Don't Judge a Book by It's Ridiculously Beautiful Cover: A Lengthy Review of The Interdimensional Detective by Ten

 Hey Brook,

    Yes, I've moved on from films. I'm not sure why but I don't enjoy them like I used to anymore. I still watch them from time to time, just not as religious as I used to. No more digging for indies and no longer pausing life until it ends. I have better things to do now. I have cats.

    In this post, I will TRY (apologies in advance) to review the book, "The Interdimensional Detective" by Ten, which is the first locally published English novel I've ever read. Since I'm on a mission to write one myself, I figured I'd need to research the types of stories the local crowd prefer. Unfortunately, I'm unsure if Ten is Malaysian. I have to be honest though, I am quite distant from the entertainment industries of my own country. I only spent three and a half years in England as a child but it must've been impactful enough to shape my sense of humour and way of thinking that I preferred British entertainments more than anything. Well, for the longest time, I used to. Ever since the world has waken up to the double standards of the western world regarding the rights to self-determination and international law in general when it comes to the onslaught of the Palestinians, I've mostly moved away from that too. Or maybe even before that. I remember having an epiphany while watching season 4 of the Netflix series "The Crown": My country was colonised by these idiots who care more about their petty etiquette than the livelihood of the people from the different, rich cultures they conquered. [insert crickets]

    Moving on. This book, yes. I chose to read it because of its absolutely beautiful cover and my love for space and science fiction/fantasy. Of course, it was cousin Dhuha, again, who told me about the Bookiut publications. From the title itself, I did wonder and even asked Dhuha if it was anything like Doctor Who, to which she ignored for not being familiar with it. Having lived in England, Dr. Who has become part of my general pop culture knowledge even without watching a single episode. So, after a few chapters in, I was convinced, this is indeed a fanfic (fan fiction).

    Not that it's a bad thing to draw inspirations from other narratives, a lot of great films were inspired by other films. I was initially excited for recognizing the similarities. But there is a line between quality storytelling and a self-gratifying self-insert. A big fat line. Even if I looked beyond the glaringly obvious switcheroos: The Doctor to The Detective; the police box to the porta-potty; the sonic screwdriver to the microwave multi-tool; and the T.A.R.D.I.S. to the V.O.R.S.T., the fact of the matter is that this story lacks heart and purpose. 

    Here is the story, abridged. Ava woke up to her brother, River, missing. She called for help via a number from a dodgy ad for The Detective, an hour after she couldn't find her brother. The Detective arrived, asked a few questions, had some ego-fuelled banter, and off they went to find River, who The Detective was convinced was kidnapped by space slave traders. The two travelled across dimensions in V.O.R.S.T., emerged in the slave trader ship, had a tussle, freed slaves, saved River, had a boss fight, hijacked the ship, then back to Earth. The story is pretty straightforward but is almost impossible to flesh out since it is only a 110 paged short novel, yes, very unfair.

    This is a heavily plot-driven story. We don't get any background to make us care about River, who barely exists in this story, although being the main plot of it, and contributes nothing after he was found. He might as well be replaced by a dog and the story will still be the same. But instead we get pages of technical mumbo jumbo, without any exposition, on how The Detective was saving the ship. The Detective herself has an attitude, great, maybe it's the same ego that got her off The Doctor's T.A.R.D.I.S. in the first place, but it was never highlighted. Ava, I'm guessing, is the self-insert because she's the brave one, the smart one, and the only emotional one. I'm merely guessing for I too have a few self-insert "head films" that none of you will ever hear about except for a selected few. 

    This novel has been labelled as fiction. A certain site has labelled it as young adult fiction, which I embarrassingly missed. So, what is their message to their young readers? There are potentially a few but none were truly emphasized. There was barely any interaction between Ava and River, I couldn't feel the familial bond. Even after they got back, River continued as if nothing happened and Ava got over their separation so quick that she then selfishly disappeared from her brother. No heart, no purpose. The author tries to be funny at times but some totally went over my head. Maybe a Doctor Who reference?

    There is potential here, absolutely there is! Ten's writing reminds me a little of Douglas Adams', just a smidge. Maybe it's just an attempt at British humour. But Ten spelt "colour" as "color", which bugged the heck out of me. That reminds me, the editor has been slacking off! In the final chapter, "We've alive?" [insert facepalm]. And on page 100, there is a line that writes, 'Just as the captain said that, the lights were completely pulled.' The last person to talk was The Detective, a few paragraphs above. Something definitely got deleted.

    The Interdimensional Detective already has a 150 paged sequel that was published earlier this year but it hasn't gotten any reviews on Goodreads yet. I am wondering if they've improved but I'd rather wait for reviews first and not be persuaded by the ridiculously beautiful cover art, again.

Later days.

10 Years Later...

 Hey Brook,

    I apologise (Holding back laughter).

    Before we start this back up again, let me confess that I no longer swear, I'm happy, and I love being me. I did forget the last post as I said I would. I even forgot I started fiction blogs and felt like I was reading a stranger's draft. How terrifying. I teared up reading the ending of the previous post because it was all true. It was a relief that I no longer feel all the rage that was being conveyed. There is an urge to delete that embarassing existential crisis rant but I'd like to remember the dark spots in my timeline in order to appreciate the current existance. What an angry idiot I was but I'm glad I kept this blog.

    2015, I just graduated from UiTM film school then. It wasn't what I expected. Underwhelming to say the least. I guess that was part of the disappointment back then. Of course, now that I've found my way back here again, I will be rereading all the past posts because, yes, I like the sound of my own...writing? (whatever works) The reason I've come back to blogging is because cousin Dhuha has inspired me to start noveling (instead of screenwriting). But since I haven't been writing for quite some time, I figure I need a little warm up. I might even continue the fictional blog, "Filling the Void". But I'd have to change the story since it was started in 2009, prior the dental exit, and I have no memory whatsoever of any "head films" about it. Let's call it that from now on, head films. The films I've mentally constructed for my daydreaming pleasure. I'm pretty sure it's maladaptive daydreaming.

cousin Dhuha & I

    But I digress, here are highlights since I stoppped writing (the ones I haven't forgotten). I began managing Mama's transit business around the time I wrote the previous post, reluctantly at first but am now really grateful for it. The same year, I traveled to Seoul, South Korea with cousin Hannan and my earliest friend, Ayunni, serving as our tour guide. A few months later, I went to Tokyo, Japan, alone. Well, I flew alone but stayed at my brother, Syam's apartment when he was still working there. I accomplished 10 pull ups on Eid in 2018 after training for nearly a year for it, the year that I peaked in physical fitness. I still miss the 2020 Covid lockdowns, which was a blessing because I had a paradigm shift the week prior. Being in seclusion with the Quran was very much needed. I also learned to bake bread during the same time and contradictingly to my religious awakening, dove into the world of anime, albeit cautiously. Papa had a stroke in Ramadan 1443H/2022, a few months before I went for hajj with Aisyah and Faris. There has been an ongoing massacre in Palestine since the end of 2023, may Allah relieve them of their suffering. A year later in October, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have just completed my treatments at the National Cancer Institute (IKN) on 30th July 2025. I learnt to bake chiffon cakes during the better days of my chemotherapy treatment.

    And here we are, still childless and unmarried nearly 6 months until my 40th. Being the eldest "andartu" (spinster) amongst my cousins does feel like an accomplishment, somehow. But I am honestly happier now. I remember writing about the elusive state of happiness somewhere on this blog. I'm glad it all worked out. No, the real measure of success is not by the numbers in our life, but the closeness of our hearts to Allah SWT. My bucket has been leaking a lot lately and I've been trying to tape it shut. It is a never ending struggle. But as long as we accept that that is what life actually is, then the suffering stops or at least become bearable.

I can't say I missed you, Brook. I haven't even thought about blogging one bit. Hopefully, I can keep this up again. It is quite masturbatory, I know, sorry (and sorry for using that word, although, it won't be the last time). I will try my best to talk less about myself. But as a forgetful person, this helps in my self-assessment efforts. Also, I am on a mission. 

Fare thee well, for now.

Oh, I mean...

Later days.

p/s: I have cats now.

Thought Vomit: 29

There will be no paragraphs. These are thought vomits. Profanity included. 

29. People keep saying that it's just a number. Fuck you. Yes, it's the number of years that I've been cruising instead of contributing. In 29 years of my life, I have gained nothing but an uninteresting personality that isn't worth noticing. There are kids and teenagers that are achieving more than I have. I hate the fact that all I've been thinking about lately is how can I get money. Money, money, money. Useless. I hate money. I hate things. I want to just walk, travel, and survive. But I'm afraid that I only want to because I think it's the ideal excuse to not being able to be GREAT. To travel and to meet people. Who am I kidding? I hate talking to people. But maybe because all the people I know only talk about work and property and politics. Things that don't really matter to me. Things that I don't think should even matter that much because they only give you a reason to categorize them, nothing more. Marriage and kids, stay off those subjects if you don't want me to make you doubt yours. I hate the fact that I get jealous of other people's happy selfies with their happy husband and ugly newborns. Ugh, take your happiness elsewhere. Don't share your happiness if you won't share my anxieties. I hate that that makes me sound selfish, but I am. So do what you want, please don't go out of your way to please me. But seriously, why the hell do I even feel jealous? I have anxieties about getting married and having kids. Maybe it's not about getting married or making babies. Maybe I'm jealous seeing other people being happy while I'm constantly miserable and volatile. I envy people who have a lot going on in their lives while I only surf Youtube and Imgur all day. Why the hell am I not doing anything about it. LAZY. No excuse. That's just it. Plus, anxiety is a fucking Berlin wall. Every night, I fall asleep to a voice telling me I'm ugly and useless. I've been trying to get over this for years but the more I acknowledge this problem the higher the wall. All these years of realizing, have I really been trying to climb over it or just coasting about, thinking about it? Because I'm tired and I don't even know where I'm at anymore. Being 29 obviously means nothing to my parents. I still can't drive out of the state alone. Compared to the US, Malaysia isn't even as big as any of its states, maybe 1 or 2 but you get the point. The fact that I'm letting this stop me from travelling alone might say something about my personality. Perseverance is not a quality of mine. There's a lot that I wish to be but go 'eh' when an opportunity presents itself. Be an avid book reader, for instance. Be calm. Be a great listener. Be helpful. Be diligent. Why do I associate myself with these values when I hardly do them? I keep thinking that doing these would turn me into the ideal me. But what does that make the current me? Am I not myself right now? It means that I know what is good for me but somehow, I'm just sitting in this car, filled with half packed bags. No, wait. Half empty bags, sounds more me. Saying half packed makes it sound incomplete. Half empty sounds like I haven't even started. 

Let me just state it here for future Edd, because you have a high potential of forgetting this. Edd, you are already happy, you just don't see it because you worry too much. The idea that you have to earn a lot to be successful comes from your parents' beliefs, not yours. You can be happy as long as you can survive without depending on others and making them happy without taking anything in return because that is how you level up in life. The +1 amounts to something beyond this life, Edd. Please remember this. I know you believe it, you're just forgetful sometimes. Come back to this to improve the words. Don't deny that you love yourself just to be a depressed. Stop believing you belong with them. It's human to doubt yourself. Not that you want to be normal but a Jedi, you are not. But fuck it, just in case, let's to work towards it. 

My left hand. In case you need to see my cleansing utensil. 

Be happy, Edd.

Dear Malaysia

I hate you right now. What do you want? You're making everyone bitter, making everyone arrogant for making their choices. This battle of egos is nothing more than playground politics, it's absurd. No, I don't understand and I don't think I need to. My level of knowledge and education is obviously lower than most of men up there and if they can't see eye to eye, what good would my understanding do? If it is a crime not to choose then cuff my hands. If it is a sin then I'll exile myself into hiding from the eyes of men and spend the rest of my life devoting myself to my God. I see great faults on both pastures and with all the turmoil in the air I see no water ahead. Your flocks will die and you will fade into just another terrible nightmare. Bogeymen of the 21st century. You are all Bogeymen. My naivety is lost under all this hatred. Equal hatred for both parties. Equal hatred for all unnecessary conflicts. Democracy is a myth.

Remember when Qui Gon Jinn found Anakin and thought he was The One, as mentioned in the prophecy? But Anakin turned out to be the one to bring the Jedi down. It was his son Luke instead that was the saviour.

Remember when Merlin thought Sir Lancelot was the prophetic hero? But his affair with the Queen turned out to be the catalyst that lead to many deaths, including Arthur's. It was his bastard son Galahad that turned out to be the hero.

Yes these are fictions but fictions are inspired by real events. I have a point but I am not brave enough to speak it out loud.

Even in desperation maybe it isn't wise to choose to drink from either a poisoned well or a bowl of seawater. It's not like we'd last longer, we'll just suffer more before we die. If we don't choose, we can walk further, struggle further, search further. Maybe then we'll meet a Luke or a Galahad. And die as fate had intended but with dignity.

I'm sorry, this is just my opinion.

The Journey Begins

Assalamualaikum...

          26 years.
          It took me 26 years to finally get on the right track. The transition is over. From here on forth, all my energy and knowledge shall be dedicated to my absolute goal. My dear God, Ya Allah, I live to serve You. I beg You not to make me lose my way this time. I realized that You have given me what I have always asked for, how blind I have been. How blinder could I still be? Is this Your comedy my dear Allah? I am a fool, for I am only Your servant.

          UiTM is now my current field for knowledge gathering. Allow me to be frank, I miss UKM. As cliche as it sounds, it will always be in my heart. It was a place that gave me a special lesson...directly and indirectly. One of them was to trust Him no matter what. UKM was where I found that something was missing inside, it gave me a reason to start searching for what I needed to find - or at that time, what I thought I lost, happiness.

         A never ending quest I suppose, that search for our purpose in life. Our sole purpose. I agree we should trust Him in giving us one when He pulled us out of the darkness in the first place. It's the beauty of this life He created. We are forever bound in this sacred pact of life, forever connected through the finest strings of molecular structure. I wish to preserve that. Now, I may or may not be where I should be, but I have reasons to believe that somehow, I am. And so I fear Your wrath, Dear Allah, forgive me if I ever overjoyed, ever too proud, for I am weak.

I got myself here, or was that You Allah? :) . And so lemons will not only be turned to lemonades but also lemon meringue pies, lemon tarts, lemony sponge cake with lemon flavoured butter cream filling.

Strength & Honour!

     

Self Analysis part III...I think

Haaaa...where am I?

Everytime I write a self analysis on this blog it's usually after the recovery of a big fall. It's quite pathetic because for the previous two posts [2 years ago??] it's like I've achieved a major breakthrough and although I did mention a prediction of another fallout [which did happen], I thought I was capable of handling it. Well I don't know what to make of the outcome really, because I'm trying not to see terminating my dental studies as a failure but rather, moving on to be a better person. Yes, it is quite a cheat, shut up. And that's that.

I am getting more and more frustrated with the state of my mind. I don't have a stable personality and not having control over one self is making me feel rather sick. I know who I am [existentially] and my goals. I recognize my phases and moods but I can't control the length of time that they conquer me. When I'm angry I long not to be because it hurts other people when I am. When I'm happy I also feel guilt and long to depress because it squeezes out the creative juices in me, with a little anger and hatred I am driven. I just need to stay away from self pity which is quite hard with my low self esteem. Anger is easy to come since I'm a hot head egomaniac.

But within all this overflowing, dysfunctional, emotional personality instability, my thoughts from any random thing to the current views will be raging like fireworks. And these thoughts shifts so much from one emotion to another that I forget them and miss them. I can only remember bits and pieces and not the whole idea, no matter how brilliant. Why not right them down? malas. The funny thing is when I shift in emotion and subsequently in thoughts, the previous thoughts of the previous emotions just seem so ridiculous and alien and sometimes magnificent.

But that's just it, I only process thoughts. They do not proceed down the conveyor belt to the fabrication room and be transformed into action. They are dust in the wind. I need to do something with my hands.
But here's the catch, I'm a procrastinator.

..last night I dreamnt of being married twice. The first disappeared and the current was tiny. ???

Emo Edd and her Hate Paint

Today my clinic partner Ann asked me to make a list my weaknesses. I know, pretty frontal. But she was trying to make conversation with me so that I won't doze off like last time. It was a boring clinic. Digging for calculus is a boring job. And assisting a calculus digger is ten times the bore.

I only gave off a few. It's like being asked what your favourite song or movies are. You know them at some point but you go blank when asked...point blanc. But unlike fave songs or movies where you can always try to remember what you typed in your many social net profiles, weaknesses are features we tend to hide and deny. Reading this you might think, "No, I don't"...yeah.

Well, my list of weaknesses is quite...very long. Noticing them was one thing, admitting them is another. One main trait is that I have a big fat ego. [I just typed 'ego' in capitals but rewrote them in small - trying not to prove a point] I noticed this problem 5 years ago during my 2nd year 'here' [crap, I'm still 'here']. And although I noticed it I didn't know how to deal with it. I used to think that studying dentistry was one of the cause and that I needed to force myself into manual labor to understand the effort needed to deserve a living  but that was just a premature speculation based on non other than the monthly emo-hormonal fluctuation which at that time was pretty much nearly everyday of the 2nd semester [dare you to say that sentence in one breath].

So it was left to grow and grow and now I'm kinda fearful in facing it head on. Its like it has a life of it's own and if I try to banish it from my pinky hemispheres it would squirt out a self defense mechanism which in my case would be an autoimmune mechanism. And then I would lose all my other features, good or bad. I will transform into a zombie and join the world of the undead as a brainless mass of meat-suit where it's sole purpose of wonderment is to devour fresh, juicy brains of the living. I'd rather be a vamp [of the Underworld type, not Twilight nor Trueblood].

I am not sure where this trait comes from. A theory suggests genetics but that is only through personal observation only. Another theory would be the exponential rise during my academical peaking in college matriculation thus leading to my placement in the dental world. It could be both, resulting in a cumulative result. Wahai si bongkak.

Second biggest weakness, I brag about myself. Even be bold enough to reveal my weaknesses, an attempt to appear fearless and cool. Need I elaborate more? Actually I think this should be number 1.b) since I have my own blog.

Third, the hatred that feeds my soul. I see it as both a curse and a blessing. Not many people can cultivate hate and use it as a source of inspiration. Well, negative inspiration of course but one inspiration does lead to another and from all that fire, a phoenix will rise. And my phoenix is gonna kill you black listers.

[I have to cut this short for I am sleep deprived]

Last night I unloaded a heavy burden and after a long time, I can write again. Although I have lost all my readers and this post might not be read by anybody at all, ever, I feel like I did when I first started this blog. Hopeful. InsyAllah.


Later days.

Here It Goes Again

This is it. I don't think I should go on. It's fate that these dates were to intercept each other. And I was to choose one that was of more superiority to me.

I spent 5 years here. 5 years. Academically I'm practically nowhere. But I know I've gained a few pounds of knowledge and skills. Leveled up a few steps higher. Acquired tremendous amount of friends, or at least connections. But I must admit that some non-physical part of me have been spared from any accountable growth. Obviously it won't as long as I stay here. It's like waiting for a wisdom tooth to erupt in a 30 year old man.

But I can't just walk away either. I have a large sum of debt to clear now. With that in my mind, I also don't think I should make it as a dentist. There's a 3 year course degree in Screen Creative Technology in UiTM. Very tempting...job prospects were rated 4.4/5. But I won't really know what that means. This is for the dream.

My dad thought I wanted that dream so that I would become popular. He doesn't understand. I am not after the limelight. I want to be able to show people, tell them a story. Make them feel. Move them. I don't want to become apart of what everybody sees right now. I will create my own field. It's going to be a struggle but I'd rather do that.

But then again we'd say anything when we're desperate and I have lost the trust in myself. I do not trust my own instincts. I do not trust myself to make the right decision anymore because I do not trust myself in telling the right from wrong. I don't have the ability to remember how such emotions can deeply wound me or the people around me. And so I can't trust myself to never repeat the same mistakes again because I have. And I cut deeper everytime.

"1 1/2 years more," they'd remind me, "not far to go," they'd add.

I can't be a dentist.

I'll pray to Allah that these feelings would go away but the idea is already in place and it would take a brain transplant to make me forget.

I'm sorry...

Jolt

I suddenly felt the need to write this down. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of needing to wake up. Is it a coincidence that I am now 'locking' myself up in my room, my bunker to complete my video project? - An assignment related to a passion of mine. And that at the same time watched Inception for the 1st time? A movie I have so long tried to avoid knowing it will haunt me for days. I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed.

The need to make a movie as inspiring...the characters, the music...
[but to be honest, the gravity of the whole situation wasn't that critical. It wasn't the end of the world :P ]

The need to wake up from my own mind, my bunker and what it would mean to actually wake up. What from? To where?

The need to...well thats it really... Buzz KILL..

I wonder what would've happened if I didn't watch the movie in the first place. Would I still be pondering about the need to wake up and out of this mess? Of course I would. I just wouldn't feel the desperate need to go bungee jumping for a 'kick'.

there's a quiz in an hour and I need a bath..

The Third

The charm, they say. But miss then strike out, they say. I say I don't believe in any of that. I say luck is an illusion of a blinded optimist and fate is the script of a realist. Opportunists are scavengers of this virtual world and I am somewhat a series of empty canvases.

It's hard to believe anything you read or hear or watch today. As long as you are breathing you are vulnerable to lies. Trust can only go to a certain extent until it too may falter.  

We can only rely on a few true sources. But when that too becomes the target of corruption then it gives a reason for humanity to fail. A reason for the world to end. Theories upon theories are built up, piled onto each other, just so they would erase the fear of judgment day by scheming an escape. Nonsensical optimists... 
The day will come.

What I say isn't always what I believe. I don't really say what I really do, but it can be obvious if you see. I'd like to be more assured than I am though. But like I said, I am somewhat a series of empty canvases. They are painted over and over again. Just because the combination of colours seem to portray a picture, it doesn't necessarily have a meaning. In other words, they are still empty. So they will continually be painted upon until they have at least a few. These series of canvases.

I do not predict my fate but I am no optimist.

Leaving Shadows Behind

I guess that is whats really been the main theme of my soul searching process. How I am gonna make a mark on this earth before my time comes, a mark more significant than a tombstone above my rotting flesh [InsyAllah, as a proper burial would be good enough]. 

Lightyears
[14/06/10]

I realise I never really think of the present as for what they are. I know I should and I often say to others that they should but I know I don't. I say a lot of things to others that I clearly know will come back and bite me in the back. I know it sounds like I'm a hypocrit, I guess I am but I say them anyway to make myself realise. And most of the time I state this fact to them. Other times I just bid them off to cry alone in the dark, lol.

Anyway, to take another step out of de'Nile, I will say this. I am stuck in the past. Past happiness, past achievements, past memories. I am dead afraid of the future. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I want to plan but I'm afraid to. Because if I do...there's just too much fear of the unknown.

CRAP, I don't know where I got this from. Planning was great in high school. I got here in dental school by planning and by sticking to that plan. Maybe because I became so unhappy here that it pasted a negative sticker onto that type of action. "Avoid in future thinking processes"...slap it on that planning button.

How would you like to leave your mark on this earth? Tell me...whoever's reading. Because I KNOW everybody share at least this thought if not all the above.

Puppy Cloud
[13/06/10]

I do believe we were brought to life for a purpose and we may not know what that is yet [some may never] so in the meanwhile, what harm is it to dream?

I Hear Crickets...

It's bugging me, grating me, and twisting me around!
Yeah I'm endlessly, caving in, and turning inside out!
[guess where that's from]

I'd like to dedicate that to the darling little crickets who with sheer joy play their tune relentlessly through the night. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, SMACK!! Flame! Sweep! Shoo.

Now, one problem solved, a million to go [grr..]
How will I ever get enough sleep?
I close my eyes and I keep seeing my scenes of vengeance.
Fueled by all that hatred of course.
And truth be told, I'm not ready to get rid of it.
Maybe that's why the demons can affect me.
I so willingly allow their whisperings.

Anyway... I was watching 'Human Stories' on Discovery Home & Health the other day and it was about 'When Sleep Turns Bad'. Insomniacs, sleep walkers and everything else in between. Scary stuff really if it can lead to divorce and jumping of buildings. With it being psychologically related, different remedies work on different people. Nothing is absolute when it comes to human beings. Abnormality is a norm. Some patients only need to tweak their diet, others rely on feng shui. My sleeping issue isn't really a problem it's just irregular. Just because...
and I know it's why...

...Donald Duck touched me when I was young :P

Scarce

I am but a passenger in this world...
[Taken on January 2010]

I don't know what to write about anymore. I started this blog in full inspiration of conveying my thoughts, record my feelings because I know I'll forget them. I hardly feel like writing nowadays. I feel like I'm pulling myself into a shell. Self-captivity.

Since I was in my formative years I've always liked the idea of being secretive and mysterious and although I was always saying I was, I knew deep down I wasn't. I was just pretending. But I guess all those years of pretense finally paid off, I can finally calm down and shut my mouth if I wanted to. Which is nearly all the time now. But when you live in a community or a family, the too drastic a change can threaten them of the absolute absurdity. They see things differently and without asking to confirm, assume the worst of everything. Although they were right to do so, I still think they should have left me alone with my choice.

I know human are born into a community and that they are expected to be part of one as soon as they come to years, but I can't do that. Being part of a community means dwelling in diversity and to me that's just asking for trouble. Diversity is chaos. But then again, there is never total chaos as according to the chaos theory, nothing is actually random. The world governed by Him is far too smart for that. But that is what I fear and hate. I tried to change but the world changed me back.

I believe change is possible, but death is the only cure.

Fluff

I've been really interested in the clouds up in the sky lately. I guess God is trying to remind me about the bigger picture. I started admiring the fluffy wisps up about a few months ago. Majestic when the sun crowns it and powerful during their darker moods. Everytime I suffer inside, which is nearly everyday, all I need to do is look up and behold the glowing blankets above.

Clouds in a way are like people. There are many races, they appear to have feelings, they drink and cry, and they too are unpredictable. They have boundaries like we do. They can't come down too low and they can't fly up too high while we have our religion. It's not like they have a choice. God invented the logical reality of physics and chemistry. We on the other hand do have choices. The good and bad ones, and the gray areas.

I Killed A Giant !!

eHattattaa...

Oh what have become of the olden days...me being a selfish, ignorant twerp and the world summoning all the chaos that it could possibly conjure out of it's very limited vault of human ability(s). Well nothing really, those are still the days we're living in. Sometimes it feels useless after countless of hours sticking my head into these 'save the world' movements because directly after snapping back into reality, it feels like waking up from a dream! An impossible one!

Speaking of dreams! I had an awfully disturbing nightmare yesterday. I didn't have any patients for a clinic session from 10-12am so I decided to go 'study' [promise, I tried!] at the Surau. Of course, I fell asleep. And then I dreamed. I'm assuming you readers know Ju-On's crawling-on-the-floor ghost. Well it was pinning me down because someone sitting across me was ordering it to. I was in the same position as I was sleeping in, so I was really freaking out. There was another person walking around the surau in the background and he/she was also part of this 'ritual'.

The person sitting across from me was asking me to do something which I can't remember, but I refused and so it sent me into a nightmare. I was sent to a jungle clearing in my mind, there was a big old tree in the middle and fire posts encircling the area. There were 2 others, a couple that were sent there also against their will. A giant attacked us, we were to die! We fended ourselves with stick-made-spears. The woman was killed, the giant threw her to the ground, near the roots of the tree and pierced her throat with one of our made-shift weapons. Later the man was knocked unconscious. Somehow after that, I managed to attain a sword and decapitate the giant. Bloody but heroically!

So I survived the nightmare and came back to the surau but still in the dream. I was alone. The beings were no longer there, I was no longer pinned down. It was raining heavily outside and it was already nighttime! I looked at my phone to see if my dad had called, 30 miscalled! He must've been worried. So I quickly got up, got my things and slowly opened the surau door. Peeked outside, in case those beings were guarding outside. The Ju-On ghost was sitting on a chair near the door, wearing a gorilla suit [???]. Apparently it was asleep, so I slowly crept out but the door creaked as I was closing it [out of habit]. So it woke up and started chasing me around. It never caught me because I woke up, I really woke up this time, it really was raining heavily outside. I wasn't alone though, thankfully some of my coursemates were there getting ready for Zohor prayers. 1pm??!! Sheesh!!


Right then, back to whatever I was doing that you don't need to know about.


Later days...

Frock Bearer

wow..that sounds and looks dirty. I dunno why, it just popped out of my head since I'm not gonna write on any particularly specific topic here.

I think the theme of my holiday this year is creativity or specifically, Youtube videos. Last year's was self discovery, profound movement, made major changes in my attitude, fantasmic! So this year, I'm all about creating stuff. It's about time too, I'm not getting any younger.

Aging is kind of a sad thing because it's just another term we use for dying. Honestly, it's just stretching it out a bit, turning it into a bigger picture. I mean we can't really say cells are aging because their lifetime aren't even worth noticing. Okay, so red blood cells lasts for 120 days and intestinal cells lasts for 3 days or so. Merely a routine shift change really. Only a few gets spotted as aging, the rest simply dies or died unnoticed.

Everything and everybody dies. I get very irritated watching American movies where the main character loses their faith after somebody important in his or her life died. They complain that they've been very faithful but God still puts that load of depression upon them, that He took the life of an innocent or good person. First of all, their definition of a good person is far from ours. He may drink, steal, smoke pot, do drugs, be a con artist, fcuk around, but still be a good kid. In our society, he should die. Second, they expect an easy life in return of God worship. Totally reversed from our belief, or at least mine. Life is after all a test, people who have it easy are no different than benchwarmers.

Aaaah...that stupid-yet-funny-once-is-enough movie. Talking of movies, I have a new idea that's been going about in my thinking vault for 2 months now. I don't think I'll be typing it down anytime soon. Takes me too long. I'd rather fill the rest of my holis with something more solid. Just so I can prove I haven't been a zombie during dead time. No more Z-days! Lengthy writing is for far more boring days such as...ugh! not worth mentioning..

My pillows are calling me to bed. Don't wanna keep them waiting or we'd start having a pillow fight! [Aaahahaha! Pun intended!]

Later days...

Losing it

I'm losing excitement day by day. Waking up with nothing but an entangled mess of frustrating mist heaving my spirit out of life and submerged under a thick layer of grime. The only person that's keeping me going is my younger brother, since he's also in his holidays [school], I try to find day to day enjoyment by playing video games with him.
Astro keeps showing reruns and I'm not just talking about the movie channels,
I can't read because it'll put me to sleep,
I can't make videos because I ran out of materials...well I have a few to work on but I'm experimenting on a different software so it'll take time to complete...
I'm pausing my song-making effort because I don't want to rush and miss out

Nearly everything is putting me down lately and going to bed early is still hard for me. It's about that time for me to do what I do best, keep my mind busy by making up movies in my head, a realm for where my advanced self image shines best. Sometimes I feel like I'm saving myself from this world to live in another. I know it sounds absurd and unrealistic but the feeling of self belonging keeps escaping my flail, reluctant grasp. I am enraged when people don't understand me but at the same time also enraged when they're spot on. I have yet pondered the answers to why. I have a personality that is destructive in nature thus, I am better alone. I even find myself revolted by the idea of marriage, nowadays.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm choosing to be this way...no wait, in a way I am but that's too complicated to explain. But trust me, I am looking for a way to get out because my future looks bleak. It's just that with the state of affairs and the way that I am, my very existent is rebelling with every threat that comes to change me. I tend to develop a radical idea way too negative of a suggestion made for me to change.

Someone once asked me, "Are you looking for something?". I was hanging out with 4 of my high school seniors at a cafe after silat practice around 7 years ago. 3 of them were guys and while the rest were discussing school politics, one of the guys stared into my eyes and suddenly put a curious face on. He asked the above and I was struck down awkward but with a clueless mind answered him, "No, I don't think so." I was 16 at that time and he was scaring the hell out of me. He continued saying, "You look like you're searching for something. [awkward pause] You are. [awkward pause] You will. When you are, don't stop looking." I said "Okay?" and whispered to my female senior the signal to leave. I never actually told anyone about this since I never took it seriously. It is after all very random, but the way he stared into me...creepy it was.

We're all looking for something in this life, be it peace, happiness, or financial overdose. Sometimes we're not even sure what we're supposed to be looking for and that is what we're looking for in the time being. The journey is way too long to be written as a RM85 600 paged thick hardback novel, re-enacted in a 3 hour limiting biographical motion picture, recited as an hour long orchestral symphony but when it's time to die, we almost wish we did more.

I'd rather you hate me for what I am than loving me for what I can't become...

Later be thy days..

Little Did She Know...

I am, in a way distraught by a very familiar human weakness, nothing lasts. Everlasting is humanely impossible. I don't mind dying, I don't mind the ever revolutionizing human psychology, I don't even mind friends coming and going. It has been a year on 26th April, since I started blogging here. On that day, I took a while off studying to revisit some of my old scribblings. It occurred to me that I'm losing my touch. I felt like that girl in 'The Devil Wears Prada' or that guy in 'How To Lose Friends and Alienate People'. I guess everything in life really does have their own personal list of pros & cons, that includes happiness. As much as I believe 2008/2009 was one of the best years in my development of psychological maturity, I'm no longer exhilarated by being constantly happy. I had a taste, now stop bugging me and let me do my duty.


Happiness, if not well-balanced can prove deadly. The line between sufficiency & redundancy is a mighty fine one. Unless you're right on the border, you're at risk of 'blindness'. I find myself writing better when I am under certain depression. Or it might just be tonight. Too many things are going on in my mind, traffic is congested. And I'm starting to hate Saturdays. I get headaches on Saturdays and I am officially blank right now. I just spent a minute trying to spell Saturday.

While eating dinner tonight, I remember how I used to hate myself when I'm at school, I was too quiet, to emo, too shy. I loved being around my family instead since I could be more of myself. How the tables have turned. Not that I'd prefer friends over family but I can't be comfortable enough anymore. I think clearer and appear more matured around friends. Is this part of growing up? ..................too tired to think about this tonight.

See how the problems just never stops? Peace never lasts, it'd be too absurd and illogical, the world would fold over. Disclaimer: BUT it doesn't mean we should stop believing in it, we have try to reach it instead of doing nothing. Something is always better than nothing. So a C is always better than failing even if it's not an A. Give your kid a break.

Anyway, I've written 3 songs [Dear Life, Hometown City, Save Us] within a month's time. I have never been so inspired. I hope it lasts...yeah right. They're all in my site, http://www.myspace.com/eddfalcomusic. Please visit when you have the time. They're not metal, they're not love songs, don't worry.

May this questionable feeling of human imperfection not reign over my consciousness and suffocate my mist of creativity. Later days...

Say It Like It Is, MothaLuver!

Mother's Day is coming up and thanks to my being around people for a change it didn't escape me this time around, unlike other times. Frankly, I never really paid much attention to it [in those days] and no matter how much my mum kept saying that she doesn't feel appreciated during those days - because I pass the day like any other day - I just didn't feel the need. Yeah okay, you might think: Damn! Edd's an ungrateful piece of offspring! Well, I agree! I was how you say, a biatch? An inconsiderate, ignorant, selfish biatch to be exact. I still do retain some features but I'm trying my best to shed that old layer of skin. Love was nowhere to be found in that kid and now I just wanna hug everybody [aaahh...J. Loren to start with].

Anyway, back to the main subject of mums! I just read of a friend's blog where he wrote about his parents and how much he loves them and all those mushy stuff [hehe..kidding..very thoughtful of you]. And thus inspired me on this matter.

Thinking back on all the sacrifices they made just to raise the 5 of us, really makes me wanna knock the starch out of myself for being what I was. Of course, my mum would say we were good kids, behaved well in public, and never asked for much. Yeah I guess in those aspects we checked out, but in some others...tisk2, child abuse should've been legalized. I'm not saying we were all devils, no! Just 3 of us girls, all biatches of different kinds. But enough of my family history. What I'm trying to say is that I believe in how karma can sneak up behind and bite you in the ass, thus, I am damn afraid to have kids!

Of course, unlike my friend who wrote, "If I could just be as good as my mum and dad in the future, I would be glad enough." I think in my case, I'd have to level up and beyond. Other than the fact that I might have to deal tenfold the pain my parents went through, I guess it's my way of 'becoming more than what my parents were' because I'm not doing so good in their field of strengths. Watch and learn basically. How I'm gonna do it? I have my plan, I just hope the outcome would be as good as, "MY MOM FRIGGIN ROCKS!!". Okay, now where's the husband?

Aaaahhh...I'm losing my point. I forgot what I was supposed to write about. Just finished my finals today, my overstimulated brain cells just can't wait to get my hands on Vader.

So basically, before this, Mother's Day, to me, was a day where mums could bitch out saying they deserve more. Well fook me for thinking so. They do deserve more! It takes more than maturity to comprehend such sincerity of being on duty for the rest of you life, it takes experience and no matter how much I say, I can never truly feel it until I pop out my own. Haha! Ruined the ending.

Anyway, YAY for mums all over the world...except those who ditch their babies like garbage.

Once again, apologies for the foul language but truth be told.

Later be thy days...

A Fortnight of Agony

Brook,

First it was Vypress.

After finally getting out to hunt for a new guitar, Vader, I got back to my apartment and found that meg@3on [my laptop] was whacked up. I couldn't enter Windows at all. So much for my advice to Enda [my aunt], "look for positive comments before downloading a torrent file". All this time I've been lucky in optimizing my absolute freedom until that virus finally pinned me down. I had to reformat the whole thing. After 2 years, meg@3on had never gone through one and so, sad I was to put him into a stranger's hand for 4 days. I know I could have done it myself but I don't know how to and I might just postpone the whole thing since I am a student. And aren't we all procrastinators? [Ib: "Yes, we are!"]

my Vader

After getting the newly revived meg@3on, I spent a whole day personalizing him back to the way he was. Re-installing, re-customizing and all but he's just not the same as before.

meg@3on...what was

One issue is that he's got this black bar on the right side of his screen which I can't get rid of [a battle scar?]. The screen resolution for 1024x768 is no longer available [no idea why]. Then some features on his keyboard is no longer working. Nothing is the same after you bring it back from the dead. So much so, I'm now gonna call him Glamdring [if you're a LOTR fan you'll know what that is] or something else. Shadowfax [LOTR again] sounds nice too. Okay then, sh@dowfaX it is!

sh@dowfaX

Well, it does look better when I think about it. It looks more clean, organized and mature. If you look up Shadowfax, you'll see how it fits. I added some cool applications, Stardock stuff [Objectdock Plus and Fences]. I had Objectdock before in meg@3on but the free version. Trying to illegally obtain a free Objectdock Plus was what led to his death. Woops. I found a clean pirated version of it now but it's not as good. Some things just sound or look too good to be true. I even took the background pic myself, Cherating beach.

The very next day, guess what else decided to give me a breakdown. meg@pOd [my iPod] !! Can you believe it?! Just after the 1 year warranty ended. DaMnatioN!!

It's actually quite common for an iPod to go haywire after 2 days or even a few hours. Sounds scary, I know and I am one of the lucky one's where my iPod lasted a whole year without getting corrupted.

Well, 2 nights away from a mini test, I just couldn't get my head together to study that night. I was really devastated! I was frustrated when I found out Vypress was no longer fixable, depressed when meg@3on had an MI, but meg@pOd breaking down was worser than the two combined. I love that piece of crap! Not to mention all my 80G of precious music [nearly 4000 songs] and movies [well over 30G] wiped clean just as fast as saying the F word.

All I could do that night was search the net for answers in fixing meg@pOd. None of them worked. I even tried knocking and dropping it [seriously, it worked for some]. There's one more thing to try out, hopefully it'll work. My last resort would be to send it for repair.

Well, mini test is over and I found a song to play for my performance on 10th April. It turns out that I'm not buying my friend's red Ibanez. I'm quite happy with Vader for now. Things are looking up. Aaaaaaahh, the cool breeze of the night air. I'm going to bed early tonight.

Later days...