of past, present, & future

Dear Brook,

Brook, my previous journal. Now used for poems/lyrics storage.

Good day.
First of all, I'm feeling very good these past few days. I feel useful. I'll tell why later. I think this is a good time to jot down a few thoughts or self improvements before I forget them like I usually do.

Past:

Yes, I was a very macho baby...

Something I hate to lose. It's not like I'm holding grudges against my past [or still] enemies or have not yet forgiven myself for tripping over so much. It's just like in our studies, we revise or 'ulangkaji' the notes, I revise my memories of previous events over and over again, enquiring why the hell it happened the way it did and not otherwise: sub-junctions [from 'History Boys']. I am a believer of fate, but even fate has it's chain of events [The String Theory...yet to be read]. And also like in our studies, as we mature, we find some things are now easier to understand, to accept and even answer or respond to.

Unlike the puzzling riddle: "Which comes first, the chicken or the egg?", I personally have a definite answer on this one. The problems arrive first, being very obscure and very complicated, then we learn to deal with it and eventually dig our way out, thus achieving a new level of maturity. A situation I call 'Level Up!'. Our ability to reign over our future predicaments depends on how much we've matured. Different individuals achieve varying intensities which may be reflected by a lot of factors I have yet to ponder. Problem solving might take years on end or it might only take a few days. Depression can be a side effect to a chronic problem solving phase. Psychosomatic diseases may follow in chronic depression [I'm a victim, back pains - can't 'rukuk' properly]

That is why I think, the more you were in trouble in the past, the more successful you may become in the future, depending on those unclassified factors I mentioned. Some of them may include family support, friends, environment, and even diet. Negative influences attract negative results. Always look on the brighter side of life. Okay, sometimes it does feel better to dwell upon the darker side...I myself am a villain...but that transient bliss is fueled by the devil. So make sure you anchor yourself before you enter that kingdom.

My previous self was very cowardly. I may still be. I never really socialized with people out of my age range. I hardly socialized with my own. My life only revolved around my big family. This affected my level of social skills and self confidence . A problem I'm still struggling with to this today. I was a very eruptive child, a very moody one. I even liked to externally abuse my kid sister [pull her hair, slap and pinch her] with no reason. I was like a tiny Hitler! External abuse is seen as a common method of child upbringing in our culture since long ago. Parents do it to their children, the children pick it up early on and practiced among themselves. I don't agree with it now that I've grown out of it and I think it should be prevented. But I'm not against mental torture yet . Hehehe...

Present:

Shadow Puppeteer

The reason why I'm feeling good lately is that I've been helping out a lot more around the house than previously, doing chores, tending the fishes out in our pond and working out. Even my back pain is regressing, a definite sign that I'm healing from the depressing phase I chose to undergo a few months ago. Taking to heart what I've read in one of the many books, I think I even quoted it before in one of my posts. To optimize the use of the present time. Filling every second with something constructive. Getting the experience!

Other than supervising the kids at the day-care [which I'm really enjoying now], I've also decided to build a worm farm. I'm still in the researching and experimenting phase. Nothing is for sure yet. I'm also making myself read a lot. Nothing related to dentistry of course, just anything to my interests, mentalism, psychology, etc. To my surprise, I've taken too much of my time on these activities that I haven't been watching television for 3 days in a row now. At least not a whole program or movie, just a few minutes now and then. I wonder how I'm going to fit in my sword forging plan.

I know it may sound like I've finally found myself, but I'm clueless of what I may become if stress returns into my life. The future.

Future:

The rise of Axel Rozz

I try not to think of where I 'might' end up. Just taking in this glorious present. My time is here and now. I only think of my near future, like the list of things I should experience through out my holiday. Marriage, and riches are out of the question. Career? I keep hoping that it would actually involve my interests. Then I wouldn't have to call it a 'job', it's my passion. A great reason to live a life, but not the only one.

To gradually improve, we can only hope for the best. Planning may help but excessive planning makes you a stalker of your own life. There are easier ways to get what you want. It may involve you stalking the passion instead of your life.

Look, I may be wrong to some or most of you, but this is how I see things through my lense in this present time. I am still in the process of expanding my theories and experiences.

Later days...