Family Day Preps...

Masterminding may lead to world domination...beware!

Yaay! Family Day is coming up. I'd love to say that I can't wait for it to come but because I'm the one in charge of all the games and performances, I'm wishing for another week. The games are well in order [hopefully], and I got the green light from my mom who's in charge of everything else. I've distributed some power and freedom to the other cousins so that it'll run smoothly. Props are mostly recycled stuff, don't wanna be wasting money too much. Improvise with the abundant garbage around us.

The problem that keeps knocking in my head is the night's performance!! My brother and I are planning to do something like Demetri Martin's 'The Land Where My Jokes Come From'...but instead of all that funny nonsense, I'm touching reality and dedicate it to my family. If only I'd get some inspiration to finish the half-completed script. So it's either that or perhaps an adaptation of 'Aci Aci Bukak Pintu'. Either way, I only have untill Saturday morning to gather the cousins to rehearse. NERVE-WRECKING...there's a lot of 'what if's going on in my head right now.

Well, I'll be having my 8 hour journey to Kelantan (where the Family Day will take place) tomorrow morning at 4am. Hopefully I'll be able to wake up on time. YOSH!!

May luck be on our side...especially mine!

Later days...

Previous Week

Hey Brook,

I've been really busy having tons of fun sweating out from head to toe. It's not like my past holidays in which I've always been pretty much dead as a zombie.

Had a hell of a time playing football with the boys [or simply watching em']. Missed being so active. I even sprained my right thumb last Friday, attempting to be the goalie [damn I miss those days!]. This slowed me down on the weekends.

She has a name now. I'm just not sure what it is...heheh.

Saturday. Went to visit my new cousin in Damansara born on 16th May [the day before]. She's not even a day old in the picture.

Sunday. Zombie day.

Monday was a drag even though it was a holiday. I had to cancel some plans due to rain. And it upsets me that I had to use a spoon to feed myself. I even had to hold it at a certain angle in order to prevent the pain of my poor thumb.

On Tuesday, I had a great time jamming with my bro and the transit boys. It's been quite a while since I get to sing out loud. We did multiple versions of ManBai's 'Kau Ilhamku', including punk and reggae. I felt Myles Kennedy's vibe at some point singing that song with my own style. I tried to use Phil Anselmo's southern style too. After that we headed out for more football.

Wednesday. Birthday celebrations. Busy day! At the DayCare we have 2 sessions of kids coming in and out. 'The morning kids' [TMK: 7-9 yrs old] and 'the afternoon kids' [TAK: 10-high school]. My mom and I had to handle birthdays for both sessions and still get them to school, on time, as usual. I had to keep the TMKs from getting too excited without raising my voice, very hard, almost impossible. For the TAKs, things were easier. I only had to settle the food part: 2 barrels of KFC, 3 large coleslaw, 3 large whipped potato, & 3 cheesy wedges.

I somehow like being the delivery gal. I did in fact consider being a 'mat despatch' if ever having to quit what I'm doing now. True story.

Thursday. Woke up to find the electricity was out. Some guys were upgrading our power box so that we can put a lot of air conditioners in the house since global warming isn't showing any signs of toning down. Isn't this kinda ironic? Not sure. Anyway, I spent the whole day hanging out in the garden.

Then it rained heavily, so I took advantage of this natural sound blocker to sing out loud to Alter Bridge. Also because of the rain, I was finally in the mood for some worm digging. I've been putting it off due to dry weather and the thumb injury. I managed to find 5 worms. Yaay! So the experiment begins! I hope they're still alive.

In the evening, watched the boys play 'drunken football'. It's what they do when they get bored of the usual methods. It was a real laugh. Wish I had a videocam to record all their shyte. Good times indeed.

Okay...it's Friday morning now. Off to bed!

Later days.

of past, present, & future

Dear Brook,

Brook, my previous journal. Now used for poems/lyrics storage.

Good day.
First of all, I'm feeling very good these past few days. I feel useful. I'll tell why later. I think this is a good time to jot down a few thoughts or self improvements before I forget them like I usually do.

Past:

Yes, I was a very macho baby...

Something I hate to lose. It's not like I'm holding grudges against my past [or still] enemies or have not yet forgiven myself for tripping over so much. It's just like in our studies, we revise or 'ulangkaji' the notes, I revise my memories of previous events over and over again, enquiring why the hell it happened the way it did and not otherwise: sub-junctions [from 'History Boys']. I am a believer of fate, but even fate has it's chain of events [The String Theory...yet to be read]. And also like in our studies, as we mature, we find some things are now easier to understand, to accept and even answer or respond to.

Unlike the puzzling riddle: "Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?", I personally have a definite answer on this one. The problems arrive first, being very obscure and very complicated, then we learn to deal with it and eventually dig our way out, thus achieving a new level of maturity. A situation I call 'Level Up!'. Our ability to reign over our future predicaments depends on how much we've matured. Different individuals achieve varying intensities which may be reflected by a lot of factors I have yet to ponder. Problem solving might take years on end or it might only take a few days. Depression can be a side effect to a chronic problem solving phase. Psychosomatic diseases may follow in chronic depression [I'm a victim, back pains - can't 'rukuk' properly]

That is why I think, the more you were in trouble in the past, the more successful you may become in the future, depending on those unclassified factors I mentioned. Some of them may include family support, friends, environment, and even diet. Negative influences attract negative results. Always look on the brighter side of life. Okay, sometimes it does feel better to dwell upon the darker side...I myself am a villain...but that transient bliss is fueled by the devil. So make sure you anchor yourself before you enter that kingdom.

My previous self was very cowardly. I may still be. I never really socialized with people out of my age range. I hardly socialized with my own. My life only revolved around my big family. This affected my level of social skills and self confidence . A problem I'm still struggling with to this today. I was a very eruptive child, a very moody one. I even liked to externally abuse my kid sister [pull her hair, slap and pinch her] with no reason. I was like a tiny Hitler! External abuse is seen as a common method of child upbringing in our culture since long ago. Parents do it to their children, the children pick it up early on and practiced among themselves. I don't agree with it now that I've grown out of it and I think it should be prevented. But I'm not against mental torture yet . Hehehe...

Present:

Shadow Puppeteer

The reason why I'm feeling good lately is that I've been helping out a lot more around the house than previously, doing chores, tending the fishes out in our pond and working out. Even my back pain is regressing, a definite sign that I'm healing from the depressing phase I chose to undergo a few months ago. Taking to heart what I've read in one of the many books, I think I even quoted it before in one of my posts. To optimize the use of the present time. Filling every second with something constructive. Getting the experience!

Other than supervising the kids at the day-care [which I'm really enjoying now], I've also decided to build a worm farm. I'm still in the researching and experimenting phase. Nothing is for sure yet. I'm also making myself read a lot. Nothing related to dentistry of course, just anything to my interests, mentalism, psychology, etc. To my surprise, I've taken too much of my time on these activities that I haven't been watching television for 3 days in a row now. At least not a whole program or movie, just a few minutes now and then. I wonder how I'm going to fit in my sword forging plan.

I know it may sound like I've finally found myself, but I'm clueless of what I may become if stress returns into my life. The future.

Future:

The rise of Axel Rozz

I try not to think of where I 'might' end up. Just taking in this glorious present. My time is here and now. I only think of my near future, like the list of things I should experience through out my holiday. Marriage, and riches are out of the question. Career? I keep hoping that it would actually involve my interests. Then I wouldn't have to call it a 'job', it's my passion. A great reason to live a life, but not the only one.

To gradually improve, we can only hope for the best. Planning may help but excessive planning makes you a stalker of your own life. There are easier ways to get what you want. It may involve you stalking the passion instead of your life.

Look, I may be wrong to some or most of you, but this is how I see things through my lense in this present time. I am still in the process of expanding my theories and experiences.

Later days...

Villainous I Am

Good day! Yes I'm still lost in holiday, but that's enough whining.

For this blog, I would like to list down my top 3 villains. I thought of putting up 5, but the other 2 just couldn't match up to these 3 even if they had 5 sequels. So, here's the countdown:

3. T1000
Villain of Terminator-2. He's like a sick demented version of James Dean [check out the hair]. Very sharp, ruthless, and cold steel. And that uniform! Bad bad cop. He can easily kill anyone, including Mr.Terminator himself if it wasn't for the big guns that he badly needed to kill him. T1000 on the other hand is already equipped in every way. He's liquid metal and can transform into anything he touches, human flesh and metal objects [swords, blades]. Being shot will affect his physical appearance, but then he'll just cover it up again. Emotionless, so he can execute his mission efficiently, no excuses.


2. Agent Smith
Yess, everybody loves Agent Smith. So smooth and so full of twisted words to fool his enemy. Though he does have a temper issue, but who wouldn't if you know you were 'designed' specifically to be the bad guy when you are so stinkin' smart and resourceful. I'd be pissed off [not really]. He's pissed off because he's just a program and the matrix is suffocating him. But the truth is, he just makes me laugh. He never stops trying and the good guys never give him a break, he gets pissed off but he still goes on! Perseverance! What a great example. Agent Smith is like the aching pimple on your chin. No, wait, that's disgusting. He is a volcano eagerly struggling to erupt.

1. Darth Maul
Need I say more? I considered putting Vader for he was the one who lasted longer out of the two, but come on! Vader was previously the 'crybaby' Anakin. Darth Maul is such an obedient student, so patient, so dexterous. He died by the hands of Obi-Wan-Kenobi. So noble the death was. I know there is more to his history than there was in the film but I'm too lazy too read the books. He's a much evil person in there, that's why he deserves to top this list. The double ended red lightsaber is such a trademark. Plus, he has the dark side of the force! What more can you ask? Spikey head, black & red tattooed skin, and evil eyes.


There you go. Now, moving along I'd like to share with you another kind of villain. Me. What kind of a villain shall I be? Well basically, I'll be a mix of these 2:












Neo and Lady Deathstrike. From Neo, his cool factor and intelligence, not the fact that he's the chosen one. From Lady Deathstrike, her mutant powers of course [I may compensate with daggers] and her eyes, not the hair. Enhanced from both characters, the fighting skills! I cannot go solo so I would be working under a bigger force, I am second in charge, always beside my boss. My boss? Possibly a very sick and dying one, very frail though king-like figure. But no I won't be the nanny taking care of him, that'll be his reluctant daughter. I'm all for the fun and glory and passion. Money? Stored away for a rainy day. I would twist my words so beautifully as Agent Smith would, but with a very polite manner, that my enemy [the good guys] would find me charming & just can't wait to knock me out. Cunning shall I be, like Blackadder.

I shall become...the ultimate villain.

My name...Axel Rozz. [I'v been so fond of that name recently...I hope Axl Rose won't mind]


don't pay much attention to this pic. it's taken years back.

Need Solitary Confinement

Oh darn! And I thought this long holiday would be productive. A week in and I'm already getting annoyed. There's still a lot to do but I don't feel like they're enough in the sense of productivity. Or am I just lazy? It's the heavy mist again. I hope I can get rid of it before it suffocates me like last year.

I can't really headbang & sing with this new voice since it 'boom's too much [hoho poyo!] and neighbours are pretty close. But becoz I do it anyway, I have to be alert for any indication of me causing any disturbance.

Creative juices are still flowing alright but not as well when I'm in all locked up by myself. Just had 2 ideas for a new story. Lyrics & poems are getting more affected by DragonForce & Helloween. Fantasy.

Just wish I can get a new videocam to shoot videos...crappy stuff to post on Youtube and then get trashed by vicious comments.

Working at the day care only takes up 5% of my time every day. But it's worth it, interaction with kids, playing fun, bullying the little big mouths. What joy.

I envy prisoners. By being in solitary confinement or just being in a cell for a great length of time, it can turn one's mind into a very innovative tool. They become very resourceful. That is fierce. The brain adapts and compensates. No wonder I feel like a stud...I have everything to satisfy my needs...for the moment.

I am now counting on the internet to give me the thrills and ideas to move along throughout this long rest with a high spirit. Maybe I sould make a smoke bomb and...oooooh...hehehe [laugh turns evil]. No one will ever know.

But anyway! Dudes, give me ideas of what to do or invite me if you're doing anything creative. Let's hang out in the rain for all I care.

Go Genting !!

The day was awesome but in some ways confusing [to be explained later on]. Everything went smoothly according to plan, which I should give credits to my sister, Along for being such a wise conscience that I needed in planning this day.

There were 8 people altogether, me being the eldest, my other sister Aisyah, my bro Faris, and cousins: Dhuha, Hajar, Epi, Tasneem, Hannan. In the photo, from left, it would be: Hannan, Tas, Hajar, Aisyah, Doo, Me, Faris, & Epi.

I'd love to bore you with the detailed version of this report but unless you're a family member, I doubt you'd be in the least bit interested. So here's the exceptionally brief & pictorial version. [The timeline isn't 100% accurate, they're all -ish2, if you know what I mean]

0730 - met up at UKM KTM Station to head to KL Sentral Station. It was
too early for some of us (the school boys). But never for us girls!










0830 - reached KL Sentral. Bought food supplies and the 'Go Genting Package' tickets.

'Go Genting Package'
The tickets costs RM47 since we went on a public holiday. They cost RM42 on normal days.
It includes the 2-way bus & skyway tickets, and the Genting All Park Theme Park Day Ride Pass.




0900 - Our bus was at 1045, so we had to...'lepak' until it was time.
Waiting + annoyed = Dunkin Donuts.











1045 - Bus ride to Genting Highlands.
It took an hour so, Ipod ON!

















1200 - Made our way to the Genting Skyway cable cars.

What a crowd!

It was like playing 'Snakes' with a room full of strangers.


1230 - Skyway ride! A 15 minutes preview of what was to come.
We had our lunch throughout the ride.







1245 - Independently directed ourselves to the Outdoor Park. Successfully avoided the '1st Timers' syndrome. We nearly got lost, but not completely.











1300 - Got in! YEAAH! Finally!












6 hour journey to have fun, unbelievable. But it was worth a ride for the experience. Or should I say rides. Here are some of which we had the opportunity to venture upon.

The confusing things:
1. The weather - Sometimes it was like the sun was trying to kill us and then later the fog was trying to freeze us. I blame global warming.

2. Mood swings - Sometimes we were having the time of our lives on the rides then later we find ourselves bored to death waiting in line, loathing the others around us: the smoking couple, the gay Indians, the orange couple (touchy2), the very skinny guy in a very tight white trousers and his friends & girlfriends.

3. The lines were tremendously long when we were waiting. But after we had our ride and got off, the lines were half shorter.




























1 ride for every hour. Waiting in line took up 95% of each hour. Time flies when you're having fun...so our fun was incredibly short compared to everything else. But every ride was worth the experience. Especially the Space Shot, it was the closest we could ever get to suicide via jumping off a building. Free fall rocks!! Sky-diving is on my list.

We ended the day with a waffle treat and made our way back to the front gate to exit. Then we saw that the Spinner near the gate was lacking passengers. And so, what the hell! That's why I ticked the Spinner twice.

1945 - 2300
Our journey home. No pictures were taken because we were dead tired and had to rush a bit. But syukur alhamdulillah! Everything went smoothly. Got to our 2030 bus to KL Sentral just in time. We did our prayers at KL Sentral, bought some food for dinner, and darted home.

If only someone could invent a gadget for recording feelings. I wouldn't want to forget the thrills I felt that day. They made me feel alive, man. YEEAAH!!

Okay cuzs, here's the challenge: Whoever can keep the Genting wristband on the longest, wins.
Dateline: Family day on 31st May. The boys are already out. Skolah punya pasal..hehe..

Damaged !!

Damn it! Why is it that when you're really in need of that certain object, it either goes missing or ends up retarded as hell. This shouldn't be, my life is no cliche!! Aaarrgh!

I'm going on holiday tomorrow with the greatest people in my life and found out just a couple hours ago that the camcorder is crapped up. Digi cams are working fine, great but I'm gonna need some live feed there. I know I can get videos with digi cams too but what if I want photos at the same time?
Just hope the rest of the group has cameras too.


We're all exited. All cousins day out. YEAH!! Let's sing for smooth sailing ahead! I wonder if I should bring my ipod along. Maybe I should, since it's gonna be a long bus ride. Plus just in case it gets too dull, I'd need Alter Bridge, A7X, and Muse to keep me giddy. Hahaha!


Since we all tend to turn out gothic when we're together, I hope this won't be like the 'Emo Roadtrip' from Youtube. Hahahaha!

Failed Supremacy

So little have fate left us to reason,

No more room to breathe and to grow,
The faith that lies in every person,
One by one, they fall to sorrow,

Whatever lies in between the fractured soul,
Beauty upholds and stands so true,
As red as the blood that you once sold,
We burn all hope and humanity too,

Up on the mountains we hear them roar,
Across the plains it seeps and spreads,
Behold the power, from the river it pours,
All creatures once roam indeed now dead.

...this was my 30min break from my part-time job at my mom's day-care center...twas my 1st day...
..too..many..kids...must..destroy..inanimate object...censored!

Birthdays...

Happy 16th Birthday to my bro, Faris. JE is his nick. Actually, we were a few days late for this little celebration. His actual birthday-day was ruined by...ME! Sorry! Gomen!

Some chain of events led me to terribly disappoint my parents on that day. But is was also a turning point to a better and improved conscience. The hope finally returns! woo..that reminded me of Star Wars. A New Hope & Jedi Returns. Hahaha! And hope I do that this budding strength shall grow and last. At least untill I face the new unknown. Dare you elude me?! Baah! Hummbug! [what the heck]

The hardest exam of all is growing up. There are no answer schemes to ace it. It's either you hit or miss, then you move on, no turning back. It's kinda exciting now that I recently managed to get back on my feet. Like the line in "Batman Begins", "Bruce, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up." I wonder when I'm gonna hit my next wall, no more plunging into darkness!

No patterns of success can be mapped out because we're humans, we're unstable. So the end result, to me, doesn't really matter since we're all going to die anyway. Here's a cliche: The journey by far is the most important and most exciting. Quotes! "The best thing to do is to fulfil your present needs" - 28 Laws of Attractions. "Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same" - All At Once by The Fray.

Birthdays are reminders of how far we've gone.

Best of luck!!

"the unexamined life is not worth living, man"

Okay, skip this if you're not interested in psychological theories.

What strikes me the most about Demetri [read previous post] is that he has a great outlook on life. Well yeah with him being a comedian and all but they have ups & downs too..[I'm supposed to recommend a movie here but can't recall the effin title] But being a comedian also gives him the advantage, he analyzes the living for every possible detail just so he can poke fun at it. He mentioned something in 1 of his acts which correlates profoundly to what was written in that book I'm reading, "Choice Theory". It was that [I'll use Demetri's version to uncomplicate things] we have our own personal lense that we use to view the world into and this lense has been shapen by our previous experiences.

I wish I could quote a sentence from the book but I left it somewhere far away. So I'll just write what I remember from my comprehension of it. We all have our own personal 'quality worlds' where in it we store our most cherished people, objects, or experiences. I imagine mine as electrons circulating around & over me. These cherished beings or things can't simply be put into or pulled out of a quality world like pocket change. To gain access they must have at least once in your previous experiences fulfilled 1 or more of your crucial needs: survival, love & belonging, power, freedom, fun & learn. We trust those items to make us feel complete. Now, it is this world that we use to relate to the external world, this is our lense. This is why we percieve very differently from others or even similar if those electrons consist of the same item and vibrate on the same frequency in individuals.

It was a big one for me to swallow bcoz frankly, I'm self-obsessed and I keep wanting to make other people agree with me. I'm still wrapping myself around all this bcoz I got so used to my ancient thinking. There's more to this actually but c'mon already! Shut the F up EDD!

And all that thinking & typing is making me dizzy [not to mention skipping a night's sleep]...I'm going for breakfast with my parents...YEEAAH!! Please feel free to share your thoughts about all this. I'm open to any other...stuff. Laterz.

Insomniac

Heyy.....................
Yes......the title says it all......I had like 3 ginourmous mugs of highly caffeinated beverage yesterday, I tried to theoretically decrease it's concentration by adding milk but then again...they're called theories for a reason. I'm the human factor...unstable. Wait a minute...was it a scientific theory or a common household myth? Talking of theories, I'll get back to you on that. I guess that brief warmth from taking in coffee triumphs over my survival instincts of getting enough sleep. So what on God's earth did I do last night? Well.............

> Chat with a few peeps while my head bobs along [headbang] to Megadeth's "United Abominations"...this only lasted until around 0200.
> Dug deep into this vast web to look for movies worth downloading...came up with a few: "This Is Spinal Tap", "Fubar", "Thank You For Smoking", & "The Orphanage" - thanx 4 the heads up syirol.
>Being the YOUTUBE freak that I am...I found this guy, Demetri Martin, an award winning international comedian...great stuff...worth a visit..go! Or not...whatever. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcwfdFT1ohE
>Downloading a crap load of albums...expect reviews in a few days@weeks.

Holy Crap! I'm on the downhill run...

Am I twisted to even consider this a hobby? I guess I work better in hardship...you know...when 'your life depends on it' kinda situation. Being on top makes me a cruel2 person, I'd live hating myself...it's better this way. Everything happens for a reason. I put myself in God's hands. Let the flow of fate drown me. I never ask for anything...is that a problem? Occasionally.

So what do we do when we're down in the dirt? We relieve ourselves! Yay! If I could, I'd get high..get wasted! But in real life, I choose to write...in every form possible. The pen is my mighty stick! I compose poems and screenplays, or simply just spill my thoughts. Only today have I successfully made a song! Yay! But my guitar skills still suck...I'm still learning dudes. Other than that, I sing/headbang to songs. I tend to mimick my favourite voices such as Matt Bellamy, Myles Kennedy, Tarja Turunen, Enya...those are the extremes of each categories. I love Phil Anselmo's vocals and I'd give anything to have that growl...even my dignity as a woman [joke]. Damn I'd love to be in a band. Anybody out there looking for a vocalist? Or anybody willing to teach me to play guitar or smoke pott [joke].

Turning Leaves

Greetings, heres to the first and many more to come. I'd like to thank Ib who unconciously put the idea of starting my own blogging habit. I've read a few blogs before but it never occured to me to actually start my own coz the ones I've been to aren't worth mentioning due to sensitive issues -coughs hard- .

Well, the reason the title up there is "turning leaves" is because...that's what most of us basically do in every step of the way anyway. At least those who take time to analyze whatever hell or good fortune they've been through at any period of time. [Dang it...words are easier to come with a pen...still getting used to this] And I'm one of those people, maybe even one of the elites! Hahaha! I take time looking into my past, my childhood, how everything comes to be as I am today [messed up]...but I'm not done yet. Coz I'm still not okay with where I'm at today. But sometimes I just get confused...am I looking back to honestly improve myself or to simply play the blame game for a present failure? I need to look back on that :P

I'm not really a believer in those zodiac signs and stuff...what do they call it again? Nevermind. But I can relate to mine easily: aquarius. I'm sure a lot of you can too. I'm easily moved by any forces of nature...like water currents. I know sometimes feelings can get in the way of rationale but I just love the bursts of emotions. I remember at 8 years old, before going to sleep in bed, I would imagine that my whole family suddenly abandons me [i'm still asking myself why, kept doing it until 11] making myself cry. I was brought up in a pretty happy and nourishing environment which shows no signs of abuse or deliberate neglect by both parents, but I just wanted to feel what i keep seeing on tv...i guess [does Oliver Twist ring a bell?].
Flowing through the ages of time. Maybe that's why I've gone through a lot of phases...extreme ones. Struggling to find a strength pole, I've alternated being tomboy and girlish for a few years until I was in...until I reached puberty. Then rapper, then punk, then a transient religious phase [wow!], then rock, and finally an avid rocker/metalhead. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm an emo kid since I was born...obviously. Of course we all feel unique and different in many ways, but some wants to be part of the term 'normal' while others just want to be part of the difference...thus exploring their unique-ness [is that even a word?] I belong to the latter. Proudly!

Alrighty then, I should stop before I blabber much longer and trail off the topic..which I might already have. This is why diaries steer away from me...I'm too much of a load for existence. HELLYEEAAHH!!