Hey Brook,
I apologise (Holding back laughter).
Before we start this back up again, let me confess that I no longer swear, I'm happy, and I love being me. I did forget the last post as I said I would. I even forgot I started fiction blogs and felt like I was reading a stranger's draft. How terrifying. I teared up reading the ending of the previous post because it was all true. It was a relief that I no longer feel all the rage that was being conveyed. There is an urge to delete that embarassing existential crisis rant but I'd like to remember the dark spots in my timeline in order to appreciate the current existance. What an angry idiot I was but I'm glad I kept this blog.
2015, I just graduated from UiTM film school then. It wasn't what I expected. Underwhelming to say the least. I guess that was part of the disappointment back then. Of course, now that I've found my way back here again, I will be rereading all the past posts because, yes, I like the sound of my own...writing? (whatever works) The reason I've come back to blogging is because cousin Dhuha has inspired me to start noveling (instead of screenwriting). But since I haven't been writing for quite some time, I figure I need a little warm up. I might even continue the fictional blog, "Filling the Void". But I'd have to change the story since it was started in 2009, prior the dental exit, and I have no memory whatsoever of any "head films" about it. Let's call it that from now on, head films. The films I've mentally constructed for my daydreaming pleasure. I'm pretty sure it's maladaptive daydreaming.
But I digress, here are highlights since I stoppped writing (the ones I haven't forgotten). I began managing Mama's transit business around the time I wrote the previous post, reluctantly at first but am now really grateful for it. The same year, I traveled to Seoul, South Korea with cousin Hannan and my earliest friend, Ayunni, serving as our tour guide. A few months later, I went to Tokyo, Japan, alone. Well, I flew alone but stayed at my brother, Syam's apartment when he was still working there. I accomplished 10 pull ups on Eid in 2018 after training for nearly a year for it, the year that I peaked in physical fitness. I still miss the 2020 Covid lockdowns, which was a blessing because I had a paradigm shift the week prior. Being in seclusion with the Quran was very much needed. I also learned to bake bread during the same time and contradictingly to my religious awakening, dove into the world of anime, albeit cautiously. Papa had a stroke in Ramadan 1443H/2022, a few months before I went for hajj with Aisyah and Faris. There has been an ongoing massacre in Palestine since the end of 2023, may Allah relieve them of their suffering. A year later in October, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have just completed my treatments at the National Cancer Institute (IKN) on 30th July 2025. I learnt to bake chiffon cakes during the better days of my chemotherapy treatment.
And here we are, still childless and unmarried nearly 6 months until my 40th. Being the eldest "andartu" (spinster) amongst my cousins does feel like an accomplishment, somehow. But I am honestly happier now. I remember writing about the elusive state of happiness somewhere on this blog. I'm glad it all worked out. No, the real measure of success is not by the numbers in our life, but the closeness of our hearts to Allah SWT. My bucket has been leaking a lot lately and I've been trying to tape it shut. It is a never ending struggle. But as long as we accept that that is what life actually is, then the suffering stops or at least become bearable.
Fare thee well, for now.
Oh, I mean...
Later days.
p/s: I have cats now.
