Losing it

I'm losing excitement day by day. Waking up with nothing but an entangled mess of frustrating mist heaving my spirit out of life and submerged under a thick layer of grime. The only person that's keeping me going is my younger brother, since he's also in his holidays [school], I try to find day to day enjoyment by playing video games with him.
Astro keeps showing reruns and I'm not just talking about the movie channels,
I can't read because it'll put me to sleep,
I can't make videos because I ran out of materials...well I have a few to work on but I'm experimenting on a different software so it'll take time to complete...
I'm pausing my song-making effort because I don't want to rush and miss out

Nearly everything is putting me down lately and going to bed early is still hard for me. It's about that time for me to do what I do best, keep my mind busy by making up movies in my head, a realm for where my advanced self image shines best. Sometimes I feel like I'm saving myself from this world to live in another. I know it sounds absurd and unrealistic but the feeling of self belonging keeps escaping my flail, reluctant grasp. I am enraged when people don't understand me but at the same time also enraged when they're spot on. I have yet pondered the answers to why. I have a personality that is destructive in nature thus, I am better alone. I even find myself revolted by the idea of marriage, nowadays.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm choosing to be this way...no wait, in a way I am but that's too complicated to explain. But trust me, I am looking for a way to get out because my future looks bleak. It's just that with the state of affairs and the way that I am, my very existent is rebelling with every threat that comes to change me. I tend to develop a radical idea way too negative of a suggestion made for me to change.

Someone once asked me, "Are you looking for something?". I was hanging out with 4 of my high school seniors at a cafe after silat practice around 7 years ago. 3 of them were guys and while the rest were discussing school politics, one of the guys stared into my eyes and suddenly put a curious face on. He asked the above and I was struck down awkward but with a clueless mind answered him, "No, I don't think so." I was 16 at that time and he was scaring the hell out of me. He continued saying, "You look like you're searching for something. [awkward pause] You are. [awkward pause] You will. When you are, don't stop looking." I said "Okay?" and whispered to my female senior the signal to leave. I never actually told anyone about this since I never took it seriously. It is after all very random, but the way he stared into me...creepy it was.

We're all looking for something in this life, be it peace, happiness, or financial overdose. Sometimes we're not even sure what we're supposed to be looking for and that is what we're looking for in the time being. The journey is way too long to be written as a RM85 600 paged thick hardback novel, re-enacted in a 3 hour limiting biographical motion picture, recited as an hour long orchestral symphony but when it's time to die, we almost wish we did more.

I'd rather you hate me for what I am than loving me for what I can't become...

Later be thy days..

Conflicted

Conflict: When there are two opposing pictures in your quality world at the same time.

The more you move in the direction of one, the more you frustrate the other.



What to do?

"If it's at all possible, when you don't know what to do, do nothing in either direction."

What makes a conflict so severe is that there is no immediate solution. If you manage to do the above, it may not solve the conflict but at least, you won't make things worse.

In the end, time will move the conflict in one direction or the other, and the decision will become less painful.

But there are many times you can't wait, if you don't decide, one of the pictures may be lost forever. In that case, DAMN!

Later days...

Something Stupid...by far

A quarrel took place by mistake, an unfortunate event indeed. Somehow I feel it was my fault. It happened between my friend & an acquaintance. I instinctively sided the acquaintance and now I don't know where I stand in my friendship with the other. Dolefully, I don't know how to make things right between them. Between us. I can bearly wrap my head around what actually happened that day.

I think it was I that damaged both parties. If I could have just kept my mouth shut, at least for a few more days, it wouldn't have been blown out of proportions like it already has. If I had a better memory, if I predicted their reactions, if I didn't eat out that day, this wouldn't have happened. And it also wouldn't have happened if I wasn't trying to be a good friend, a hero. The same rules apply, either solve the problem and get more love or screw the deal and become the scapegoat.


Human relations hurt. No shit. It hurts because humans as the subject of a situation is hard to put. We are mostly predictable but personality makes us unpredictable at the same time. The differing levels of our 5 basic needs [survival, power, freedom, love & belonging, fun & learning] gives us our diverse list of total behaviours. If I only assessed their basic needs earlier, I could've familiarized their personalities and by doing so, I could've predicted their reactions. It would be quite natural of me to doubt my acquaintance but then again I guess I never really knew my friend as well.

Now I remember. My excuse for social withdrawal last year was "I am not a good friend, so I should avoid them to save them from myself". Partly true, I guess.

One thing is for sure, wherever you are and whatever you are doing in life, don't think you own your loved ones. Once you do you'd feel obligated to make them change into what you think is right, the way you want them to. You can only tell, but never force. If you love them enough and you care to show them that you do, they will eventually change if they feel your love and that the change is beneficial to the relationship. But if they don't then you should only change what lies within. Either change what you want, or what you're doing, or both. If you do nothing you'll suffer and forcing them would be disastrous.

I said once before that there are right ways of being selfish. We can't afford being selfish materialistically in a society but we can be selfish for ourselves. Love someone for what they are and if you're not content with something, change yourselves. Let you be the one to improve. Let you be the peacemaker.

Human relation is an art and it is the oldest & hardest to master. That is why we are happiest with our soulmates because they are like twins to our own personalities and we don't have to try hard to relate to them. They are easy to be with. This, to me, is a form of selfishness which is everything that I am.

It has been an emotionally reviving episode for me. I still don't know what I'm going do with that quarrel which might have been accidentally, inadvertently caused by me. I'd like to hope for the best but seeing how our 'discussion' ended that day, I better prepare for the worst.

Wishing me luck won't do good. Please pray for us instead. Thanks a mill.

Later days...

Truth-Blind

"Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value"

It's not that success isn't a good thing, it is. But it isn't a good word. Success comes in a package of many kinds but unfortunately many souls on this Earth tends to see success as living luxuriously glorified by status symbols. I'm not saying that is wrong either but money can be a route to all evil - don't take it literally and burn all your belongings. It is greed that blinds us and makes everything go utterly wrong.

There are many forms of success. The one I see is me being able to finally grab control of my own thoughts & actions, breaking free from the ancient universal psychology while living my ultimate purpose. Money isn't much to my taste. As long as I can keep my health, loved ones & source of knowledge, I'll do just fine. I'm not trying to say I'm a saint, nay! I came across this behaviour by wanting a goal that's different from everyone else. I was chasing diversity much too obsessively. And from my way of seeing my ultimate success, you can tell how selfish & self obsessed I actually am. To me, the most humble goal is being able to help others change for the better. Hopefully we will all come to this when we're done helping ourselves.

Okay back to the saying above, success is a bad word because it focuses on the destination. What we really want to focus on is the journey leading to the destination. Not only that we'd learn better but we'd also be much happier thinking in the present. And isn't that all that we want, happiness.



The tragedy of a journey is when blindness grab holds and we lose ourselves. There's a lot of manipulative agents & enticing temptations out there. Many may appear innocent at first but later reveals it's fierce iron claw. This blindness may either make us lose sight of the destination once & for all, or make us lose our loved ones, or even self-destruct. Being too preoccupied with the future may also lead to blindness. The only cure to blindness, as I have experienced, is staying close to our religion. Staying close to God. Our Maker, Our Owner.

Forget X-Files' saying, "The truth is out there". The truth is within ourselves. That's why the search is never ending, we've been looking in all the wrong places! And again, what are we searching for? Happiness. A tip that might help this search, stay close to happy people, take in their positive energy and bloom. As much as I like being alone I have to admit, functional relationships are what makes me happy.

"To achieve & maintain the relationships we have to stop choosing to coerce, force, compel, punish, reward, manipulate, boss, motivate, criticize, blame, complain, nag, badger, rank, rate, and withdraw. We must replace these destructive behaviours with choosing to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem." - Willian Glasser, M.D., Choice Theory.

I think the difference between becoming a person of success and a person of value is the effort involved. One less than the other, value. Live and let live, age gracefully. Don't try too hard to grow up ahead of others. No rush. Take in the air and experience the life around you. A word to myself as well.

Good Luck out there, it's a dangerous world.

Later be the days...

The Edd Identity & Ultimatum

Dear Brook [who I recently retrieved],

Last year I nearly lost my sanity from the shock of realizing how blind I was towards the possibilities of me leading my OWN life. Chances had been flashing themselves tirelessly but I shunned them down because I felt so sure that the path I was on was the best path. As I saw it then, it was grand, it would lead me to a luxurious life for eternity, and it would make my parents proud. The best luck anyone could have. But it's not the right path, at least it isn't for me. It never had been and it never will be. I'm sorry if I have been feeding off somebody else's luck but I thought it had my name on it. And being someone who has a very common name in this community, I should've anticipated it.

[Relax, this is not a post about me whining my regrets off for sympathy. I wouldn't call it an epiphany either since I've been formulating this concept for quite some time. Let's just say I'm recapping and re-evaluating my current psychological status.]

I'd like to blame the world for this mistake but it was the world that made me realize this whole thing. So I thought a little closer to home, me. It was my own fault, I was too much of a coward to rise up, I was too lazy to push out, and I thought too little of myself and life itself. I have no right to blame it over my family the way I had over these years. My parents had no other reason but to give me the best they could for my success in life the way they know & feel what success is. They had no idea I would encounter this boulder in life, they had no idea I would take this turning point and blow it out of proportions just so I can get down to the details of each mind-boggling thought.

What the hell is so mind-boggling to you, oh bewildering Edd??!!

I call it the ultimate purpose in life. I know it's no petty nonsense whispered to me by some devilish being because:

> I found who I am today by dwelling on that question for the past year.
>> I am 10 times happier and comfortable with myself today than I had ever been since ever.
>>> I stopped lying to myself to make things appear okay.
>>>> I recently found a book that kind of agrees with my concept. They call it 'the core motive'. It's a little different from mine but there are similarities. My concept is a little too extreme but it works for me.

So obviously I'm not the only one who feels it. Which primarily means that it's a gut-feeling that may erupt in whoever seeks it. You can trust your gut-feeling because we are born innocent and our insides are the only matter that won't be tainted by this world full of influences. If you are still unsure, pray to the higher power [the Almighty] for guidance. He will help you.

Anyway, I sound like I'm promoting one of those self-motivate books. Now you know what I've been reading. :P

I basically started asking myself [this happened a few year ago], "Why am I not happy?"
I had all the basics that a human being needs to lead a fulfilling life. I was well equipped financially, spiritually [insyAllah], socially [just about enough], a close-knit family, and I was on a full scholarship to get a degree in dentistry. I couldn't quite point out the cause of that hurt.


And then I realized how this whole course is really boring me. Not like yawn-boring but like I-can't-breathe-anymore-boring. I know mind over matter works but what the hell?! I'm no robot, I can't program myself to love something my guts hate.

That's when everything spun out of control. Everyday, all that went through my head was, "What the fcuk?!" over and over again. And then I said it, "I don't belong here, it's not what I'm made for". It took me a while to get the strength to say it out loud. I was flabbergasted, I was furious, it was all too ugly to swallow. I was overwhelmed with regret.


Then came the 2-year period of chronic depression where I did nothing to overcome the whole ordeal of realizing the many years I have wasted to prepare myself for something I decided not to do. I was angry nearly all of the time, I lost my sense of purpose, and all I did was just float along hoping the frustration would wear off just so I can please a few people who cared. 'Surprisingly', it didn't wear off.

I managed to pass my 2nd year by floating along. Unfortunately in my 3rd year, I fell into the bottomless pit after 2007's raya celebration. You know that 'calmness' before the storm? That raya holiday with my wonderful cousins was the calmness. I had so much fun, I missed how happy I could be when I'm not doing what I was doing. I missed being happy. The storm came when I realized that all those time when I was trying to be happy floating along, it never happened.

Eventually, the flood dried up and I was no longer floating. I was lagging, deliberately. I kept myself busy by looking for my real self. I neglected studies, I skipped classes, I ignored the world. I was being selfish. Believe me there are the right ways of being selfish and this wasn't it. But however wrong I have been, I didn't regret taking this turn because I learnt much more about myself than I ever would if I took this feeling just for another hiccup in life.


I locked myself in. It was kind of a self experiment other than being a withdrawal from the society. I wanted to know how much of myself had been influenced by the outside world. Then the concept of my ultimate purpose came to be. I wanted to know what I was actually engineered for in this life, what kind of carreer would be fitting? Could it be that only then I would be happy? After ridding off what wasn't me, I was left very dried up, miserable from the emptiness. All these years I failed to grow up. All I did was grow old, serving as a waste basket, eating up what everybody else was eating, doing what they did, no questions asked. Wasted.

All it did for me then was turn me into a ball of emotional rage. Simply said, emo! The thoughts of taking my own life invaded my sanity. The only thing that kept me from doing so, my religion and my family. May I remind everyone that nobody knew what was going on, even though I did express my hatred of the course to my ex-classmates and once to my mom, they had no idea of the depth.

Just 2 months from the final examinations, finally, somebody noticed I was troubled and decided to take action. She talked to me. Though it didn't help much at that time, one day I really want her to know that she inspired me to become a better person. I ended up telling my family what was going on and like any other, they worried. The actual reason why I kept it from them, the fear of hurting your loved ones. But it had to be done.

Consequently from all those days of searching for my soul, I lost points in attendance and thus was barred from the finals. I must admit, I was asking for it, literally. All the pressure from too many people trying to get me up back on my feet was making me feel claustrophobic. After I found out I was barred, I smiled. I was relieved. I wouldn't be able to pass anyway, trust me. So I'm behind a year, so what! There's a reason for everything.

And so during my year end break, I exhorted myself in doing a lot of activities.
> I was on a road to self improvement, or better yet I was re-building certain features of myself and took a break from looking for my ultimate purpose.
>> I read books of psychological theories and listened to a few of my idol's life story and decided that I shouldn't just follow blindly but take into consideration of how it could affect me the way I want it to.
>>> I understood the meaning of being an individual and decided to turn myself into one.
>>>> I started this blog the day after I found out I was barred [thanks to Ib].

And though, yes, I am still in this course and not where I think I belong but as I said before, there's a reason for everything. I still hate what I'm doing but I can deal with hate & anger much better than before. I recover to happiness quicker than before. It's better to be here doing this while I'm wandering for my soul instead of being nowhere doing nothing & end up empty handed. Life is all about looking for answers anyways.

I have formulated that my ultimate purpose isn't a single item or goal because life is a journey through time, not a spot. Whatever or wherever I am from now on, if I live by my principles, I will gradually be living my purpose. One of the principles is to follow my bliss, which for now is writing, psychology, and music. Another principle is to be moderate but thorough at the same time, just in case I get a little over-excited.


It might not seem like anything to you but to me it was a rock-climb. I know it will get steeper from now on but it would be fun to discover more of myself from now on.

Dear God,
Let me be more than what I am today. I ask you for wealth but not of money, fame, & status but of happiness, knowledge, & clarity. Thank you.

I am happier.
I will be more.

Later days...

Quest for personalities....

Other than being a Youtube freak, I'm also addicted to analyzing characters or personalities in people. Movies are awesome for this. Some are good ones, others just don't fit. Though I have my own personalities that I have developed along the years of living on in this society. The personalities that lies within. Some has extinct, others continue to be part of me. I'll go in sequence of who came to be first.

1. BANZAI [1999-present]
- initially created for a friend's comic piece
- inspired by Dragon Ball Z's Videl, daughter of Mr.Satan
- she is when I'm angered and full of destructive hatred
- I used to draw sketches of her all the time back then but I can't find any now
- she's a rebel without a cause, bullies weak people, but she's a fighter
- music: hardcore, grindcore metal, black metal
- colour: black, red


2. LILY [2000-2005]
- inspired by the character Elle Woods from Legally Blond but Lily's much more sensible
- I don't have a specific image of her since she was only created in my head
- she used to come out at night during my pre-bedtime-gossiping sessions with my younger sis
- she's extinct since I no longer have these sessions anymore
- she's wacky, girly, clumsy, clueless, and sometimes easily heart broken or emotionally weak
- constantly victimized by Banzai's verbal abuse but at times they're best friends
- music: Enya, Sigur Ros, Arcade Fire, Pomplamoose, Feist, My Brightest Diamond
- colour: peach

3. EDWINA [2002-hiatus]
- I personally named this character because I find her as my neutral between the 2 above
- I basically picture her as myself in office clothing: long sleeved shirts and black slacks
- she is when I'm handed tasks or assignments, the responsible me. So obviously she's been on a long break since 2006, but comes and goes once in a while. She knows when I need her
- she's friendly, very matured, open minded, solves quarrels like a pro (especially between the 2 above), strong willed, confident, she gets bad moods but she won't go wild like Banzai
- music: hans zimmer movie scores, Maksim, Strings Quartet, Sarah Brightman
- colour: silver and purple

4. THE DUDE [2007-present]
- inspired by my desires of wanting to get a 'high'
- if you've seen Pineapple Express, 'it's' like Saul Silver. I use 'it' because The Dude is an idea of a person and has no distinctive gender stuck to it but generally always 'high'
- when I am The Dude, you'll see me laughing senselessly, being silly, singing and dancing, can't focus more than a minute or at all
- it usually consumes me when I'm in no mood to do anything at all, usually when I'm highly stressed out
- music: doom metal, stoner metal - Mastodon, High on Fire, Celtic Frost
- orange


5. EVE [2008-present]
- inspired by my latest rock hero, Myles Kennedy, who is truly inspirational
- I have no specific image for it since she's basically me or what I'm trying to become now
- she is when I'm in my rock mood, calm, and very open
- she's open minded, terribly friendly, values her past experiences as a deserving lesson in life, always trying to find new things to experience or listen, awfully humble, treasures loved ones and friends
- music: Iron Maiden, Helloween, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Alter Bridge, Oasis, Travis, Muse, Radiohead, HURT, Sevendust
- colour: evergreen

6. AXEL ROZZ [2008-present]
- inspired by the character Neo from Matrix but unlike Neo, she's an anti-hero
- just picture me in Neo's outfit...without the shades
- she is when I'm being 'poyo' and selfish but poised at the same time
- she's very disciplined, a perfectionist, thinks for herself, never a leader but a right hand person. For more info, read my previous post 'Villainous I Am' from May. The more I think about it, maybe this is an older version of Banzai...hmph..
- music: death metal - Soilwork, Arch Enemy, In Flames, Carcass, Scar Symmetry
- colour: black

I am never just ONE. Much of the time it's 2 in 1. When I'm in solitary confinement sometimes they all keep me company. Making a decision would also require all their consent. Self-dialogue is fun no matter what others think. So you see, what I'm trying to point out here is that we all have our 'extremes', but I exaggerate to the point of naming each one and even giving them backgrounds. It's not a disorder, it's not multiple personality, it's a hobby.

So believe me when I say that my life is a movie.

That's pretty much it for now. We're all pretty beat from all the headbanging while trying to complete this post. Banzai and Axel are currently in a duo mosh pit right now...

Later days...

To be more than A person...

I guess I can assume that everybody generally knows what the condition 'multiple personality' means. But how would it feel to actually experience this mental 'disease'? Can you even tell if you actually are? And can you actually tell each personality from another? Could the 'change' be a temporary alternate ego sort of thing or a permanent 'turn a leaf' kind of thing? Can you even tell?

When you think about it, whoever made such classifications? Multiple personalities. It might not even be a mental disorder like many believes. There are many other explanations but why did we choose to categorize them as 'crazy'? I can't help to think that the world we live in is just too much of a box that we can hardly see our true reflection in the mirror. Of course it is never too late to break free from a pre-determined perspective but it's hard to figure out what to break free from. What should you focus on and what should be overlooked? Will our search ever end or more importantly, would it lead anywhere?

I'm just curious as to where these multiple personality people actually acquire their alternate selves. Through what I have previously read or heard, they are conjured from their unmet desires or a trauma. If that's so, then I think this 'disease' might just be our physiological way of dealing with it. The human mind's reaction to an action. The action in context has to be something that has constantly occupied the mind of the 'sufferer'. When you're craving for something it's bound to pop up in your mind 24/7. The same thing with traumatic events. So I believe these frequent thoughts may leave imprints in their minds, including how the body reacted towards it at that period of time and although later in life the 'sufferer' may think they have moved on, even up to the point of forgetting the desires or trauma, there is a dormant memory of how their whole body's reaction towards them. React by creating either defensive or offensive personalities towards these thought consumations. What makes the body choose one from the other? I think that has something to do with my usual thought of humanity, unstability. We live in a vast environment luxurious of stimulus and the individuality of a human mind just makes it a thousand times harder to pin point the actual cause.

I'm not sure if I can call it self protection but it is all in the mind. I don't know if this is what they are going through but it's just a thought. And not to say that I've been through it before but I think I have a mild example of how I think it works. I love listening to songs and I review different albums nearly every week. As I do this, I go through my every day aquarian changes of feelings, tantrums and behaviour affecting theories. If at one point in time I'm stuck with a particular band and their album of songs, I keep thinking about them nearly 24/7 as I try to study and pray as well. Their songs would be playing in my head day in, day out. And whatever type of attitude I had on at that particular time will be paired with that album. The pair leaves a memory and whenever I hear the stimulus (the songs), the attitude makes a comeback, the feelings return although I have moved on to become a better person or otherwise. I think everyone can relate to this type of event. But in multiple personality people, I guess their desires or fears were so strong that the memory comes back as a whole personality, knocking out the real self.

Hummph, I don't know if anybody who reads this would understand because I'm writing and developing ideas at the same time. If you know me, then you'd know I'm bad at juggling tasks.

Damn that was a hard topic to think of but I'm still not satisfied. I know there are books or websites all around to read from but I'm trying to make my own versions of perspective and think outside the box.

Later be the days...

of past, present, & future

Dear Brook,

Brook, my previous journal. Now used for poems/lyrics storage.

Good day.
First of all, I'm feeling very good these past few days. I feel useful. I'll tell why later. I think this is a good time to jot down a few thoughts or self improvements before I forget them like I usually do.

Past:

Yes, I was a very macho baby...

Something I hate to lose. It's not like I'm holding grudges against my past [or still] enemies or have not yet forgiven myself for tripping over so much. It's just like in our studies, we revise or 'ulangkaji' the notes, I revise my memories of previous events over and over again, enquiring why the hell it happened the way it did and not otherwise: sub-junctions [from 'History Boys']. I am a believer of fate, but even fate has it's chain of events [The String Theory...yet to be read]. And also like in our studies, as we mature, we find some things are now easier to understand, to accept and even answer or respond to.

Unlike the puzzling riddle: "Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?", I personally have a definite answer on this one. The problems arrive first, being very obscure and very complicated, then we learn to deal with it and eventually dig our way out, thus achieving a new level of maturity. A situation I call 'Level Up!'. Our ability to reign over our future predicaments depends on how much we've matured. Different individuals achieve varying intensities which may be reflected by a lot of factors I have yet to ponder. Problem solving might take years on end or it might only take a few days. Depression can be a side effect to a chronic problem solving phase. Psychosomatic diseases may follow in chronic depression [I'm a victim, back pains - can't 'rukuk' properly]

That is why I think, the more you were in trouble in the past, the more successful you may become in the future, depending on those unclassified factors I mentioned. Some of them may include family support, friends, environment, and even diet. Negative influences attract negative results. Always look on the brighter side of life. Okay, sometimes it does feel better to dwell upon the darker side...I myself am a villain...but that transient bliss is fueled by the devil. So make sure you anchor yourself before you enter that kingdom.

My previous self was very cowardly. I may still be. I never really socialized with people out of my age range. I hardly socialized with my own. My life only revolved around my big family. This affected my level of social skills and self confidence . A problem I'm still struggling with to this today. I was a very eruptive child, a very moody one. I even liked to externally abuse my kid sister [pull her hair, slap and pinch her] with no reason. I was like a tiny Hitler! External abuse is seen as a common method of child upbringing in our culture since long ago. Parents do it to their children, the children pick it up early on and practiced among themselves. I don't agree with it now that I've grown out of it and I think it should be prevented. But I'm not against mental torture yet . Hehehe...

Present:

Shadow Puppeteer

The reason why I'm feeling good lately is that I've been helping out a lot more around the house than previously, doing chores, tending the fishes out in our pond and working out. Even my back pain is regressing, a definite sign that I'm healing from the depressing phase I chose to undergo a few months ago. Taking to heart what I've read in one of the many books, I think I even quoted it before in one of my posts. To optimize the use of the present time. Filling every second with something constructive. Getting the experience!

Other than supervising the kids at the day-care [which I'm really enjoying now], I've also decided to build a worm farm. I'm still in the researching and experimenting phase. Nothing is for sure yet. I'm also making myself read a lot. Nothing related to dentistry of course, just anything to my interests, mentalism, psychology, etc. To my surprise, I've taken too much of my time on these activities that I haven't been watching television for 3 days in a row now. At least not a whole program or movie, just a few minutes now and then. I wonder how I'm going to fit in my sword forging plan.

I know it may sound like I've finally found myself, but I'm clueless of what I may become if stress returns into my life. The future.

Future:

The rise of Axel Rozz

I try not to think of where I 'might' end up. Just taking in this glorious present. My time is here and now. I only think of my near future, like the list of things I should experience through out my holiday. Marriage, and riches are out of the question. Career? I keep hoping that it would actually involve my interests. Then I wouldn't have to call it a 'job', it's my passion. A great reason to live a life, but not the only one.

To gradually improve, we can only hope for the best. Planning may help but excessive planning makes you a stalker of your own life. There are easier ways to get what you want. It may involve you stalking the passion instead of your life.

Look, I may be wrong to some or most of you, but this is how I see things through my lense in this present time. I am still in the process of expanding my theories and experiences.

Later days...

"the unexamined life is not worth living, man"

Okay, skip this if you're not interested in psychological theories.

What strikes me the most about Demetri [read previous post] is that he has a great outlook on life. Well yeah with him being a comedian and all but they have ups & downs too..[I'm supposed to recommend a movie here but can't recall the effin title] But being a comedian also gives him the advantage, he analyzes the living for every possible detail just so he can poke fun at it. He mentioned something in 1 of his acts which correlates profoundly to what was written in that book I'm reading, "Choice Theory". It was that [I'll use Demetri's version to uncomplicate things] we have our own personal lense that we use to view the world into and this lense has been shapen by our previous experiences.

I wish I could quote a sentence from the book but I left it somewhere far away. So I'll just write what I remember from my comprehension of it. We all have our own personal 'quality worlds' where in it we store our most cherished people, objects, or experiences. I imagine mine as electrons circulating around & over me. These cherished beings or things can't simply be put into or pulled out of a quality world like pocket change. To gain access they must have at least once in your previous experiences fulfilled 1 or more of your crucial needs: survival, love & belonging, power, freedom, fun & learn. We trust those items to make us feel complete. Now, it is this world that we use to relate to the external world, this is our lense. This is why we percieve very differently from others or even similar if those electrons consist of the same item and vibrate on the same frequency in individuals.

It was a big one for me to swallow bcoz frankly, I'm self-obsessed and I keep wanting to make other people agree with me. I'm still wrapping myself around all this bcoz I got so used to my ancient thinking. There's more to this actually but c'mon already! Shut the F up EDD!

And all that thinking & typing is making me dizzy [not to mention skipping a night's sleep]...I'm going for breakfast with my parents...YEEAAH!! Please feel free to share your thoughts about all this. I'm open to any other...stuff. Laterz.