New POST!

For today, I made a mistake of waking up to FND Films [A Youtube channel by Aaron Fronk & Vinny Dego]. It made me feel like being angry and high all day. Banzai & The Dude...what a mix. My roomie is lucky for not being here since Thursday's pm. Oh, did I mention?! I had a college sleepover for this weekend. And probably for the next...and the other...until exam week's up and done!

It's been a lockdown! All the 5 of me came out but only Banzai and The Dude hosted, the rest just hung around pretending to exist.

0900
Edd: Nice, Pushing Daisies S02E05 is done! Caching! Breakfast time...
[watches Pushing Daisies and continues with FND Films]

1200
Banzai: Edd, you moron! You still have your friggin DPH assignment to do!
Dude: Oh man, I thought I was gonna lay today mann...like lay on the floor here.
[lays on the floor]
Dude: oh yeah, this coldness is so cool
Banzai: And I know you don't want to present tomorrow's prostho crap. I'm not doin it.
Dude: That prostho crap is sick mann. It's like when you're trying to put on your socks in the morning and you can't look down coz you had a mega-headbanging session last night..[reminisces last night]..so you have to raise that foot and stand on one leg doing it but then it cramps your ass and you accidentally kicked the chair with the other foot and then you fall down. And when you got both socks on you realized it's a Saturday. That is just fcuked up mann.
Banzai: Fcuked up like you.
Dude: Like you too mann. you're like the master of fcukg yourself and everyone up
Banzai: I'm not fu...
Dude: hellyeah you are!!
Banzai: Dude I'm not the one who breathes in crack like everyone breathe in oxygen... 24/7..that's super-fcuked up
Dude: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Banzai: Yeah you do, you even do it in your sleep
Dude: Nooooooo i don't mann..i take my beauty sleep seriously. i sleep like 10 hours a day
Banzai: Yeah, for 2 days straight
Dude: Nooo....what?
Banzai: you said you sleep 10 hours a day right?
Dude: yeah
Banzai: well you do it for 2 days straight
Dude: .......what?
Banzai: Like, you sleep 10 on Friday and 10 on Saturday, continuously
Dude: .......wait...what day is it?
Banzai: ...what? are you fcukg kidding me?! are you high? what am i sayin, of course you're high...nevermind.
[a moment of silence while Banzai gets pissed off and Dude tries to focus]
Banzai: Look, i think Edd's friggin losing it, look at what she's doin'. dude, look, dude..
Dude: What?
[both looks at Edd and what she's doing]
Edd: ............What the fcuk are you looking at?!
Dude: Hahahahaha...what are you doing dude...hahhaha!
Banzai: now that's super fcuk up
[both laughs hysterically]
Edd: shut up...[stopped, went to laptop, continued friggin assignment]
Banzai: [whispers to Dude] hey lets choke her with a plastic bag

1500
Edd: .........................................................................

Dude: later be the days dudessssssssssssshakalaka BOOOM!

Quest for personalities....

Other than being a Youtube freak, I'm also addicted to analyzing characters or personalities in people. Movies are awesome for this. Some are good ones, others just don't fit. Though I have my own personalities that I have developed along the years of living on in this society. The personalities that lies within. Some has extinct, others continue to be part of me. I'll go in sequence of who came to be first.

1. BANZAI [1999-present]
- initially created for a friend's comic piece
- inspired by Dragon Ball Z's Videl, daughter of Mr.Satan
- she is when I'm angered and full of destructive hatred
- I used to draw sketches of her all the time back then but I can't find any now
- she's a rebel without a cause, bullies weak people, but she's a fighter
- music: hardcore, grindcore metal, black metal
- colour: black, red


2. LILY [2000-2005]
- inspired by the character Elle Woods from Legally Blond but Lily's much more sensible
- I don't have a specific image of her since she was only created in my head
- she used to come out at night during my pre-bedtime-gossiping sessions with my younger sis
- she's extinct since I no longer have these sessions anymore
- she's wacky, girly, clumsy, clueless, and sometimes easily heart broken or emotionally weak
- constantly victimized by Banzai's verbal abuse but at times they're best friends
- music: Enya, Sigur Ros, Arcade Fire, Pomplamoose, Feist, My Brightest Diamond
- colour: peach

3. EDWINA [2002-hiatus]
- I personally named this character because I find her as my neutral between the 2 above
- I basically picture her as myself in office clothing: long sleeved shirts and black slacks
- she is when I'm handed tasks or assignments, the responsible me. So obviously she's been on a long break since 2006, but comes and goes once in a while. She knows when I need her
- she's friendly, very matured, open minded, solves quarrels like a pro (especially between the 2 above), strong willed, confident, she gets bad moods but she won't go wild like Banzai
- music: hans zimmer movie scores, Maksim, Strings Quartet, Sarah Brightman
- colour: silver and purple

4. THE DUDE [2007-present]
- inspired by my desires of wanting to get a 'high'
- if you've seen Pineapple Express, 'it's' like Saul Silver. I use 'it' because The Dude is an idea of a person and has no distinctive gender stuck to it but generally always 'high'
- when I am The Dude, you'll see me laughing senselessly, being silly, singing and dancing, can't focus more than a minute or at all
- it usually consumes me when I'm in no mood to do anything at all, usually when I'm highly stressed out
- music: doom metal, stoner metal - Mastodon, High on Fire, Celtic Frost
- orange


5. EVE [2008-present]
- inspired by my latest rock hero, Myles Kennedy, who is truly inspirational
- I have no specific image for it since she's basically me or what I'm trying to become now
- she is when I'm in my rock mood, calm, and very open
- she's open minded, terribly friendly, values her past experiences as a deserving lesson in life, always trying to find new things to experience or listen, awfully humble, treasures loved ones and friends
- music: Iron Maiden, Helloween, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Alter Bridge, Oasis, Travis, Muse, Radiohead, HURT, Sevendust
- colour: evergreen

6. AXEL ROZZ [2008-present]
- inspired by the character Neo from Matrix but unlike Neo, she's an anti-hero
- just picture me in Neo's outfit...without the shades
- she is when I'm being 'poyo' and selfish but poised at the same time
- she's very disciplined, a perfectionist, thinks for herself, never a leader but a right hand person. For more info, read my previous post 'Villainous I Am' from May. The more I think about it, maybe this is an older version of Banzai...hmph..
- music: death metal - Soilwork, Arch Enemy, In Flames, Carcass, Scar Symmetry
- colour: black

I am never just ONE. Much of the time it's 2 in 1. When I'm in solitary confinement sometimes they all keep me company. Making a decision would also require all their consent. Self-dialogue is fun no matter what others think. So you see, what I'm trying to point out here is that we all have our 'extremes', but I exaggerate to the point of naming each one and even giving them backgrounds. It's not a disorder, it's not multiple personality, it's a hobby.

So believe me when I say that my life is a movie.

That's pretty much it for now. We're all pretty beat from all the headbanging while trying to complete this post. Banzai and Axel are currently in a duo mosh pit right now...

Later days...

To be more than A person...

I guess I can assume that everybody generally knows what the condition 'multiple personality' means. But how would it feel to actually experience this mental 'disease'? Can you even tell if you actually are? And can you actually tell each personality from another? Could the 'change' be a temporary alternate ego sort of thing or a permanent 'turn a leaf' kind of thing? Can you even tell?

When you think about it, whoever made such classifications? Multiple personalities. It might not even be a mental disorder like many believes. There are many other explanations but why did we choose to categorize them as 'crazy'? I can't help to think that the world we live in is just too much of a box that we can hardly see our true reflection in the mirror. Of course it is never too late to break free from a pre-determined perspective but it's hard to figure out what to break free from. What should you focus on and what should be overlooked? Will our search ever end or more importantly, would it lead anywhere?

I'm just curious as to where these multiple personality people actually acquire their alternate selves. Through what I have previously read or heard, they are conjured from their unmet desires or a trauma. If that's so, then I think this 'disease' might just be our physiological way of dealing with it. The human mind's reaction to an action. The action in context has to be something that has constantly occupied the mind of the 'sufferer'. When you're craving for something it's bound to pop up in your mind 24/7. The same thing with traumatic events. So I believe these frequent thoughts may leave imprints in their minds, including how the body reacted towards it at that period of time and although later in life the 'sufferer' may think they have moved on, even up to the point of forgetting the desires or trauma, there is a dormant memory of how their whole body's reaction towards them. React by creating either defensive or offensive personalities towards these thought consumations. What makes the body choose one from the other? I think that has something to do with my usual thought of humanity, unstability. We live in a vast environment luxurious of stimulus and the individuality of a human mind just makes it a thousand times harder to pin point the actual cause.

I'm not sure if I can call it self protection but it is all in the mind. I don't know if this is what they are going through but it's just a thought. And not to say that I've been through it before but I think I have a mild example of how I think it works. I love listening to songs and I review different albums nearly every week. As I do this, I go through my every day aquarian changes of feelings, tantrums and behaviour affecting theories. If at one point in time I'm stuck with a particular band and their album of songs, I keep thinking about them nearly 24/7 as I try to study and pray as well. Their songs would be playing in my head day in, day out. And whatever type of attitude I had on at that particular time will be paired with that album. The pair leaves a memory and whenever I hear the stimulus (the songs), the attitude makes a comeback, the feelings return although I have moved on to become a better person or otherwise. I think everyone can relate to this type of event. But in multiple personality people, I guess their desires or fears were so strong that the memory comes back as a whole personality, knocking out the real self.

Hummph, I don't know if anybody who reads this would understand because I'm writing and developing ideas at the same time. If you know me, then you'd know I'm bad at juggling tasks.

Damn that was a hard topic to think of but I'm still not satisfied. I know there are books or websites all around to read from but I'm trying to make my own versions of perspective and think outside the box.

Later be the days...

Laguku bes?!!

Brook! During the numerous blackouts today I opened the door to my room to let the air currents flow. During so, I just played carelessly on my guitar thinking that the other roomies wouldn't even be bothered to study since the light is being rather bitchy. I was working on my latest song [#3: Depth of Illusion(unconfirmed title)] which still needs work. I played up to the part where I had to work on so I stopped to think, then a roomie knocked on my door and asked,
Her : "Kak, nak tanye. Ape tajuk lagu nih?"
Edd : "Umm..tak tau lagi, baru buat,"
Her : "Lagu akak?!"
Edd : "A'ah,"
Her : "Laa ye ke?! best la kak. Saya dok dgr gak time akak main, saya ingatkan lagu sape la, nanti nak cari. Lagu akak ke? bes laa!"
Edd : "Oh ye ke? hahaha..tankyu2..ahaha. Akak baru buat hari Isnin baru nih, lom siap lg kot"
Her : "Oh, akak buat la kaset,"
Edd : "Ahahaha...tgk la dlu..ahaha!" - awkward...did not know how to respond
Her : "bes tau," - then goes off to toilet
Edd : "Okay, tankyu!"

Waahh...that was a first and it felt incredible. I'm still smiling now, it's been an hour. Good thing my songs aren't metal or I'd envision myself being kicked out of this apartment. I'm sky high right now..aaaaaahh.

Okay...later be the days!

Songs So Deep, Turns Me On

After much consideration, I decided to post this anyway since I'm happy creating new songs. The numbers are according to sequence in time.

1. This I Promise You by N*Sync
- listening to this makes me cringe nowdays, aaaahhh the 90s

2. The Scientist by Coldplay
- still loving it

3. Suralaya Dalam D Major by Amy Search
- haven't heard it for a while. can't even find a link for it on youtube

4. Swallowed in the Sea by Coldplay
- aaaaahh makes me want to forget my phobia of the sea

5. I Won't See You Tonight Pt.1 by Avenged Sevenfold
- the most romanticly metal for me so far

6. Glorious by Muse
- mmg bhn khayalan la

7. Nude by Radiohead
- keeps me in bed on Sunday mornings

8. Watch Over You by Alter Bridge
- sad sad song of a lost loved one...to drugs

9. Don't Walk Away by The Mayfield Four
- I won't even think of such things!

10. White Flag by The Mayfield Four
- makes me feel I'm in love [dream on]

11. Sorrow by Sevendust ft. Myles Kennedy
- FEEL...

12. Everything Changes by Staind
- emo+sad!

13. Danse Russe [raw version] by HURT
- this piece just fills up my insides [p/s: for better sound quality go to my myspace link]

these are some of the ones that I can remember...hope I didn't miss some of the bests.

later days...

eff-off PMS !!

Oh Brook how I despise this part of being a female. Not that I'm a fan of the other features but I'm not complaining...yet [keeping pregnancy in mind..DAMN]. While this won't be the major topic here, I'll just mention what it has done to me. Let's just say I'm seeing my old self again...nuff sed. If this goes on any longer I think I should eventually see someone about it before dejavu really takes over.

Recently I'v got my old poetic mood again. I finally managed to write the right lyrics for this rhythm I had playing on the guitar for God knows how long. All I needed was one quiet night with Brook [my old journal] opened up before me. After I was done, I flipped a few pages back to read my previous compositions. Amazingly enough, it was like reading off a stranger's confession of their suicidal tendencies. But no shame because it serves as a reminder of what I have felt. I do hope I'd be able to find the right melody for the short poetic ones and turn them into emo songs...that would be so...emo, it'll be so gay. The more-than-one-page rants? I might post some of the good ones. No, I'll never burn them because although hatred feeds the beast in me, the beast is one hell of a writer [haha!].


Aaaahh, songwriting, what joy it brings me. Let's all make our own songs and sing honesty from our hearts [...drunk hippy]. I posted a fake dark, emo post a few weeks ago hoping it would ignite the rage of my beast within. Well let me inform you that it failed. Although the post itself was considerable enough, the lyrical content for my latest song [2nd original] seems to be short of any dark thoughts or deathly influences. It was actually my view on how love can destroy one's soul. Having no experience, I guess you can say it reflects my fear of falling in love. Like my first work - which is yet to be named - the music is sweet but the lyrics are sad and thoughtfull [influenced by My Brightest Diamond and Feist]. For a metalhead, I can't say I'll ever come up with my own metal song. Metal is purely one of the greatest form of art ever to be summoned from the pits of hell \,,/ . I kneel before it's greatness.
Wait a minute, I already have a few Helloween and DragonForce influenced poems...hmmm.

LATER days..
p/s: missing Firdaus

NO MORE BOOKS!! WANT TO RAYA!!

Seriously Brook, I can't gather my mind to study anymore. With 3 more days to go, who can? And why in the hell are there still classes on Raya's eve?!! Not to mention clinics! OK..no more of my uni crap, because of it, it'll be my first time celebrating 1st day of Raya in Bangi and not in Kelantan with all the other families and not to mention my lovely cousins. And because of that we'll be having the annual 8-hour journey on the same day after the morning prayers, what a way to celebrate an incredibly joyous day. Well it's not all up to me, my brother is in the same situation too, work up to Raya's eve and only having 2 days off. Grrrr to the gov authorities!

Brook: So, I hear you're staying alone in your apartment for the weekends. What's up with that?
Edd: Yeah, I know. Most un-bodacious! My social meter is deteriorating so fast I wish I have a Sims cheat to keep it stable.
Brook: OMG Edd, purple? [whisper]
Edd: shut up [whisper]
Brook: [cont] Then why don't you just go home?
Edd: I'm gonna, trust me. I just needed some time alone to get the juicy inspirations back into my blood. I've got a new tune on the guitar so I'll be going home in a few hours.
Brook: What else have you done in your time alone?
Edd: Well...I've been bored.


That's my solo breakfast meal bought from a nearby baazar. Not homecooked but there wasn't much choice and tea is a must!









Teman hidup.











Teman hidup sorang lagi. My mistress, Vypress...ahaha!











Tempat dating ngan mistress.








And stay in there, I've no time to babysit you guys anymore..uhuhu!











My well-managed food and beverage bar. The only thing I lack is stock. Closing in on the holidays, food stock diminishes.










Let's look outside. Wow, if I had parkour skills I'd be able to make that jump and break into that apartment. I wonder what I'd find.










Don't give me that look young man. You've got a great deal of things to learn in your life ahead and utter boredom is one of them.










The other view. Not much life in colour. Or is it my phone cam?








That's not funny Firdaus. Taula parents awak ade hp canggih...even your pic here is full of life..aaawwww!









Come on people! Seed me! The download is so slow! I need this before Raya!!











Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri & Maaf Zahir Batin

Later days...

So it begins...

A chapter full of hate and denial...

hurt by fantasmica

Last week, the turmoil that complicated my last year's life made a comeback. I thought it was the monthly feme-zilla syndrome but today I felt it again. In the morning's class as she lectured away, I felt that deep tug in my gut and I heard myself saying, "I don't want to be like her, I don't want to be like them all". I felt so disgusted I wanted to get out but that wouldn't stop the sickness inside.

What can I do?

I look back in time when I was in the Dragon Lady's lair, confronting the war inside me. She gave me the choices of which she would choose. Choices that were impossible for me simply because I'm her complete opposite. She advised me to analyze the disturbance within and get to the root of the problem. I have come up with too many good reasons to be called as the main excuse even before those words were said.

My choice was to either disappoint my family or disappoint myself. I can't loose my family because in no others do I trust and with that I would die. So I'll sacrifice myself and try to be happy. Mask the hate that fuels my veins. I thought it would work but clearly the cover is wearing thin and I fear they would notice soon. Honestly I have been putting in a lot of effort trying to make this chance a better deal for me. I guess the fact remains that this is not what I am constructed for. Something is not aligned in my life right now or else I wouldn't hate as much.

What is my function in this world? Where am I supposed to be? Where is my calling? Or is this all just me being delusional? Not able to separate fantasy from reality. Denying reality.

If I had talent, I'd know. If I had money, I'd go. If I had passion, I'd follow.

My passion, music and writing. But that's as far as I can think for myself, the rest of this consciousness is holding me back. Fear is pinning me down like a dog on it's leash. Fear that loved ones would not approve. I look around and hear stories of people in the same situation but making it out alive and graduating succesfully. I can't seem to do that because my mind has fully rejected the idea and I can't proceed.

I see them walk around in white coats, converse in a professional manner, express their passion of the industry, and my mind is just screaming for me to get out. Is it not supposed to end in peace? Like any other war fought on this deteriorating chunk of molten rock, no. Blood will be spilt and lives will be lost. The question is who's?

Later days.

ps: True story but I'm not really that lost or hurt. This is the super exaggerated version. I'm just getting into mood of writing new songs. Hahahaha!! Gotcha!

No photos?!

Oh darn, BROOK! I unbelievably forgot to take a single photo of today's major event. My big family gathered at our house today for 'breakfast'. I guess we were having too much of a good time that the minor importance of photos to validate a moment in time simply slipped our minds. Dammit!x3.

I wasn't really hanging out with the rest much anyways, I was giving someone a personal lesson in life. A guitar lesson. A terribly basic guitar lesson of which I am only able to afford. I wish I had more to give but being a student myself to the mighty instrument with the web as my tutor in lessons, I either understand less or differently from the official schooling. Anyways...it made me realize how far I've come and though petite the progress in time, it's all worth it. If life can appear along with death, then I too have gained in reparation of my loss.

okay..I'm sleepy..but still want to go and play Sims2..so later days.

ps: sorry no pics.

Keep on wishing...

Dear BROOK,
I'm in my one week holiday now but as I have feared, I have been struck by gastritis a few times now. Very mild but the fear of self defect is there. I know in the past I have deliberately inflicted pain and injury onto this borrowed, fleshy vessel but gastritis is not the cool type of pain dudes...you can't move and you feel like it's sucking you in. A whole new center of gravity...a donut ring in your abs.

Anyway, today I'll just list down a few things I wish I had but I know I'll never get them because it's either unnecessary, illegal, impossible in nature or sick in nature. Oh and it won't necessarily be in a ranking position.

1. A sniper rifle

my falcon

Okay so this kinda tops my list. I would definitely have this if I was Axel Rozz [from previous post]. I don't know if everybody shares this fantasy but I would love to be up in a tower and under super-stealth camouflage, pop out the little creatures down below. Not necessarily human [as in enemies..not innocent bystanders like in GTA3..oh yeah]...zombies or aliens would do too.

2. My pyramid mansion

this is the mini, solid version..ehem

This was my essay masterpiece in form 4. It was about my dream of living in a titanium pyramid all by myself with each floor bearing different themes for different functions. Why? Because I've been passionate about the ancient Egyptians since I was 9, not so much now though. This obviously screams solitaire into my personal resume.

3. A 1977 Firebird Trans Am

my firebird

Oh yeah dudes!! If I am ever going to own a car, this will be my sweet sweet ride. My bro can have Kitt, all I want is you.

4. A movie deal

my fiction

With all my screenplays, I get to be the producer, director, and star role. This wish, I know, a triple long shot. I don't really want it, it's just where I hope all my writing would be put to good use.

5. A rock band [both the game and the real thing]

this is the game

YEAH!! nuff said...I'll be on bass.

6. Become Axel Rozz

prepare to die

Duh! Of course I wanna be her...but there's no villain good enough to collaborate with.

7. A 800G brain

my brain?

Alright! All I need to do is connect and upload. No fuss, no hassle. What speed? As fast as possible [AFAP].

8. The power of invisibility

okay that's just me being creepy...but close enough

This is the true power. I need no fortune, I need no fame, the world is my b***h. [hahaha..oh gosh that was so evil I'm so proud of myself...high 5!!]

9. Endless stock to all my metal doses!!

my iTunes.. downloading..dragonforce, annihilator, and hurt.

Oh wait, I already have this. NEXT!

10. A MacBook Air

my piece

I dunno why really, it's so slick and mobile maybe. I can do a lot of destruction with this piece of technology strapped to my back as I shoot across the plains escaping my enemy's sight. But seriously though, who wouldn't want one?!!

Okay I've run out of ideas but looking back at all the things in the list...it's obvious that I'm easily affected by spy movies. Only I'm twisting it a little, I'll be an anti-hero. Ohoho!

This is nice, lists are fun. I'll do more for my next entries.

Later days...

SinS Galore !!

Okay, I can no longer deny the fact that I'm one of the devilish beings but not in the anger factor I mentioned in my previous Ramadhan post.

I don't know why but the same thing happened during last year's Ramadhan too. I get myself deep in metal, so very deep. It was last year that I discovered the compelling amount of metal's sub-genres and various bands from them. Thanks a lot Wikipedia! This year, as you can see in my list of current addictions, they're all metal based radio channels from live365. It's an internet radio with gazillions other channels to choose from. Not just metal, so do not despair. So of course from these international radios I'm constantly introduced to bands either I've never heard of before or I have but never had the time to check em' out. So imagine what meg@3on [my laptop] is doing staying up 24/7. meg@pod [my Ipod] still has space so I don't think I'll stop anytime soon.

Anyway, with 'presidentl' and 'herrRaven' channels being suspended from YouTube, I no longer have anything to feed my hunger and thirst for Ghost Hunters episodes. It's like I have to fast on them too. Haha! Thus...live365 comes back into consideration.

busy me

I know, I know...the time isn't right. But trust me, I'm busting my whole existence to counter balance my metal sessions with a lot of Quran reading and in the future, the xxtra prayers.

Speaking of which, gotta get some of it done so LATER DAYS...

Dear Diabolic Dean...

Brook!
I know I promised not to mention any stories from my side of life as a student in the dent fac but today's incident is kind of necessary. It's nothing big but I'll be honest in stating my opinions of it so, colleagues beware!

the face says it all

As usual on Friday mornings, lectures on Oral Surgery. Today was the dean's turn [he's not really diabolic, I just liked the way it sounded] and he LOVE's asking questions. Testing us if we actually understand what we were being taught or at least the meaning of commonly used words. Yes, very normal and very relevant but the way he does it, to me it's disgusting. And many other students have that sense of negativity towards him too but maybe in other ways.

So I entered the classroom and as the other studs were filling in, I recognized a pattern, the same thing happened when I was with their seniors last year. They left the front 4 rows empty and crowded at the back. No offense but WHAT THE HELL??!! That's absurd! I know they didn't want to be the victim of his frequent bombardment of stomach-quenching questions but how in the hell would stepping back 4 rows was going to help them escape? As I said, fucking absurd! Other than that, it was fucking rude! I just couldn't grab the rationale of doing such a thing. We're practically adults but we still make choices like we did back in pre-school years. And I thought I was the one being left behind in maturing.

They preach unity [not all but I know a few] but here is where they subconsciously reveal their selfishness. When you're faced with a problem, you have 2 main choices: Get through it or run from it. If you choose the previous, then there's 2 other choice: Face it headstrong or by sucking up to it. I think they chose neither and was simply being obnoxious. What should've been done was to join up forces and strike. Today, I tried to make them [the juniors] sit in the front rows with me, like I did last year, but it's hard when you're the only one believing in something. The majority thinking always wins but they're not always right and I am never going to succumb to the saying, 'If you can't beat them, join them'. Maybe that's one of the reasons why I feel relieved leaving them. But today I found myself trapped in dejavu, here it goes again [does the OkGo treadmill dance].

Other than that, back to the lecture, a few people did eventually sit next to me but only after the dean enquired of their actions. Then he started with the questions, finally leading to "what is the meaning of pain?" While he asked a few people I formulated my own answer on a piece of paper. In the end he came to me with the same question and I answered, "the sensation inflicted by any hurting factor." He quickly pulled the mic and said, "bla3, I couldn't even understand what you just said." And goes off to ask other studs. They laughed at the scene. Okay fine, so maybe I mumbled a bit but he didn't even give me a chance to clearly restate it. If he did hear my answer he certainly didn't want the others to hear it from me. If he didn't hear it then obviously he's already full of himself by assuming nobody can answer his simple question. When nobody could provide a satisfying answer he finally said, "Pain is the sensation when your are hurt in mind or body." ...
Not to boast but my answer was the closest anybody could get. It practically means the same thing except for the mind and body part or as I would put it, emotionally and physically. You know where I'm going with this. I don't think he wants anyone to correctly answer him, because then he wouldn't be able to lavish in the glory of being the only one right or the only one with a thought. Now, how are we supposed to look up to a prick like that?

Well, I hope that's the last of it. Sorry for the harsh language and sorry to those who were offended in the process of me making my point. I apologize but I have to stick to my principles of being honest. The truth hurts and that's the truth.

Later days...

Ramadhan is peeping in !!

Yay, Brook! It's gonna be the holy month of Ramadhan in a few days! I can't wait, I love Ramadhan and I think everybody, I mean every Muslim should [No, that wasn't a commanding sentence, no more commanding].

WHY? Here we go...

1. It's a period of realignment.
As Islam is in every aspect of our life, fasting can be very beneficial without you realizing it's effects until you're reading it off flyers abundantly being passed around as reminders in this time of month.
I see Ramadhan [this includes the fasting laa] as a car wash. We go in all battered up here and there, deprived in every way, the mind is heavily torn, even the soul wants to get out! We should get the best out of this coming one as if it will be our last and struggle with all the merit collection...ibadah laa. It's hard, I know, but you will feel very fulfilled once it ends. 10 times the feeling of passing up your final exams paper. No, I haven't felt it but that's what my Ma told me. And I agree because I'm usually never the best example of 'hamba Allah' and everytime Ramadhan ends I feel regretful and kind of hollow. So I know if I buck up and keep it up through the whole month, I can turn the whole tree of consequences upside down. Get all fixed. It's not getting reborn or resetting to default configuration but it can lift you up a level.
Exit the car wash with a tailored interior and gleaming exterior. The spirit all polished to face another year of trials in life.

2. Everyone will be on anger management...hopefully

Because it's generally understood that anger and hatred is a little towards the dark side a.k.a. the devil, we should be free of it when they're [the devils] not even around to provoke it in us. If not then we are the devil...akakaka! Or at least devilish.
I'm hoping I can rid it off me. It's been a while since I've flipped though. I find myself recovering from an episode of tantrum quicker then I usually do. I try to laugh it out loud instead of telling people off or just simply change the environment to switch it off. Maturity? Well, if you consider being rasional is matured, then I guess I am matured...in that aspect of self-control.

3. Family dinner [fast-breaking @ breakfast] becomes special and is of top priority!
I don't think I need to explain this.

4. An excuse to end the day early.
Because it's tiring not getting a bite to eat for 13 hours! That is no excuse, it's pure logic! Even when I was an elementary schooler in England, we were told to stay inside the classroom when the other kids had to go out play in the playground, just so we won't tire easily and can last the whole day since they don't allow us Muslim kids to go home early just because we're fasting. And here's a confession, I cheated on fasting a lot during those times. Always popping in some food in my mouth when nobody's looking.

5. Raya preps...oooh!!
As a student, I can't really feel this anymore. It used to be the best times ever. I miss it dearly. Baking Raya cookies with my sibs, widening those pockets for all the Raya money, the incredible search for new shoes, and I think losing weight was once part of the prep when I was in high school. All these little things [except the weight thing] can be the joys of life for a kid. It's a shame to lose it but somehow we can't agree with it while we're on this voyage.

I'm sure there's a lot more that I missed but I've already taken up enough of my studying session for the night. So, good luck for this Ramadhan.

Later days...

Falling Slowly...

The title is subjective to various perspectives. To me it simply means 'floating', either in or out of love, self-configuration, or norm.

I'm just buying time until my clock strikes 2am. I decided to hit the bed at 2am and so it shall be. I came up with a few more theories and revelations of my psychological growth. Unfortunately, a few things were of higher priority than jotting them down so I need to remind myself to spend a little sit-down-time with Brook in the near future.

Just bought myself a food cabinet to store all the nit-bits needed to flourishly supply my greedy little tummy at night especially with the Ramadhan month just creeping around the bends. Only wished I brought my screwdriver too. Darn it!

Oh and of course, I now have Celcom Broadband thus, I now have the world at my fingertips. If only I have enough brain cells to store at least 1/4 it's content. Possible? Yes...in a way.

IT'S 2!! Later days... Halt! This is my shortest entry ever!! Hahaha!

Olympics 2008...the fight for humanity

What a great show the Chinese put on yesterday for the opening ceremony. The lights were amazing, the scroll was awesome. I just pity the Chinese girls and guys being the borders, they had to do that clapping cheering thingy for hours! But they did it anyhow, for the country they love.

See, that's something I lack. Nationalism was never my thing, it's not that I don't love this country. I'm thankful because this is the only country where I can walk around freely being myself, not having to fear any racial or religious attacks [it exists but at the utmost minimal level]. I'm an individualist, a selfish brat that lives for thyself and thy family only. I guess that's why it's hard for me to trust people, even when people begin to trust me I try to shed it off by doing things they wouldn't expect. Trust, to me is like an attachment. But it's okay if the link isn't that clustering, like I can go off for months without talking to this trustee but I can still come back and ask a favour. Unfortunately there aren't that many people who can tolerate that kind of behaviour and logically thinking, nobody should. So, okay I get that and I'm sorry. But I get really uncomfortable when I'm around people other than family for too long. That's an ego of mine other than the 'pink' issue.

But anyway, the Olympics to me is a noble fight for the last strand of humanity left in everyone of us. Everybody is preaching for world peace but nobody actually believes in it. If they do then they shouldn't. But the games show that they are willing to try and bring everyone together. I'm not saying it's impossible, in a cruel world like this anything is possible. But if by any chance we do get absolute peace, there wouldn't be anything left to live for. So we don't want war between nations, but killings and corruption won't cease to stop.

Actually when you think about it, is the Olympics really the symbol of unity? They're fighting amongst themselves. Okay, so athletes are professionals and they have sportsmanship, I respect that. Maybe it's just me, I fail to see the whole point because I'm too caught up in my own kingdom of metal and fairy tales.

Anyhow, this is my last week staying at home. Tomorrow I'm off to college, so no more waking too early in the morning to catch the train every weekday. I'm gonna miss that. Including the free net connection...huhuhu! There could be a chance I won't be staying at college anymore next year. My brother told me of his plans to purchase an apartment somewhere in KL and he's asking me to be his housemate. Cool. But it's just a plan in mind.

Laters...

Metallic as in everything...

What a hell of a long time since I've written...again. If you've been reading some of the previous posts you would know that I'm back to my ancient old routine by now...classes and clinics and shyte. But whatever...my posts are clean out of em'. I've been too caught up with classes, house chores [still enjoying em' since I'm still at home], and Nazrin Firdaus [the new hot stuff].

A few things I'm glad having back are my big bro [fresh from England] and METAL!! My bro brought back all his Jap dorama collection and those Morning Musume shyte..and he knows I'm gonna get my head all wrapped up around it in no time, though I think my metal vibe is stronger than ever now, and I might not even commit this time around. Who knows? If I do get into deep Jap mode it'd only last a few months or so, as it usually do, but metal or rock is how I live it. To be honest with you, being back in 'you know where' kind of threatens my newly formed principles and way of thinking. I guess breaking the habit is harder than I thought [Damn you Linkin Park!!]

I know it's kinda ridiculous to look up to rockstars as role models of principles and philosophy, but who said they are my only ones. Take in the good and f**k the bad, when in doubt just throw it the hell out. I am trying my hardest to level out with myself...man that sounds selfish in a good way...haha!! Balance in life is hard and nearly impossible to achieve and though it does hurt trying but at least you're gaining experience in your efforts. Futile it is not!

One other issue that's getting my principles all jumbled up was boy trouble. Not that I have a boyfriend to give me any but there is this guy who is wanting to be more than friends. Disgusted as I was at first, a few weeks later I find myself excited waiting for his call. Fortunately, I managed to come to my senses quickly [thanx Syirol] and shove all that crush crap down the effin drain. What a load of sentimental humanoid shyte! Someday maybe but not now please. Although, I'm still keeping him as a friend because he's a metalhead and with my type of personality out in the open, they are hard to come by.

Vypress, my guitar!! I hardly touched you in the holidays and I've got the soft finger pads to prove it! Huhuhu!! But that's one more thing coming back now..yay! Trying to play James Morrison, Travis, and OneRepublic. I know, I know..they're no metal mongers, but come on, I can't really play metal on an acoustic guitar. Plus I'm no narrow minded metalhead, I'm generally a music enthusiast.

What else? I'm trying to drain all the updates out so that I can go silence for a few more weeks. hahaha..I might be kidding there.

Ghost Hunters!! Heee~ A topic for another day.

Sorry for being low on pics..I've been too busy and lazy to capture the moments on a digicam.

That's enough for now so LATERS!!

My New No.1 Villain !! ~sorry Darth Maul

Prince Nuada

After watching Hellboy 2: The Golden Army yesterday, I just can't stop thinking about the villain in it. He's an ultimate fighter, ambitious, vicious, smooth and of course, Brit accented. He is Prince Nuada, son of the Elf King. He fights for his right as an elf to live freely in his world, the forests, even if it means killing off mankind [mostly city folks] who cares not for the natural beauty they deliberately destroy to gain more power over the lands. He cares not for fame and fortune. His title as a prince is way beyond deserving than the princes in the human world.

I too think his father, the king, is too weak. Surrendering to the dictating human mind and fooling himself that doing nothing is the only choice for survival [but if you find yourself in a real-life hostage situation, please ignore the criticism for it is true, just not so in the movies]. If they want to remain on this earth they should reveal themselves as they are no more than fairytales in the human world.

Other than that mega fighting spirit, he has skills man! This, I have to applaud actor Luke Goss for putting in so much effort into the fight scenes. Actually they are the only parts worth watching the movie for.

I don't know about the comic versions and all but I think some scenes are just truly unnecessary. Plus, Liz! What the heck is your function in the movie other than being the bitchy girlfriend and pregnant to Red's twins?! She keeps holding a gun around in a fierce yet blank stance but fails to do anything until the end. That goes the same to you too Abe. If my Axel Rozz character was in this movie, she'd definitely, no doubt would be fighting on Prince Nuada's side, other than falling in love with him. I had to make that a statement.

So he looks like a corpse with a post-mortem job done on his face but hey, look at Darth Maul. It suits him anyway. Lovely beasts.

All and all, for this movie I rate it 7/10 stars. Mainly for the fighting scenes of Prince Nuada, stunts, special effects and costumes. The puppets look fine and if they didn't try to make them look like they're talking I might've given 7.5/10. Some scenes give negative points and you can thank Liz for that. Selma Blair is not to blame though, I like her style.

Later days.

Making The Most

Haha Brook, 3 days in a row I've managed to be unbelievably responsible...seriously getting caught up at every minute of every hour. All is taking place smoothly as if it was meant to happen, as if I'm on my definite track to glory. I think the birth of my new nephew, Nazrin Firdaus has something to do with this.

I'm finally an aunt and with my mom busy caring for her 1st grandchild and his mom, I feel that it is my duty to keep everything else at the lowest cluttered state as possible. I wish this thing in me would last, I really don't mind doing all the chores and all the driving anymore. 1 thing's for sure, it's keeping me fit and that's the best side effect one could ever wish for.

This is without a doubt the best 2 month holiday EVER. I've done a lot although remaining at the same site, my parent's house. I guess all in all, taking part in contributing to others does make you feel like a whole better person. I can be really selfish in conversations but labour work is something I'd prefer over 5 years of you know what, but in my case, 6 years.

I wanted to post a cool personality test I found a few weeks ago but I can't seem to find it anymore. I was half asleep when I found it anyway. I googled it then but I can't remember what I typed anymore. For 2 days I tried retracing my steps but all effort turns futile. Damn! Oh well, at least I remember mine.
It lists a few choices of superhero powers and asks you to pick 1 and only 1 power. I picked invisibility. Later below it gives a description of what type of person you are and what type of career path suitable for each certain characteristic. Mine was dead on, a writer or a private investigator. I'd like to add assassin to that list since they are similar to a P.I. prior the execution.

Later days.

6 days to go...

Dear Brook,

What a mistake to be doing this countdown until D-day. But nevermind, if it's the only thing that'll get me writing again then so be it. Since I already wrote an entry last night and I woke astonishingly early this morning -in shock of the tremendous amount and degree of responsibilities laying ahead of me, be it in family and studies-, this one is gonna sweat me out.

I know!

I'v been somewhat a part of a project with my younger brother. I'm supervising his 'Gays Cooking Club'. The name is silly, I know, but he and his friends are 16 years below so who cares. Other than that I'm also the camera dude, recording the moments of history where 3 boys test their hands at cooking. We started about 2 weeks ago when my brother, J.E. came up with the idea while watching pastry chef Anna Olsen on 'Sugar', AFC. I, being the fabulously supportive big sister, of course agreed on the spot. So far, they've made an apple pie, pretzels, and lasagna. Today will be cookie day. According to JE, they'll be making peanut butter, chocolate, and butter. 3 boys, 3 recipes, 3 main events, busy busy busy.

Apple Pie [Success!] - we used Anna Olsen's recipe from AFC's official website.

Comments: It was a little too sweet because we couldn't make out how much was 1 cup. We might have overdosed on the orange zest too.





Pretzels [Easy!] - I have no idea where we got it from so I'm just gonna give it to you below. Even the pic isn't my original because the camera was charging at that time.

Ingredients:
Makes 6 large or 12 small pretzels.
* 3 1/2 C (1/2 kg) of flour
* 4 Tbsp. brown sugar
* 2 tsp. (12 g) salt (sea salt preferably)
* 1 Tbsp. (12 g) yeast, dissolved in 1 C (237 g) water that's fairly warm but not hot (120°F, 49°C)

The following ingredients are for coating the pretzels before baking (step 7-8):
* 1 Tbsp. (14 g) baking soda dissolved in 1 C (237 g) boiling water
* 1 egg beaten with 1 teaspoon water in a small bowl
* (Optional) Vegetable

Steps:
1. Mix brown sugar, salt, and the yeast and water mixture in a food processor or a large mixing bowl. Add flour and mix until the dough is smooth. If the dough is sticky, add a little more flour. If possible, let the dough sit overnight in a plastic container in the fridge. NOTE: the dough will rise overnight by as much as a third, so be sure to use a large enough container!
2. Divide the dough into 4, 6 or 12 pieces. Roll each piece into a rope. If you're working with 12 pieces, make the ropes very thin, a little bigger than a pencil. If you're making 4, you can roll them to about cigar thickness and 36 inches (almost a meter) long.
3. Shape a single rope into an upside down "U" on your table. Bring the ends together and twist them as shown.
4. Bring them to the top of the pretzel. Flatten the ends with your fingers and press in the dough to secure, making it look like a pretzel. Place on a greased cookie sheet.
5. Repeat the previous two steps with the remaining pieces of dough and place them on the cookie sheet, too.
6. Allow the pretzels to raise for 30 minutes -- until they've about doubled in size.
7. Brush with the water-soda solution. Or, for a chewier crust, mix 2 Tbsp. (24 g) baking soda with 4 C (1 kg) boiling water and drop the pretzel in there for about the count of 10 and then lift out with a strainer or pancake turner.
8. Brush the pretzels with the egg and water mixture. This gives the pretzel a nice, shiny glaze. Then sprinkle with toppings like:
• coarse salt (see Tips below)
• garlic and Parmesan cheese
• Cinnamon and sugar
• sesame seeds
9. Bake in a pre-heated oven 400° to 450° F (225° C) for 10 to 15 minutes or until browned. Carefully remove from the oven and place on a sheet of aluminum foil to cool.

Comments: To me, it was deliciously simple. But the boys weren't satisfied with the taste and the challenge it failed to provide. Poyo je. But then again, I never tasted an actual pretzel.

Lasagna [Improvised!] - we used a recipe from Allrecipes titled Easy Lasagna I.

Comments: They improvised a lot on this one since a lot of the ingredients weren't available near our local supermarkets. Some cheeses had to be replaced and surprisingly, lasagna noodles weren't to be found. So instead, they lined spaghetti noodles on top of the meat sauce. This was a very funny episode.

From what I've seen, either the boys can't understand the kitchen language or they're constantly looking for short cuts. I'm excited for today!

Until tomorrow!

Jitters of the remaining week...

Woaw it's been a while...a long 3 weeks while. I haven't been as busy but instead I've been watching a lot of Discovery and NatGeo's programs. Not so much going on online anymore. Finished all the movies and music downloads so the laptop stays lifeless throughout most of the days, only peeking in every now and then to chat with the abroad.

I'm running thin on thoughts so I haven't been writing as much as before. Inspiration is hard to come by with a hustling atmosphere in the background. Plus I'm pushing myself to go all physical, get fit, eat fit [this one is hard]. Training myself to go the extra mile and beat the boundries, hopefully it'll be a breeze once I have to go into training under ATMa. Damn, that was a mistake. But how was I to know that my priorities and principles were gonna be tossed around reforming and discovering. Oh well, once it's all up and done I can be proud to tick it off my list of experiences. Including this dentistry business.

After graduating [with Allah's will] I'm planning to take a dive into either forensics or zoology to redeem my past goals. So I'll either be working on a corpse or a tiger. If I go into forensics, I might further into psychology later on, become an expert on murderers such as in 'Most Evil'. But that's a long shot away. There are always the alternatives that I won't mention here because most might not agree on me taking the path.

Last month I wanted to write on the subject of personalities and how I am one who takes it very seriously. I like to see the groups of personalities one might have, analyze their actions and what influenced it. It's easier to see it in the kids I'm taking care of at the daycare. At that young of age, you can see clearly how they reflect their parents, their prime role models. Others include Ultramen, Power Rangers and the many manga/anime characters. Innocent? According to my experience, not really.

My sister just gave birth to a baby boy today at around 2am. His name? Uncertain, for his parents just realized the name they were planning on was identical to one of our cousins. So, let us wait and see. According to my mom, his birth is the best birthday gift ever. I agree.

Until I have time to virtually blabber off again, later days.