Losing it

I'm losing excitement day by day. Waking up with nothing but an entangled mess of frustrating mist heaving my spirit out of life and submerged under a thick layer of grime. The only person that's keeping me going is my younger brother, since he's also in his holidays [school], I try to find day to day enjoyment by playing video games with him.
Astro keeps showing reruns and I'm not just talking about the movie channels,
I can't read because it'll put me to sleep,
I can't make videos because I ran out of materials...well I have a few to work on but I'm experimenting on a different software so it'll take time to complete...
I'm pausing my song-making effort because I don't want to rush and miss out

Nearly everything is putting me down lately and going to bed early is still hard for me. It's about that time for me to do what I do best, keep my mind busy by making up movies in my head, a realm for where my advanced self image shines best. Sometimes I feel like I'm saving myself from this world to live in another. I know it sounds absurd and unrealistic but the feeling of self belonging keeps escaping my flail, reluctant grasp. I am enraged when people don't understand me but at the same time also enraged when they're spot on. I have yet pondered the answers to why. I have a personality that is destructive in nature thus, I am better alone. I even find myself revolted by the idea of marriage, nowadays.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm choosing to be this way...no wait, in a way I am but that's too complicated to explain. But trust me, I am looking for a way to get out because my future looks bleak. It's just that with the state of affairs and the way that I am, my very existent is rebelling with every threat that comes to change me. I tend to develop a radical idea way too negative of a suggestion made for me to change.

Someone once asked me, "Are you looking for something?". I was hanging out with 4 of my high school seniors at a cafe after silat practice around 7 years ago. 3 of them were guys and while the rest were discussing school politics, one of the guys stared into my eyes and suddenly put a curious face on. He asked the above and I was struck down awkward but with a clueless mind answered him, "No, I don't think so." I was 16 at that time and he was scaring the hell out of me. He continued saying, "You look like you're searching for something. [awkward pause] You are. [awkward pause] You will. When you are, don't stop looking." I said "Okay?" and whispered to my female senior the signal to leave. I never actually told anyone about this since I never took it seriously. It is after all very random, but the way he stared into me...creepy it was.

We're all looking for something in this life, be it peace, happiness, or financial overdose. Sometimes we're not even sure what we're supposed to be looking for and that is what we're looking for in the time being. The journey is way too long to be written as a RM85 600 paged thick hardback novel, re-enacted in a 3 hour limiting biographical motion picture, recited as an hour long orchestral symphony but when it's time to die, we almost wish we did more.

I'd rather you hate me for what I am than loving me for what I can't become...

Later be thy days..