Thursday, 18 March 2010
Damn you, cruel world...[I'm regarding its inhabitants of course]
I don't think I can be best at anything. I'm way too destructive to be achieving something. The only wish I'm hoping will come true now is to be able to make my own movies in my distant future.
Movies that would inspire a nation to take their ground. Movies that would relate to what Islam has taught us and give it new life. Movies that can take affect on a level higher than a good review. Movies that would have, "Fuck you!!" as it's subliminal message.
A wish is only a wish. If only I could quit doing what I'm doing now and work on that wish, I know I'd be better off. This land is dry, I can't plant seeds no more.
I think, because of this notion [the title], I decided to stay behind. Of course I made the friggin decisions! They appear subconscious because I'm awesome at pretending. Do I ever look surprised when I find myself repeating a whole year of dental school? Nay! I seem happy because I achieved! Last year I nearly repeated and that shook me. It's not that I like that place I'd spend as many years as I can there. I'd burn it down if I wanted to but that would only lead to air pollution. I HATE THAT PLACE! and I just ran out of words to type...
Sunday, 7 March 2010
I don't know what to write about anymore. I started this blog in full inspiration of conveying my thoughts, record my feelings because I know I'll forget them. I hardly feel like writing nowadays. I feel like I'm pulling myself into a shell. Self-captivity.
Since I was in my formative years I've always liked the idea of being secretive and mysterious and although I was always saying I was, I knew deep down I wasn't. I was just pretending. But I guess all those years of pretense finally paid off, I can finally calm down and shut my mouth if I wanted to. Which is nearly all the time now. But when you live in a community or a family, the too drastic a change can threaten them of the absolute absurdity. They see things differently and without asking to confirm, assume the worst of everything. Although they were right to do so, I still think they should have left me alone with my choice.
I know human are born into a community and that they are expected to be part of one as soon as they come to years, but I can't do that. Being part of a community means dwelling in diversity and to me that's just asking for trouble. Diversity is chaos. But then again, there is never total chaos as according to the chaos theory, nothing is actually random. The world governed by Him is far too smart for that. But that is what I fear and hate. I tried to change but the world changed me back.
I believe change is possible, but death is the only cure.