Dear Malaysia

I hate you right now. What do you want? You're making everyone bitter, making everyone arrogant for making their choices. This battle of egos is nothing more than playground politics, it's absurd. No, I don't understand and I don't think I need to. My level of knowledge and education is obviously lower than most of men up there and if they can't see eye to eye, what good would my understanding do? If it is a crime not to choose then cuff my hands. If it is a sin then I'll exile myself into hiding from the eyes of men and spend the rest of my life devoting myself to my God. I see great faults on both pastures and with all the turmoil in the air I see no water ahead. Your flocks will die and you will fade into just another terrible nightmare. Bogeymen of the 21st century. You are all Bogeymen. My naivety is lost under all this hatred. Equal hatred for both parties. Equal hatred for all unnecessary conflicts. Democracy is a myth.

Remember when Qui Gon Jinn found Anakin and thought he was The One, as mentioned in the prophecy? But Anakin turned out to be the one to bring the Jedi down. It was his son Luke instead that was the saviour.

Remember when Merlin thought Sir Lancelot was the prophetic hero? But his affair with the Queen turned out to be the catalyst that lead to many deaths, including Arthur's. It was his bastard son Galahad that turned out to be the hero.

Yes these are fictions but fictions are inspired by real events. I have a point but I am not brave enough to speak it out loud.

Even in desperation maybe it isn't wise to choose to drink from either a poisoned well or a bowl of seawater. It's not like we'd last longer, we'll just suffer more before we die. If we don't choose, we can walk further, struggle further, search further. Maybe then we'll meet a Luke or a Galahad. And die as fate had intended but with dignity.

I'm sorry, this is just my opinion.

The Aching Need II

I need a new laptop.
sh@dowfaX is a friggin retard and can no longer serve efficiently as my co-conspirator. I can't have this! I have a mission to fulfill and that mission is about to be jeopardized by a lack of speed & bytes. I hope I can strike a deal for a cheap one somewhere.

I need a HD camcorder.
since I'm getting more active in this video making activity, I might as well get my own equipment. Hopefully a proper one that captures videos and not just a multifunctional digital camera.

Later days...

What The FLIP??!!

Okay readers of euphoric_nightmare, today I am going to write to you about a true story based on a real-life event that just took place here, in my friggin Plaza Rah apartment, this morning.

In as little number of words as possible, here I go:

I came back early today, around 10.30am, because it was 'self-directed learning' which basically means, 'balik bilik tidur' for most people, whatever. I was just excited because I can spend the whole day going through my planned out study plan while surfing for 'Whose Line is it Anyway'. [I'm trailing off the main point]

Anyway, came back, found a large pair of slippers getting caught behind the main door as I opened it and said to myself, "hmm, must be one of the roomie's friend's", as one of my roomies does have a friend that might fit into them. I settled down on my chair in the living room where my other roomie was sitting next to me, at her desk, studying. After a couple of breathers, I went across the tiny hall to my room, reached for the door and found it locked. I was sharing it with 2 others where 1 of them went home for study leave. So as I sat back down to wait for my roomie to open up the door, I chatted away with my studying roomie or housemate.

Later, my roomie whom I actually share a room with, opened up the door and with a 'tudung' on her head, quickly stopped me from going in the room, "Jap! Ada orang,". Okay, so I sat back down. And then she said, "Jangan tengok tau." Okay? Bells of suspicions ringing, bringing up the dead. I exchanged curious glances with my studying housemate.

If you still can't guess what happened next, you'll understand how surprised I was. She came out with a guy, from our room, the room I sleep in at nights, or have trouble sleeping in (insomnia). Obviously now I will have trouble sleeping in it. With her. Imagine the shock! Both of those numskulls have some decent religious background. What the hell?!!

And the thing was, after she came back from sending him off downstairs, she came to us saying, "Ei, senyap-senyap je lah ye...". I looked away quickly not knowing how to respond to such foolish statement but of course I didn't say yes. Sure, let's pretend Allah didn't see that. Let's pretend I'm not gonna be apart of this circle of sinning. Pish Posh!! I'm gonna take action that's what I'm gonna do! Dare you make such a stoopid, reckless, perverted decision! Sure I rock, I headbang to metalcore, I skip a few classes, but what makes her think I'm OKAY with this sort of attitude. Haktuih! She of all people should know.

I came home early today for a reason and I doubt it ends at witnessing only.

Astaghfurullahalazim...Ya Allah, protect me from what is to come.

No I'm not gonna stab anybody in the back tonight, no worries.

Moral of the story: A good decent background proves nothing, higher chances of surviving maybe, but it's all up to an individual's iman after all.

Later be the days...

A Fortnight of Agony

Brook,

First it was Vypress.

After finally getting out to hunt for a new guitar, Vader, I got back to my apartment and found that meg@3on [my laptop] was whacked up. I couldn't enter Windows at all. So much for my advice to Enda [my aunt], "look for positive comments before downloading a torrent file". All this time I've been lucky in optimizing my absolute freedom until that virus finally pinned me down. I had to reformat the whole thing. After 2 years, meg@3on had never gone through one and so, sad I was to put him into a stranger's hand for 4 days. I know I could have done it myself but I don't know how to and I might just postpone the whole thing since I am a student. And aren't we all procrastinators? [Ib: "Yes, we are!"]

my Vader

After getting the newly revived meg@3on, I spent a whole day personalizing him back to the way he was. Re-installing, re-customizing and all but he's just not the same as before.

meg@3on...what was

One issue is that he's got this black bar on the right side of his screen which I can't get rid of [a battle scar?]. The screen resolution for 1024x768 is no longer available [no idea why]. Then some features on his keyboard is no longer working. Nothing is the same after you bring it back from the dead. So much so, I'm now gonna call him Glamdring [if you're a LOTR fan you'll know what that is] or something else. Shadowfax [LOTR again] sounds nice too. Okay then, sh@dowfaX it is!

sh@dowfaX

Well, it does look better when I think about it. It looks more clean, organized and mature. If you look up Shadowfax, you'll see how it fits. I added some cool applications, Stardock stuff [Objectdock Plus and Fences]. I had Objectdock before in meg@3on but the free version. Trying to illegally obtain a free Objectdock Plus was what led to his death. Woops. I found a clean pirated version of it now but it's not as good. Some things just sound or look too good to be true. I even took the background pic myself, Cherating beach.

The very next day, guess what else decided to give me a breakdown. meg@pOd [my iPod] !! Can you believe it?! Just after the 1 year warranty ended. DaMnatioN!!

It's actually quite common for an iPod to go haywire after 2 days or even a few hours. Sounds scary, I know and I am one of the lucky one's where my iPod lasted a whole year without getting corrupted.

Well, 2 nights away from a mini test, I just couldn't get my head together to study that night. I was really devastated! I was frustrated when I found out Vypress was no longer fixable, depressed when meg@3on had an MI, but meg@pOd breaking down was worser than the two combined. I love that piece of crap! Not to mention all my 80G of precious music [nearly 4000 songs] and movies [well over 30G] wiped clean just as fast as saying the F word.

All I could do that night was search the net for answers in fixing meg@pOd. None of them worked. I even tried knocking and dropping it [seriously, it worked for some]. There's one more thing to try out, hopefully it'll work. My last resort would be to send it for repair.

Well, mini test is over and I found a song to play for my performance on 10th April. It turns out that I'm not buying my friend's red Ibanez. I'm quite happy with Vader for now. Things are looking up. Aaaaaaahh, the cool breeze of the night air. I'm going to bed early tonight.

Later days...

Very Much Un-Ace-Like

Going home no longer excites me.
wtf? I know.

I don't know what's really going on. It just seems I'm better off staying alone at Plaza Rah [my apartment/college]. Better off for my emotions & peace of mind. Everytime I come home feeling happier than ever, something or somebody just has to come up and piss me off. I don't literally blow up like I usually do years back but I'm trying to keep all that anger in because it's not gonna do any good. I'm hiding in my room right now.

After my mid semester holi, I'm going to make myself stay at college. Be prepared for my finals. I was happy today after finding out I passed all the subjects for my previous exams. I guess it means nothing now.


Damn...I feel so sad right now. The fact that I can't be happy where I thought I belonged is upsetting me. I'm sure you'd feel the same if it happened to you too.

But then again, all this could be circumstantial. It's a Friday, everyone's tired, the house is in a mess, and I'm having my PMS. Maybe a prayer & a nap would wear it off. InsyAllah.

Laters...

HandShake

For the past few days, I've been in and out of my blog thinking of what to write next. After the previous post, I thought it'd only be fair for me to lay low for a while. Fair for both the writer & the readers [whoever you are], since we all have things to be done. But then again, one thing keeps bugging me and I can't seem to get it off my mind.

A few weeks ago I met a few ladies, strangers you might say, who are acquaintances to some people I know, dearly. Of course we didn't talk much, I was quiet nearly all of the time because they were plural and I was singular. And later as they were departing, we shook hands, a common custom in our community, a gesture which simbolizes polite manner & respect. So if one decides not to show politeness or respect then please forget about doing so because you're only making a fool of yourself.

So, let's talk about handshakes!


Shaking hands is a relic of our ancient past. It is usually performed both on initial greeting & on departure. Of course in some other countries they bow, touch noses, or even hug. We Malaysians shake and if you're a woman you'll hug those that are 'close' to you. Most men just shake to avoid over-contact from disturbing their ego...ehem. In the Malaysian community it is considered impolite not to shake, I know this for a fact because when I was little I was always scolded for avoiding hand shakes. I was shy, I think.

Even so, muslims avoid shaking hands with the opposite sex because touch can be a powerful tool. But in this modern world, as our country becomes more Americanised, people tend to pay more attention to what the whites do than what our God tells us to do. So the men freely hand out shakes to us females [this happens the other way around more often], and though it would also be wrong to leave it hanging because it's wrong to embaress them, why should I care. Serve them right to be embaressed. You know you shouldn'tve held it out, so you should know better. A-holes!

Anyway, like I said earlier, if you're not gonna do it properly then don't do it at all. You'll end up looking like a homo or a bitch. Sorry, I mean you'll end up offending the person you're shaking hands with. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out, it's human nature. Unknown to ourselves, body language play a big part in communication, a bigger part than verbal communication. Facial expressions are the best indication to honesty, other than looking behind to see if anybody's stabbing your back.

How To Shake Hands Appropriately...Unless If You're A Villain, Please Wait For Next Week's Post:

1. Look at the person you're greeting.
Eye contact is optional, I mean some people may feel a little intimidated by the other but at least be face to face. You can look at their teeth or nose or forehead instead. This shows affection & sincerity. It's saying, "I am greeting you". If we don't do this, then I of all people would be very confused, "you're touching my hand but I don't know what it means, is this an assault?". In our community, according to my observations, most elderlies wouldn't do this. It may be ego, I'm not sure but what's the point of teaching us respect when they're not showing us any.

2. Smile.
For goodness sakes, please smile. That's the whole point of greeting somebody, making them feel welcomed or accepted. How can you do that without smiling? Okay, so she stole your boyfriend or she murdered your dad, what the hell are you doing shaking their hands for? You don't have to overdo it, just a simple smirk would sometimes do, for me at least. I'd know you're trying.

3. Grab the whole hand.
Please avoid this if the other party has some disease or open wound on their hands but other than that don't just go for the tip of the fingers, that's utterly pathetic. This is very disrespectful. I'd be thinking to myself, "Am I that disgusting? I think your personality is much worse". Other than that, there's this thing that we Malaysians regularly use to show politeness, the 'Double-hander'. Like in the photo below, my Granny is pulling a double-hander towards my Grandy. In the political world, the double-hander is used to counter the 'upper hand' position which is the dominant position and is simply saying, I'm empowering you.


4. The right amount of pressure.
This is tricky since it's different for everybody. Don't squeeze the life out of their hands and at the same time don't just slide the hand without pressurizing. How much pressure you apply corresponds to how powerful or dominant you are towards the other party. So, not squeezing at all would mean you're weak and the other party may feel they can overpower you easily. In politics, this plays a big role and in employment, make sure you don't squeeze harder than your potential employer during first impressions.

5. The right length of time.
In most countries it's usually 5-7 pumps, in certain others such as Germany 2-3 pumps. A pump is that up & down movement of a hand shake. In Malaysia it's occasionally just 1 pump followed by the submissive or younger party bowing to kiss the upper hand or touching it to their forehead. Sometimes I just bow when I'm confused of the power level but still want to be polite.The hands leave the shake and touches their own chests. I don't really know what this means but I think it has something to do with being modest.


That's most of it. It's meant to be quick unless you really like their gripping hands.

There's a lot more to handshakes than we think. But until next time...

Later days...

So it begins...

A chapter full of hate and denial...

hurt by fantasmica

Last week, the turmoil that complicated my last year's life made a comeback. I thought it was the monthly feme-zilla syndrome but today I felt it again. In the morning's class as she lectured away, I felt that deep tug in my gut and I heard myself saying, "I don't want to be like her, I don't want to be like them all". I felt so disgusted I wanted to get out but that wouldn't stop the sickness inside.

What can I do?

I look back in time when I was in the Dragon Lady's lair, confronting the war inside me. She gave me the choices of which she would choose. Choices that were impossible for me simply because I'm her complete opposite. She advised me to analyze the disturbance within and get to the root of the problem. I have come up with too many good reasons to be called as the main excuse even before those words were said.

My choice was to either disappoint my family or disappoint myself. I can't loose my family because in no others do I trust and with that I would die. So I'll sacrifice myself and try to be happy. Mask the hate that fuels my veins. I thought it would work but clearly the cover is wearing thin and I fear they would notice soon. Honestly I have been putting in a lot of effort trying to make this chance a better deal for me. I guess the fact remains that this is not what I am constructed for. Something is not aligned in my life right now or else I wouldn't hate as much.

What is my function in this world? Where am I supposed to be? Where is my calling? Or is this all just me being delusional? Not able to separate fantasy from reality. Denying reality.

If I had talent, I'd know. If I had money, I'd go. If I had passion, I'd follow.

My passion, music and writing. But that's as far as I can think for myself, the rest of this consciousness is holding me back. Fear is pinning me down like a dog on it's leash. Fear that loved ones would not approve. I look around and hear stories of people in the same situation but making it out alive and graduating succesfully. I can't seem to do that because my mind has fully rejected the idea and I can't proceed.

I see them walk around in white coats, converse in a professional manner, express their passion of the industry, and my mind is just screaming for me to get out. Is it not supposed to end in peace? Like any other war fought on this deteriorating chunk of molten rock, no. Blood will be spilt and lives will be lost. The question is who's?

Later days.

ps: True story but I'm not really that lost or hurt. This is the super exaggerated version. I'm just getting into mood of writing new songs. Hahahaha!! Gotcha!

Dear Diabolic Dean...

Brook!
I know I promised not to mention any stories from my side of life as a student in the dent fac but today's incident is kind of necessary. It's nothing big but I'll be honest in stating my opinions of it so, colleagues beware!

the face says it all

As usual on Friday mornings, lectures on Oral Surgery. Today was the dean's turn [he's not really diabolic, I just liked the way it sounded] and he LOVE's asking questions. Testing us if we actually understand what we were being taught or at least the meaning of commonly used words. Yes, very normal and very relevant but the way he does it, to me it's disgusting. And many other students have that sense of negativity towards him too but maybe in other ways.

So I entered the classroom and as the other studs were filling in, I recognized a pattern, the same thing happened when I was with their seniors last year. They left the front 4 rows empty and crowded at the back. No offense but WHAT THE HELL??!! That's absurd! I know they didn't want to be the victim of his frequent bombardment of stomach-quenching questions but how in the hell would stepping back 4 rows was going to help them escape? As I said, fucking absurd! Other than that, it was fucking rude! I just couldn't grab the rationale of doing such a thing. We're practically adults but we still make choices like we did back in pre-school years. And I thought I was the one being left behind in maturing.

They preach unity [not all but I know a few] but here is where they subconsciously reveal their selfishness. When you're faced with a problem, you have 2 main choices: Get through it or run from it. If you choose the previous, then there's 2 other choice: Face it headstrong or by sucking up to it. I think they chose neither and was simply being obnoxious. What should've been done was to join up forces and strike. Today, I tried to make them [the juniors] sit in the front rows with me, like I did last year, but it's hard when you're the only one believing in something. The majority thinking always wins but they're not always right and I am never going to succumb to the saying, 'If you can't beat them, join them'. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I feel relieved leaving them. But today I found myself trapped in dejavu, here it goes again [does the OkGo treadmill dance].

Other than that, back to the lecture, a few people did eventually sit next to me but only after the dean enquired of their actions. Then he started with the questions, finally leading to "what is the meaning of pain?" While he asked a few people I formulated my own answer on a piece of paper. In the end he came to me with the same question and I answered, "the sensation inflicted by any hurting factor." He quickly pulled the mic and said, "bla3, I couldn't even understand what you just said." And goes off to ask other studs. They laughed at the scene. Okay fine, so maybe I mumbled a bit but he didn't even give me a chance to clearly restate it. If he did hear my answer he certainly didn't want the others to hear it from me. If he didn't hear it then obviously he's already full of himself by assuming nobody can answer his simple question. When nobody could provide a satisfying answer he finally said, "Pain is the sensation when your are hurt in mind or body." ...
Not to boast but my answer was the closest anybody could get. It practically means the same thing except for the mind and body part or as I would put it, emotionally and physically. You know where I'm going with this. I don't think he wants anyone to correctly answer him, because then he wouldn't be able to lavish in the glory of being the only one right or the only one with a thought. Now, how are we supposed to look up to a prick like that?

Well, I hope that's the last of it. Sorry for the harsh language and sorry to those who were offended in the process of me making my point. I apologize but I have to stick to my principles of being honest. The truth hurts and that's the truth.

Later days...

zombie mist

To start off, just imagine I cursed a whole 5 rowed-paragraph.

A week of holiday in the village was awesome and I had a super trippadacious [I rightfully claim that word as mine] load of fun with the cousins and the rest of the family members. The details of the family day won't be up for grabs since I don't think anyone really cares unless they're a family member. In this case, either my bro Syam [in England], who I think has too big an ego to read my blog; or my cuz Nuha [in New Zealand], who has read at least 1 post. The rest of the family attended. Imagine having 13 married couples and 43 of us cousins in one house. It's a big house but apparently not big enough.

BBQing while grandpa tells his tale...inside. This is outside. Picture taken from rooftop.

The good thing was that we didn't have to do the performance I was all wrecked up about. I didn't finish the script, we didn't have time to translate the whole thing to malay [I think and write mostly in english...geng Amar], had no time for rehearsals, and amazingly...no time for any performance! Instead, my grandpa gave a very long speech about his past, it was like attending a history lecture...zzzzZZ. Don't get me wrong! It was neatly said and very flourished but my attention span is really short unless he directly talks to me, and it was a crowd there! The speech took some time and I even had to cancel the last game or competition, the one I was really looking forward to, 'Lip Sync'. I announced the winner, gave out prizes, chilled with the boys and went to sleep at 3am.

The reason I swore a whole imaginary paragraph on top was because that the holiday in Kelantan just made a mess of me after coming back to Bangi. I came back on Wednesday which means I was still in school holidays and the daycare was still out. To simplify, I had nothing to do and whatever I had aligned before this whole family day planning got to my head was all blown away. So a zombie, I became for 4 days. I even adapted the wise owl's sleeping schedule. Now there's a lesson, if you want to be wise, please don't listen to an owl. It's a bird and it hoots. Of course I hoot too sometimes but mice aren't my delicacy. I lost my momentum. Even in writing, I just get too lazy to go grab pen and paper when a new idea pops up. They'll come back.

Hoping to accelerate back to previous level!!

I'm too sleepy to continue. Of course when I say or write that I simply mean I'm bored now and I want to do something else like singing, watch a movie, youtubing or admire rock bands.

Later days...

Family Day Preps...

Masterminding may lead to world domination...beware!

Yaay! Family Day is coming up. I'd love to say that I can't wait for it to come but because I'm the one in charge of all the games and performances, I'm wishing for another week. The games are well in order [hopefully], and I got the green light from my mom who's in charge of everything else. I've distributed some power and freedom to the other cousins so that it'll run smoothly. Props are mostly recycled stuff, don't wanna be wasting money too much. Improvise with the abundant garbage around us.

The problem that keeps knocking in my head is the night's performance!! My brother and I are planning to do something like Demetri Martin's 'The Land Where My Jokes Come From'...but instead of all that funny nonsense, I'm touching reality and dedicate it to my family. If only I'd get some inspiration to finish the half-completed script. So it's either that or perhaps an adaptation of 'Aci Aci Bukak Pintu'. Either way, I only have untill Saturday morning to gather the cousins to rehearse. NERVE-WRECKING...there's a lot of 'what if's going on in my head right now.

Well, I'll be having my 8 hour journey to Kelantan (where the Family Day will take place) tomorrow morning at 4am. Hopefully I'll be able to wake up on time. YOSH!!

May luck be on our side...especially mine!

Later days...