hurt by fantasmicaWhat can I do?
I look back in time when I was in the Dragon Lady's lair, confronting the war inside me. She gave me the choices of which she would choose. Choices that were impossible for me simply because I'm her complete opposite. She advised me to analyze the disturbance within and get to the root of the problem. I have come up with too many good reasons to be called as the main excuse even before those words were said.
My choice was to either disappoint my family or disappoint myself. I can't loose my family because in no others do I trust and with that I would die. So I'll sacrifice myself and try to be happy. Mask the hate that fuels my veins. I thought it would work but clearly the cover is wearing thin and I fear they would notice soon. Honestly I have been putting in a lot of effort trying to make this chance a better deal for me. I guess the fact remains that this is not what I am constructed for. Something is not aligned in my life right now or else I wouldn't hate as much.
What is my function in this world? Where am I supposed to be? Where is my calling? Or is this all just me being delusional? Not able to separate fantasy from reality. Denying reality.
If I had talent, I'd know. If I had money, I'd go. If I had passion, I'd follow.
My passion, music and writing. But that's as far as I can think for myself, the rest of this consciousness is holding me back. Fear is pinning me down like a dog on it's leash. Fear that loved ones would not approve. I look around and hear stories of people in the same situation but making it out alive and graduating succesfully. I can't seem to do that because my mind has fully rejected the idea and I can't proceed.
I see them walk around in white coats, converse in a professional manner, express their passion of the industry, and my mind is just screaming for me to get out. Is it not supposed to end in peace? Like any other war fought on this deteriorating chunk of molten rock, no. Blood will be spilt and lives will be lost. The question is who's?
Later days.
ps: True story but I'm not really that lost or hurt. This is the super exaggerated version. I'm just getting into mood of writing new songs. Hahahaha!! Gotcha!
5 comments:
hey dude .. seems deep inside u,u are hiding a true story about ur own life. talk it out if u need to,may help u ..
whoever you r...thanx for reading. i tried talking it out, nearly destroyed me bcoz nobody could understand how i feel. so now i decide to bury it. it seeps out once in a while. but i hv God on my side
each human .. animals too might be .. may hav their own stories of their own lives.
i belief .. there will be up and down stories absolutely. but of course bro, there will be none the same ..
bcoz why??
bcoz we r not them and they r not us.sounds funny haha
as u said .. the one which always be beside u is Allah
The One that actually the director of our lives' stories.
we play the role and the God will decide the outcomes of it.
choose to be a killer .. then a dark nightmare horror filem will be the suite genere it's gonna be.
be an authoritive killer - soldier etc - will be listed under holy honored job to be done.
although God will decide each inch of our whole lives' stories .. still, we are the character that we choose to be.
hey .. haha i donno wat i'm trying to say here.well that's it .. wat i wanna say.
well i believed it was a mistake choosing this highway im at now, thats y i wantd out so much i endd up hurtg myself [literally or not]. but as i said, many was at stake, includg losing trust of loved ones.
but that was then. now, im jus tryg to keep it headstrong n charge into this mess. n i must say im doing bttr. i still dont think i'll conform to this industry but iv gone too far to make a u-turn so i jus hv to keep goin until i find my break..even if it means graduatg.
i was too obsessd at findg my absolute purpose in life that i forgot i already have a life. my past years of chronic depression was keepg me from living it. it evn gave me a disease.
so now i belive, evn if it was a mistake, it's still a life worth living. this is my challenge in life. evryday i keep telling myself, "just get it done and move on". one day i will.
whoever u are...thanQ 4 replyg.
"i was too obsessd at findg my absolute purpose in life that i forgot i already have a life"
purpose of life .. we all need to be very cleared of it.torchlight doesn't enough to find it,u need or correction,we need spotlights to show the path that we suppose to walk on.
and those lights is coming just from the One.but we are served with guidence to find those lights .. right?
then ,make use of it..
thank God if u admit that u r doing better, but i belive u cn be higher much better.
life is too short to be regrated with.
so,why do we live??
open up ur heart and let iman show u the way..
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