Thursday, 28 January 2010
I've been really interested in the clouds up in the sky lately. I guess God is trying to remind me about the bigger picture. I started admiring the fluffy wisps up about a few months ago. Majestic when the sun crowns it and powerful during their darker moods. Everytime I suffer inside, which is nearly everyday, all I need to do is look up and behold the glowing blankets above.
Clouds in a way are like people. There are many races, they appear to have feelings, they drink and cry, and they too are unpredictable. They have boundaries like we do. They can't come down too low and they can't fly up too high while we have our religion. It's not like they have a choice. God invented the logical reality of physics and chemistry. We on the other hand do have choices. The good and bad ones, and the gray areas.
Thursday, 7 January 2010
I've been wishing I had one for years long. To not be seen or judged. I belong only to Him. Let Him fix me because I'm tired of fighting this way. Against my will. I just don't want to exist in this world but He would still exist in mine. He is my government. This is for reassurance.
Nowadays privacy is my priority. It's my bubble. I hardly let anybody in. Let them save themselves from this time-consuming-emotion-gloating addict. I think that's one of the reason I've been struggling with seeing patients. I'd have to deliberately put them in my private space. It's choking. I tried explaining this to certain people. They say they understand, but they don't. If they understood me, they'd be as miserable as I am. They don't have a bubble as thick as mine. Sometimes I wish the patients would fall asleep after I give an injection and would never wake up. That would make me smile. To send them off peacefully. They won't get hurt and mine would end.
I listened to a psychologist's talk today and found out that I'm not healthy. Mentally or physically or socially. So no I'm not healthy at all. I see 'hopelessness' as a scene in my own movie where I see myself stare at my own lifeless body under the tree at the edge of the cliff. My eyes would be open and empty. It's been playing more often than usual now. I'd love to make a movie out of it. It would be a very quiet one though. I don't think anybody would ever watch it because they would never hear about it.
We all have our own ideas of happiness. I want to be invisible, literally. I should have never taken the ticket into this world. I don't want to stop feeling though. It's the only thing keeping me alive. It fuels me to write, make songs and videos which I love doing and let them watch or hear but don't look at me. I just want them to feel me. But please, don't look at me. I want to be able to make them feel alive too. If they promise to stay away and not look at me.