The Third

The charm, they say. But miss then strike out, they say. I say I don't believe in any of that. I say luck is an illusion of a blinded optimist and fate is the script of a realist. Opportunists are scavengers of this virtual world and I am somewhat a series of empty canvases.

It's hard to believe anything you read or hear or watch today. As long as you are breathing you are vulnerable to lies. Trust can only go to a certain extent until it too may falter.  

We can only rely on a few true sources. But when that too becomes the target of corruption then it gives a reason for humanity to fail. A reason for the world to end. Theories upon theories are built up, piled onto each other, just so they would erase the fear of judgment day by scheming an escape. Nonsensical optimists... 
The day will come.

What I say isn't always what I believe. I don't really say what I really do, but it can be obvious if you see. I'd like to be more assured than I am though. But like I said, I am somewhat a series of empty canvases. They are painted over and over again. Just because the combination of colours seem to portray a picture, it doesn't necessarily have a meaning. In other words, they are still empty. So they will continually be painted upon until they have at least a few. These series of canvases.

I do not predict my fate but I am no optimist.

Leaving Shadows Behind

I guess that is whats really been the main theme of my soul searching process. How I am gonna make a mark on this earth before my time comes, a mark more significant than a tombstone above my rotting flesh [InsyAllah, as a proper burial would be good enough]. 

Lightyears
[14/06/10]

I realise I never really think of the present as for what they are. I know I should and I often say to others that they should but I know I don't. I say a lot of things to others that I clearly know will come back and bite me in the back. I know it sounds like I'm a hypocrit, I guess I am but I say them anyway to make myself realise. And most of the time I state this fact to them. Other times I just bid them off to cry alone in the dark, lol.

Anyway, to take another step out of de'Nile, I will say this. I am stuck in the past. Past happiness, past achievements, past memories. I am dead afraid of the future. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I want to plan but I'm afraid to. Because if I do...there's just too much fear of the unknown.

CRAP, I don't know where I got this from. Planning was great in high school. I got here in dental school by planning and by sticking to that plan. Maybe because I became so unhappy here that it pasted a negative sticker onto that type of action. "Avoid in future thinking processes"...slap it on that planning button.

How would you like to leave your mark on this earth? Tell me...whoever's reading. Because I KNOW everybody share at least this thought if not all the above.

Puppy Cloud
[13/06/10]

I do believe we were brought to life for a purpose and we may not know what that is yet [some may never] so in the meanwhile, what harm is it to dream?

Picnic Day

On 19-20/02/10, the family's Geng anak dara [1st & 2nd Class] and the boys went shopping, maggi chomping, sushi rolling, pancake frying, picnic eating, playing2, swimming2 at Bukit Jalil.

Sepak Terajang Sama Mereka

First Malay title.
But yes, the rest will be in English...kot...ok not

Improvised and exaggerated version of today's discussion:

Parents: You're too rigid. You have to be more flexible and humane.

Me: Yelah yelah...I know. And I know my ego is up here [hand above head].

Parents: Ye ke?

Me: Yelah yelah...nun di sana [points towards the sky] celestial egoism. Astronomically speaking.


So marilah sama2 bantu saya sepak terajang sama setan2 dalam hamba Allah yg lemah ini.
InsyAllah saya boleh jadi insan molek skit. Xdela emo sokmo.

Time kasih.

I Hear Crickets...

It's bugging me, grating me, and twisting me around!
Yeah I'm endlessly, caving in, and turning inside out!
[guess where that's from]

I'd like to dedicate that to the darling little crickets who with sheer joy play their tune relentlessly through the night. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, SMACK!! Flame! Sweep! Shoo.

Now, one problem solved, a million to go [grr..]
How will I ever get enough sleep?
I close my eyes and I keep seeing my scenes of vengeance.
Fueled by all that hatred of course.
And truth be told, I'm not ready to get rid of it.
Maybe that's why the demons can affect me.
I so willingly allow their whisperings.

Anyway... I was watching 'Human Stories' on Discovery Home & Health the other day and it was about 'When Sleep Turns Bad'. Insomniacs, sleep walkers and everything else in between. Scary stuff really if it can lead to divorce and jumping of buildings. With it being psychologically related, different remedies work on different people. Nothing is absolute when it comes to human beings. Abnormality is a norm. Some patients only need to tweak their diet, others rely on feng shui. My sleeping issue isn't really a problem it's just irregular. Just because...
and I know it's why...

...Donald Duck touched me when I was young :P

Myselves - Hotness

Filmed 2 months ago...thought it was too ugly so left it aside and forgotten.
Got tired cleaning the house and thought,
"I'm tired cleaning the house, I think I'll edit some vids!"

here's the first one: Myselves - Playing Questions

"vad som än händer...hat kvar"

reclaim my faith ...omvärdera

tidy up the house...rengöra

study films...observera

find plots, follow through until the end...skriva filmmanu

Youtube...video att göra

"vad som än händer...hat kvar"

credits to Google Translate for all these translations I wish I can fluently speak someday...someday..over the rainbow, my pot of GOLD!

...of bruises, Ed Gein, and the word 'Loquacious'...

these items have been occupying my vault recently...

Bruises...
I realize that I 'knock about' a lot. 'Knock about' as in my limbs flail around too much and I would usually undeliberately, inadvertently bang them unto an inanimate object. Sometimes as I walk by a route I've been through too often, I guess I let my guard down and 'pretend' to be an expert and of course fail later as I misjudge how much distance of free space from those furniture I have to be at to actually pass them successfully, ouch my pelvic crest. I have always been very clumsy. It used to be a deliberate act during high school but I got so used to it that it left a stain. I hated walking in a straight line then, too normal, no adventure, 'skema'. I liked running along, twirling on poles [ahahaha!! no, not that kinda pole], jumping around. Yes, this was in high school...freak anyone? But of course, I'm not gonna blame all that for stumping my foot on my mandolin HARD CASE halfway under my bed every morning in the dark light. That's just plain dumb innit...

Ed Gein...
This man was the original mad man who inspired the vicious serial killer 'Buffalo Bill' from the movie 'Silence of the Lambs', who's nothing compared him. He started with digging out corpses from graveyards and fabricates household ornaments out of their skins. He later moved up to murder. I can't remember a lot. I used to watch this weekly episode of 'Most Evil' on Discovery Channel last year which features some of the most evil villains ever recorded. I have bad memory so... But it was disgusting, that I remember. They showed some of the ornaments too, I only remember a lamp shade. His history? They all start the same, bad, traumatic childhood. Either an abusive, alcoholic [with or without] father or divorced parents.

the word Loquacious...
I'm getting sleepy so here's a short one.
It came from a line in Quentin Tarantino's 'Inglourious Basterds' starring Brad Pitt and Christoph Waltz [incredible acting by him] which I watched a week ago and it has bothered me since...
It means very talkative, a tendency to babble. Word of the week for me I guess.

blaah

No Place for the Mundane

Damn you, cruel world...[I'm regarding its inhabitants of course]

I don't think I can be best at anything. I'm way too destructive to be achieving something. The only wish I'm hoping will come true now is to be able to make my own movies in my distant future.

Movies that would inspire a nation to take their ground. Movies that would relate to what Islam has taught us and give it new life. Movies that can take affect on a level higher than a good review. Movies that would have, "Fuck you!!" as it's subliminal message.

A wish is only a wish. If only I could quit doing what I'm doing now and work on that wish, I know I'd be better off. This land is dry, I can't plant seeds no more.

I think, because of this notion [the title], I decided to stay behind. Of course I made the friggin decisions! They appear subconscious because I'm awesome at pretending. Do I ever look surprised when I find myself repeating a whole year of dental school? Nay! I seem happy because I achieved! Last year I nearly repeated and that shook me. It's not that I like that place I'd spend as many years as I can there. I'd burn it down if I wanted to but that would only lead to air pollution. I HATE THAT PLACE! and I just ran out of words to type...

Blaah!

Scarce

I am but a passenger in this world...
[Taken on January 2010]

I don't know what to write about anymore. I started this blog in full inspiration of conveying my thoughts, record my feelings because I know I'll forget them. I hardly feel like writing nowadays. I feel like I'm pulling myself into a shell. Self-captivity.

Since I was in my formative years I've always liked the idea of being secretive and mysterious and although I was always saying I was, I knew deep down I wasn't. I was just pretending. But I guess all those years of pretense finally paid off, I can finally calm down and shut my mouth if I wanted to. Which is nearly all the time now. But when you live in a community or a family, the too drastic a change can threaten them of the absolute absurdity. They see things differently and without asking to confirm, assume the worst of everything. Although they were right to do so, I still think they should have left me alone with my choice.

I know human are born into a community and that they are expected to be part of one as soon as they come to years, but I can't do that. Being part of a community means dwelling in diversity and to me that's just asking for trouble. Diversity is chaos. But then again, there is never total chaos as according to the chaos theory, nothing is actually random. The world governed by Him is far too smart for that. But that is what I fear and hate. I tried to change but the world changed me back.

I believe change is possible, but death is the only cure.

Fluff

I've been really interested in the clouds up in the sky lately. I guess God is trying to remind me about the bigger picture. I started admiring the fluffy wisps up about a few months ago. Majestic when the sun crowns it and powerful during their darker moods. Everytime I suffer inside, which is nearly everyday, all I need to do is look up and behold the glowing blankets above.

Clouds in a way are like people. There are many races, they appear to have feelings, they drink and cry, and they too are unpredictable. They have boundaries like we do. They can't come down too low and they can't fly up too high while we have our religion. It's not like they have a choice. God invented the logical reality of physics and chemistry. We on the other hand do have choices. The good and bad ones, and the gray areas.

The Invisibility Cloak

I've been wishing I had one for years long. To not be seen or judged. I belong only to Him. Let Him fix me because I'm tired of fighting this way. Against my will. I just don't want to exist in this world but He would still exist in mine. He is my government. This is for reassurance.

Nowadays privacy is my priority. It's my bubble. I hardly let anybody in. Let them save themselves from this time-consuming-emotion-gloating addict. I think that's one of the reason I've been struggling with seeing patients. I'd have to deliberately put them in my private space. It's choking. I tried explaining this to certain people. They say they understand, but they don't. If they understood me, they'd be as miserable as I am. They don't have a bubble as thick as mine. Sometimes I wish the patients would fall asleep after I give an injection and would never wake up. That would make me smile. To send them off peacefully. They won't get hurt and mine would end.

I listened to a psychologist's talk today and found out that I'm not healthy. Mentally or physically or socially. So no I'm not healthy at all. I see 'hopelessness' as a scene in my own movie where I see myself stare at my own lifeless body under the tree at the edge of the cliff. My eyes would be open and empty. It's been playing more often than usual now. I'd love to make a movie out of it. It would be a very quiet one though. I don't think anybody would ever watch it because they would never hear about it.

We all have our own ideas of happiness. I want to be invisible, literally. I should have never taken the ticket into this world. I don't want to stop feeling though. It's the only thing keeping me alive. It fuels me to write, make songs and videos which I love doing and let them watch or hear but don't look at me. I just want them to feel me. But please, don't look at me. I want to be able to make them feel alive too. If they promise to stay away and not look at me.

Don't

I Hate
I can't describe how much hate I have inside right now. I've grown aware of this state in me since 3 years ago. Some days I can set it aside and forgive everything. Some other days I just feel like killing everyone. An uncontrollable rage that I contain inside, cursing everthing from its existance. I know I won't kill, I know it's wrong, but I think some people just deserve to die. Erased from the surface of this decaying world.

I want to disappear
I'm losing my patience. I don't want to live like this anymore. It's pathetic. Everyday pretending to make a better day for tomorrow. I wish tomorrow would take me away. Far from this corrupted civilization. I hate the city. I hate crowds. 3 is a crowd. I can't function in the public eye. I want to be able to sit quietly, close my eyes, and hear the water streaming by, the birds chirping in the caressing trees. I hate the city. It disgusts me.

Dead
Rotten inside, I have nothing but maggots crawling around manipulating my limbs, my brain died from suffocating on the many ideas that clot my veins but never got materialised because I was too busy pretending. The meaning of life is on it's last strand as it escapes my clutch. My prairs turn stale as they leave my lips. I grow tire of this recurrent phase of eternal darkness. It is becoming my soulmate and I fear I may leave with it.

I wish for no later days

I Killed A Giant !!

eHattattaa...

Oh what have become of the olden days...me being a selfish, ignorant twerp and the world summoning all the chaos that it could possibly conjure out of it's very limited vault of human ability(s). Well nothing really, those are still the days we're living in. Sometimes it feels useless after countless of hours sticking my head into these 'save the world' movements because directly after snapping back into reality, it feels like waking up from a dream! An impossible one!

Speaking of dreams! I had an awfully disturbing nightmare yesterday. I didn't have any patients for a clinic session from 10-12am so I decided to go 'study' [promise, I tried!] at the Surau. Of course, I fell asleep. And then I dreamed. I'm assuming you readers know Ju-On's crawling-on-the-floor ghost. Well it was pinning me down because someone sitting across me was ordering it to. I was in the same position as I was sleeping in, so I was really freaking out. There was another person walking around the surau in the background and he/she was also part of this 'ritual'.

The person sitting across from me was asking me to do something which I can't remember, but I refused and so it sent me into a nightmare. I was sent to a jungle clearing in my mind, there was a big old tree in the middle and fire posts encircling the area. There were 2 others, a couple that were sent there also against their will. A giant attacked us, we were to die! We fended ourselves with stick-made-spears. The woman was killed, the giant threw her to the ground, near the roots of the tree and pierced her throat with one of our made-shift weapons. Later the man was knocked unconscious. Somehow after that, I managed to attain a sword and decapitate the giant. Bloody but heroically!

So I survived the nightmare and came back to the surau but still in the dream. I was alone. The beings were no longer there, I was no longer pinned down. It was raining heavily outside and it was already nighttime! I looked at my phone to see if my dad had called, 30 miscalled! He must've been worried. So I quickly got up, got my things and slowly opened the surau door. Peeked outside, in case those beings were guarding outside. The Ju-On ghost was sitting on a chair near the door, wearing a gorilla suit [???]. Apparently it was asleep, so I slowly crept out but the door creaked as I was closing it [out of habit]. So it woke up and started chasing me around. It never caught me because I woke up, I really woke up this time, it really was raining heavily outside. I wasn't alone though, thankfully some of my coursemates were there getting ready for Zohor prayers. 1pm??!! Sheesh!!


Right then, back to whatever I was doing that you don't need to know about.


Later days...

I Love Long Hair

1. I love how it gets into my mouth while I'm chewing my food, teasing me by acting all fibrous.

2. I love how it prevents me from reading a book by irritating my eyes.

3. I love how it makes me look hot by insulating all the heat from my head & neck.

4. I love how it generously consume an overwhelming amount of effort & time to dry.

5. I love how it surprises me every morning in the toilet.

6. I love how it dies and lays itself on the floor in a randomly chaotic pattern, creating a masterpiece!

7. But most of all, I love how it frames my face...when I'm not wearing tudung la...


Laters...

Post-RAYA Syndrome

Muahahahaha!! Selamat Hari Raya to all potential readers.

A little correction regarding the last post...apparently my batch won't be undergoing the continuous clinical weeks, only the 5th years are the unfortunate victims. Us 4th years are only subject to having 2 weeks of holiday extracted from our calender. DAMNATION!!

ONLY 1 WEEK OF SEMESTER BREAK??!! AND WHAT??!! NO MIDSEM BREAK FOR THE 2ND SEM??!! BAAH HUMBUG!!

Whatever dudes...let's just get it done with. I'm tired of all this nonsense.

RAYA was awesome at kampung! Didn't get to do the interviews I said I would but for the 1st time ever, made a video that included all the 1st class 'anak dara's and the 3 boys.










Plus my sister



All left to do is editing but I am in a slow mood since class starts tomorrow..ekh..and I'm still in RAYA mode. Quick...somebody invite me to an open house!!

Our house is in a open house mood as well. We got a new sofa set!



Alrighty then! Better start on the video...I'll notify once it's completed.














Laters...

1st of The Worsts

For once I'll be writing of what is to come and not what had already came and been done with. This coming week, the week before Raya will be pretty much horrifying. For the next 5 days, with tests nearly every single day, clinics everyday, a project proposal to present, and requirements to pass up by the end of the week, my prediction is that I'll be dead before Raya.

But that's only the appetizer! The worst of the worse is yet to come. Early next year, my friggin faculty will be undergoing some reconstruction and renovations. The clinics are gonna be revamped! Great news! But we have to pay the price. All the clinical sessions will be done early, the only way to do that is to push them all up to the start of the 2nd semester. So the plan was that we had to undergo months of merely clinical time, no lectures, just so we could complete the requirements. Crazy? Yes! It'll be like going to work! I don't know if I can do this man! I suck bad at multitasking. All the lectures will be postponed until a month before the finals where we'll be having them 8-5 every weekday. Crazy? Even more!! It'll be like 1st year all over again but hopefully, it'll help me study.

One good-but-not-overjoyed news I'd like to share is that I'm in charge of making a 10-15mins video for a Public Health project. So, yes my brain is excited about that which means it's hard for me to concentrate now. It shall be in a form of an informal documentary containing clips of interviews and sketches.

Announcement to all adult family members of Edd: I will be conducting video interviews about oral health, volunteers are welcome, specifically chosen candidates shall be named. I am asking for your full support and cooperation. Please and thank you. [Interviewer: Dhuha, cameradude: Me]

Later days...

Out With It

Okay, I'll no longer deny and avoid the factual statement that I'm a dental student.
So here's the latest interesting thing.

Today my group had a short field trip to Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia, Putrajaya. We went to the Dentistry sector of course, sat for an hour's talk on Oral Health Promotion, toured the offices, had free 'oily & caffeinated' lunch, and patiently waited for the bus. I didn't bring a camera since I'm not the posing type of person, but I did see something worth sharing and shot it with my lousy phone cam which turned out horrish. So here's an equivalent shot from the www:

read the smallprints

It was manufactured around 1997. What the hell were they thinking?! Desensetizing kids to the profession?! Did it work? So far, I still have never heard a little girl saying they want to grow up to be a dentist, it's always a doctor, a nurse, a teacher, a doctor. Nowadays? A popstar.

What a day...it was one of those days where somehow, time was spared in every corner but unfortunately by the end of the day you know you benefited nothing from it because you spent most [if not all] of that potential hours sat in front of your bro's computer listening to Russell Peters and playing Prototype. And now? Sit across your laptop for an hour typing about it when hardly anybody is gonna read it. Great learning EPs collected there.

Later days...

ShreDDer

No, I'm not talking about the age old villain of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, I'm talking about getting ripped. If you know me [like really really know me] you'd know I am obsessed with wanting a six pack abs. If at all possible, a whole ripped bod. Not of the bodybuilder kind, just as much as Jillian Michael's.

I know what most people say, "ppuan x lawa la bdn besar, gagah perkasa!". SO WHAT! It's for me! It's one thing I won't be showing off anyway. Self satisfaction, to know that I am in control of my own body and mind. It's not easy but much more bearable than some of the stuff I'm going through right now because it's MY CHOICE.

So far, I've been going through countless phases in attempting this goal but never really made it yet. This year I've just started. I'm undergoing Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred. This of course can only work if I control my diet. I know I'm not obese but I have my frustrating target areas. So far on my 22nd day and I feel awesome! I haven't lost any weight, mainly because I still have problems controlling my food intake and even if I did lose some it may have been counterbalanced by some weight gain via muscle mass. I am all toned up. It's a great feeling.

The great thing about the workout is that it only takes up 20-30mins/day. I added my own modifications so mine lasts up to 40mins/day. The whole thing is divided into 3 levels of gradually increasing intensity. Level 1 for the first 10 days, Level 2 for the next 10, and Level 3 for the final 10 days. I must warn you, it never gets easy but the pain is worth it and it feels good.

Diet monitoring is pretty hard when you're at home, eating your mom's cooking but I'm able to manage my own portions well and take some supplementary side dishes if I feel the need. Counting calories, keeping the ratio balanced. Carbs, pros, fats. H2O, fuel for the body. Oatmeal, oatmeal, oatmeal.

I'd love to write more about the whole thing but there's already way too many articles on them. If anybody's interested just google em' up.

Later days

H1N1

Alas, the flu mania has finally affected UKMKKL and we are now not allowed to go to class until 2nd August. Oh shucks! There's no confirmed cases yet, everything is still under suspicion but for the greater good and the safety of the nation, SHUTDOWN! was announced. There were 50 suspected cases.

Honestly, I've been feeling very vulnerable to the flu for a while since I'm commuting across Bangi to KL everyday for classes. Everyday was a potential risk of infection. Scary? Not really. I keep my hands crossed and try not to touch anything on the way. I didn't really feel the need of wearing a mask. I get wear them nearly everyday in clinic sessions where the risk of disease infections are way higher.

Moral of the story: Don't play in the sun, you may get burned. ???

Anyway...
YAY! for a week holiday
BOOHOO! for all the wasted clinic time

Laters...

Heart

Heart of mind and heart of soul
I'll search for you till time grows old

I tripped and fall and lost my way
Put on a mask just like they say

Tricks and treats have fooled my weak
Until my truth began to leak

A heart can't beat outside it's place
A soul can't soar without it's grace

What is the meaning of life?
Without a heart there will be none

The Aching Need II

I need a new laptop.
sh@dowfaX is a friggin retard and can no longer serve efficiently as my co-conspirator. I can't have this! I have a mission to fulfill and that mission is about to be jeopardized by a lack of speed & bytes. I hope I can strike a deal for a cheap one somewhere.

I need a HD camcorder.
since I'm getting more active in this video making activity, I might as well get my own equipment. Hopefully a proper one that captures videos and not just a multifunctional digital camera.

Later days...

Frock Bearer

wow..that sounds and looks dirty. I dunno why, it just popped out of my head since I'm not gonna write on any particularly specific topic here.

I think the theme of my holiday this year is creativity or specifically, Youtube videos. Last year's was self discovery, profound movement, made major changes in my attitude, fantasmic! So this year, I'm all about creating stuff. It's about time too, I'm not getting any younger.

Aging is kind of a sad thing because it's just another term we use for dying. Honestly, it's just stretching it out a bit, turning it into a bigger picture. I mean we can't really say cells are aging because their lifetime aren't even worth noticing. Okay, so red blood cells lasts for 120 days and intestinal cells lasts for 3 days or so. Merely a routine shift change really. Only a few gets spotted as aging, the rest simply dies or died unnoticed.

Everything and everybody dies. I get very irritated watching American movies where the main character loses their faith after somebody important in his or her life died. They complain that they've been very faithful but God still puts that load of depression upon them, that He took the life of an innocent or good person. First of all, their definition of a good person is far from ours. He may drink, steal, smoke pot, do drugs, be a con artist, fcuk around, but still be a good kid. In our society, he should die. Second, they expect an easy life in return of God worship. Totally reversed from our belief, or at least mine. Life is after all a test, people who have it easy are no different than benchwarmers.

Aaaah...that stupid-yet-funny-once-is-enough movie. Talking of movies, I have a new idea that's been going about in my thinking vault for 2 months now. I don't think I'll be typing it down anytime soon. Takes me too long. I'd rather fill the rest of my holis with something more solid. Just so I can prove I haven't been a zombie during dead time. No more Z-days! Lengthy writing is for far more boring days such as...ugh! not worth mentioning..

My pillows are calling me to bed. Don't wanna keep them waiting or we'd start having a pillow fight! [Aaahahaha! Pun intended!]

Later days...

Losing it

I'm losing excitement day by day. Waking up with nothing but an entangled mess of frustrating mist heaving my spirit out of life and submerged under a thick layer of grime. The only person that's keeping me going is my younger brother, since he's also in his holidays [school], I try to find day to day enjoyment by playing video games with him.
Astro keeps showing reruns and I'm not just talking about the movie channels,
I can't read because it'll put me to sleep,
I can't make videos because I ran out of materials...well I have a few to work on but I'm experimenting on a different software so it'll take time to complete...
I'm pausing my song-making effort because I don't want to rush and miss out

Nearly everything is putting me down lately and going to bed early is still hard for me. It's about that time for me to do what I do best, keep my mind busy by making up movies in my head, a realm for where my advanced self image shines best. Sometimes I feel like I'm saving myself from this world to live in another. I know it sounds absurd and unrealistic but the feeling of self belonging keeps escaping my flail, reluctant grasp. I am enraged when people don't understand me but at the same time also enraged when they're spot on. I have yet pondered the answers to why. I have a personality that is destructive in nature thus, I am better alone. I even find myself revolted by the idea of marriage, nowadays.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I'm choosing to be this way...no wait, in a way I am but that's too complicated to explain. But trust me, I am looking for a way to get out because my future looks bleak. It's just that with the state of affairs and the way that I am, my very existent is rebelling with every threat that comes to change me. I tend to develop a radical idea way too negative of a suggestion made for me to change.

Someone once asked me, "Are you looking for something?". I was hanging out with 4 of my high school seniors at a cafe after silat practice around 7 years ago. 3 of them were guys and while the rest were discussing school politics, one of the guys stared into my eyes and suddenly put a curious face on. He asked the above and I was struck down awkward but with a clueless mind answered him, "No, I don't think so." I was 16 at that time and he was scaring the hell out of me. He continued saying, "You look like you're searching for something. [awkward pause] You are. [awkward pause] You will. When you are, don't stop looking." I said "Okay?" and whispered to my female senior the signal to leave. I never actually told anyone about this since I never took it seriously. It is after all very random, but the way he stared into me...creepy it was.

We're all looking for something in this life, be it peace, happiness, or financial overdose. Sometimes we're not even sure what we're supposed to be looking for and that is what we're looking for in the time being. The journey is way too long to be written as a RM85 600 paged thick hardback novel, re-enacted in a 3 hour limiting biographical motion picture, recited as an hour long orchestral symphony but when it's time to die, we almost wish we did more.

I'd rather you hate me for what I am than loving me for what I can't become...

Later be thy days..

Linger

last view from my previous apartment

Random Q's

1. What is the most important thing in your life?

my conscience

2. What is the last thing that you bought with your own money?

other than food? A black shirt

3. Where do you wish to get married?

Lothlorien, Middle-earth

4. How old do you think you will be permanently owned by your love?

oops, have none

5. Are you in love?

in a way, yes

6. Where was the last restaurant you had dinner?

err...Hale's Kitchen, Plaza Rah

7. Name the latest book that you bought?

Play Great Guitar by Rikky Rooksby

8. What is your full name?

Nur Hidayah bt. Mohd Suhaimi

9. Do you prefer your mother or father

Ish! Don't make me choose...they're not Pokemon!

10. Name a person that you really wish to meet in real life for the first time.

Myles Kennedy

11. Christina or Britney?

Neither actually, but if life depended on it...Christina because I can't stand Britney's voice

12. Do you do your own laundry?

I share the duty with a washing machine

13. The most exciting place you want to go?

in my head

14. Hugs or kisses?

HUGS!! I love hugs!!

15. Point out 5 things about the person who tagged you

nobody tagged me...I felt like boasting myself out

16. 3 things I am passionate about

• music
  
• movies
• writing

17. 3 things I say too often

• shyte
  
• betch
• eff off
  

18. Book I’ve read recently

that book I recently bought

19. 8 songs I could listen to over and over again

• Street Spirit by Radiohead
• Glorious by Muse
• Fuel by Metallica
• Flowers in the Window by Travis
• Tall Tales by Spiritual Beggars
• Pills by HURT
• Blackbird by Alter Bridge
• Human Stain by Kamelot

20. 3 things I learned last year

• smile with your heart
  
• there's a reason for everything
  
• don't be a bitch

There I'm done. Off to cleaning my room! Later days

eddsterfalconian

Click here to go now...

My Youtube account. Link is also on my LINK! tab on the right column >>>>

As of yesterday, I've decided to actively edit & upload videos in Youtube. It will be my holiday's project for this year. I've already put up a few.

So those of you who has Youtube accounts please go check it out & subscribe if you wish. No force there. Please rate & comment if it's not too much to ask.

Those with no accounts, no fuss in making one. It's free and only takes a while. But still no force there. You can still just watch.

Enjoy!

Mystifying Event

Two nights ago, my family and I dropped by my apartment to clear up my belongings and take them home. I finished my 6th [8th actually] semester and had to move out. I went up with my 2 brothers to the 14th floor. Although I had already packed up before going home a few days before, we would still need to make a few trips up and down to get everything.

On the first trip up, I already noticed something [I'm aquarius, we're sensitive]. Now I was the last person to leave that apartment, all the other girls had already packed up an left days before I did. I enjoyed 3 nights alone [time of my life] in that empty apartment before I actually went home. When I left, all the doors except my room's were closed, I made sure. The lock to the main door had to be twisted twice to completely secure it, so I did. That night when I went back to fetch my things, it only had to be twisted once and it was open. As I let my brothers in to grab all the heavy boxes, I thought to myself, "Somebody must've came in, but who? It couldn't have been the girls, they live far away and what business would they have coming back to an empty apartment?", and then it occurred to me that it might have been the maintenance guys coming up to fix that broken door latch to the laundry area. So I tossed the matter aside and grabbed a box. Leaving a light on, we left, locking the door [twice] behind us.

For the second trip, I went up with my younger brother. We went in and had a little discussion on who should carry what. Thinking it might be the last trip up, I looked around the study hall in semi darkness to make sure nothing was forgotten, not yet noticing any peculiarity. After loading as much as our 2 hands can carry, I noticed that there's still a pile of shelves to be carried. But it couldn't be done, so I thought I'd come back alone later and quickly grab it. Intentionally not locking the door after leaving, we went down to the car. My father asked if the family could go up to the apartment to pray for Maghrib as it would be too much of a rush if we were to pray at home. "Of course, let's go!" And so we boarded the 1st elevator to the 2nd floor. On the way the second elevator, we realized there's a surau on that floor and decided it would be more convenient to pray there.

After prayers, I went up again with my 2 brothers, just for the sake of bullying them into carrying a few shelves. So of course, they acted bitchy on the way up, even after we split the shelves 3-way. My younger bro even turned of the lights while I was still inside and went to the elevators. It was then that I noticed in the dark, the door to the bedroom right in front the main door was open [not my bedroom door]. So I said to my big bro who was standing right in the doorway, "That shouldn't be open, hold on I'm gonna check it out," and turned to switch the lights back on. As I turned back around, in the flickering lights, I saw the door closing with a bang. I froze, I looked at my bro, he looked at me, I turned back to the door. "Maybe it was the wind," he said. "Impossible. We should've felt it. And the windows in that room are closed." We paused a second and decided to leave. I locked up, twice. My brother then made fun of me being spooked up and I wasn't embarrassed of admitting it, my heart was beating frantically for me to try and find a possible answer.

sorry, have no clearer pic than this..as you can see, fairly empty as I'm the last to go

My bro told the rest of the family of what happened while I accompanied my father to pay for the parking. They pointed out that I shouldn't have left the door unlocked before going down. Well, whatever it was that closed the door that night, I can't help realizing the fact that I have to go back and fetch the curtains before I check out. SHYTE!!

Later days...

Little Did She Know...

I am, in a way distraught by a very familiar human weakness, nothing lasts. Everlasting is humanely impossible. I don't mind dying, I don't mind the ever revolutionizing human psychology, I don't even mind friends coming and going. It has been a year on 26th April, since I started blogging here. On that day, I took a while off studying to revisit some of my old scribblings. It occurred to me that I'm losing my touch. I felt like that girl in 'The Devil Wears Prada' or that guy in 'How To Lose Friends and Alienate People'. I guess everything in life really does have their own personal list of pros & cons, that includes happiness. As much as I believe 2008/2009 was one of the best years in my development of psychological maturity, I'm no longer exhilarated by being constantly happy. I had a taste, now stop bugging me and let me do my duty.


Happiness, if not well-balanced can prove deadly. The line between sufficiency & redundancy is a mighty fine one. Unless you're right on the border, you're at risk of 'blindness'. I find myself writing better when I am under certain depression. Or it might just be tonight. Too many things are going on in my mind, traffic is congested. And I'm starting to hate Saturdays. I get headaches on Saturdays and I am officially blank right now. I just spent a minute trying to spell Saturday.

While eating dinner tonight, I remember how I used to hate myself when I'm at school, I was too quiet, to emo, too shy. I loved being around my family instead since I could be more of myself. How the tables have turned. Not that I'd prefer friends over family but I can't be comfortable enough anymore. I think clearer and appear more matured around friends. Is this part of growing up? ..................too tired to think about this tonight.

See how the problems just never stops? Peace never lasts, it'd be too absurd and illogical, the world would fold over. Disclaimer: BUT it doesn't mean we should stop believing in it, we have try to reach it instead of doing nothing. Something is always better than nothing. So a C is always better than failing even if it's not an A. Give your kid a break.

Anyway, I've written 3 songs [Dear Life, Hometown City, Save Us] within a month's time. I have never been so inspired. I hope it lasts...yeah right. They're all in my site, http://www.myspace.com/eddfalcomusic. Please visit when you have the time. They're not metal, they're not love songs, don't worry.

May this questionable feeling of human imperfection not reign over my consciousness and suffocate my mist of creativity. Later days...

Me & My Baldies

It's been a while since my last 'list of's. Here's one that came to my mind, My List of Favourite Bald Men.

When I say bald I don't necessarily mean hairless, I mean less hair as in close-shaven heads.

Why baldies? Ask my subconscious. I guess they seem bold, like they're saying "I don't need a mane to be a man, I just am". My other theory is that they look emotionally vulnerable and I'm a sucker at that.

The sequence is according to succession in time.

Craig
Some boy I had a crush on while schooling in England [1992-1996]. He was a well-known prankster and yes I usually go for the naughty ones.

Desmond Harrington
An actor I fancied for quite a long time. He's not a permanent baldy but he's usually bald in his temperamental characters, which are the ones I like most. Unfortunately he hasn't got any breakthroughs in his career yet, no big and memorable roles, no awards [I think], not many movies worth watching. So, I don't follow his work much.









Jason Statham
Hardcore man he is. For those who don't know this guy, get a life. That bod, that face, that accent, not to mention skills in martial arts, I can watch his movies anytime. I think I first caught him in Guy Ritchie's Snatch [FAVE!!], which didn't feature any of his skills much, just the voice and face. And then I saw him in 'The One' [fighting skills revealed!], 'Mean Machine', a Brit remake of 1974's 'The Longest Yard', so on and so forth. Do I go watch all his movies? Nay. He's got that 'stereotype syndrome' where nearly all his characters are as if they came from the same scarce pool of genes.


Michael Schofield
The main protagonist in the hit TV series, Prison Break. I followed up to the 3rd season but then got too busy not giving a damn. He was a breakthrough character, never have I seen one so cool and mysterious. But being too mysterious and emotional has it's toll, you lost me as a fan! I moved on, sorry. Now, everytime I see his face it feels like the whole world turns a bit gay-er.










Mark Tremonti
My rock hero!!! I love thee, hair or no hair. My severe admiration for this man pertains much to his skills and passion for his guitar. He's the founder/writer/lead guitarist for his current band Alter Bridge, ex of Creed. But beyond that, he truly is a hunk. That macho Italian face, well-trimmed goatee, ripped bod, physically everything on my list.








J. Loren Wince
My latest passion. Also in music, from the band HURT. He is their founder/writer/vocalist/guitarist/violinist and some other stringed instrument. Passionate and dark as well. This band truly fits my taste, I am currently at awe with this band and for the past few months. Their songs pull you in so deep, you'd rather suffocate to feel alive [that sounds suicidal]. But they're not emo, I kick emos of my streets. These guys are mature human beings, at least mature enough to be singing their stuff. Lyrics, sheer poetry and currently my main influence in songwriting.




Henry Cavill
Just some young actor who looks good in this photo. Acting skills aren't that good yet but I hope he gets better. With a face like that, it'd be a waste not to.

*2025 edit: Dude, that's Superman and the Witcher!







There should be more [most are martial artists] but they're lost in my sleepy head.

Later days...

Say It Like It Is, MothaLuver!

Mother's Day is coming up and thanks to my being around people for a change it didn't escape me this time around, unlike other times. Frankly, I never really paid much attention to it [in those days] and no matter how much my mum kept saying that she doesn't feel appreciated during those days - because I pass the day like any other day - I just didn't feel the need. Yeah okay, you might think: Damn! Edd's an ungrateful piece of offspring! Well, I agree! I was how you say, a biatch? An inconsiderate, ignorant, selfish biatch to be exact. I still do retain some features but I'm trying my best to shed that old layer of skin. Love was nowhere to be found in that kid and now I just wanna hug everybody [aaahh...J. Loren to start with].

Anyway, back to the main subject of mums! I just read of a friend's blog where he wrote about his parents and how much he loves them and all those mushy stuff [hehe..kidding..very thoughtful of you]. And thus inspired me on this matter.

Thinking back on all the sacrifices they made just to raise the 5 of us, really makes me wanna knock the starch out of myself for being what I was. Of course, my mum would say we were good kids, behaved well in public, and never asked for much. Yeah I guess in those aspects we checked out, but in some others...tisk2, child abuse should've been legalized. I'm not saying we were all devils, no! Just 3 of us girls, all biatches of different kinds. But enough of my family history. What I'm trying to say is that I believe in how karma can sneak up behind and bite you in the ass, thus, I am damn afraid to have kids!

Of course, unlike my friend who wrote, "If I could just be as good as my mum and dad in the future, I would be glad enough." I think in my case, I'd have to level up and beyond. Other than the fact that I might have to deal tenfold the pain my parents went through, I guess it's my way of 'becoming more than what my parents were' because I'm not doing so good in their field of strengths. Watch and learn basically. How I'm gonna do it? I have my plan, I just hope the outcome would be as good as, "MY MOM FRIGGIN ROCKS!!". Okay, now where's the husband?

Aaaahhh...I'm losing my point. I forgot what I was supposed to write about. Just finished my finals today, my overstimulated brain cells just can't wait to get my hands on Vader.

So basically, before this, Mother's Day, to me, was a day where mums could bitch out saying they deserve more. Well fook me for thinking so. They do deserve more! It takes more than maturity to comprehend such sincerity of being on duty for the rest of you life, it takes experience and no matter how much I say, I can never truly feel it until I pop out my own. Haha! Ruined the ending.

Anyway, YAY for mums all over the world...except those who ditch their babies like garbage.

Once again, apologies for the foul language but truth be told.

Later be thy days...