10 Years Later...

 Hey Brook,

    I apologise (Holding back laughter).

    Before we start this back up again, let me confess that I no longer swear, I'm happy, and I love being me. I did forget the last post as I said I would. I even forgot I started fiction blogs and felt like I was reading a stranger's draft. How terrifying. I teared up reading the ending of the previous post because it was all true. It was a relief that I no longer feel all the rage that was being conveyed. There is an urge to delete that embarassing existential crisis rant but I'd like to remember the dark spots in my timeline in order to appreciate the current existance. What an angry idiot I was but I'm glad I kept this blog.

    2015, I just graduated from UiTM film school then. It wasn't what I expected. Underwhelming to say the least. I guess that was part of the disappointment back then. Of course, now that I've found my way back here again, I will be rereading all the past posts because, yes, I like the sound of my own...writing? (whatever works) The reason I've come back to blogging is because cousin Dhuha has inspired me to start noveling (instead of screenwriting). But since I haven't been writing for quite some time, I figure I need a little warm up. I might even continue the fictional blog, "Filling the Void". But I'd have to change the story since it was started in 2009, prior the dental exit, and I have no memory whatsoever of any "head films" about it. Let's call it that from now on, head films. The films I've mentally constructed for my daydreaming pleasure. I'm pretty sure it's maladaptive daydreaming.

cousin Dhuha & I

    But I digress, here are highlights since I stoppped writing (the ones I haven't forgotten). I began managing Mama's transit business around the time I wrote the previous post, reluctantly at first but am now really grateful for it. The same year, I traveled to Seoul, South Korea with cousin Hannan and my earliest friend, Ayunni, serving as our tour guide. A few months later, I went to Tokyo, Japan, alone. Well, I flew alone but stayed at my brother, Syam's apartment when he was still working there. I accomplished 10 pull ups on Eid in 2018 after training for nearly a year for it, the year that I peaked in physical fitness. I still miss the 2020 Covid lockdowns, which was a blessing because I had a paradigm shift the week prior. Being in seclusion with the Quran was very much needed. I also learned to bake bread during the same time and contradictingly to my religious awakening, dove into the world of anime, albeit cautiously. Papa had a stroke in Ramadan 1443H/2022, a few months before I went for hajj with Aisyah and Faris. There has been an ongoing massacre in Palestine since the end of 2023, may Allah relieve them of their suffering. A year later in October, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have just completed my treatments at the National Cancer Institute (IKN) on 30th July 2025. I learnt to bake chiffon cakes during the better days of my chemotherapy treatment.

    And here we are, still childless and unmarried nearly 6 months until my 40th. Being the eldest "andartu" (spinster) amongst my cousins does feel like an accomplishment, somehow. But I am honestly happier now. I remember writing about the elusive state of happiness somewhere on this blog. I'm glad it all worked out. No, the real measure of success is not by the numbers in our life, but the closeness of our hearts to Allah SWT. My bucket has been leaking a lot lately and I've been trying to tape it shut. It is a never ending struggle. But as long as we accept that that is what life actually is, then the suffering stops or at least become bearable.

I can't say I missed you, Brook. I haven't even thought about blogging one bit. Hopefully, I can keep this up again. It is quite masturbatory, I know, sorry (and sorry for using that word, although, it won't be the last time). I will try my best to talk less about myself. But as a forgetful person, this helps in my self-assessment efforts. Also, I am on a mission. 

Fare thee well, for now.

Oh, I mean...

Later days.

p/s: I have cats now.

The Journey So Far...

Dear Brook,
        For the past 2 weeks, I had been busier than I had ever been in UKM. UiTM keeps you on your toes. Especially if you're in my course, Screen Creative Tech.. Frustrating? Nay! Tired? Definitely, but only now do I really feel like a student of the higher education, unlike 6 years earlier when I started out in UKM. I am starting to think that what I'm currently feeling now may confirm what my ex-Dean said to me in his office while discussing my black-list situation back then. I was too young and was not ready for  the higher education (not his words at all, I'm just summing it up).

         My brain, it was lagging, and my genetics left me no chance to stay afloat. We all have different ways of learning, different periods needed, and of course different talents embedded. 2 years ago I bought  Daniel Goleman's Bestseller, Emotional Intelligence and it mentioned about Howard Gardner, a professor of education from Harvard who discovered the theory of Multiple Intelligences back in 1989 (PLEASE do Wiki it). Amazingly, it was what I had been looking for all along. Do you know that feeling? It was like I was somehow connected to it, fate...takdir. According to the book 'The People Code', a part of my personality is always feeling like 'I am on a mission from God', which I am proud of and I would do so if He allows it. And I believe this because for me, it had been true since before I even read the book. I had always been looking for my purpose in life. I know it sounds cliche but so is the truth. The truth is we are only the humble servants of God and we should only serve to His words while living amongst His epic masterpiece.
     
         Now, other than my gut-feeling fated enlightenment after reading the finding, I also found my place and actually got myself here in UiTM. So far so good because I am still feeling the pulse of life and I am seeing good signs, insyAllah. So early on in starting this course, we were told we had to do an individual research, I was all 'FEMINISM! FEMINISM! FEMINISM!' in my head then. Until I bought 'Brain Rules', a month ago, which fatefully reminded me all about the by-then-forgotten theory of the Multiple Intelligences a week before we had to submit our research topic. So now my research title would be something like 'An Alternative Education System Based on the Theory of Multiple Intelligences'. I haven't a clue yet on where I should begin or how I should tackle the research. But I do feel that there is a ring of truth to the theory and that this is my path. I just have to keep my head straight and remember that this is my purpose.

p/s: i started the post wanting to write about a dream i had last night. see how easily i can lose my way? :P

later days...

The Journey Begins

Assalamualaikum...

          26 years.
          It took me 26 years to finally get on the right track. The transition is over. From here on forth, all my energy and knowledge shall be dedicated to my absolute goal. My dear God, Ya Allah, I live to serve You. I beg You not to make me lose my way this time. I realized that You have given me what I have always asked for, how blind I have been. How blinder could I still be? Is this Your comedy my dear Allah? I am a fool, for I am only Your servant.

          UiTM is now my current field for knowledge gathering. Allow me to be frank, I miss UKM. As cliche as it sounds, it will always be in my heart. It was a place that gave me a special lesson...directly and indirectly. One of them was to trust Him no matter what. UKM was where I found that something was missing inside, it gave me a reason to start searching for what I needed to find - or at that time, what I thought I lost, happiness.

         A never ending quest I suppose, that search for our purpose in life. Our sole purpose. I agree we should trust Him in giving us one when He pulled us out of the darkness in the first place. It's the beauty of this life He created. We are forever bound in this sacred pact of life, forever connected through the finest strings of molecular structure. I wish to preserve that. Now, I may or may not be where I should be, but I have reasons to believe that somehow, I am. And so I fear Your wrath, Dear Allah, forgive me if I ever overjoyed, ever too proud, for I am weak.

I got myself here, or was that You Allah? :) . And so lemons will not only be turned to lemonades but also lemon meringue pies, lemon tarts, lemony sponge cake with lemon flavoured butter cream filling.

Strength & Honour!

     

Quitting

The time has come for me to leave the pizza place. 7 months. More than half a year and I am left battered.

It is cruel what humanity demands of us.
It is cruel how the community demands their rights in needs.
It is too cruel when customers make a scene after waiting too long for their orders while we in the kitchen are going as fast as we can to fulfill their never ending lists of needs and wants supervised by the golden criteria. We too are hungry, we too are thirsty, and we work whether in pain or anger. They raise their voices in annoyance, we smile to soothe their patience, offer free pizza on their next order. All for a basic RM900.

The people I got to know, the type of people customers are and can be, I will try not to forget. But Allah knows how forgetful I am. They will always be strangers to me. I never belonged but it was an opportunity to learn and so learned I did. Hopefully I gained for the better.

I am leaving you now. Some others may follow. We are tired. Thank you for your patience.

Good bye Domino's Pizza Bangi.

The Chemistry

Salam,

I wish I had other things to put into words other than my days as a pizza maker/cashier at BBB's Domino's Pizza but I spend half my days there where the other half is spent sleeping at home. I must admit, my patience is running thin. I'm getting bored of repeating the same sentences over and over again. See, I can't be in a field of a mundane and repetitive nature. I need projects that requires frequent brainstorming. Maybe I'm frustrated because I can't stop and stare and daydream for long to come up with ideas. I am constantly dealing with human beings. I reminisce the days of being alone and again, I envy inmates.

The other thing that frustrates me is that our community is still blind and being stupid about not being able to throw their own garbage into those specifically made containers strategically placed [or not] around most buildings. Of course I'm pointing out the one at Dom's. It's heartbreaking! It's right their on their way out, just chuck em' in! Please people, learn to be responsible for your own mess. Isn't it part of being a muslim? I thank those who do understand and I will try my best to not be a hypocrite on this matter [Oh crap..kat umah kne improve this behavior]. The least we could do is to pile them up neatly to make things easier for the table cleaners or busboys. Never think we deserve better than the people that cleans up after us. It's degrading. We are all equal.

Boys will be boys. Boys and their antics. Some boys are good, some bad, and some ugly. When the good leaves, you won't feel good anymore and you feel like leaving too. But the good never forgets a friend, and that makes you feel good again. Good boy.

Later days...

Mr.Muslim and Mr.Tanvee

Mr.Muslim
He came alone on a Sunday afternoon when the store was empty. He was tall and well [very well] built in the torso, very fair and looks Chinese. I thought he was Chinese until I heard his name [At Dom's we are required to acquire the customer's phone number and name for record]. He looked especially...gentle in his soft lavender tee and cream khaki shorts [below knee]. His voice was manly yet ever so charming and he smiles in gratitude. I had only one thing to say after you left the store Mr.Muslim, "You are a hunk!"

Mr.Tanvee
He came in today around 2pm. It was lunch hour but on a Monday so the store was pretty much empty with only a few other individuals scattered around the tables, waiting for their orders quietly. He looked Indian, I thought he was Malaysian Indian, so I said, "Selamat datang encik, sebelah sini encik," thumbing to the ordering counter. When he spoke, it was obvious he wasn't Malaysian. So I used my accented English just because I could. He had a British accent and so I met it with mine. Then he left for the 15 minutes guarantee period. Later, when he came for the pizza he said,"If you don't mind me saying, your English is very good, you sound very different, are you not from around here?" and so I told him how I've been over 'there' when I was a 'child' [I can't believe I used that word...why so formal haa? puyu]. He said that he was new in Bangi and he has met all kinds of people but, "you stand out the most...and your name, it's very...unique." I smiled wildly at the first compliment but pulled a very puzzled face for the latter, "Really? It's a very common Malaysian name." He seemed surprised and said he's never met anyone called Hidayah yet. I didn't know why I was rushing to end the conversation, I didn't even ask where he was from and why he moved here. But in the end when I said the common, "Thank you, come again." He replied, "Oh, I will. Thank you." That was nice. It made me happy for the rest of the day. I hope to see and talk to you again Mr.Tanvee.

Reporting live from Domino's BBB...later days.

At Dom's: A Month Later

I survived! While 2 other boys have trained and left, I am still here. I think it's mainly because I've been stationed at the front as the cashier. I am learning to make pizzas and have made a few orders but often sent out of the kitchen and towards the front to handle the customers during rush hours such as lunch/dinner time and throughout the weekends. I don't really mind because in a way, they still need me. There are issues of staff shortage at times which is quite frustrating.

I have befriended the Dom's staff and although their lives are staggeringly different from mine we can still relate. The managers here are strict but friendly and I value that a lot.

At Domino's I am not Edd Falco, I am Hidayah or Dayah. I am not a metalhead/rock chick but a girl. How did this happen? I have no idea, it just did and I like it for a change. It kinda reflects how I am really perceived in the open world and not just my bubble of thoughts. They treat me like a lady! Don't get me wrong, I still work hard, throw out the trash and clean everything from the rubbish bin to the hanging lamps. But the boys buy me food and drinks, make sure I get to eat, ask how I'm doing, and make me laugh when I look tired.

There'll be a new girl coming in for training today. YAY! The only other girl staff has been absent a few times now. This new girl I have a feeling will stay long, she's a tomboy like the current one but not as loud. Hopefully she'll do fine because we are critically short on pizza makers and I don't think they're too keen on training me as one for I would leave in a few months.

Update! I blew off both left tires of mom's Iswara last night coming home from work.

Still tired but still happy, later days...off to work.

Domino's

Today was the first day!
I'm still in training though but I've seen everything. I mean EVERYTHING! and that is all that's going to be said.
I applied for the pizza maker position, thinking they'd put me safely behind enemy's line and far away from the social scene. But NO! Not yet at least...I hope. Everybody has to experience everything so today, I was mainly the greeter who's also the one punching in the orders. I guess I was the only trainee who was able to pick it up quickly. Oh did I mention I was the only female working in the store today.

The first thing the manager (let's call him Mr.Man) told me when I stepped into the kitchen was:
1) The majority of the employees are men.
2) The only other girl (yes, singular) currently working for them isn't much like a girl. Seriously, I've seen her.
3) Like any other fast food restaurant, it's hectic & tiring. Please don't give up easily.
I quivered after every single line he said.

After Mr. Man showed us around the store he gave us our first task: Memorize all the pizzas in 5minutes. Now, as much as I love Domino's pizzas I did not know all 16 of them. Now I do. After that we kinda loitered around in the corners of the tiny store because he was busy pizza making.

Then I kinda made my way to my future prospect, the pizza making table (I forgot what they called it) to observe. You know what it reminded me of? Those free online time management games. Seriously! There's a time limit too! No joke. I don't know when I'll be thrown into all that mess yet. Kinda nervous about it since I suck at that game. I half wished they'd just put me in the front line but NO! You'll never know unless you try. Oh wait...Do or do not, there is no try!

The good thing is all the 'senior' guys are quite friendly and the environment is cheerful although a bit loud. I could hardly hear the customer's numbers and orders. Asking a customer to repeat anything they say kinda annoys them. I know, I was a bad listener in clinic and my horrible short term memory was no help.

Hopefully things will be okay in the future. I have never been in this kinda business before and I really wanna make it work despite Mr.Man's friendly reminder that 2 female employees had recently left after only a few days of work. Yes, there are easier jobs with less human contact but I'd want to value experience as much as I value money.
And a bigger hope is that I can get into UiTM. Please Allah, please. I don't want to be useless anymore.

Later days...

Self Analysis part III...I think

Haaaa...where am I?

Everytime I write a self analysis on this blog it's usually after the recovery of a big fall. It's quite pathetic because for the previous two posts [2 years ago??] it's like I've achieved a major breakthrough and although I did mention a prediction of another fallout [which did happen], I thought I was capable of handling it. Well I don't know what to make of the outcome really, because I'm trying not to see terminating my dental studies as a failure but rather, moving on to be a better person. Yes, it is quite a cheat, shut up. And that's that.

I am getting more and more frustrated with the state of my mind. I don't have a stable personality and not having control over one self is making me feel rather sick. I know who I am [existentially] and my goals. I recognize my phases and moods but I can't control the length of time that they conquer me. When I'm angry I long not to be because it hurts other people when I am. When I'm happy I also feel guilt and long to depress because it squeezes out the creative juices in me, with a little anger and hatred I am driven. I just need to stay away from self pity which is quite hard with my low self esteem. Anger is easy to come since I'm a hot head egomaniac.

But within all this overflowing, dysfunctional, emotional personality instability, my thoughts from any random thing to the current views will be raging like fireworks. And these thoughts shifts so much from one emotion to another that I forget them and miss them. I can only remember bits and pieces and not the whole idea, no matter how brilliant. Why not right them down? malas. The funny thing is when I shift in emotion and subsequently in thoughts, the previous thoughts of the previous emotions just seem so ridiculous and alien and sometimes magnificent.

But that's just it, I only process thoughts. They do not proceed down the conveyor belt to the fabrication room and be transformed into action. They are dust in the wind. I need to do something with my hands.
But here's the catch, I'm a procrastinator.

..last night I dreamnt of being married twice. The first disappeared and the current was tiny. ???

Emo Edd and her Hate Paint

Today my clinic partner Ann asked me to make a list my weaknesses. I know, pretty frontal. But she was trying to make conversation with me so that I won't doze off like last time. It was a boring clinic. Digging for calculus is a boring job. And assisting a calculus digger is ten times the bore.

I only gave off a few. It's like being asked what your favourite song or movies are. You know them at some point but you go blank when asked...point blanc. But unlike fave songs or movies where you can always try to remember what you typed in your many social net profiles, weaknesses are features we tend to hide and deny. Reading this you might think, "No, I don't"...yeah.

Well, my list of weaknesses is quite...very long. Noticing them was one thing, admitting them is another. One main trait is that I have a big fat ego. [I just typed 'ego' in capitals but rewrote them in small - trying not to prove a point] I noticed this problem 5 years ago during my 2nd year 'here' [crap, I'm still 'here']. And although I noticed it I didn't know how to deal with it. I used to think that studying dentistry was one of the cause and that I needed to force myself into manual labor to understand the effort needed to deserve a living  but that was just a premature speculation based on non other than the monthly emo-hormonal fluctuation which at that time was pretty much nearly everyday of the 2nd semester [dare you to say that sentence in one breath].

So it was left to grow and grow and now I'm kinda fearful in facing it head on. Its like it has a life of it's own and if I try to banish it from my pinky hemispheres it would squirt out a self defense mechanism which in my case would be an autoimmune mechanism. And then I would lose all my other features, good or bad. I will transform into a zombie and join the world of the undead as a brainless mass of meat-suit where it's sole purpose of wonderment is to devour fresh, juicy brains of the living. I'd rather be a vamp [of the Underworld type, not Twilight nor Trueblood].

I am not sure where this trait comes from. A theory suggests genetics but that is only through personal observation only. Another theory would be the exponential rise during my academical peaking in college matriculation thus leading to my placement in the dental world. It could be both, resulting in a cumulative result. Wahai si bongkak.

Second biggest weakness, I brag about myself. Even be bold enough to reveal my weaknesses, an attempt to appear fearless and cool. Need I elaborate more? Actually I think this should be number 1.b) since I have my own blog.

Third, the hatred that feeds my soul. I see it as both a curse and a blessing. Not many people can cultivate hate and use it as a source of inspiration. Well, negative inspiration of course but one inspiration does lead to another and from all that fire, a phoenix will rise. And my phoenix is gonna kill you black listers.

[I have to cut this short for I am sleep deprived]

Last night I unloaded a heavy burden and after a long time, I can write again. Although I have lost all my readers and this post might not be read by anybody at all, ever, I feel like I did when I first started this blog. Hopeful. InsyAllah.


Later days.

Jolt

I suddenly felt the need to write this down. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of needing to wake up. Is it a coincidence that I am now 'locking' myself up in my room, my bunker to complete my video project? - An assignment related to a passion of mine. And that at the same time watched Inception for the 1st time? A movie I have so long tried to avoid knowing it will haunt me for days. I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed.

The need to make a movie as inspiring...the characters, the music...
[but to be honest, the gravity of the whole situation wasn't that critical. It wasn't the end of the world :P ]

The need to wake up from my own mind, my bunker and what it would mean to actually wake up. What from? To where?

The need to...well thats it really... Buzz KILL..

I wonder what would've happened if I didn't watch the movie in the first place. Would I still be pondering about the need to wake up and out of this mess? Of course I would. I just wouldn't feel the desperate need to go bungee jumping for a 'kick'.

there's a quiz in an hour and I need a bath..

post 100#

It's 6th July its my mom and nephew's birthday today...

Funny thing was, I forgot until it was Maghrib as I sat down in front of my facebook account. By then my mom's page was already full of birthday wishes by everyone! except me. So I eagerly waited for her to finish her prayers n went to hug her at the same time wishing her. Hopefully that would do today. I don't know what to give her. I should buy/make something though because I kinda gave her a horrible year [punches self]... And because my big bro gave her a friggin' GOLD CHAIN!! That surely heats up the sibling rivalry. 
<<< Two years ago on Nazrin Firdaus' birth day

Earlier today I shot the 3rd installment for my to-be series, 'Myselves', which is still in its experimental stages. I'm still developing each of the character's personalities and behaviour. It's quite challenging since I'm playing all 4 characters and mind you, acting isn't as easy as it seems [new found respect]. I'm also learning to better myself in editing techniques, trying to gain little by little from every experience. The four characters are based on my main four alter egos. No wait...three, because the 'real me' is one of them. I was planning to bring in my fourth but it would be too 'serabut', chaotic... 

post shooting

I hope I wake up early tomorrow. I need to go to KL to register for a college room. Hopefully I get a singles room. So I'd get to do Myselves videos while I'm at college! and maybe put in some dental student life related stuff. Then maybe my fouth ego would get an appearance as she is into that kind of stuff. Oh Edwina the Great. But like all heroes and villains, each characters have their own weaknesses...my weaknesses. BUT I'm not that confident on getting a singles room, since its already Tuesday and class starts on next Monday.

I've been watching a lot of old British comedy lately. Truly missed. 

From top left, clockwise: Blackadder, Bottom, Spaced [epic], Big Train sketches. I'm looking for more. 

It's research!

And I finally got a chance to watch 'Sons of Anarchy' on Astro's FXHD [did anybody know about this channel...dri mne dtg ntah]. It's about outlaw biker gang stuff, I'm kinda into it since I played GTA4's The Lost and Damned. I read about it a month ago while looking up Justified. Nearly freaked out finding it on Astro yesterday.

Fun times being on a long undeserving holiday but everything has an ending and I have 5 more days until class starts. Back to 'fun & learning'.

Sepak Terajang Sama Mereka

First Malay title.
But yes, the rest will be in English...kot...ok not

Improvised and exaggerated version of today's discussion:

Parents: You're too rigid. You have to be more flexible and humane.

Me: Yelah yelah...I know. And I know my ego is up here [hand above head].

Parents: Ye ke?

Me: Yelah yelah...nun di sana [points towards the sky] celestial egoism. Astronomically speaking.


So marilah sama2 bantu saya sepak terajang sama setan2 dalam hamba Allah yg lemah ini.
InsyAllah saya boleh jadi insan molek skit. Xdela emo sokmo.

Time kasih.

Post-RAYA Syndrome

Muahahahaha!! Selamat Hari Raya to all potential readers.

A little correction regarding the last post...apparently my batch won't be undergoing the continuous clinical weeks, only the 5th years are the unfortunate victims. Us 4th years are only subject to having 2 weeks of holiday extracted from our calender. DAMNATION!!

ONLY 1 WEEK OF SEMESTER BREAK??!! AND WHAT??!! NO MIDSEM BREAK FOR THE 2ND SEM??!! BAAH HUMBUG!!

Whatever dudes...let's just get it done with. I'm tired of all this nonsense.

RAYA was awesome at kampung! Didn't get to do the interviews I said I would but for the 1st time ever, made a video that included all the 1st class 'anak dara's and the 3 boys.










Plus my sister



All left to do is editing but I am in a slow mood since class starts tomorrow..ekh..and I'm still in RAYA mode. Quick...somebody invite me to an open house!!

Our house is in a open house mood as well. We got a new sofa set!



Alrighty then! Better start on the video...I'll notify once it's completed.














Laters...

1st of The Worsts

For once I'll be writing of what is to come and not what had already came and been done with. This coming week, the week before Raya will be pretty much horrifying. For the next 5 days, with tests nearly every single day, clinics everyday, a project proposal to present, and requirements to pass up by the end of the week, my prediction is that I'll be dead before Raya.

But that's only the appetizer! The worst of the worse is yet to come. Early next year, my friggin faculty will be undergoing some reconstruction and renovations. The clinics are gonna be revamped! Great news! But we have to pay the price. All the clinical sessions will be done early, the only way to do that is to push them all up to the start of the 2nd semester. So the plan was that we had to undergo months of merely clinical time, no lectures, just so we could complete the requirements. Crazy? Yes! It'll be like going to work! I don't know if I can do this man! I suck bad at multitasking. All the lectures will be postponed until a month before the finals where we'll be having them 8-5 every weekday. Crazy? Even more!! It'll be like 1st year all over again but hopefully, it'll help me study.

One good-but-not-overjoyed news I'd like to share is that I'm in charge of making a 10-15mins video for a Public Health project. So, yes my brain is excited about that which means it's hard for me to concentrate now. It shall be in a form of an informal documentary containing clips of interviews and sketches.

Announcement to all adult family members of Edd: I will be conducting video interviews about oral health, volunteers are welcome, specifically chosen candidates shall be named. I am asking for your full support and cooperation. Please and thank you. [Interviewer: Dhuha, cameradude: Me]

Later days...

Out With It

Okay, I'll no longer deny and avoid the factual statement that I'm a dental student.
So here's the latest interesting thing.

Today my group had a short field trip to Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia, Putrajaya. We went to the Dentistry sector of course, sat for an hour's talk on Oral Health Promotion, toured the offices, had free 'oily & caffeinated' lunch, and patiently waited for the bus. I didn't bring a camera since I'm not the posing type of person, but I did see something worth sharing and shot it with my lousy phone cam which turned out horrish. So here's an equivalent shot from the www:

read the smallprints

It was manufactured around 1997. What the hell were they thinking?! Desensetizing kids to the profession?! Did it work? So far, I still have never heard a little girl saying they want to grow up to be a dentist, it's always a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a doctor. Nowadays? A popstar.

What a day...it was one of those days where somehow, time was spared in every corner but unfortunately by the end of the day you know you benefited nothing from it because you spent most [if not all] of that potential hours sat in front of your bro's computer listening to Russell Peters and playing Prototype. And now? Sit across your laptop for an hour typing about it when hardly anybody is gonna read it. Great learning EPs collected there.

Later days...

ShreDDer

No, I'm not talking about the age old villain of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I'm talking about getting ripped. If you know me [like really really know me] you'd know I am obsessed with wanting a six pack abs. If at all possible, a whole ripped bod. Not of the bodybuilder kind, just as much as Jillian Michael's.

I know what most people say, "ppuan x lawa la bdn besar, gagah perkasa!". SO WHAT! It's for me! It's one thing I won't be showing off anyway. Self satisfaction, to know that I am in control of my own body and mind. It's not easy but much more bearable than some of the stuff I'm going through right now because it's MY CHOICE.

So far, I've been going through countless phases in attempting this goal but never really made it yet. This year I've just started. I'm undergoing Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. This of course can only work if I control my diet. I know I'm not obese but I have my frustrating target areas. So far on my 22nd day and I feel awesome! I haven't lost any weight, mainly because I still have problems controlling my food intake and even if I did lose some it may have been counterbalanced by some weight gain via muscle mass. I am all toned up. It's a great feeling.

The great thing about the workout is that it only takes up 20-30mins/day. I added my own modifications so mine lasts up to 40mins/day. The whole thing is divided into 3 levels of gradually increasing intensity. Level 1 for the first 10 days, Level 2 for the next 10, and Level 3 for the final 10 days. I must warn you, it never gets easy but the pain is worth it and it feels good.

Diet monitoring is pretty hard when you're at home, eating your mom's cooking but I'm able to manage my own portions well and take some supplementary side dishes if I feel the need. Counting calories, keeping the ratio balanced. Carbs, pros, fats. H2O, fuel for the body. Oatmeal, oatmeal, oatmeal.

I'd love to write more about the whole thing but there's already way too many articles on them. If anybody's interested just google em' up.

Later days

H1N1

Alas, the flu mania has finally affected UKMKKL and we are now not allowed to go to class until 2nd August. Oh shucks! There's no confirmed cases yet, everything is still under suspicion but for the greater good and the safety of the nation, SHUTDOWN! was announced. There were 50 suspected cases.

Honestly, I've been feeling very vulnerable to the flu for a while since I'm commuting across Bangi to KL everyday for classes. Everyday was a potential risk of infection. Scary? Not really. I keep my hands crossed and try not to touch anything on the way. I didn't really feel the need of wearing a mask. I get wear them nearly everyday in clinic sessions where the risk of disease infections are way higher.

Moral of the story: Don't play in the sun, you may get burned. ???

Anyway...
YAY! for a week holiday
BOOHOO! for all the wasted clinic time

Laters...

Losing it

I'm losing excitement day by day. Waking up with nothing but an entangled mess of frustrating mist heaving my spirit out of life and submerged under a thick layer of grime. The only person that's keeping me going is my younger brother, since he's also in his holidays [school], I try to find day to day enjoyment by playing video games with him.
Astro keeps showing reruns and I'm not just talking about the movie channels,
I can't read because it'll put me to sleep,
I can't make videos because I ran out of materials...well I have a few to work on but I'm experimenting on a different software so it'll take time to complete...
I'm pausing my song-making effort because I don't want to rush and miss out

Nearly everything is putting me down lately and going to bed early is still hard for me. It's about that time for me to do what I do best, keep my mind busy by making up movies in my head, a realm for where my advanced self image shines best. Sometimes I feel like I'm saving myself from this world to live in another. I know it sounds absurd and unrealistic but the feeling of self belonging keeps escaping my flail, reluctant grasp. I am enraged when people don't understand me but at the same time also enraged when they're spot on. I have yet pondered the answers to why. I have a personality that is destructive in nature thus, I am better alone. I even find myself revolted by the idea of marriage, nowadays.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm choosing to be this way...no wait, in a way I am but that's too complicated to explain. But trust me, I am looking for a way to get out because my future looks bleak. It's just that with the state of affairs and the way that I am, my very existent is rebelling with every threat that comes to change me. I tend to develop a radical idea way too negative of a suggestion made for me to change.

Someone once asked me, "Are you looking for something?". I was hanging out with 4 of my high school seniors at a cafe after silat practice around 7 years ago. 3 of them were guys and while the rest were discussing school politics, one of the guys stared into my eyes and suddenly put a curious face on. He asked the above and I was struck down awkward but with a clueless mind answered him, "No, I don't think so." I was 16 at that time and he was scaring the hell out of me. He continued saying, "You look like you're searching for something. [awkward pause] You are. [awkward pause] You will. When you are, don't stop looking." I said "Okay?" and whispered to my female senior the signal to leave. I never actually told anyone about this since I never took it seriously. It is after all very random, but the way he stared into me...creepy it was.

We're all looking for something in this life, be it peace, happiness, or financial overdose. Sometimes we're not even sure what we're supposed to be looking for and that is what we're looking for in the time being. The journey is way too long to be written as a RM85 600 paged thick hardback novel, re-enacted in a 3 hour limiting biographical motion picture, recited as an hour long orchestral symphony but when it's time to die, we almost wish we did more.

I'd rather you hate me for what I am than loving me for what I can't become...

Later be thy days..

eddsterfalconian

Click here to go now...

My Youtube account. Link is also on my LINK! tab on the right column >>>>

As of yesterday, I've decided to actively edit & upload videos in Youtube. It will be my holiday's project for this year. I've already put up a few.

So those of you who has Youtube accounts please go check it out & subscribe if you wish. No force there. Please rate & comment if it's not too much to ask.

Those with no accounts, no fuss in making one. It's free and only takes a while. But still no force there. You can still just watch.

Enjoy!