Saturday, 27 September 2008


Seriously Brook, I can't gather my mind to study anymore. With 3 more days to go, who can? And why in the hell are there still classes on Raya's eve?!! Not to mention clinics! more of my uni crap, because of it, it'll be my first time celebrating 1st day of Raya in Bangi and not in Kelantan with all the other families and not to mention my lovely cousins. And because of that we'll be having the annual 8-hour journey on the same day after the morning prayers, what a way to celebrate an incredibly joyous day. Well it's not all up to me, my brother is in the same situation too, work up to Raya's eve and only having 2 days off. Grrrr to the gov authorities!

Brook: So, I hear you're staying alone in your apartment for the weekends. What's up with that?
Edd: Yeah, I know. Most un-bodacious! My social meter is deteriorating so fast I wish I have a Sims cheat to keep it stable.
Brook: OMG Edd, purple? [whisper]

Edd: shut up [whisper]
Brook: [cont] Then why don't you just go home?
Edd: I'm gonna, trust me. I just needed some time alone to get the juicy inspirations back into my blood. I've got a new tune on the guitar so I'll be going home in a few hours.
Brook: What else have you done in your time alone?

Edd: Well...I've been bored.

That's my solo breakfast meal bought from a nearby baazar. Not homecooked but there wasn't much choice and tea is a must!

Teman hidup.

Teman hidup sorang lagi. My mistress, Vypress...ahaha!

Tempat dating ngan mistress.

And stay in there, I've no time to babysit you guys anymore..uhuhu!

My well-managed food and beverage bar. The only thing I lack is stock. Closing in on the holidays, food stock diminishes.

Let's look outside. Wow, if I had parkour skills I'd be able to make that jump and break into that apartment. I wonder what I'd find.

Don't give me that look young man. You've got a great deal of things to learn in your life ahead and utter boredom is one of them.

The other view. Not much life in colour. Or is it my phone cam?

That's not funny Firdaus. Taula parents awak ade hp canggih...even your pic here is full of life..aaawwww!

Come on people! Seed me! The download is so slow! I need this before Raya!!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri & Maaf Zahir Batin

Later days...

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

So it begins...

A chapter full of hate and denial...

hurt by fantasmica

Last week, the turmoil that complicated my last year's life made a comeback. I thought it was the monthly feme-zilla syndrome but today I felt it again. In the morning's class as she lectured away, I felt that deep tug in my gut and I heard myself saying, "I don't want to be like her, I don't want to be like them all". I felt so disgusted I wanted to get out but that wouldn't stop the sickness inside.

What can I do?

I look back in time when I was in the Dragon Lady's lair, confronting the war inside me. She gave me the choices of which she would choose. Choices that were impossible for me simply because I'm her complete opposite. She advised me to analyze the disturbance within and get to the root of the problem. I have come up with too many good reasons to be called as the main excuse even before those words were said.

My choice was to either disappoint
my family or disappoint myself. I can't loose my family because in no others do I trust and with that I would die. So I'll sacrifice myself and try to be happy. Mask the hate that fuels my veins. I thought it would work but clearly the cover is wearing thin and I fear they would notice soon. Honestly I have been putting in a lot of effort trying to make this chance a better deal for me. I guess the fact remains that this is not what I am constructed for. Something is not aligned in my life right now or else I wouldn't hate as much.

What is my function in this world? Where am I supposed to be? Where is my calling? Or is this all just me being delusional? Not able to separate fantasy from reality. Denying reality.

If I had talent, I'd know. If I had money, I'd go. If I had passion, I'd follow.

My passion, music and writing. But that's as far as I can think for myself, the rest of this consciousness is holding me back. Fear is pinning me down like a dog on it's leash. Fear that loved ones would not approve. I look around and hear stories of people in the same situation but making it out alive and graduating succesfully. I can't seem to do that because my mind has fully rejected the idea and I can't proceed.

I see them walk around in white coats, converse in a professional manner, express their passion of the industry, and my mind is just screaming for me to get out. Is it not supposed to end in peace? Like any other war fought on this deteriorating chunk of molten rock, no. Blood will be spilt and lives will be lost. The question is who's?

Later days.

ps: True story but I'm not really that lost or hurt. This is the super exaggerated version. I'm just getting into mood of writing new songs. Hahahaha!! Gotcha!

Sunday, 21 September 2008

No photos?!

Oh darn, BROOK! I unbelievably forgot to take a single photo of today's major event. My big family gathered at our house today for 'breakfast'. I guess we were having too much of a good time that the minor importance of photos to validate a moment in time simply slipped our minds. Dammit!x3.

I wasn't really hanging out with the rest much anyways, I was giving someone a personal lesson in life. A guitar lesson. A terribly basic guitar lesson of which I am only able to afford. I wish I had more to give but being a student myself to the mighty instrument with the web as my tutor in lessons, I either understand less or differently from the official schooling. made me realize how far I've come and though petite the progress in time, it's all worth it. If life can appear along with death, then I too have gained in reparation of my loss.

okay..I'm sleepy..but still want to go and play later days.

ps: sorry no pics.

Sunday, 14 September 2008

Keep on wishing...


I'm in my one week holiday now but as I have feared, I have been struck by gastritis a few times now. Very mild but the fear of self defect is there. I know in the past I have deliberately inflicted pain and injury onto this borrowed, fleshy vessel but gastritis is not the cool type of pain can't move and you feel like it's sucking you in. A whole new center of gravity...a donut ring in your abs.

Anyway, today I'll just list down a few things I wish I had but I know I'll never get them because it's either unnecessary, illegal, impossible in nature or sick in nature. Oh and it won't necessarily be in a ranking position.

1. A sniper rifle
my falcon

Okay so this kinda tops my list. I would definitely have this if I was Axel Rozz [from previous post]. I don't know if everybody shares this fantasy but I would love to be up in a tower and under super-stealth camouflage, pop out the little creatures down below. Not necessarily human [as in enemies..not innocent bystanders like in GTA3..oh yeah]...zombies or aliens would do too.

2. My pyramid mansion

this is the mini, solid version..ehem

This was my essay masterpiece in form 4. It was about my dream of living in a titanium pyramid all by myself with each floor bearing different themes for different functions. Why? Because I've been passionate about the ancient Egyptians since I was 9, not so much now though. This obviously screams solitaire into my personal resume.

3. A 1977 Firebird Trans Am
my firebird

Oh yeah dudes!! If I am ever going to own a car, this will be my sweet sweet ride. My bro can have Kitt, all I want is you.

4. A movie deal
my fiction

With all my screenplays, I get to be the producer, director, and star role. This wish, I know, a triple long shot. I don't really want it, it's just where I hope all my writing would be put to good use.

5. A rock band [both the game and the real thing]

this is the game

YEAH!! nuff said...I'll be on bass.

6. Become Axel Rozz
prepare to die

Duh! Of course I wanna be her...but there's no villain good enough to collaborate with.

7. A 800G brain
my brain?

Alright! All I need to do is connect and upload. No fuss, no hassle. What speed? As fast as possible [AFAP].

8. The power of invisibility
okay that's just me being creepy...but close enough

This is the true power. I need no fortune, I need no fame, the world is my b***h. [hahaha..oh gosh that was so evil I'm so proud of myself...high 5!!]

9. Endless stock to all my metal doses!!
my iTunes.. downloading..dragonforce, annihilator, and hurt.

Oh wait, I already have this. NEXT!

10. A MacBook Air
my piece

I dunno why really, it's so slick and mobile maybe. I can do a lot of destruction with this piece of technology strapped to my back as I shoot across the plains escaping my enemy's sight. But seriously though, who wouldn't want one?!!

Okay I've run out of ideas but looking back at all the things in the's obvious that I'm easily affected by spy movies. Only I'm twisting it a little, I'll be an anti-hero. Ohoho!

This is nice, lists are fun. I'll do more for my next entries.

Later days...

Friday, 5 September 2008

SinS Galore !!

Okay, I can no longer deny the fact that I'm one of the devilish beings but not in the anger factor I mentioned in my previous Ramadhan post.

I don't know why but the same thing happened during last year's Ramadhan too. I get myself deep in metal, so very deep. It was last year that I discovered the compelling amount of metal's sub-genres and various bands from them. Thanks a lot Wikipedia! This year, as you can see in my list of current addictions, they're all metal based radio channels from live365. It's an internet radio with gazillions other channels to choose from. Not just metal, so do not despair. So of course from these international radios I'm constantly introduced to bands either I've never heard of before or I have but never had the time to check em' out. So imagine what meg@3on [my laptop] is doing staying up 24/7. meg@pod [my Ipod] still has space so I don't think I'll stop anytime soon.

Anyway, with 'presidentl' and 'herrRaven' channels being suspended from YouTube, I no longer have anything to feed my hunger and thirst for Ghost Hunters episodes. It's like I have to fast on them too. Haha! Thus...live365 comes back into consideration.

busy me

I know, I know...the time isn't right. But trust me, I'm busting my whole existence to counter balance my metal sessions with a lot of Quran reading and in the future, the xxtra prayers.

Speaking of which, gotta get some of it done so LATER DAYS...