Tuesday, 7 October 2014

That long weekend when 47 - 1 = 46 and ended in silence

The first memory and the last

Thoughts on him:

My cousin Saif was the wild spirit that I've always envied. Especially after Aussie.

The other "family rebel" that pioneered his own way to live his own life, giving me the confidence that this "family rebel" can survive too. He ended up paving a solid pathway that everyone eventually warmed up to. The same hope I have for myself. But then again, I've always been more of a loser than a rebel.

He's one of those big brothers that can make you feel better just by being there, even though he's a year younger than me.

My first thought after the news of your passing sank in was, "Damn it, Saif." and half-hoped you peered in the room to say, "Oi, buat apa?"

Prayers to you, Saif. Thanks for the sand.

Saturday, 5 April 2014

Great Talks

The best conversations I ever have are with my brother, Faris. He's 6 years younger but out of all my siblings, he's the one I can connect to the most. We have a mutual respect for each other's level of knowledge and absurdity. But I know he'd pay no attention to me if we're around his friends. It's that kind of relationship. 

Our great talks usually take place at night or sometimes we hang out together, outside or at home playing X-box (or he plays while I watch). He understands that I like watching him play so he'd play action adventure games instead of FIFA when I'm around (because FIFA is boring to non-football fans). He'd buy Assassin's Creed just because he knows it's my favorite game even though he's not into it. 

But the greatest thing is our talks. It ranges so wide and I rarely have that with anyone else. I'm an awkward person outside. I wish someday I can share it with some other guy. Because my bro has a girl now and I feel like I might lose him someday, when he'll be married. I'm nearly sure he will beat me to it, like he does with everything else. He's a great young man I'm proud to have as my brother.

Missing my bro.

Later days.

Friday, 4 April 2014

I basically have no idea anymore...

That's my most honest opinion that I have of myself currently...and of my future plans.
I basically have no more plans and hope for the future anymore. I'll just take whatever rolls in and be thankful that something does roll in. 

I don't think planning ahead suits me. I do kinda panic ahead, resulting in a very careful safe result. SAFE. When I write "planning", I guess the only things they ever include are career and marriage because those are the only words I typed before I erased and wrote this instead. If there's more I should know, I beg to be notified. Maybe I can plan my death scene?

My understanding of a career is doing a job that one is passionate about. 
Dentistry was not a passion and so I left after 6 years in. I am deeply sorry to those hurt by this decision but I never regretted it. There was no fire, there was only ice. I can never make anyone really understand the selfish stance I took but 6 years was too much. I have friends with kids that age now. Maybe if I had a different personality or was in a different circumstance, I wouldn't have left. But I did. The only regret I have is not leaving sooner.

In my current course of education, I am much happier although the outside world keeps scaring me about the instability of job availability. It does scare me because I still live with my parents and they remind me - not verbally or anything, just by the act of seeing them - of the immense debt I owe them. I can live just to survive, I don't need luxury but to not be able to support myself, at my age, is killing my self worth. Stop scaring people like that, I don't have money to keep buying new undies. And it does horrible things to my already petite confidence level. 

I am trying freelance slowly. Just...stop lecturing me, or others like me. Advise us...and maybe hug us and pat our backs for confidence. 

Well, hahahahhahahahahahahahahhaahahhahahahhahhaahahahahahahahahaahaha...
My last target was 25. I got a bit desperate now and then. The image of a husband became more of a must than a maybe in my mind. I do want marriage and children. But FB posts are really an enemy now. Peer pressure never really got to me before but the internet has found it's way through my social cocoon. You are the opposite of getting my life hacked by a stranger, and you are perhaps worse (I never had a hacker hack me to pieces, sorry to those who had if otherwise).

Even my taste in men have changed radically, or perhaps logically. The once vision of a husband as a ripped, tough, tall, dark and handsome type has been replaced with any man with a passion and a stable personality. I don't even care if he's much older, actually, I prefer them older. Maybe an old geek somewhere stuck in his youth, as I am stuck in my childhood years. I just made it sound paedo...heh.

Do I hope to at least be married by 30? Of course. But would I mind if I don't? Who gives a flying fox... It's just a number. Only humans measure time and only humans are the ones frustrated by it. 

I remember having everything planned during Form 5:
1. finish SPM - was not confident on getting straight A's, so I already planned to start over once in matriculation.
2. aced in matriculation
3. get into Dental school
4. get military scholarship
5. graduate at 24 and earn own money
6. married by 25
7. propagate 

I got to no.4 and started losing track (or was I?). A lot of mature questions started to pop up before I even finished resolving teen issues. Maybe that's why I'm awkward. 

I keep thinking to myself that I have to change - not in the improvement aspect, that's expected of a normal human being - my personality and looks in order to fit better in this world, to be friends with more people, to get him to finally notice me. But that would be lying to myself. It would be a philosophical equivalent to an abortion. I guess there is a factor of narcissism in every one of us to value ourselves enough not to completely change ourselves. We are individually engineered for a purpose and so until I find that purpose, I'll move at my own pace...as poyo as that may be.

Until I feel like writing more...later be thy days.