Sunday, 13 December 2009
I can't describe how much hate I have inside right now. I've grown aware of this state in me since 3 years ago. Some days I can set it aside and forgive everything. Some other days I just feel like killing everyone. An uncontrollable rage that I contain inside, cursing everthing from its existance. I know I won't kill, I know it's wrong, but I think some people just deserve to die. Erased from the surface of this decaying world.
I want to disappear
I'm losing my patience. I don't want to live like this anymore. It's pathetic. Everyday pretending to make a better day for tomorrow. I wish tomorrow would take me away. Far from this corrupted civilization. I hate the city. I hate crowds. 3 is a crowd. I can't function in the public eye. I want to be able to sit quietly, close my eyes, and hear the water streaming by, the birds chirping in the caressing trees. I hate the city. It disgusts me.
Rotten inside, I have nothing but maggots crawling around manipulating my limbs, my brain died from suffocating on the many ideas that clot my veins but never got materialised because I was too busy pretending. The meaning of life is on it's last strand as it escapes my clutch. My prairs turn stale as they leave my lips. I grow tire of this recurrent phase of eternal darkness. It is becoming my soulmate and I fear I may leave with it.
I wish for no later days
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Oh what have become of the olden days...me being a selfish, ignorant twerp and the world summoning all the chaos that it could possibly conjure out of it's very limited vault of human ability(s). Well nothing really, those are still the days we're living in. Sometimes it feels useless after countless of hours sticking my head into these 'save the world' movements because directly after snapping back into reality, it feels like waking up from a dream! An impossible one!
Speaking of dreams! I had an awfully disturbing nightmare yesterday. I didn't have any patients for a clinic session from 10-12am so I decided to go 'study' [promise, I tried!] at the Surau. Of course, I fell asleep. And then I dreamed. I'm assuming you readers know Ju-On's crawling-on-the-floor ghost. Well it was pinning me down because someone sitting across me was ordering it to. I was in the same position as I was sleeping in, so I was really freaking out. There was another person walking around the surau in the background and he/she was also part of this 'ritual'.
The person sitting across from me was asking me to do something which I can't remember, but I refused and so it sent me into a nightmare. I was sent to a jungle clearing in my mind, there was a big old tree in the middle and fire posts encircling the area. There were 2 others, a couple that were sent there also against their will. A giant attacked us, we were to die! We fended ourselves with stick-made-spears. The woman was killed, the giant threw her to the ground, near the roots of the tree and pierced her throat with one of our made-shift weapons. Later the man was knocked unconscious. Somehow after that, I managed to attain a sword and decapitate the giant. Bloody but heroically!
So I survived the nightmare and came back to the surau but still in the dream. I was alone. The beings were no longer there, I was no longer pinned down. It was raining heavily outside and it was already nighttime! I looked at my phone to see if my dad had called, 30 miscalled! He must've been worried. So I quickly got up, got my things and slowly opened the surau door. Peeked outside, in case those beings were guarding outside. The Ju-On ghost was sitting on a chair near the door, wearing a gorilla suit [???]. Apparently it was asleep, so I slowly crept out but the door creaked as I was closing it [out of habit]. So it woke up and started chasing me around. It never caught me because I woke up, I really woke up this time, it really was raining heavily outside. I wasn't alone though, thankfully some of my coursemates were there getting ready for Zohor prayers. 1pm??!! Sheesh!!
Right then, back to whatever I was doing that you don't need to know about.
Friday, 6 November 2009
2. I love how it prevents me from reading a book by irritating my eyes.
3. I love how it makes me look hot by insulating all the heat from my head & neck.
4. I love how it generously consume an overwhelming amount of effort & time to dry.
5. I love how it surprises me every morning in the toilet.
6. I love how it dies and lays itself on the floor in a randomly chaotic pattern, creating a masterpiece!
7. But most of all, I love how it frames my face...when I'm not wearing tudung la...
Sunday, 27 September 2009
Muahahahaha!! Selamat Hari Raya to all potential readers.
A little correction regarding the last post...apparently my batch won't be undergoing the continuous clinical weeks, only the 5th years are the unfortunate victims. Us 4th years are only subject to having 2 weeks of holiday extracted from our calender. DAMNATION!!
ONLY 1 WEEK OF SEMESTER BREAK??!! AND WHAT??!! NO MIDSEM BREAK FOR THE 2ND SEM??!! BAAH HUMBUG!!
Whatever dudes...let's just get it done with. I'm tired of all this nonsense.
RAYA was awesome at kampung! Didn't get to do the interviews I said I would but for the 1st time ever, made a video that included all the 1st class 'anak dara's and the 3 boys.
Plus my sister
All left to do is editing but I am in a slow mood since class starts tomorrow..ekh..and I'm still in RAYA mode. Quick...somebody invite me to an open house!!
Our house is in a open house mood as well. We got a new sofa set!
Alrighty then! Better start on the video...I'll notify once it's completed.
Saturday, 12 September 2009
For once I'll be writing of what is to come and not what had already came and been done with. This coming week, the week before Raya will be pretty much horrifying. For the next 5 days, with tests nearly every single day, clinics everyday, a project proposal to present, and requirements to pass up by the end of the week, my prediction is that I'll be dead before Raya.
But that's only the appetizer! The worst of the worse is yet to come. Early next year, my friggin faculty will be undergoing some reconstruction and renovations. The clinics are gonna be revamped! Great news! But we have to pay the price. All the clinical sessions will be done early, the only way to do that is to push them all up to the start of the 2nd semester. So the plan was that we had to undergo months of merely clinical time, no lectures, just so we could complete the requirements. Crazy? Yes! It'll be like going to work! I don't know if I can do this man! I suck bad at multitasking. All the lectures will be postponed until a month before the finals where we'll be having them 8-5 every weekday. Crazy? Even more!! It'll be like 1st year all over again but hopefully, it'll help me study.
One good-but-not-overjoyed news I'd like to share is that I'm in charge of making a 10-15mins video for a Public Health project. So, yes my brain is excited about that which means it's hard for me to concentrate now. It shall be in a form of an informal documentary containing clips of interviews and sketches.
Announcement to all adult family members of Edd: I will be conducting video interviews about oral health, volunteers are welcome, specifically chosen candidates shall be named. I am asking for your full support and cooperation. Please and thank you. [Interviewer: Dhuha, cameradude: Me]
Thursday, 13 August 2009
So here's the latest interesting thing.
Today my group had a short field trip to Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia, Putrajaya. We went to the Dentistry sector of course, sat for an hour's talk on Oral Health Promotion, toured the offices, had free 'oily & caffeinated' lunch, and patiently waited for the bus. I didn't bring a camera since I'm not the posing type of person, but I did see something worth sharing and shot it with my lousy phone cam which turned out horrish. So here's an equivalent shot from the www:
It was manufactured around 1997. What the hell were they thinking?! Desensetizing kids to the profession?! Did it work? So far, I still have never heard a little girl saying they want to grow up to be a dentist, it's always a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a doctor. Nowadays? A popstar.
What a day...it was one of those days where somehow, time was spared in every corner but unfortunately by the end of the day you know you benefited nothing from it because you spent most [if not all] of that potential hours sat in front of your bro's computer listening to Russell Peters and playing Prototype. And now? Sit across your laptop for an hour typing about it when hardly anybody is gonna read it. Great learning EPs collected there.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
No, I'm not talking about the age old villain of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I'm talking about getting ripped. If you know me [like really really know me] you'd know I am obsessed with wanting a six pack abs. If at all possible, a whole ripped bod. Not of the bodybuilder kind, just as much as Jillian Michael's.
I know what most people say, "ppuan x lawa la bdn besar, gagah perkasa!". SO WHAT! It's for me! It's one thing I won't be showing off anyway. Self satisfaction, to know that I am in control of my own body and mind. It's not easy but much more bearable than some of the stuff I'm going through right now because it's MY CHOICE.
So far, I've been going through countless phases in attempting this goal but never really made it yet. This year I've just started. I'm undergoing Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. This of course can only work if I control my diet. I know I'm not obese but I have my frustrating target areas. So far on my 22nd day and I feel awesome! I haven't lost any weight, mainly because I still have problems controlling my food intake and even if I did lose some it may have been counterbalanced by some weight gain via muscle mass. I am all toned up. It's a great feeling.
The great thing about the workout is that it only takes up 20-30mins/day. I added my own modifications so mine lasts up to 40mins/day. The whole thing is divided into 3 levels of gradually increasing intensity. Level 1 for the first 10 days, Level 2 for the next 10, and Level 3 for the final 10 days. I must warn you, it never gets easy but the pain is worth it and it feels good.
Diet monitoring is pretty hard when you're at home, eating your mom's cooking but I'm able to manage my own portions well and take some supplementary side dishes if I feel the need. Counting calories, keeping the ratio balanced. Carbs, pros, fats. H2O, fuel for the body. Oatmeal, oatmeal, oatmeal.
I'd love to write more about the whole thing but there's already way too many articles on them. If anybody's interested just google em' up.
Monday, 27 July 2009
Alas, the flu mania has finally affected UKMKKL and we are now not allowed to go to class until 2nd August. Oh shucks! There's no confirmed cases yet, everything is still under suspicion but for the greater good and the safety of the nation, SHUTDOWN! was announced. There were 50 suspected cases.
Honestly, I've been feeling very vulnerable to the flu for a while since I'm commuting across Bangi to KL everyday for classes. Everyday was a potential risk of infection. Scary? Not really. I keep my hands crossed and try not to touch anything on the way. I didn't really feel the need of wearing a mask. I get wear them nearly everyday in clinic sessions where the risk of disease infections are way higher.
Moral of the story: Don't play in the sun, you may get burned. ???
YAY! for a week holiday
BOOHOO! for all the wasted clinic time
Friday, 17 July 2009
I'll search for you till time grows old
I tripped and fall and lost my way
Put on a mask just like they say
Tricks and treats have fooled my weak
Until my truth began to leak
A heart can't beat outside it's place
A soul can't soar without it's grace
What is the meaning of life?
Without a heart there will be none
Sunday, 5 July 2009
I need a new laptop.
sh@dowfaX is a friggin retard and can no longer serve efficiently as my co-conspirator. I can't have this! I have a mission to fulfill and that mission is about to be jeopardized by a lack of speed & bytes. I hope I can strike a deal for a cheap one somewhere.
I need a HD camcorder.
since I'm getting more active in this video making activity, I might as well get my own equipment. Hopefully a proper one that captures videos and not just a multifunctional digital camera.
Friday, 19 June 2009
wow..that sounds and looks dirty. I dunno why, it just popped out of my head since I'm not gonna write on any particularly specific topic here.
I think the theme of my holiday this year is creativity or specifically, Youtube videos. Last year's was self discovery, profound movement, made major changes in my attitude, fantasmic! So this year, I'm all about creating stuff. It's about time too, I'm not getting any younger.
Aging is kind of a sad thing because it's just another term we use for dying. Honestly, it's just stretching it out a bit, turning it into a bigger picture. I mean we can't really say cells are aging because their lifetime aren't even worth noticing. Okay, so red blood cells lasts for 120 days and intestinal cells lasts for 3 days or so. Merely a routine shift change really. Only a few gets spotted as aging, the rest simply dies or died unnoticed.
Everything and everybody dies. I get very irritated watching American movies where the main character loses their faith after somebody important in his or her life died. They complain that they've been very faithful but God still puts that load of depression upon them, that He took the life of an innocent or good person. First of all, their definition of a good person is far from ours. He may drink, steal, smoke pot, do drugs, be a con artist, fcuk around, but still be a good kid. In our society, he should die. Second, they expect an easy life in return of God worship. Totally reversed from our belief, or at least mine. Life is after all a test, people who have it easy are no different than benchwarmers.
Aaaah...that stupid-yet-funny-once-is-enough movie. Talking of movies, I have a new idea that's been going about in my thinking vault for 2 months now. I don't think I'll be typing it down anytime soon. Takes me too long. I'd rather fill the rest of my holis with something more solid. Just so I can prove I haven't been a zombie during dead time. No more Z-days! Lengthy writing is for far more boring days such as...ugh! not worth mentioning..
My pillows are calling me to bed. Don't wanna keep them waiting or we'd start having a pillow fight! [Aaahahaha! Pun intended!]
Saturday, 6 June 2009
I'm losing excitement day by day. Waking up with nothing but an entangled mess of frustrating mist heaving my spirit out of life and submerged under a thick layer of grime. The only person that's keeping me going is my younger brother, since he's also in his holidays [school], I try to find day to day enjoyment by playing video games with him.
Astro keeps showing reruns and I'm not just talking about the movie channels,
I can't read because it'll put me to sleep,
I can't make videos because I ran out of materials...well I have a few to work on but I'm experimenting on a different software so it'll take time to complete...
I'm pausing my song-making effort because I don't want to rush and miss out
Nearly everything is putting me down lately and going to bed early is still hard for me. It's about that time for me to do what I do best, keep my mind busy by making up movies in my head, a realm for where my advanced self image shines best. Sometimes I feel like I'm saving myself from this world to live in another. I know it sounds absurd and unrealistic but the feeling of self belonging keeps escaping my flail, reluctant grasp. I am enraged when people don't understand me but at the same time also enraged when they're spot on. I have yet pondered the answers to why. I have a personality that is destructive in nature thus, I am better alone. I even find myself revolted by the idea of marriage, nowadays.
Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm choosing to be this way...no wait, in a way I am but that's too complicated to explain. But trust me, I am looking for a way to get out because my future looks bleak. It's just that with the state of affairs and the way that I am, my very existent is rebelling with every threat that comes to change me. I tend to develop a radical idea way too negative of a suggestion made for me to change.
Someone once asked me, "Are you looking for something?". I was hanging out with 4 of my high school seniors at a cafe after silat practice around 7 years ago. 3 of them were guys and while the rest were discussing school politics, one of the guys stared into my eyes and suddenly put a curious face on. He asked the above and I was struck down awkward but with a clueless mind answered him, "No, I don't think so." I was 16 at that time and he was scaring the hell out of me. He continued saying, "You look like you're searching for something. [awkward pause] You are. [awkward pause] You will. When you are, don't stop looking." I said "Okay?" and whispered to my female senior the signal to leave. I never actually told anyone about this since I never took it seriously. It is after all very random, but the way he stared into me...creepy it was.
We're all looking for something in this life, be it peace, happiness, or financial overdose. Sometimes we're not even sure what we're supposed to be looking for and that is what we're looking for in the time being. The journey is way too long to be written as a RM85 600 paged thick hardback novel, re-enacted in a 3 hour limiting biographical motion picture, recited as an hour long orchestral symphony but when it's time to die, we almost wish we did more.
I'd rather you hate me for what I am than loving me for what I can't become...
Later be thy days..
Monday, 25 May 2009
1. What is the most important thing in your life?
2. What is the last thing that you bought with your own money?
other than food? A black shirt
3. Where do you wish to get married?
4. How old do you think you will be permanently owned by your love?
oops, have none
5. Are you in love?
in a way, yes
6. Where was the last restaurant you had dinner?
err...Hale's Kitchen, Plaza Rah
7. Name the latest book that you bought?
Play Great Guitar by Rikky Rooksby
8. What is your full name?
Nur Hidayah bt. Mohd Suhaimi
9. Do you prefer your mother or father
Ish! Don't make me choose...they're not Pokemon!
10. Name a person that you really wish to meet in real life for the first time.
11. Christina or Britney?
Neither actually, but if life depended on it...Christina because I can't stand Britney's voice
12. Do you do your own laundry?
I share the duty with a washing machine
13. The most exciting place you want to go?
in my head
14. Hugs or kisses?
HUGS!! I love hugs!!
15. Point out 5 things about the person who tagged you
nobody tagged me...I felt like boasting myself out
16. 3 things I am passionate about
17. 3 things I say too often
- eff off
that book I recently bought
19. 8 songs I could listen to over and over again
- Street Spirit by Radiohead
- Glorious by Muse
- Fuel by Metallica
- Flowers in the Window by Travis
- Tall Tales by Spiritual Beggars
- Pills by HURT
- Blackbird by Alter Bridge
- Human Stain by Kamelot
- smile with your heart
- there's a reason for everything
- don't be a bitch
There I'm done. Off to cleaning my room! Later days
Friday, 22 May 2009
My Youtube account. Link is also on my LINK! tab on the right column >>>>
As of yesterday, I've decided to actively edit & upload videos in Youtube. It will be my holiday's project for this year. I've already put up a few.
So those of you who has Youtube accounts please go check it out & subscribe if you wish. No force there. Please rate & comment if it's not too much to ask.
Those with no accounts, no fuss in making one. It's free and only takes a while. But still no force there. You can still just watch.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Two nights ago, my family and I dropped by my apartment to clear up my belongings and take them home. I finished my 6th [8th actually] semester and had to move out. I went up with my 2 brothers to the 14th floor. Although I had already packed up before going home a few days before, we would still need to make a few trips up and down to get everything.
On the first trip up, I already noticed something [I'm aquarius, we're sensitive]. Now I was the last person to leave that apartment, all the other girls had already packed up an left days before I did. I enjoyed 3 nights alone [time of my life] in that empty apartment before I actually went home. When I left, all the doors except my room's were closed, I made sure. The lock to the main door had to be twisted twice to completely secure it, so I did. That night when I went back to fetch my things, it only had to be twisted once and it was open. As I let my brothers in to grab all the heavy boxes, I thought to myself, "Somebody must've came in, but who? It couldn't have been the girls, they live far away and what business would they have coming back to an empty apartment?", and then it occurred to me that it might have been the maintenance guys coming up to fix that broken door latch to the laundry area. So I tossed the matter aside and grabbed a box. Leaving a light on, we left, locking the door [twice] behind us.
For the second trip, I went up with my younger brother. We went in and had a little discussion on who should carry what. Thinking it might be the last trip up, I looked around the study hall in semi darkness to make sure nothing was forgotten, not yet noticing any peculiarity. After loading as much as our 2 hands can carry, I noticed that there's still a pile of shelves to be carried. But it couldn't be done, so I thought I'd come back alone later and quickly grab it. Intentionally not locking the door after leaving, we went down to the car. My father asked if the family could go up to the apartment to pray for Maghrib as it would be too much of a rush if we were to pray at home. "Of course, let's go!" And so we boarded the 1st elevator to the 2nd floor. On the way the second elevator, we realized there's a surau on that floor and decided it would be more convenient to pray there.
After prayers, I went up again with my 2 brothers, just for the sake of bullying them into carrying a few shelves. So of course, they acted bitchy on the way up, even after we split the shelves 3-way. My younger bro even turned of the lights while I was still inside and went to the elevators. It was then that I noticed in the dark, the door to the bedroom right in front the main door was open [not my bedroom door]. So I said to my big bro who was standing right in the doorway, "That shouldn't be open, hold on I'm gonna check it out," and turned to switch the lights back on. As I turned back around, in the flickering lights, I saw the door closing with a bang. I froze, I looked at my bro, he looked at me, I turned back to the door. "Maybe it was the wind," he said. "Impossible. We should've felt it. And the windows in that room are closed." We paused a second and decided to leave. I locked up, twice. My brother then made fun of me being spooked up and I wasn't embarrassed of admitting it, my heart was beating frantically for me to try and find a possible answer.
My bro told the rest of the family of what happened while I accompanied my father to pay for the parking. They pointed out that I shouldn't have left the door unlocked before going down. Well, whatever it was that closed the door that night, I can't help realizing the fact that I have to go back and fetch the curtains before I check out. SHYTE!!
Saturday, 16 May 2009
I am, in a way distraught by a very familiar human weakness, nothing lasts. Everlasting is humanely impossible. I don't mind dying, I don't mind the ever revolutionizing human psychology, I don't even mind friends coming and going. It has been a year on 26th April, since I started blogging here. On that day, I took a while off studying to revisit some of my old scribblings. It occurred to me that I'm losing my touch. I felt like that girl in 'The Devil Wears Prada' or that guy in 'How To Lose Friends and Alienate People'. I guess everything in life really does have their own personal list of pros & cons, that includes happiness. As much as I believe 2008/2009 was one of the best years in my development of psychological maturity, I'm no longer exhilarated by being constantly happy. I had a taste, now stop bugging me and let me do my duty.
Happiness, if not well-balanced can prove deadly. The line between sufficiency & redundancy is a mighty fine one. Unless you're right on the border, you're at risk of 'blindness'. I find myself writing better when I am under certain depression. Or it might just be tonight. Too many things are going on in my mind, traffic is congested. And I'm starting to hate Saturdays. I get headaches on Saturdays and I am officially blank right now. I just spent a minute trying to spell Saturday.
While eating dinner tonight, I remember how I used to hate myself when I'm at school, I was too quiet, to emo, too shy. I loved being around my family instead since I could be more of myself. How the tables have turned. Not that I'd prefer friends over family but I can't be comfortable enough anymore. I think clearer and appear more matured around friends. Is this part of growing up? ..................too tired to think about this tonight.
See how the problems just never stops? Peace never lasts, it'd be too absurd and illogical, the world would fold over. Disclaimer: BUT it doesn't mean we should stop believing in it, we have try to reach it instead of doing nothing. Something is always better than nothing. So a C is always better than failing even if it's not an A. Give your kid a break.
Anyway, I've written 3 songs [Dear Life, Hometown City, Save Us] within a month's time. I have never been so inspired. I hope it lasts...yeah right. They're all in my site, http://www.myspace.com/eddfalcomusic. Please visit when you have the time. They're not metal, they're not love songs, don't worry.
May this questionable feeling of human imperfection not reign over my consciousness and suffocate my mist of creativity. Later days...
Thursday, 14 May 2009
It's been a while since my last 'list of's. Here's one that came to my mind, My List of Favourite Bald Men.
When I say bald I don't necessarily mean hairless, I mean less hair as in close-shaven heads.
Why baldies? Ask my subconscious. I guess they seem bold, like they're saying "I don't need a mane to be a man, I just am". My other theory is that they look emotionally vulnerable and I'm a sucker at that.
The sequence is according to succession in time.
Some boy I had a crush on while schooling in England [1992-1996]. He was a well-known prankster and yes I usually go for the naughty ones.
An actor I fancied for quite a long time. He's not a permanent baldy but he's usually bald in his temperamental characters, which are the ones I like most. Unfortunately he hasn't got any breakthroughs in his career yet, no big and memorable roles, no awards [I think], not many movies worth watching. So, I don't follow his work much.
Hardcore man he is. For those who don't know this guy, get a life. That bod, that face, that accent, not to mention skills in martial arts, I can watch his movies anytime. I think I first caught him in Guy Ritchie's Snatch [FAVE!!], which didn't feature any of his skills much, just the voice and face. And then I saw him in 'The One' [fighting skills revealed!], 'Mean Machine', a Brit remake of 1974's 'The Longest Yard', so on and so forth. Do I go watch all his movies? Nay. He's got that 'stereotype syndrome' where nearly all his characters are as if they came from the same scarce pool of genes.
The main protagonist in the hit TV series, Prison Break. I followed up to the 3rd season but then got too busy not giving a damn. He was a breakthrough character, never have I seen one so cool and mysterious. But being too mysterious and emotional has it's toll, you lost me as a fan! I moved on, sorry. Now, everytime I see his face it feels like the whole world turns a bit gay-er.
My rock hero!!! I love thee, hair or no hair. My severe admiration for this man pertains much to his skills and passion for his guitar. He's the founder/writer/lead guitarist for his current band Alter Bridge, ex of Creed. But beyond that, he truly is a hunk. That macho Italian face, well-trimmed goatee, ripped bod, physically everything on my list.
J. Loren Wince
My latest passion. Also in music, from the band HURT. He is their founder/writer/vocalist/guitarist/violinist and some other stringed instrument. Passionate and dark as well. This band truly fits my taste, I am currently at awe with this band and for the past few months. Their songs pull you in so deep, you'd rather suffocate to feel alive [that sounds suicidal]. But they're not emo, I kick emos of my streets. These guys are mature human beings, at least mature enough to be singing their stuff. Lyrics, sheer poetry and currently my main influence in songwriting.
Just some young actor who looks good in this photo. Acting skills aren't that good yet but I hope he gets better. With a face like that, it'd be a waste not to.
There should be more [most are martial artists] but they're lost in my sleepy head.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Mother's Day is coming up and thanks to my being around people for a change it didn't escape me this time around, unlike other times. Frankly, I never really paid much attention to it [in those days] and no matter how much my mum kept saying that she doesn't feel appreciated during those days - because I pass the day like any other day - I just didn't feel the need. Yeah okay, you might think: Damn! Edd's an ungrateful piece of offspring! Well, I agree! I was how you say, a biatch? An inconsiderate, ignorant, selfish biatch to be exact. I still do retain some features but I'm trying my best to shed that old layer of skin. Love was nowhere to be found in that kid and now I just wanna hug everybody [aaahh...J. Loren to start with].
Anyway, back to the main subject of mums! I just read of a friend's blog where he wrote about his parents and how much he loves them and all those mushy stuff [hehe..kidding..very thoughtful of you]. And thus inspired me on this matter.
Thinking back on all the sacrifices they made just to raise the 5 of us, really makes me wanna knock the starch out of myself for being what I was. Of course, my mum would say we were good kids, behaved well in public, and never asked for much. Yeah I guess in those aspects we checked out, but in some others...tisk2, child abuse should've been legalized. I'm not saying we were all devils, no! Just 3 of us girls, all biatches of different kinds. But enough of my family history. What I'm trying to say is that I believe in how karma can sneak up behind and bite you in the ass, thus, I am damn afraid to have kids!
Of course, unlike my friend who wrote, "If I could just be as good as my mum and dad in the future, I would be glad enough." I think in my case, I'd have to level up and beyond. Other than the fact that I might have to deal tenfold the pain my parents went through, I guess it's my way of 'becoming more than what my parents were' because I'm not doing so good in their field of strengths. Watch and learn basically. How I'm gonna do it? I have my plan, I just hope the outcome would be as good as, "MY MOM FRIGGIN ROCKS!!". Okay, now where's the husband?
Aaaahhh...I'm losing my point. I forgot what I was supposed to write about. Just finished my finals today, my overstimulated brain cells just can't wait to get my hands on Vader.
So basically, before this, Mother's Day, to me, was a day where mums could bitch out saying they deserve more. Well fook me for thinking so. They do deserve more! It takes more than maturity to comprehend such sincerity of being on duty for the rest of you life, it takes experience and no matter how much I say, I can never truly feel it until I pop out my own. Haha! Ruined the ending.
Anyway, YAY for mums all over the world...except those who ditch their babies like garbage.
Once again, apologies for the foul language but truth be told.
Later be thy days...
Sunday, 26 April 2009
Warning: I didn't use any harsh words but they are harsh in a way.
I call it...
It's not the first time that I felt like killing before,
Ripping the life out of that damn ugly whore,
Seeing her struggle bearing the pain,
If only you did that while you were still sane,
Lives are at stake when humanity fails,
I feel it inside every time I set sail,
Look far out to sea over the faded horizon,
What's left of reality is a world open prison,
When heroes are dying to who do we turn?
We are the people of this world we burnt,
Who can we trust when they only talk profits,
Power is their currency I don't have to prove it,
Every second I try to live this wretched life,
Every heartbeat I wonder what to do with this knife,
Every war that threatens to summon apocalypse,
Every soul savagely murdered all in a glimpse,
It's a shame to be breathing in this filthy wind,
I spit out the dust till my lungs are all clean,
A speck of my blood I see on the ground,
The sign that I'll be no longer around,
All things made equal will perish in time,
There will always be a reason to die,
I hand you an apology for all of my crimes,
Don't you dare save me I'll kill you if you try.
Muahaha! That was fun! I think it's pretty straight forward with a few hints here and there. I hope I can find a tune to turn part of it into a song.
Brook: Great, what about the other emo crap you stuffed in me huh? You gonna turn them into songs too? Nobody wants to hear all you emo rants Edd! You think you know emo? I'll show you emo...
Okay...Brook has lost it.
Sunday, 19 April 2009
Please read this for your own sake and for the rest of the Muslim community:
How far the truth goes, I'm not that sure.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Wednesday, 15 April 2009
In as little number of words as possible, here I go:
I came back early today, around 10.30am, because it was 'self-directed learning' which basically means, 'balik bilik tidur' for most people, whatever. I was just excited because I can spend the whole day going through my planned out study plan while surfing for 'Whose Line is it Anyway'. [I'm trailing off the main point]
Anyway, came back, found a large pair of slippers getting caught behind the main door as I opened it and said to myself, "hmm, must be one of the roomie's friend's", as one of my roomies does have a friend that might fit into them. I settled down on my chair in the living room where my other roomie was sitting next to me, at her desk, studying. After a couple of breathers, I went across the tiny hall to my room, reached for the door and found it locked. I was sharing it with 2 others where 1 of them went home for study leave. So as I sat back down to wait for my roomie to open up the door, I chatted away with my studying roomie or housemate.
Later, my roomie whom I actually share a room with, opened up the door and with a 'tudung' on her head, quickly stopped me from going in the room, "Jap! Ada orang,". Okay, so I sat back down. And then she said, "Jangan tengok tau." Okay? Bells of suspicions ringing, bringing up the dead. I exchanged curious glances with my studying housemate.
If you still can't guess what happened next, you'll understand how surprised I was. She came out with a guy, from our room, the room I sleep in at nights, or have trouble sleeping in (insomnia). Obviously now I will have trouble sleeping in it. With her. Imagine the shock! Both of those numskulls have some decent religious background. What the hell?!!
And the thing was, after she came back from sending him off downstairs, she came to us saying, "Ei, senyap-senyap je lah ye...". I looked away quickly not knowing how to respond to such foolish statement but of course I didn't say yes. Sure, let's pretend Allah didn't see that. Let's pretend I'm not gonna be apart of this circle of sinning. Pish Posh!! I'm gonna take action that's what I'm gonna do! Dare you make such a stoopid, reckless, perverted decision! Sure I rock, I headbang to metalcore, I skip a few classes, but what makes her think I'm OKAY with this sort of attitude. Haktuih! She of all people should know.
I came home early today for a reason and I doubt it ends at witnessing only.
Astaghfurullahalazim...Ya Allah, protect me from what is to come.
No I'm not gonna stab anybody in the back tonight, no worries.
Moral of the story: A good decent background proves nothing, higher chances of surviving maybe, but it's all up to an individual's iman after all.
Later be the days...
Monday, 13 April 2009
Saturday, 11 April 2009
And so it ends...The Dental Glam Night.
How was it?
- The best location EVER! Massive and the stage was great! Acoustics, nice.
- The whole event, not bad but could have been better.
- The emcees were, how do you say it? Bad? No fingers pointing, they just lack experience.
- Only a few Chinese went along with the party theme [movie]. Most if not all of them girls were dressed like they were going clubbing and Malay seniors dressed up like they're on their wedding day.
- 4th years rock, as always, gigam!
- After performing, got too much adrenaline in the blood, became too loud, out of control, embarrassing.
- Food. To me, great. The rendang was nice, sweet & spicy; the fish was awesome; the chicken, I can't remember, they all taste the same; desserts, cute, but I didn't get to eat much, full after the main meal.
- Like the dinner in my 2nd year, my foot cramped again. What friggin curse was at play?
- Did not get the chance to take a photo with my one-night-crush guy.
- But got a photo with one of the Vaders. Blurry though, too much force from both sides.
- Another Neo won the best dressed, he was the The Matrix version. I'm the Reloaded version. Of course I couldn't have won, a girl wearing a male's costume. Not in their lifetime.
Not bad for my first time, a few slip-ups in the beginning and I think my tempo ran wild near the end. My keyboardist thought she was awful and wasn't satisfied at all. I'll upload the video on youtube once I get the chance.
I regret not recording Jason & Ib's performance, very creative but I was hungry.
And now, back to studies!
Later be thy days...
Wednesday, 8 April 2009
2 days away from my first ever performance and I am shaking all over. Excited and nervous at the same time. Sure I'll be doing what I normally and casually do instead of studying, not to say I'm very good at guitar playing, but I hope it turns out well. I just want it to turn out fun and enjoyable.
I can hardly study this week. I've been wire-bending [of the dental kind, not guitar playing] since Monday and my hands are swelling up. Requirements are due in 2 weeks time. But I have to put it on hold. At least until after the show on Friday. I don't want to jeopardize my chances in performing. Need my hands to be stable, although my nerves are hardly breathing.
Holy crap! The more I talk or write about it, the worse it gets. I guess self-hypnosis works! I better stop then.
I shall be the star! Okay that's a little too much.
Wish me luck Brook! And whomever reading.
Anyway, I'll be on guitar, Lavi on keyboard, & Zul as the vocalist. We'll be doing an acoustic cover of 'Starlight' by MUSE. A tribute to the masters.
Monday, 30 March 2009
Since I've been busy messing around with sh@dowfaX for the past few days, I discovered some cool freeware stuff which I shall share below.
Like the name itself, it let's you group up icons, separating them into whatever categories you wish to between fences. Once you're done, double-click on the background and they disappear. To reappear, just double-click again.
If you've heard of Stardock's Objectdock before, it's simply the same thing. It's a dock for your shortcuts or an application launcher. The best thing about this is that it's smoother, the icons are more slick, and everything is totally free, including the addons provided. No discrimination to who pays or not!
It allows me to do this...
It simply allows you to make your windows look transparent, like Vista.
Helps you to free some disk space by deleting useless files such as those in the Temp folders.
There's few more but I have to get going, tons to do.
p/s: all these nifty gadgets doesn't slow my cpu, if it does to yours just get rid of them. Glass2k is a small file.
Thursday, 26 March 2009
First it was Vypress.
After finally getting out to hunt for a new guitar, Vader, I got back to my apartment and found that meg@3on [my laptop] was whacked up. I couldn't enter Windows at all. So much for my advice to Enda [my aunt], "look for positive comments before downloading a torrent file". All this time I've been lucky in optimizing my absolute freedom until that virus finally pinned me down. I had to reformat the whole thing. After 2 years, meg@3on had never gone through one and so, sad I was to put him into a stranger's hand for 4 days. I know I could have done it myself but I don't know how to and I might just postpone the whole thing since I am a student. And aren't we all procrastinators? [Ib: "Yes, we are!"]
After getting the newly revived meg@3on, I spent a whole day personalizing him back to the way he was. Re-installing, re-customizing and all but he's just not the same as before.
One issue is that he's got this black bar on the right side of his screen which I can't get rid of [a battle scar?]. The screen resolution for 1024x768 is no longer available [no idea why]. Then some features on his keyboard is no longer working. Nothing is the same after you bring it back from the dead. So much so, I'm now gonna call him Glamdring [if you're a LOTR fan you'll know what that is] or something else. Shadowfax [LOTR again] sounds nice too. Okay then, sh@dowfaX it is!
The very next day, guess what else decided to give me a breakdown. meg@pOd [my iPod] !! Can you believe it?! Just after the 1 year warranty ended. DaMnatioN!!
It's actually quite common for an iPod to go haywire after 2 days or even a few hours. Sounds scary, I know and I am one of the lucky one's where my iPod lasted a whole year without getting corrupted.
Well, 2 nights away from a mini test, I just couldn't get my head together to study that night. I was really devastated! I was frustrated when I found out Vypress was no longer fixable, depressed when meg@3on had an MI, but meg@pOd breaking down was worser than the two combined. I love that piece of crap! Not to mention all my 80G of precious music [nearly 4000 songs] and movies [well over 30G] wiped clean just as fast as saying the F word.
All I could do that night was search the net for answers in fixing meg@pOd. None of them worked. I even tried knocking and dropping it [seriously, it worked for some]. There's one more thing to try out, hopefully it'll work. My last resort would be to send it for repair.
Well, mini test is over and I found a song to play for my performance on 10th April. It turns out that I'm not buying my friend's red Ibanez. I'm quite happy with Vader for now. Things are looking up. Aaaaaaahh, the cool breeze of the night air. I'm going to bed early tonight.
Saturday, 14 March 2009
Vypress is no longer fixable. Seems that cracked acoustic guitars are just tossed away. Damn guitar salesperson! Don't you say that to my dear Vypress! I'm not gonna toss her away. I mean she can still function as a guitar pretty well, I just hate the fact that she's torn up inside and behind.
It would be too irrational to store her away after I get a new one so I might probably lend it to my cousin until she can afford her own. I don't think selling her off would be a good idea since she was my first and nobody would buy a banged up guitar anyways.
So what now? Do I buy my friend's RM4XX, red, Ibanex Gax-70 or some other electric-acoustic for a cheaper price. This time, I am thinking through the financial aspect. What if I bought both? Throw in an amp, it would still cost me less than my 80G iPod Classic.
Am I serious about guitar playing? Well, now that I know I have the potential, I would love to get serious. Oh for goodness sakes, I easily bought the iPod without going over it like this, why am I all tangled up from deciding what to do? Where is all that guilt coming from?
IF I am ever going to get a new acoustic guitar, I'm surely not going for the fancy shmancy carbon fibre round-back ones. They do look young & hip, but I'd rather buy one with a hardwood back. They age gracefully and be of more value as it gets older [as long as I play it of course]. No, wait. That sounds poyo. I take that back. Whatever! As long as I can play comfortably well.
Thursday, 12 March 2009
Just another game I picked up from a friend. Nobody tagged me but it looked interesting and thought I'd have a go.
It’s harder than it looks. Copy to your own note, erase my answer, enter yours and TAG 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to each answer of the following questions. They have to be real, nothing made up!
If the person before you had the same initial, you must use different answers. You cannot copy any word twice and you can’t use your name for the boy/girl name question.
Have fun! >>> nay my words, copy pasted
1. What is your name: Nur Hidayah
2. A four letter word: None
3. A boy’s name? Nash
4. A girl’s name? Nawal
5. An occupation: Night-shift Campus Police
6. A color: Nauseous Green
7. Something you wear: New pair of shoes
8. A food: Nasi Goreng Ayam
9. Something found in the bathroom: Not a pleasant smell
10. A place: Nowhere but here
11. A reason for being late: No reason, I just wanted to
12. Something you shout: Nay!
13. A movie title: Nightwatch
14. Something you drink: Nescafe
15. A musical group: Nightwish
16. A street name: Newton Street [trust me, it exists]
17. A type of car: Nissan
18. A song title: New Born by MUSE
19. A verb: Nap [need one right now]
That was challenging & sometimes frustrating. Took me some time.
I'm not gonna tag anyone, do it if you want to.
Thursday, 5 March 2009
Damn you, Vypress!
Why has it worsened? Because I did nay get it fixed & the new strings I bought are freakishly tensed & hard. I can't even play a full song without stopping a moment to mourn over the devastating truth that Vypress is a wreck. Plus, to rest the finger pads. Pins & needles man!
Anyway, I am in desperate need of a fix. Not like as in getting high [although you know I'd love to], but like an actual repair and maybe change those paining strings. Either that or I buy a new acoustic guitar. Hmmm...too irrational?
A friend of mine is offering his red Ibanez GAX-70 for around RM500 - RM400.
I asked for RM400 of course and he said, "as long as I know my 'bini' will be in good hands". Yeah well, he doesn't know what happened to Vypress. I never actually thought of getting myself an electric guitar since I'm not that good yet, but this deal is too good to pass up!
So, I kinda have to decide on 2 ultimate questions here:
1. Fix Vypress or buy a new acoustic guitar?
2. Buy the RM400 red Ibanez GAX-70 or wait for some other fool to give me a free one?
Whatever happens, I still need an acoustic guitar, new or not. It's not about the money, I just don't know if I can love a new guitar as much as I loved [past tense] Vypress. Plus, I don't know if the amount of dedication & skills I have now for striking those strings would increase as much as I hope it would by getting a new guitar.
Okay, you know what, I'll just get Vypress fixed. Hopefully before 10th April, I'm gonna be needing her on that day. Decision to buy the Ibanez or nay will be made around this coming Saturday. Fingers crossed!
Thursday, 26 February 2009
Wednesday, 25 February 2009
Conflict: When there are two opposing pictures in your quality world at the same time.
The more you move in the direction of one, the more you frustrate the other.
What to do?
What makes a conflict so severe is that there is no immediate solution. If you manage to do the above, it may not solve the conflict but at least, you won't make things worse.
In the end, time will move the conflict in one direction or the other, and the decision will become less painful.
But there are many times you can't wait, if you don't decide, one of the pictures may be lost forever. In that case, DAMN!
Saturday, 21 February 2009
Disgusting! Disgusting! Disgusting!
That is all I feel and that is all I shall feel as long as I remember this week of holiday. This shall be my first ever attempt to produce a post barely out of word vomit. Or as pen to paper and fingertip to keyboard...I lost my train of thoughts. Be it as it may, I shall try my best to keep my topic around the activities of my previous week. Disgusting, as I said before, it has made me feel and as I am a day away from it's end I realized I have gained pretty much none to an oblivion. Planned I did and regret I had been. Depressed I might be but sad I am not. What are the likes of me being here typing this when there are people outside doing the things they are simply because the can or they want to. I'd love to do the same but I am hot, as in the temperature and not in looks.
The more I look around the more I get sick of it. The more sick I get the more miserable I feel. The more miserable I feel, the more agitated, the louder I get, the more people shush me, the more ego, the more boredom, the more destructive, the more garbage, the more caffeine, the more I forget. Tisk Tisk Tisk.
As I tisk myself, I hear my guitar strumming by itself. I looked at it but nothing seems to be strumming it. It strums by itself. I sit here wondering whether I was imagining it out of boredom or simply trying to fool myself that a magical being has come to cheer me up. But then a fruit fly comes along and buzzes around my face, especially at the eyes, trying it's best to make a landing, when I was actually wearing my glasses. I was trying hard to convince it that I am no fruit by moving my head around, a similar movement to headbanging, but the housefly stays unconvinced. Something in it's nature is telling them that my ugly face is a fruit. Fruits on the other hand are bright coloured, smooth skinned, and edible. Everything my face isn't.
I came home the other day and got to the 6 months delayed spring cleaning. Though it has nothing to do with spring time, I still choose to call it that way because it would make everybody else feel responsible to put in some effort. Worked, has it? Partially and better than nothing. My room feels wider and the fruit fly is still here to get me. It seemed to have a new destination now, the nostrils. I guess a bunch of nose hair is easier than a glass barrier. Fooled you have been, oh determined fruit fly.
Anyway, I manged to finally fit in some lyrics to a melody of a tune. A new song perhaps! I long for it to be heard but I am still hot, as in the temperature, not in looks. I thought of a few more but this heat has prevented me to do absolutely nothing. Well, I can't quite say absolute, for I am writing an entry in my blog while watching a classic movie. But of course, I am word vomiting and I am not paying any attention to the movie, so all in all, it is next to nothing if not itself.
My hate has killed the fruit fly. Fare thee well, not.
Thursday, 19 February 2009
I was tagged by my aunt to do this. Here you go Enda.
I. se7en facts you may not know about me when I was 7 years old:
I can't remember much of what happened to me at this age.
1. started a thieving habit
2. I wore a baju kurung for my birthday party
3. set foot on English soil & stayed for 3 1/2 years
4. lost a lot of memory during the flight to England
5. became enemies with the first Malay girl I met there who later became my best friend
6. had no fashion sense because surviving the cold was of utmost importance
7. first time experienced snow
II. se7en things that scare me:
1. violent deaths: MVAs, murder, freak accidents, mauled by a mouth of sharp teeth
2. losing my family
3. a big body of water
4. break a limb OR lose my sight OR become permanently bedridden
5. falling in love
6. alone in a crowd of strangers, I'd rather be by myself
7. the world
III. se7en songs that I like the most:
Just 7?! This will be the hardest thing for me to do. To be fair, I'll put one of my fave songs from my fave genres.
1. 'Hallowed Be Thy Name' by Iron Maiden
2. 'Fuel' by Metallica
3. 'Turn' by Travis
4. 'Hysteria' by Muse & Radiohead's 'The Bends' album [haha...cheating]
5. 'Down To My Last' by Alter Bridge [but honestly I love all their songs]
6. 'Aces of Spades' by Motorhead
7. 'Glosoli' by Sigur Ros