The Edd Identity & Ultimatum

Dear Brook [who I recently retrieved],

Last year I nearly lost my sanity from the shock of realizing how blind I was towards the possibilities of me leading my OWN life. Chances had been flashing themselves tirelessly but I shunned them down because I felt so sure that the path I was on was the best path. As I saw it then, it was grand, it would lead me to a luxurious life for eternity, and it would make my parents proud. The best luck anyone could have. But it's not the right path, at least it isn't for me. It never had been and it never will be. I'm sorry if I have been feeding off somebody else's luck but I thought it had my name on it. And being someone who has a very common name in this community, I should've anticipated it.

[Relax, this is not a post about me whining my regrets off for sympathy. I wouldn't call it an epiphany either since I've been formulating this concept for quite some time. Let's just say I'm recapping and re-evaluating my current psychological status.]

I'd like to blame the world for this mistake but it was the world that made me realize this whole thing. So I thought a little closer to home, me. It was my own fault, I was too much of a coward to rise up, I was too lazy to push out, and I thought too little of myself and life itself. I have no right to blame it over my family the way I had over these years. My parents had no other reason but to give me the best they could for my success in life the way they know & feel what success is. They had no idea I would encounter this boulder in life, they had no idea I would take this turning point and blow it out of proportions just so I can get down to the details of each mind-boggling thought.

What the hell is so mind-boggling to you, oh bewildering Edd??!!

I call it the ultimate purpose in life. I know it's no petty nonsense whispered to me by some devilish being because:

> I found who I am today by dwelling on that question for the past year.
>> I am 10 times happier and comfortable with myself today than I had ever been since ever.
>>> I stopped lying to myself to make things appear okay.
>>>> I recently found a book that kind of agrees with my concept. They call it 'the core motive'. It's a little different from mine but there are similarities. My concept is a little too extreme but it works for me.

So obviously I'm not the only one who feels it. Which primarily means that it's a gut-feeling that may erupt in whoever seeks it. You can trust your gut-feeling because we are born innocent and our insides are the only matter that won't be tainted by this world full of influences. If you are still unsure, pray to the higher power [the Almighty] for guidance. He will help you.

Anyway, I sound like I'm promoting one of those self-motivate books. Now you know what I've been reading. :P

I basically started asking myself [this happened a few year ago], "Why am I not happy?"
I had all the basics that a human being needs to lead a fulfilling life. I was well equipped financially, spiritually [insyAllah], socially [just about enough], a close-knit family, and I was on a full scholarship to get a degree in dentistry. I couldn't quite point out the cause of that hurt.


And then I realized how this whole course is really boring me. Not like yawn-boring but like I-can't-breathe-anymore-boring. I know mind over matter works but what the hell?! I'm no robot, I can't program myself to love something my guts hate.

That's when everything spun out of control. Everyday, all that went through my head was, "What the fcuk?!" over and over again. And then I said it, "I don't belong here, it's not what I'm made for". It took me a while to get the strength to say it out loud. I was flabbergasted, I was furious, it was all too ugly to swallow. I was overwhelmed with regret.


Then came the 2-year period of chronic depression where I did nothing to overcome the whole ordeal of realizing the many years I have wasted to prepare myself for something I decided not to do. I was angry nearly all of the time, I lost my sense of purpose, and all I did was just float along hoping the frustration would wear off just so I can please a few people who cared. 'Surprisingly', it didn't wear off.

I managed to pass my 2nd year by floating along. Unfortunately in my 3rd year, I fell into the bottomless pit after 2007's raya celebration. You know that 'calmness' before the storm? That raya holiday with my wonderful cousins was the calmness. I had so much fun, I missed how happy I could be when I'm not doing what I was doing. I missed being happy. The storm came when I realized that all those time when I was trying to be happy floating along, it never happened.

Eventually, the flood dried up and I was no longer floating. I was lagging, deliberately. I kept myself busy by looking for my real self. I neglected studies, I skipped classes, I ignored the world. I was being selfish. Believe me there are the right ways of being selfish and this wasn't it. But however wrong I have been, I didn't regret taking this turn because I learnt much more about myself than I ever would if I took this feeling just for another hiccup in life.


I locked myself in. It was kind of a self experiment other than being a withdrawal from the society. I wanted to know how much of myself had been influenced by the outside world. Then the concept of my ultimate purpose came to be. I wanted to know what I was actually engineered for in this life, what kind of carreer would be fitting? Could it be that only then I would be happy? After ridding off what wasn't me, I was left very dried up, miserable from the emptiness. All these years I failed to grow up. All I did was grow old, serving as a waste basket, eating up what everybody else was eating, doing what they did, no questions asked. Wasted.

All it did for me then was turn me into a ball of emotional rage. Simply said, emo! The thoughts of taking my own life invaded my sanity. The only thing that kept me from doing so, my religion and my family. May I remind everyone that nobody knew what was going on, even though I did express my hatred of the course to my ex-classmates and once to my mom, they had no idea of the depth.

Just 2 months from the final examinations, finally, somebody noticed I was troubled and decided to take action. She talked to me. Though it didn't help much at that time, one day I really want her to know that she inspired me to become a better person. I ended up telling my family what was going on and like any other, they worried. The actual reason why I kept it from them, the fear of hurting your loved ones. But it had to be done.

Consequently from all those days of searching for my soul, I lost points in attendance and thus was barred from the finals. I must admit, I was asking for it, literally. All the pressure from too many people trying to get me up back on my feet was making me feel claustrophobic. After I found out I was barred, I smiled. I was relieved. I wouldn't be able to pass anyway, trust me. So I'm behind a year, so what! There's a reason for everything.

And so during my year end break, I exhorted myself in doing a lot of activities.
> I was on a road to self improvement, or better yet I was re-building certain features of myself and took a break from looking for my ultimate purpose.
>> I read books of psychological theories and listened to a few of my idol's life story and decided that I shouldn't just follow blindly but take into consideration of how it could affect me the way I want it to.
>>> I understood the meaning of being an individual and decided to turn myself into one.
>>>> I started this blog the day after I found out I was barred [thanks to Ib].

And though, yes, I am still in this course and not where I think I belong but as I said before, there's a reason for everything. I still hate what I'm doing but I can deal with hate & anger much better than before. I recover to happiness quicker than before. It's better to be here doing this while I'm wandering for my soul instead of being nowhere doing nothing & end up empty handed. Life is all about looking for answers anyways.

I have formulated that my ultimate purpose isn't a single item or goal because life is a journey through time, not a spot. Whatever or wherever I am from now on, if I live by my principles, I will gradually be living my purpose. One of the principles is to follow my bliss, which for now is writing, psychology, and music. Another principle is to be moderate but thorough at the same time, just in case I get a little over-excited.


It might not seem like anything to you but to me it was a rock-climb. I know it will get steeper from now on but it would be fun to discover more of myself from now on.

Dear God,
Let me be more than what I am today. I ask you for wealth but not of money, fame, & status but of happiness, knowledge, & clarity. Thank you.

I am happier.
I will be more.

Later days...