Brook, I can't get this film out of my head. In most ways, it reminds me quite a lot of 'The Separation'. It' about human, life, and emotions. And both films end with their lives moving on, with no conclusive happy endings. I hope in the future, this is what I will be able to put forth.
I realize that it's impossible for me to start doing them here, under the current dean at UiTM's film school. I can surely try and he will surely shut me down for being 'syok sendiri'. Really? And even so, wouldn't that be my choice? Somehow I feel like he belongs to those Classical Hollywood producers where only profit matters. Showbiz. No, not me. That is not my path. And so now, I can only endure.
15 March 2013
13 March 2013
Through the Looking Glass
Wow! It has been quite a while HAHAHAHA!
Oh Brook, you old sod. Frankly, I think its because blogging is no longer a trend. That's why I've slowed down terribly. But its really good exercise in language usage. I read my old and earlier posts and get jealous of myself, so I should keep it up, yes? To become a better writer, YES.
So here we go.
For the sake of record keeping, I am now in my 3rd semester at UiTM Puncak Perdana which means I've just started my 2nd year. To be honest with you [Brook], I'm quite nervous about this year. I'm feeling the jitters. More so than the previous year because I'm getting closer to reality. The working life. And 30 [gulp].
List of courses, Semester 3:
- Directing 1
- Cinematography 1
- Single Camera Production
- Post Production (Editing)
- Documentary Script
- Arts Law
- Introduction to Psychology & Sociology
...and 2 language courses. The top 4 courses are core subjects and within 2 months we will be practising them in a production of a short film.
One thing about UiTM thats so different from my studies at UKM is that UiTM rushes you against time. UKM is more calm and takes its time to slowly wean the knowledge into you. But I guess it is necessary within my field because TIME will be an enemy in any production other than finance.
Enough recapping my current situation, let's get a topic going.
I'm really bad at talking about current issues because I prefer a history lesson of some hundred years ago. Current issues nowadays, especially in Malaysia is being bent here and there for political reasons while our politicians are bashing and blaming each other like school kids. Its really not as amusing when you realize they run your country. [I really need to listen more to David Mitchell to be able to rant with humour and intelligence]. I have always guiltily kept a blind-eye towards all that because my brain hates boring stuff.
So no current issues. My gosh I'm empty. I recently have noticed that I am bad at conversations. And realizing this made it worse. Another is being an introvert and having a little social anxiety. Realizing the problem makes it worse! It's like I have labelled myself.
And now my brain is tired. Toodles!
Oh Brook, you old sod. Frankly, I think its because blogging is no longer a trend. That's why I've slowed down terribly. But its really good exercise in language usage. I read my old and earlier posts and get jealous of myself, so I should keep it up, yes? To become a better writer, YES.
So here we go.
For the sake of record keeping, I am now in my 3rd semester at UiTM Puncak Perdana which means I've just started my 2nd year. To be honest with you [Brook], I'm quite nervous about this year. I'm feeling the jitters. More so than the previous year because I'm getting closer to reality. The working life. And 30 [gulp].
List of courses, Semester 3:
- Directing 1
- Cinematography 1
- Single Camera Production
- Post Production (Editing)
- Documentary Script
- Arts Law
- Introduction to Psychology & Sociology
...and 2 language courses. The top 4 courses are core subjects and within 2 months we will be practising them in a production of a short film.
One thing about UiTM thats so different from my studies at UKM is that UiTM rushes you against time. UKM is more calm and takes its time to slowly wean the knowledge into you. But I guess it is necessary within my field because TIME will be an enemy in any production other than finance.
Enough recapping my current situation, let's get a topic going.
I'm really bad at talking about current issues because I prefer a history lesson of some hundred years ago. Current issues nowadays, especially in Malaysia is being bent here and there for political reasons while our politicians are bashing and blaming each other like school kids. Its really not as amusing when you realize they run your country. [I really need to listen more to David Mitchell to be able to rant with humour and intelligence]. I have always guiltily kept a blind-eye towards all that because my brain hates boring stuff.
So no current issues. My gosh I'm empty. I recently have noticed that I am bad at conversations. And realizing this made it worse. Another is being an introvert and having a little social anxiety. Realizing the problem makes it worse! It's like I have labelled myself.
And now my brain is tired. Toodles!
06 November 2012
Liberica beans & Snail crackers
Dear God,
What is this feeling? I am obsessed and I cannot focus on my studies. I need to get rid of this feeling. Why is it so hard? It's just a feeling. It is just hormonal fluctuations. It is just my brain teasing my shallow perceptions and emotional desperation. My physical being is just one part of me while the other part is my soul, my life. God can take my soul even if my physical is in perfect condition. But He wouldn't make such an impressive anomaly out of me, I am not a perfect being. Not perfect in His sense, not ours.
What should I do to forget this feeling? No, not forget, but erase. I need to erase it. To forget is letting it be hidden from view until a reminder uncovers it. I don't want to be reminded of how I am brought down to my knees just because of this unexplainable feeling. There will be no end to it and because of this, I should stop pondering upon it. No matter how many gallons of coffee I drink, no matter how many tons of food I stuff myself with, as long as I do not reveal this feeling, it will come to nothing. But what of my prayers, my God? I have been praying. But not good enough I assume, not good enough. Too selfish a need, it has become an obsessive requirement.
If he is meant for me then I beg You to make him come to me even in my seclusion from society. I must remain on this path to You, I must remain on my mission for You. I will not forget my past and I will not let it haunt me, let it fuel me instead.
What is this feeling? I am obsessed and I cannot focus on my studies. I need to get rid of this feeling. Why is it so hard? It's just a feeling. It is just hormonal fluctuations. It is just my brain teasing my shallow perceptions and emotional desperation. My physical being is just one part of me while the other part is my soul, my life. God can take my soul even if my physical is in perfect condition. But He wouldn't make such an impressive anomaly out of me, I am not a perfect being. Not perfect in His sense, not ours.
What should I do to forget this feeling? No, not forget, but erase. I need to erase it. To forget is letting it be hidden from view until a reminder uncovers it. I don't want to be reminded of how I am brought down to my knees just because of this unexplainable feeling. There will be no end to it and because of this, I should stop pondering upon it. No matter how many gallons of coffee I drink, no matter how many tons of food I stuff myself with, as long as I do not reveal this feeling, it will come to nothing. But what of my prayers, my God? I have been praying. But not good enough I assume, not good enough. Too selfish a need, it has become an obsessive requirement.
If he is meant for me then I beg You to make him come to me even in my seclusion from society. I must remain on this path to You, I must remain on my mission for You. I will not forget my past and I will not let it haunt me, let it fuel me instead.
04 May 2012
My 'Assassin's Creed' Essay for English Class
 |
| The Assassin Ancestors |
The
Assassin’s Creed series is a chain of
video games developed and published by Ubisoft. It is a sandbox style
action-adventure-stealth video game released near the end of 2007. The first of
the series, Assassin’s Creed, won
many awards for ‘Best Game’ and ‘Best Graphics’ and at the same time instigated
a solid fan base across the globe. After releasing four main series, 7 spin-off
games, and another main series called Assassin’s
Creed III coming soon in October, it seems that the wave is still going
strong. Multiple numbers of graphic novels, fiction novels, and video shorts
have been produced regarding the game’s storyline, further perpetuating the
craze of enthusiasm. This essay will examine some of the factors that make this
video game such a successful franchise including, the storyline, the gameplay,
and the message behind the passion.
The background story features a
central character called Desmond Miles, who is a descendant of a long line of
Assassins. He was brought up to become one of the Assassins and was required to
undergo rigorous training routines since his childhood years. Unable to
understand the purpose, he abandoned the life to search for a normal one. He
was later kidnapped by Abstergo
Industries which was run by the modern-day Knights Templar, the age-old arch nemesis of the Assassins. He was
experimented upon by the Templars using a device called the Animus which enables Desmond to
experience the memories of his Assassin ancestors. The first ancestor featured
on the first series was the Syrian, Altaïr Ibn La’Ahad, a disgraced member of
the Assassin’s Brotherhood trying to redeem himself in 1191 during the 3rd
Crusade in the Holy Land. Assassin’s
Creed II featured an ancestor of Italian origins called Ezio Auditore da
Firenze, a young assassin who had just discovered his assassin family roots
during the late 15th and early 16th centuries of the Renaissance.
The reason Abstergo was sending Desmond to experience these memories was to
search for the missing artefacts called Pieces
of Eden or The Apple, which holds
within them great knowledge and consequent power to control humankind and
change its fate. The rich background story was influenced by real people and events
from different eras and geography but tweaked by the writers to be related to
one another. They also incorporate into the game partial traces of general
knowledge about the history of the world.
The gameplay is a non-linear action
adventure game played mainly through Desmond as he experiences the memory of his
ancestors and is controlled as the third-person in an open world that is only
limited by the assassin’s own experience. There will be a storyline to follow
and goals to accomplish in order to move on in the development of the narrative
but the speciality of this game is that the character has a wider level of
interaction than most where the character may move around by ground or
preferably by climbing onto the roofs to become more discreet as it
concentrates on parkour and stealth
movements. Other than the main assassination missions there will be side tasks
of collecting certain items or records to unlock special weapons or features.
The Assassin’s main weapon for his stealthy execution is the hidden blade which
undergoes numerous upgrades throughout the game series. There are also features
that allow the gamers to customize their own characters, choosing their own
choice of weapon combinations for the best kill action and colour scheme of his
attire.
The gaming experience of following in the footsteps of
the enigmatic ancestors’ itself is enough to absorb the gamers’ attention and
passion to commit but combined with the fascinating layers of storytelling, it
shoots the imagination out into a world of its own. The story contains
relatable subject matters to the real world which may provoke thoughts of
rebelliousness against the real Templars of the real world. The back-story of
the Pieces of Eden also contains a
message about how the human race has continually degraded itself through greed
in gathering resources on Earth and declaring wars over power struggles,
self-inflicting the atmosphere of apocalypse upon ourselves. Through a personal
experience after completing all four available main series, the passion for
‘the fight’ burns through and haunts the mind for days as it does have a ring
of truth to it. As a fan of this franchise, the Assassin’s Creed motto of “Nothing
is true, everything is permitted,” becomes a new personal goal to live by.
“Nothing is true” means we live in a world full of lies and uncertainties
whereby committing to any would lead us into a blinding doom. “Everything is
permitted” means we should do anything that is necessary and not let anything
bind us from accomplishing our rightful mission of guarding the sanctity of
human souls.
As a conclusion, the Assassin’s Creed is more than
just a video game requiring the execution of targets in bloodshed. The profound
historic backgrounds it present relates to the Pieces of Eden that holds the fate of the future. The lesson to be
taken here is that our future depends on our ability to learn from the past. It
could be that the developers of this video game is trying to invoke and
influence within its gamers to have a more open outlook at the state of the
world than merely corresponding to plain and simple assassination missions. This
gave birth to a large group of people who now secretly calls themselves
Assassins and lives by the code of ‘serving the light in the dark’. The battle
will continue in Assassin’s Creed III with
the ancestor Connor Kenway, a half Mohawk, half British Assassin during the
American Evolution.
25 April 2012
Nazis AND Zombies ??!!
Ok, it has been postponed for too long.
The dream I mentioned on my last post haha! Honestly, it has been bugging me since the day I dreamt it (damn, 'dreamt' isn't a real word?), as in an inspiration for movies and...stuff.
I never got to play Call of Duty when I wanted to last year. Even though I can play it now since my bro borrowed an Xbox (YAAAAYY!), but I lost interest. Plus, I must heed the calling of my Creed (hint). So I never got to kill the Nazi zombies.
So the first position I remember myself being in in the dream was, hiding, trying to escape the Nazis, actual Nazis, arm salute and all. While all this was happening, I was with a few people I was familiar with in the dream but not in real life. You know the feeling. And one of them was also my boyfriend. That's right, a dream boyfriend, which was hilarious because I actually know this guy in real life, only not that well. I hardly ever talk to him. Plus I'm not keen on having one right now.
So we were trying to escape but they saw us and we ended up in a chase. See how illogical this is, I mean the Nazis have an arsenal of killing machines and the only thing we had that could be considered as a weapon was if we broke off our own arms, chewed the meat off and snap the edges of the bone so it'll be pointy enough to pierce human flesh plus the Nazis' leather. Anyway, they failed to catch us as we were somehow running at the speed of
When we finally settled down and were sure that the Nazis had lost our trails, we started to look for clues to where we actually were. Looking at papers and letters to find out who the house belonged to. As we wondered towards the back of the house, we started hearing moans and groans of an abnormal human nature from the floors. If I had the knowledge of zombie hunting, which I'm positive I do (Thank you Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost), I would immediately suspect ZOMBIES. Unfortunately, my dream brain failed to get a connection into my 'partially useless general knowledge archive' section of my brain. I have bad connections, what can I say. So we went and opened the locked basement door anyways. GREAT! And so the adventure continues and it was far more ridiculous than this that I don't think I could or should explain it all here.
There was a part which, I think, was inspired by a Harry Potter game I played 6 years ago. Goblins and jelly beans and such. Then I rode a...very tall car (???) with that dream boyfriend of mine. Then there were the graboids from Tremors. Oh but no vampires! Ahaa no Twilight for sure, but there should have been. I'd love to actual slay one. Bring back BLADE!!
Anyways, I have been trying to put a plot/story-line together based on this dream since it is very, very interesting. Tim Olyphant for the guy hero of course. Not as a boyfriend since I genetically cannot tolerate mushies (publicly, ahahaha!!). And I think this will be post-apocalypse type of concept, where everybody will be in survival mode (like The Road or Walking Dead, not like those 'a group of students went to an abandoned place and so on & so forth'). If anyone tries to take this story, go ahead! I believe it will be a challenge, just don't forget mention my name or put me in the movie instead haha. Capiche?
Later days zombies of the world!!
22 April 2012
The Journey So Far...
Dear Brook,
For the past 2 weeks, I had been busier than I had ever been in UKM. UiTM keeps you on your toes. Especially if you're in my course, Screen Creative Tech.. Frustrating? Nay! Tired? Definitely, but only now do I really feel like a student of the higher education, unlike 6 years earlier when I started out in UKM. I am starting to think that what I'm currently feeling now may confirm what my ex-Dean said to me in his office while discussing my black-list situation back then. I was too young and was not ready for the higher education (not his words at all, I'm just summing it up).
My brain, it was lagging, and my genetics left me no chance to stay afloat. We all have different ways of learning, different periods needed, and of course different talents embedded. 2 years ago I bought Daniel Goleman's Bestseller, Emotional Intelligence and it mentioned about Howard Gardner, a professor of education from Harvard who discovered the theory of Multiple Intelligences back in 1989 (PLEASE do Wiki it). Amazingly, it was what I had been looking for all along. Do you know that feeling? It was like I was somehow connected to it, fate...takdir. According to the book 'The People Code', a part of my personality is always feeling like 'I am on a mission from God', which I am proud of and I would do so if He allows it. And I believe this because for me, it had been true since before I even read the book. I had always been looking for my purpose in life. I know it sounds cliche but so is the truth. The truth is we are only the humble servants of God and we should only serve to His words while living amongst His epic masterpiece.
Now, other than my gut-feeling fated enlightenment after reading the finding, I also found my place and actually got myself here in UiTM. So far so good because I am still feeling the pulse of life and I am seeing good signs, insyAllah. So early on in starting this course, we were told we had to do an individual research, I was all 'FEMINISM! FEMINISM! FEMINISM!' in my head then. Until I bought 'Brain Rules', a month ago, which fatefully reminded me all about the by-then-forgotten theory of the Multiple Intelligences a week before we had to submit our research topic. So now my research title would be something like 'An Alternative Education System Based on the Theory of Multiple Intelligences'. I haven't a clue yet on where I should begin or how I should tackle the research. But I do feel that there is a ring of truth to the theory and that this is my path. I just have to keep my head straight and remember that this is my purpose.
p/s: i started the post wanting to write about a dream i had last night. see how easily i can lose my way? :P
later days...
For the past 2 weeks, I had been busier than I had ever been in UKM. UiTM keeps you on your toes. Especially if you're in my course, Screen Creative Tech.. Frustrating? Nay! Tired? Definitely, but only now do I really feel like a student of the higher education, unlike 6 years earlier when I started out in UKM. I am starting to think that what I'm currently feeling now may confirm what my ex-Dean said to me in his office while discussing my black-list situation back then. I was too young and was not ready for the higher education (not his words at all, I'm just summing it up).
My brain, it was lagging, and my genetics left me no chance to stay afloat. We all have different ways of learning, different periods needed, and of course different talents embedded. 2 years ago I bought Daniel Goleman's Bestseller, Emotional Intelligence and it mentioned about Howard Gardner, a professor of education from Harvard who discovered the theory of Multiple Intelligences back in 1989 (PLEASE do Wiki it). Amazingly, it was what I had been looking for all along. Do you know that feeling? It was like I was somehow connected to it, fate...takdir. According to the book 'The People Code', a part of my personality is always feeling like 'I am on a mission from God', which I am proud of and I would do so if He allows it. And I believe this because for me, it had been true since before I even read the book. I had always been looking for my purpose in life. I know it sounds cliche but so is the truth. The truth is we are only the humble servants of God and we should only serve to His words while living amongst His epic masterpiece.
Now, other than my gut-feeling fated enlightenment after reading the finding, I also found my place and actually got myself here in UiTM. So far so good because I am still feeling the pulse of life and I am seeing good signs, insyAllah. So early on in starting this course, we were told we had to do an individual research, I was all 'FEMINISM! FEMINISM! FEMINISM!' in my head then. Until I bought 'Brain Rules', a month ago, which fatefully reminded me all about the by-then-forgotten theory of the Multiple Intelligences a week before we had to submit our research topic. So now my research title would be something like 'An Alternative Education System Based on the Theory of Multiple Intelligences'. I haven't a clue yet on where I should begin or how I should tackle the research. But I do feel that there is a ring of truth to the theory and that this is my path. I just have to keep my head straight and remember that this is my purpose.
p/s: i started the post wanting to write about a dream i had last night. see how easily i can lose my way? :P
later days...
29 March 2012
The Journey Begins
Assalamualaikum...
26 years.
It took me 26 years to finally get on the right track. The transition is over. From here on forth, all my energy and knowledge shall be dedicated to my absolute goal. My dear God, Ya Allah, I live to serve You. I beg You not to make me lose my way this time. I realized that You have given me what I have always asked for, how blind I have been. How blinder could I still be? Is this Your comedy my dear Allah? I am a fool, for I am only Your servant.
UiTM is now my current field for knowledge gathering. Allow me to be frank, I miss UKM. As cliche as it sounds, it will always be in my heart. It was a place that gave me a special lesson...directly and indirectly. One of them was to trust Him no matter what. UKM was where I found that something was missing inside, it gave me a reason to start searching for what I needed to find - or at that time, what I thought I lost, happiness.
A never ending quest I suppose, that search for our purpose in life. Our sole purpose. I agree we should trust Him in giving us one when He pulled us out of the darkness in the first place. It's the beauty of this life He created. We are forever bound in this sacred pact of life, forever connected through the finest strings of molecular structure. I wish to preserve that. Now, I may or may not be where I should be, but I have reasons to believe that somehow, I am. And so I fear Your wrath, Dear Allah, forgive me if I ever overjoyed, ever too proud, for I am weak.
I got myself here, or was that You Allah? :) . And so lemons will not only be turned to lemonades but also lemon meringue pies, lemon tarts, lemony sponge cake with lemon flavoured butter cream filling.
Strength & Honour!
26 years.
It took me 26 years to finally get on the right track. The transition is over. From here on forth, all my energy and knowledge shall be dedicated to my absolute goal. My dear God, Ya Allah, I live to serve You. I beg You not to make me lose my way this time. I realized that You have given me what I have always asked for, how blind I have been. How blinder could I still be? Is this Your comedy my dear Allah? I am a fool, for I am only Your servant.
UiTM is now my current field for knowledge gathering. Allow me to be frank, I miss UKM. As cliche as it sounds, it will always be in my heart. It was a place that gave me a special lesson...directly and indirectly. One of them was to trust Him no matter what. UKM was where I found that something was missing inside, it gave me a reason to start searching for what I needed to find - or at that time, what I thought I lost, happiness.
A never ending quest I suppose, that search for our purpose in life. Our sole purpose. I agree we should trust Him in giving us one when He pulled us out of the darkness in the first place. It's the beauty of this life He created. We are forever bound in this sacred pact of life, forever connected through the finest strings of molecular structure. I wish to preserve that. Now, I may or may not be where I should be, but I have reasons to believe that somehow, I am. And so I fear Your wrath, Dear Allah, forgive me if I ever overjoyed, ever too proud, for I am weak.
I got myself here, or was that You Allah? :) . And so lemons will not only be turned to lemonades but also lemon meringue pies, lemon tarts, lemony sponge cake with lemon flavoured butter cream filling.
Strength & Honour!
29 September 2011
Quitting
The time has come for me to leave the pizza place. 7 months. More than half a year and I am left battered.
It is cruel what humanity demands of us.
It is cruel how the community demands their rights in needs.
It is too cruel when customers make a scene after waiting too long for their orders while we in the kitchen are going as fast as we can to fulfill their never ending lists of needs and wants supervised by the golden criteria. We too are hungry, we too are thirsty, and we work whether in pain or anger. They raise their voices in annoyance, we smile to soothe their patience, offer free pizza on their next order. All for a basic RM900.
The people I got to know, the type of people customers are and can be, I will try not to forget. But Allah knows how forgetful I am. They will always be strangers to me. I never belonged but it was an opportunity to learn and so learned I did. Hopefully I gained for the better.
I am leaving you now. Some others may follow. We are tired. Thank you for your patience.
Good bye Domino's Pizza Bangi.
It is cruel what humanity demands of us.
It is cruel how the community demands their rights in needs.
It is too cruel when customers make a scene after waiting too long for their orders while we in the kitchen are going as fast as we can to fulfill their never ending lists of needs and wants supervised by the golden criteria. We too are hungry, we too are thirsty, and we work whether in pain or anger. They raise their voices in annoyance, we smile to soothe their patience, offer free pizza on their next order. All for a basic RM900.
The people I got to know, the type of people customers are and can be, I will try not to forget. But Allah knows how forgetful I am. They will always be strangers to me. I never belonged but it was an opportunity to learn and so learned I did. Hopefully I gained for the better.
I am leaving you now. Some others may follow. We are tired. Thank you for your patience.
Good bye Domino's Pizza Bangi.
03 May 2011
The Chemistry
Salam,
I wish I had other things to put into words other than my days as a pizza maker/cashier at BBB's Domino's Pizza but I spend half my days there where the other half is spent sleeping at home. I must admit, my patience is running thin. I'm getting bored of repeating the same sentences over and over again. See, I can't be in a field of a mundane and repetitive nature. I need projects that requires frequent brainstorming. Maybe I'm frustrated because I can't stop and stare and daydream for long to come up with ideas. I am constantly dealing with human beings. I reminisce the days of being alone and again, I envy inmates.
The other thing that frustrates me is that our community is still blind and being stupid about not being able to throw their own garbage into those specifically made containers strategically placed [or not] around most buildings. Of course I'm pointing out the one at Dom's. It's heartbreaking! It's right their on their way out, just chuck em' in! Please people, learn to be responsible for your own mess. Isn't it part of being a muslim? I thank those who do understand and I will try my best to not be a hypocrite on this matter [Oh crap..kat umah kne improve this behavior]. The least we could do is to pile them up neatly to make things easier for the table cleaners or busboys. Never think we deserve better than the people that cleans up after us. It's degrading. We are all equal.
Boys will be boys. Boys and their antics. Some boys are good, some bad, and some ugly. When the good leaves, you won't feel good anymore and you feel like leaving too. But the good never forgets a friend, and that makes you feel good again. Good boy.
Later days...
I wish I had other things to put into words other than my days as a pizza maker/cashier at BBB's Domino's Pizza but I spend half my days there where the other half is spent sleeping at home. I must admit, my patience is running thin. I'm getting bored of repeating the same sentences over and over again. See, I can't be in a field of a mundane and repetitive nature. I need projects that requires frequent brainstorming. Maybe I'm frustrated because I can't stop and stare and daydream for long to come up with ideas. I am constantly dealing with human beings. I reminisce the days of being alone and again, I envy inmates.
The other thing that frustrates me is that our community is still blind and being stupid about not being able to throw their own garbage into those specifically made containers strategically placed [or not] around most buildings. Of course I'm pointing out the one at Dom's. It's heartbreaking! It's right their on their way out, just chuck em' in! Please people, learn to be responsible for your own mess. Isn't it part of being a muslim? I thank those who do understand and I will try my best to not be a hypocrite on this matter [Oh crap..kat umah kne improve this behavior]. The least we could do is to pile them up neatly to make things easier for the table cleaners or busboys. Never think we deserve better than the people that cleans up after us. It's degrading. We are all equal.
Boys will be boys. Boys and their antics. Some boys are good, some bad, and some ugly. When the good leaves, you won't feel good anymore and you feel like leaving too. But the good never forgets a friend, and that makes you feel good again. Good boy.
Later days...
12 April 2011
Mr.Muslim and Mr.Tanvee
Mr.Muslim
He came alone on a Sunday afternoon when the store was empty. He was tall and well [very well] built in the torso, very fair and looks Chinese. I thought he was Chinese until I heard his name [At Dom's we are required to acquire the customer's phone number and name for record]. He looked especially...gentle in his soft lavender tee and cream khaki shorts [below knee]. His voice was manly yet ever so charming and he smiles in gratitude. I had only one thing to say after you left the store Mr.Muslim, "You are a hunk!"
Mr.Tanvee
He came in today around 2pm. It was lunch hour but on a Monday so the store was pretty much empty with only a few other individuals scattered around the tables, waiting for their orders quietly. He looked Indian, I thought he was Malaysian Indian, so I said, "Selamat datang encik, sebelah sini encik," thumbing to the ordering counter. When he spoke, it was obvious he wasn't Malaysian. So I used my accented English just because I could. He had a British accent and so I met it with mine. Then he left for the 15 minutes guarantee period. Later, when he came for the pizza he said,"If you don't mind me saying, your English is very good, you sound very different, are you not from around here?" and so I told him how I've been over 'there' when I was a 'child' [I can't believe I used that word...why so formal haa? puyu]. He said that he was new in Bangi and he has met all kinds of people but, "you stand out the most...and your name, it's very...unique." I smiled wildly at the first compliment but pulled a very puzzled face for the latter, "Really? It's a very common Malaysian name." He seemed surprised and said he's never met anyone called Hidayah yet. I didn't know why I was rushing to end the conversation, I didn't even ask where he was from and why he moved here. But in the end when I said the common, "Thank you, come again." He replied, "Oh, I will. Thank you." That was nice. It made me happy for the rest of the day. I hope to see and talk to you again Mr.Tanvee.
Reporting live from Domino's BBB...later days.
He came alone on a Sunday afternoon when the store was empty. He was tall and well [very well] built in the torso, very fair and looks Chinese. I thought he was Chinese until I heard his name [At Dom's we are required to acquire the customer's phone number and name for record]. He looked especially...gentle in his soft lavender tee and cream khaki shorts [below knee]. His voice was manly yet ever so charming and he smiles in gratitude. I had only one thing to say after you left the store Mr.Muslim, "You are a hunk!"
Mr.Tanvee
He came in today around 2pm. It was lunch hour but on a Monday so the store was pretty much empty with only a few other individuals scattered around the tables, waiting for their orders quietly. He looked Indian, I thought he was Malaysian Indian, so I said, "Selamat datang encik, sebelah sini encik," thumbing to the ordering counter. When he spoke, it was obvious he wasn't Malaysian. So I used my accented English just because I could. He had a British accent and so I met it with mine. Then he left for the 15 minutes guarantee period. Later, when he came for the pizza he said,"If you don't mind me saying, your English is very good, you sound very different, are you not from around here?" and so I told him how I've been over 'there' when I was a 'child' [I can't believe I used that word...why so formal haa? puyu]. He said that he was new in Bangi and he has met all kinds of people but, "you stand out the most...and your name, it's very...unique." I smiled wildly at the first compliment but pulled a very puzzled face for the latter, "Really? It's a very common Malaysian name." He seemed surprised and said he's never met anyone called Hidayah yet. I didn't know why I was rushing to end the conversation, I didn't even ask where he was from and why he moved here. But in the end when I said the common, "Thank you, come again." He replied, "Oh, I will. Thank you." That was nice. It made me happy for the rest of the day. I hope to see and talk to you again Mr.Tanvee.
Reporting live from Domino's BBB...later days.
11 April 2011
At Dom's: A Month Later
I survived! While 2 other boys have trained and left, I am still here. I think it's mainly because I've been stationed at the front as the cashier. I am learning to make pizzas and have made a few orders but often sent out of the kitchen and towards the front to handle the customers during rush hours such as lunch/dinner time and throughout the weekends. I don't really mind because in a way, they still need me. There are issues of staff shortage at times which is quite frustrating.
I have befriended the Dom's staff and although their lives are staggeringly different from mine we can still relate. The managers here are strict but friendly and I value that a lot.
At Domino's I am not Edd Falco, I am Hidayah or Dayah. I am not a metalhead/rock chick but a girl. How did this happen? I have no idea, it just did and I like it for a change. It kinda reflects how I am really perceived in the open world and not just my bubble of thoughts. They treat me like a lady! Don't get me wrong, I still work hard, throw out the trash and clean everything from the rubbish bin to the hanging lamps. But the boys buy me food and drinks, make sure I get to eat, ask how I'm doing, and make me laugh when I look tired.
There'll be a new girl coming in for training today. YAY! The only other girl staff has been absent a few times now. This new girl I have a feeling will stay long, she's a tomboy like the current one but not as loud. Hopefully she'll do fine because we are critically short on pizza makers and I don't think they're too keen on training me as one for I would leave in a few months.
Update! I blew off both left tires of mom's Iswara last night coming home from work.
Still tired but still happy, later days...off to work.
I have befriended the Dom's staff and although their lives are staggeringly different from mine we can still relate. The managers here are strict but friendly and I value that a lot.
At Domino's I am not Edd Falco, I am Hidayah or Dayah. I am not a metalhead/rock chick but a girl. How did this happen? I have no idea, it just did and I like it for a change. It kinda reflects how I am really perceived in the open world and not just my bubble of thoughts. They treat me like a lady! Don't get me wrong, I still work hard, throw out the trash and clean everything from the rubbish bin to the hanging lamps. But the boys buy me food and drinks, make sure I get to eat, ask how I'm doing, and make me laugh when I look tired.
There'll be a new girl coming in for training today. YAY! The only other girl staff has been absent a few times now. This new girl I have a feeling will stay long, she's a tomboy like the current one but not as loud. Hopefully she'll do fine because we are critically short on pizza makers and I don't think they're too keen on training me as one for I would leave in a few months.
Update! I blew off both left tires of mom's Iswara last night coming home from work.
Still tired but still happy, later days...off to work.
15 March 2011
Domino's
Today was the first day!
I'm still in training though but I've seen everything. I mean EVERYTHING! and that is all that's going to be said.
I applied for the pizza maker position, thinking they'd put me safely behind enemy's line and far away from the social scene. But NO! Not yet at least...I hope. Everybody has to experience everything so today, I was mainly the greeter who's also the one punching in the orders. I guess I was the only trainee who was able to pick it up quickly. Oh did I mention I was the only female working in the store today.
The first thing the manager (let's call him Mr.Man) told me when I stepped into the kitchen was:
1) The majority of the employees are men.
2) The only other girl (yes, singular) currently working for them isn't much like a girl. Seriously, I've seen her.
3) Like any other fast food restaurant, it's hectic & tiring. Please don't give up easily.
I quivered after every single line he said.
After Mr. Man showed us around the store he gave us our first task: Memorize all the pizzas in 5minutes. Now, as much as I love Domino's pizzas I did not know all 16 of them. Now I do. After that we kinda loitered around in the corners of the tiny store because he was busy pizza making.
Then I kinda made my way to my future prospect, the pizza making table (I forgot what they called it) to observe. You know what it reminded me of? Those free online time management games. Seriously! There's a time limit too! No joke. I don't know when I'll be thrown into all that mess yet. Kinda nervous about it since I suck at that game. I half wished they'd just put me in the front line but NO! You'll never know unless you try. Oh wait...Do or do not, there is no try!
The good thing is all the 'senior' guys are quite friendly and the environment is cheerful although a bit loud. I could hardly hear the customer's numbers and orders. Asking a customer to repeat anything they say kinda annoys them. I know, I was a bad listener in clinic and my horrible short term memory was no help.
Hopefully things will be okay in the future. I have never been in this kinda business before and I really wanna make it work despite Mr.Man's friendly reminder that 2 female employees had recently left after only a few days of work. Yes, there are easier jobs with less human contact but I'd want to value experience as much as I value money.
And a bigger hope is that I can get into UiTM. Please Allah, please. I don't want to be useless anymore.
Later days...
I'm still in training though but I've seen everything. I mean EVERYTHING! and that is all that's going to be said.
I applied for the pizza maker position, thinking they'd put me safely behind enemy's line and far away from the social scene. But NO! Not yet at least...I hope. Everybody has to experience everything so today, I was mainly the greeter who's also the one punching in the orders. I guess I was the only trainee who was able to pick it up quickly. Oh did I mention I was the only female working in the store today.
The first thing the manager (let's call him Mr.Man) told me when I stepped into the kitchen was:
1) The majority of the employees are men.
2) The only other girl (yes, singular) currently working for them isn't much like a girl. Seriously, I've seen her.
3) Like any other fast food restaurant, it's hectic & tiring. Please don't give up easily.
I quivered after every single line he said.
After Mr. Man showed us around the store he gave us our first task: Memorize all the pizzas in 5minutes. Now, as much as I love Domino's pizzas I did not know all 16 of them. Now I do. After that we kinda loitered around in the corners of the tiny store because he was busy pizza making.
Then I kinda made my way to my future prospect, the pizza making table (I forgot what they called it) to observe. You know what it reminded me of? Those free online time management games. Seriously! There's a time limit too! No joke. I don't know when I'll be thrown into all that mess yet. Kinda nervous about it since I suck at that game. I half wished they'd just put me in the front line but NO! You'll never know unless you try. Oh wait...Do or do not, there is no try!
The good thing is all the 'senior' guys are quite friendly and the environment is cheerful although a bit loud. I could hardly hear the customer's numbers and orders. Asking a customer to repeat anything they say kinda annoys them. I know, I was a bad listener in clinic and my horrible short term memory was no help.
Hopefully things will be okay in the future. I have never been in this kinda business before and I really wanna make it work despite Mr.Man's friendly reminder that 2 female employees had recently left after only a few days of work. Yes, there are easier jobs with less human contact but I'd want to value experience as much as I value money.
And a bigger hope is that I can get into UiTM. Please Allah, please. I don't want to be useless anymore.
Later days...
25 February 2011
Self Analysis part III...I think
Haaaa...where am I?
Everytime I write a self analysis on this blog it's usually after the recovery of a big fall. It's quite pathetic because for the previous two posts [2 years ago??] it's like I've achieved a major breakthrough and although I did mention a prediction of another fallout [which did happen], I thought I was capable of handling it. Well I don't know what to make of the outcome really, because I'm trying not to see terminating my dental studies as a failure but rather, moving on to be a better person. Yes, it is quite a cheat, shut up. And that's that.
I am getting more and more frustrated with the state of my mind. I don't have a stable personality and not having control over one self is making me feel rather sick. I know who I am [existentially] and my goals. I recognize my phases and moods but I can't control the length of time that they conquer me. When I'm angry I long not to be because it hurts other people when I am. When I'm happy I also feel guilt and long to depress because it squeezes out the creative juices in me, with a little anger and hatred I am driven. I just need to stay away from self pity which is quite hard with my low self esteem. Anger is easy to come since I'm a hot head egomaniac.
But within all this overflowing, dysfunctional, emotional personality instability, my thoughts from any random thing to the current views will be raging like fireworks. And these thoughts shifts so much from one emotion to another that I forget them and miss them. I can only remember bits and pieces and not the whole idea, no matter how brilliant. Why not right them down? malas. The funny thing is when I shift in emotion and subsequently in thoughts, the previous thoughts of the previous emotions just seem so ridiculous and alien and sometimes magnificent.
But that's just it, I only process thoughts. They do not proceed down the conveyor belt to the fabrication room and be transformed into action. They are dust in the wind. I need to do something with my hands.
But here's the catch, I'm a procrastinator.
..last night I dreamnt of being married twice. The first disappeared and the current was tiny. ???
Everytime I write a self analysis on this blog it's usually after the recovery of a big fall. It's quite pathetic because for the previous two posts [2 years ago??] it's like I've achieved a major breakthrough and although I did mention a prediction of another fallout [which did happen], I thought I was capable of handling it. Well I don't know what to make of the outcome really, because I'm trying not to see terminating my dental studies as a failure but rather, moving on to be a better person. Yes, it is quite a cheat, shut up. And that's that.
I am getting more and more frustrated with the state of my mind. I don't have a stable personality and not having control over one self is making me feel rather sick. I know who I am [existentially] and my goals. I recognize my phases and moods but I can't control the length of time that they conquer me. When I'm angry I long not to be because it hurts other people when I am. When I'm happy I also feel guilt and long to depress because it squeezes out the creative juices in me, with a little anger and hatred I am driven. I just need to stay away from self pity which is quite hard with my low self esteem. Anger is easy to come since I'm a hot head egomaniac.
But within all this overflowing, dysfunctional, emotional personality instability, my thoughts from any random thing to the current views will be raging like fireworks. And these thoughts shifts so much from one emotion to another that I forget them and miss them. I can only remember bits and pieces and not the whole idea, no matter how brilliant. Why not right them down? malas. The funny thing is when I shift in emotion and subsequently in thoughts, the previous thoughts of the previous emotions just seem so ridiculous and alien and sometimes magnificent.
But that's just it, I only process thoughts. They do not proceed down the conveyor belt to the fabrication room and be transformed into action. They are dust in the wind. I need to do something with my hands.
But here's the catch, I'm a procrastinator.
..last night I dreamnt of being married twice. The first disappeared and the current was tiny. ???
11 February 2011
:(
The 2nd worst feeling in the world is losing control over yourself.
The 1st is seeing how it affects your loved ones.
Edd, of all the things you always forget; never this. REMEMBER THIS!
The 1st is seeing how it affects your loved ones.
Edd, of all the things you always forget; never this. REMEMBER THIS!
10 February 2011
Nil
He watches and He hears
He knows all my tears...
I am at a crossroad and there are no road signs. I can tell north from east but I don't know what's beyond this junction. Maybe another crossroad, a free gun, or even a snake pit, I don't know.
Life is a test and right know it's in the form of an MCQ (multiple choice question). Actually I don't know if it's in any other form. Essays? I guess. I mean the details do count. Maybe it's an MCQ followed by a series of essays. Ugh! How about 10 MCQs andan a short essay? In half an hour and mihun with teh tarik outside the hall. Hahaha nice!
My 25th year of life on this silly planet is coming to an end and I still haven't accomplished anything. I can't even figure myself out yet.
I am just full of lies, people. And I cannot seem to sort myself out of this one. Apologies.
He knows all my tears...
I am at a crossroad and there are no road signs. I can tell north from east but I don't know what's beyond this junction. Maybe another crossroad, a free gun, or even a snake pit, I don't know.
Life is a test and right know it's in the form of an MCQ (multiple choice question). Actually I don't know if it's in any other form. Essays? I guess. I mean the details do count. Maybe it's an MCQ followed by a series of essays. Ugh! How about 10 MCQs and
My 25th year of life on this silly planet is coming to an end and I still haven't accomplished anything. I can't even figure myself out yet.
I am just full of lies, people. And I cannot seem to sort myself out of this one. Apologies.
27 January 2011
of Gary Oldman and face shredding...
I couldn't quite make sure if it was the moon or the sun peeping through the faint clouds. It was either sunset or dawn; the best things in life always do come in little packages. These lights are the shortest of any other kind. I arrived alone to the convention but I had too many luggage to be carried by one, although this goes by unnoticed. It was held at my old school's building. But it was no longer a school, I could tell. On the other side of it where there used to be an open field, there was a bridge-like extension into a futuristic-looking sports arena floating in the sky. This looked beautiful in the orange-blue lit atmosphere.
People were gathering and unpacking. I arrived at my floor - top floor - but there seemed to be no more rooms available. And so I lodged my bags at the corridor, along the side beams, in front of a room occupied by a big family. I wasn't the only one 'roomless' so nobody really minded us perching in their doorway. After dropping the heavy load, I took a big sigh of relief and turned towards the sky. It was beautiful. It was then that I heard his voice.
Everybody around was settling down and unpacking their luggage. This sunset/dawn lighting was lasting longer than it usually would in real life. But I didn't mind. The air was cool. We were at the end of the corridor. His room was the last one, it was next to the room occupied by the couple with 6 kids. 4 big ones, 1 tween and 1 in their mother's arms.
"Hey there," he said first.
"Hi." I replied, "Gary Oldman." He laughed and we continued to exchange awkward small talk.
He too was by himself but he was somewhat the Jim Gordon character in Chris Nolan's Batman and so his room was full of security equipments and confidential folders. Why would he join such a convention? I had no idea since I myself had no idea what was going on. We talked and talked and when dinner was served at the cafeteria, we had dinner together. Later that evening he was on duty and had to make his rounds on the top floor. I tagged along. We talked about the people staying in every room we passed. Gary Oldman read up on everybody's backgrounds to filter them from any threat.
The light was still of sunset/dawn setting. It was timeless. Or it could have been that we slept through a day and I dreamnt past it to another sunset/dawn. We had to go to the arena now. 'We' meaning everyone. The 'games' were starting. I was alone again, Gary Oldman was nowhere to be seen. I joined the crowd at the arena for a while but later had the urge to go back to the lodgings. Crossing the extension bridge, the roar of the masses could be heard. I didn't bother turning around for I was fixed on my target. I was carrying a hot dog in one hand.
The rooms were empty and still. I sat on my bags in front of the dark room and nibbled at my hot dog. I waited.
Blackout.
The next thing I remember, I was standing behind a wild crowd a few feet away from where I just sat with my hot dog. It was no longer sunset/dawn, it was now daylight. Most of the women were gasping and wailing. The men were at the front and they were pale, dead inside. Up front I could hear Gary Oldman trying to keep some order. He was joined by a few other policemen. I didn't bother pulling through the crowd to see what all the fuss was about. I waited until they dispersed, until they went back to their rooms to mourn, to get sick of the horror and throw up.
It was then that I saw the bloody hand print on the door. The door of that room. That room which I sat across before I couldn't remember, where my bags were. But I was calm. And Gary Oldman saw this. His eyes locked on to me and mine on his. I walked on further, getting nearer to my bags and closer to the room. I looked inside and saw them lying in their beds, soaked in pools of blood. The 4 big kids, their faces were torn off. They were dead of course, I thought. I glanced over to my left and Gary Oldman was still staring at me, studying my reactions but at the same time I sensed that he was fearful. I went to him and gave him a hug. He was struggling with words. I simply said, "It's okay. Look behind you."
There was a trail of blood on the wall at the end of the corridor, next to his room. He turned around. Ordered his men to survey the parameters. Beyond the wall was quite a long way down. One of the policemen suggested the trees as the murderer's escape route. They got busy. I walked away. To the floor below.
The parents were wailing for the lives of their 4 big ones. They were crying so hard until it was as if their eyeballs had shrunken beneath their swelled up eyelids. Their whole faces were red and wet with tears and mucus. Their sanity was being shredded to pieces and they just couldn't understand, there was no reasoning. They were devastated, and everyone else were too. Their throats were clogged with all the words they had to say but they lost their voices and all they could have done was vomit. Vomit for the dead.
I went to the ground floor to search for plastic bags, I had to leave. There were food all around. I didn't remember this being the cafeteria. From pastas to pizza, noodles and pastries. I ate what I can as I searched for plastic bags. I needed plastic bags for my worn clothes. I had to hurry. I didn't feel as calm as before, I was starting to panic when I couldn't find any plastic bags for my laundry. Then I thought, maybe I could just gather all the worn clothes in one bag and clean clothes in another. Then I remembered, my bags were many and they were all in front of that room. Sacrifice them, like you sacrificed them.
Just leave. Goodbye Gary Oldman.
People were gathering and unpacking. I arrived at my floor - top floor - but there seemed to be no more rooms available. And so I lodged my bags at the corridor, along the side beams, in front of a room occupied by a big family. I wasn't the only one 'roomless' so nobody really minded us perching in their doorway. After dropping the heavy load, I took a big sigh of relief and turned towards the sky. It was beautiful. It was then that I heard his voice.
Everybody around was settling down and unpacking their luggage. This sunset/dawn lighting was lasting longer than it usually would in real life. But I didn't mind. The air was cool. We were at the end of the corridor. His room was the last one, it was next to the room occupied by the couple with 6 kids. 4 big ones, 1 tween and 1 in their mother's arms.
"Hey there," he said first.
"Hi." I replied, "Gary Oldman." He laughed and we continued to exchange awkward small talk.
He too was by himself but he was somewhat the Jim Gordon character in Chris Nolan's Batman and so his room was full of security equipments and confidential folders. Why would he join such a convention? I had no idea since I myself had no idea what was going on. We talked and talked and when dinner was served at the cafeteria, we had dinner together. Later that evening he was on duty and had to make his rounds on the top floor. I tagged along. We talked about the people staying in every room we passed. Gary Oldman read up on everybody's backgrounds to filter them from any threat.
The light was still of sunset/dawn setting. It was timeless. Or it could have been that we slept through a day and I dreamnt past it to another sunset/dawn. We had to go to the arena now. 'We' meaning everyone. The 'games' were starting. I was alone again, Gary Oldman was nowhere to be seen. I joined the crowd at the arena for a while but later had the urge to go back to the lodgings. Crossing the extension bridge, the roar of the masses could be heard. I didn't bother turning around for I was fixed on my target. I was carrying a hot dog in one hand.
The rooms were empty and still. I sat on my bags in front of the dark room and nibbled at my hot dog. I waited.
Blackout.
The next thing I remember, I was standing behind a wild crowd a few feet away from where I just sat with my hot dog. It was no longer sunset/dawn, it was now daylight. Most of the women were gasping and wailing. The men were at the front and they were pale, dead inside. Up front I could hear Gary Oldman trying to keep some order. He was joined by a few other policemen. I didn't bother pulling through the crowd to see what all the fuss was about. I waited until they dispersed, until they went back to their rooms to mourn, to get sick of the horror and throw up.
It was then that I saw the bloody hand print on the door. The door of that room. That room which I sat across before I couldn't remember, where my bags were. But I was calm. And Gary Oldman saw this. His eyes locked on to me and mine on his. I walked on further, getting nearer to my bags and closer to the room. I looked inside and saw them lying in their beds, soaked in pools of blood. The 4 big kids, their faces were torn off. They were dead of course, I thought. I glanced over to my left and Gary Oldman was still staring at me, studying my reactions but at the same time I sensed that he was fearful. I went to him and gave him a hug. He was struggling with words. I simply said, "It's okay. Look behind you."
There was a trail of blood on the wall at the end of the corridor, next to his room. He turned around. Ordered his men to survey the parameters. Beyond the wall was quite a long way down. One of the policemen suggested the trees as the murderer's escape route. They got busy. I walked away. To the floor below.
The parents were wailing for the lives of their 4 big ones. They were crying so hard until it was as if their eyeballs had shrunken beneath their swelled up eyelids. Their whole faces were red and wet with tears and mucus. Their sanity was being shredded to pieces and they just couldn't understand, there was no reasoning. They were devastated, and everyone else were too. Their throats were clogged with all the words they had to say but they lost their voices and all they could have done was vomit. Vomit for the dead.
I went to the ground floor to search for plastic bags, I had to leave. There were food all around. I didn't remember this being the cafeteria. From pastas to pizza, noodles and pastries. I ate what I can as I searched for plastic bags. I needed plastic bags for my worn clothes. I had to hurry. I didn't feel as calm as before, I was starting to panic when I couldn't find any plastic bags for my laundry. Then I thought, maybe I could just gather all the worn clothes in one bag and clean clothes in another. Then I remembered, my bags were many and they were all in front of that room. Sacrifice them, like you sacrificed them.
Just leave. Goodbye Gary Oldman.
22 January 2011
Emo Edd and her Hate Paint
Today my clinic partner Ann asked me to make a list my weaknesses. I know, pretty frontal. But she was trying to make conversation with me so that I won't doze off like last time. It was a boring clinic. Digging for calculus is a boring job. And assisting a calculus digger is ten times the bore.
I only gave off a few. It's like being asked what your favourite song or movies are. You know them at some point but you go blank when asked...point blanc. But unlike fave songs or movies where you can always try to remember what you typed in your many social net profiles, weaknesses are features we tend to hide and deny. Reading this you might think, "No, I don't"...yeah.
Well, my list of weaknesses is quite...very long. Noticing them was one thing, admitting them is another. One main trait is that I have a big fat ego. [I just typed 'ego' in capitals but rewrote them in small - trying not to prove a point] I noticed this problem 5 years ago during my 2nd year 'here' [crap, I'm still 'here']. And although I noticed it I didn't know how to deal with it. I used to think that studying dentistry was one of the cause and that I needed to force myself into manual labor to understand the effort needed to deserve a living but that was just a premature speculation based on non other than the monthly emo-hormonal fluctuation which at that time was pretty much nearly everyday of the 2nd semester [dare you to say that sentence in one breath].
So it was left to grow and grow and now I'm kinda fearful in facing it head on. Its like it has a life of it's own and if I try to banish it from my pinky hemispheres it would squirt out a self defense mechanism which in my case would be an autoimmune mechanism. And then I would lose all my other features, good or bad. I will transform into a zombie and join the world of the undead as a brainless mass of meat-suit where it's sole purpose of wonderment is to devour fresh, juicy brains of the living. I'd rather be a vamp [of the Underworld type, not Twilight nor Trueblood].
I am not sure where this trait comes from. A theory suggests genetics but that is only through personal observation only. Another theory would be the exponential rise during my academical peaking in college matriculation thus leading to my placement in the dental world. It could be both, resulting in a cumulative result. Wahai si bongkak.
Second biggest weakness, I brag about myself. Even be bold enough to reveal my weaknesses, an attempt to appear fearless and cool. Need I elaborate more? Actually I think this should be number 1.b) since I have my own blog.
Third, the hatred that feeds my soul. I see it as both a curse and a blessing. Not many people can cultivate hate and use it as a source of inspiration. Well, negative inspiration of course but one inspiration does lead to another and from all that fire, a phoenix will rise. And my phoenix is gonna kill you black listers.
[I have to cut this short for I am sleep deprived]
Last night I unloaded a heavy burden and after a long time, I can write again. Although I have lost all my readers and this post might not be read by anybody at all, ever, I feel like I did when I first started this blog. Hopeful. InsyAllah.
Later days.
I only gave off a few. It's like being asked what your favourite song or movies are. You know them at some point but you go blank when asked...point blanc. But unlike fave songs or movies where you can always try to remember what you typed in your many social net profiles, weaknesses are features we tend to hide and deny. Reading this you might think, "No, I don't"...yeah.
Well, my list of weaknesses is quite...very long. Noticing them was one thing, admitting them is another. One main trait is that I have a big fat ego. [I just typed 'ego' in capitals but rewrote them in small - trying not to prove a point] I noticed this problem 5 years ago during my 2nd year 'here' [crap, I'm still 'here']. And although I noticed it I didn't know how to deal with it. I used to think that studying dentistry was one of the cause and that I needed to force myself into manual labor to understand the effort needed to deserve a living but that was just a premature speculation based on non other than the monthly emo-hormonal fluctuation which at that time was pretty much nearly everyday of the 2nd semester [dare you to say that sentence in one breath].
So it was left to grow and grow and now I'm kinda fearful in facing it head on. Its like it has a life of it's own and if I try to banish it from my pinky hemispheres it would squirt out a self defense mechanism which in my case would be an autoimmune mechanism. And then I would lose all my other features, good or bad. I will transform into a zombie and join the world of the undead as a brainless mass of meat-suit where it's sole purpose of wonderment is to devour fresh, juicy brains of the living. I'd rather be a vamp [of the Underworld type, not Twilight nor Trueblood].
I am not sure where this trait comes from. A theory suggests genetics but that is only through personal observation only. Another theory would be the exponential rise during my academical peaking in college matriculation thus leading to my placement in the dental world. It could be both, resulting in a cumulative result. Wahai si bongkak.
Second biggest weakness, I brag about myself. Even be bold enough to reveal my weaknesses, an attempt to appear fearless and cool. Need I elaborate more? Actually I think this should be number 1.b) since I have my own blog.
Third, the hatred that feeds my soul. I see it as both a curse and a blessing. Not many people can cultivate hate and use it as a source of inspiration. Well, negative inspiration of course but one inspiration does lead to another and from all that fire, a phoenix will rise. And my phoenix is gonna kill you black listers.
[I have to cut this short for I am sleep deprived]
Last night I unloaded a heavy burden and after a long time, I can write again. Although I have lost all my readers and this post might not be read by anybody at all, ever, I feel like I did when I first started this blog. Hopeful. InsyAllah.
Later days.
28 December 2010
today
today, i shall deprive myself of the following:
food
beverage
sleep
human contact
light
large scale motion
food
beverage
sleep
human contact
light
large scale motion
08 December 2010
Here It Goes Again
This is it. I don't think I should go on. It's fate that these dates were to intercept each other. And I was to choose one that was of more superiority to me.
I spent 5 years here. 5 years. Academically I'm practically nowhere. But I know I've gained a few pounds of knowledge and skills. Leveled up a few steps higher. Acquired tremendous amount of friends, or at least connections. But I must admit that some non-physical part of me have been spared from any accountable growth. Obviously it won't as long as I stay here. It's like waiting for a wisdom tooth to erupt in a 30 year old man.
But I can't just walk away either. I have a large sum of debt to clear now. With that in my mind, I also don't think I should make it as a dentist. There's a 3 year course degree in Screen Creative Technology in UiTM. Very tempting...job prospects were rated 4.4/5. But I won't really know what that means. This is for the dream.
My dad thought I wanted that dream so that I would become popular. He doesn't understand. I am not after the limelight. I want to be able to show people, tell them a story. Make them feel. Move them. I don't want to become apart of what everybody sees right now. I will create my own field. It's going to be a struggle but I'd rather do that.
But then again we'd say anything when we're desperate and I have lost the trust in myself. I do not trust my own instincts. I do not trust myself to make the right decision anymore because I do not trust myself in telling the right from wrong. I don't have the ability to remember how such emotions can deeply wound me or the people around me. And so I can't trust myself to never repeat the same mistakes again because I have. And I cut deeper everytime.
"1 1/2 years more," they'd remind me, "not far to go," they'd add.
I can't be a dentist.
I'll pray to Allah that these feelings would go away but the idea is already in place and it would take a brain transplant to make me forget.
I'm sorry...
I spent 5 years here. 5 years. Academically I'm practically nowhere. But I know I've gained a few pounds of knowledge and skills. Leveled up a few steps higher. Acquired tremendous amount of friends, or at least connections. But I must admit that some non-physical part of me have been spared from any accountable growth. Obviously it won't as long as I stay here. It's like waiting for a wisdom tooth to erupt in a 30 year old man.
But I can't just walk away either. I have a large sum of debt to clear now. With that in my mind, I also don't think I should make it as a dentist. There's a 3 year course degree in Screen Creative Technology in UiTM. Very tempting...job prospects were rated 4.4/5. But I won't really know what that means. This is for the dream.
My dad thought I wanted that dream so that I would become popular. He doesn't understand. I am not after the limelight. I want to be able to show people, tell them a story. Make them feel. Move them. I don't want to become apart of what everybody sees right now. I will create my own field. It's going to be a struggle but I'd rather do that.
But then again we'd say anything when we're desperate and I have lost the trust in myself. I do not trust my own instincts. I do not trust myself to make the right decision anymore because I do not trust myself in telling the right from wrong. I don't have the ability to remember how such emotions can deeply wound me or the people around me. And so I can't trust myself to never repeat the same mistakes again because I have. And I cut deeper everytime.
"1 1/2 years more," they'd remind me, "not far to go," they'd add.
I can't be a dentist.
I'll pray to Allah that these feelings would go away but the idea is already in place and it would take a brain transplant to make me forget.
I'm sorry...
27 November 2010
Gigi Alia
first short movie...
don't get the joke? don't bother..
the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeiKyKdNJxM
26 November 2010
Jolt
I suddenly felt the need to write this down. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of needing to wake up. Is it a coincidence that I am now 'locking' myself up in my room, my bunker to complete my video project? - An assignment related to a passion of mine. And that at the same time watched Inception for the 1st time? A movie I have so long tried to avoid knowing it will haunt me for days. I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed.
The need to make a movie as inspiring...the characters, the music...
[but to be honest, the gravity of the whole situation wasn't that critical. It wasn't the end of the world :P ]
The need to wake up from my own mind, my bunker and what it would mean to actually wake up. What from? To where?
The need to...well thats it really... Buzz KILL..
I wonder what would've happened if I didn't watch the movie in the first place. Would I still be pondering about the need to wake up and out of this mess? Of course I would. I just wouldn't feel the desperate need to go bungee jumping for a 'kick'.
there's a quiz in an hour and I need a bath..
The need to make a movie as inspiring...the characters, the music...
[but to be honest, the gravity of the whole situation wasn't that critical. It wasn't the end of the world :P ]
The need to wake up from my own mind, my bunker and what it would mean to actually wake up. What from? To where?
The need to...well thats it really... Buzz KILL..
I wonder what would've happened if I didn't watch the movie in the first place. Would I still be pondering about the need to wake up and out of this mess? Of course I would. I just wouldn't feel the desperate need to go bungee jumping for a 'kick'.
there's a quiz in an hour and I need a bath..
28 September 2010
The Abusive Husband
When did life become so fucking complicated? Maybe it's always been complicated but we were brought up thinking - "It's all gonna be okay, just look on the final pages for answers" - so that when we actually faced complexities, we freak out and need a diaper change.
Why didn't I see it coming?
"Edd, you're gonna be a loser, watch out."
okay, maybe I should be a doctor, that'll get me out of the loser list.
"I guess"
A dentist perhaps? at least that won't be as hard. I'm smart enough right?
"Yaa ehmm *plays Gameboy"
WTH was my conscience playing that stupid aged old game at that time!
And look where you are now...I don't mind tripping here and there but this is just too ridiculous. You people just don't get it! and neither can I! and when that happens every single issue becomes a catastrophe. and you begin to lose yourself, you bounce in and out of the wave not knowing which side is up or down. trapped within the wave, trapped within yourself. you're stuck. you lose faith in everybody, you lose faith in yourself. you can't even carry yourself out of the mess you made. you look around you and how they're alive. you look at yourself and you feel guilty to be breathing in a place meant for another. i'm sorry i stole your place. i am sorry i wasted the government's money. i am sorry for wasting so many paper, so many time, so many words and breath. was it not meant for me? i tried to fit in, i tried to feel it. its just voids outlined by hate. why can't i feel anything.
denied.
Why didn't I see it coming?
"Edd, you're gonna be a loser, watch out."
okay, maybe I should be a doctor, that'll get me out of the loser list.
"I guess"
A dentist perhaps? at least that won't be as hard. I'm smart enough right?
"Yaa ehmm *plays Gameboy"
WTH was my conscience playing that stupid aged old game at that time!
And look where you are now...I don't mind tripping here and there but this is just too ridiculous. You people just don't get it! and neither can I! and when that happens every single issue becomes a catastrophe. and you begin to lose yourself, you bounce in and out of the wave not knowing which side is up or down. trapped within the wave, trapped within yourself. you're stuck. you lose faith in everybody, you lose faith in yourself. you can't even carry yourself out of the mess you made. you look around you and how they're alive. you look at yourself and you feel guilty to be breathing in a place meant for another. i'm sorry i stole your place. i am sorry i wasted the government's money. i am sorry for wasting so many paper, so many time, so many words and breath. was it not meant for me? i tried to fit in, i tried to feel it. its just voids outlined by hate. why can't i feel anything.
denied.
06 July 2010
post 100#
It's 6th July its my mom and nephew's birthday today...
Funny thing was, I forgot until it was Maghrib as I sat down in front of my facebook account. By then my mom's page was already full of birthday wishes by everyone! except me. So I eagerly waited for her to finish her prayers n went to hug her at the same time wishing her. Hopefully that would do today. I don't know what to give her. I should buy/make something though because I kinda gave her a horrible year [punches self]... And because my big bro gave her a friggin' GOLD CHAIN!! That surely heats up the sibling rivalry.
<<< Two years ago on Nazrin Firdaus' birth day
<<< Two years ago on Nazrin Firdaus' birth day
Earlier today I shot the 3rd installment for my to-be series, 'Myselves', which is still in its experimental stages. I'm still developing each of the character's personalities and behaviour. It's quite challenging since I'm playing all 4 characters and mind you, acting isn't as easy as it seems [new found respect]. I'm also learning to better myself in editing techniques, trying to gain little by little from every experience. The four characters are based on my main four alter egos. No wait...three, because the 'real me' is one of them. I was planning to bring in my fourth but it would be too 'serabut', chaotic...
post shooting
I hope I wake up early tomorrow. I need to go to KL to register for a college room. Hopefully I get a singles room. So I'd get to do Myselves videos while I'm at college! and maybe put in some dental student life related stuff. Then maybe my fouth ego would get an appearance as she is into that kind of stuff. Oh Edwina the Great. But like all heroes and villains, each characters have their own weaknesses...my weaknesses. BUT I'm not that confident on getting a singles room, since its already Tuesday and class starts on next Monday. 
I've been watching a lot of old British comedy lately. Truly missed.
From top left, clockwise: Blackadder, Bottom, Spaced [epic], Big Train sketches. I'm looking for more.
It's research!
And I finally got a chance to watch 'Sons of Anarchy' on Astro's FXHD [did anybody know about this channel...dri mne dtg ntah]. It's about outlaw biker gang stuff, I'm kinda into it since I played GTA4's The Lost and Damned. I read about it a month ago while looking up Justified. Nearly freaked out finding it on Astro yesterday.
Fun times being on a long undeserving holiday but everything has an ending and I have 5 more days until class starts. Back to 'fun & learning'.
01 July 2010
The Third
The charm, they say. But miss then strike out, they say. I say I don't believe in any of that. I say luck is an illusion of a blinded optimist and fate is the script of a realist. Opportunists are scavengers of this virtual world and I am somewhat a series of empty canvases.
It's hard to believe anything you read or hear or watch today. As long as you are breathing you are vulnerable to lies. Trust can only go to a certain extent until it too may falter.
We can only rely on a few true sources. But when that too becomes the target of corruption then it gives a reason for humanity to fail. A reason for the world to end. Theories upon theories are built up, piled onto each other, just so they would erase the fear of judgment day by scheming an escape. Nonsensical optimists...
The day will come.
What I say isn't always what I believe. I don't really say what I really do, but it can be obvious if you see. I'd like to be more assured than I am though. But like I said, I am somewhat a series of empty canvases. They are painted over and over again. Just because the combination of colours seem to portray a picture, it doesn't necessarily have a meaning. In other words, they are still empty. So they will continually be painted upon until they have at least a few. These series of canvases.
I do not predict my fate but I am no optimist.
It's hard to believe anything you read or hear or watch today. As long as you are breathing you are vulnerable to lies. Trust can only go to a certain extent until it too may falter.
We can only rely on a few true sources. But when that too becomes the target of corruption then it gives a reason for humanity to fail. A reason for the world to end. Theories upon theories are built up, piled onto each other, just so they would erase the fear of judgment day by scheming an escape. Nonsensical optimists...
The day will come.
What I say isn't always what I believe. I don't really say what I really do, but it can be obvious if you see. I'd like to be more assured than I am though. But like I said, I am somewhat a series of empty canvases. They are painted over and over again. Just because the combination of colours seem to portray a picture, it doesn't necessarily have a meaning. In other words, they are still empty. So they will continually be painted upon until they have at least a few. These series of canvases.
I do not predict my fate but I am no optimist.
29 June 2010
Leaving Shadows Behind
I guess that is whats really been the main theme of my soul searching process. How I am gonna make a mark on this earth before my time comes, a mark more significant than a tombstone above my rotting flesh [InsyAllah, as a proper burial would be good enough].
Lightyears
[14/06/10]
I realise I never really think of the present as for what they are. I know I should and I often say to others that they should but I know I don't. I say a lot of things to others that I clearly know will come back and bite me in the back. I know it sounds like I'm a hypocrit, I guess I am but I say them anyway to make myself realise. And most of the time I state this fact to them. Other times I just bid them off to cry alone in the dark, lol.
Anyway, to take another step out of de'Nile, I will say this. I am stuck in the past. Past happiness, past achievements, past memories. I am dead afraid of the future. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I want to plan but I'm afraid to. Because if I do...there's just too much fear of the unknown.
CRAP, I don't know where I got this from. Planning was great in high school. I got here in dental school by planning and by sticking to that plan. Maybe because I became so unhappy here that it pasted a negative sticker onto that type of action. "Avoid in future thinking processes"...slap it on that planning button.
How would you like to leave your mark on this earth? Tell me...whoever's reading. Because I KNOW everybody share at least this thought if not all the above.
Puppy Cloud
[13/06/10]
I do believe we were brought to life for a purpose and we may not know what that is yet [some may never] so in the meanwhile, what harm is it to dream?
Lightyears[14/06/10]
I realise I never really think of the present as for what they are. I know I should and I often say to others that they should but I know I don't. I say a lot of things to others that I clearly know will come back and bite me in the back. I know it sounds like I'm a hypocrit, I guess I am but I say them anyway to make myself realise. And most of the time I state this fact to them. Other times I just bid them off to cry alone in the dark, lol.
Anyway, to take another step out of de'Nile, I will say this. I am stuck in the past. Past happiness, past achievements, past memories. I am dead afraid of the future. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I want to plan but I'm afraid to. Because if I do...there's just too much fear of the unknown.
CRAP, I don't know where I got this from. Planning was great in high school. I got here in dental school by planning and by sticking to that plan. Maybe because I became so unhappy here that it pasted a negative sticker onto that type of action. "Avoid in future thinking processes"...slap it on that planning button.
How would you like to leave your mark on this earth? Tell me...whoever's reading. Because I KNOW everybody share at least this thought if not all the above.
Puppy Cloud[13/06/10]
05 June 2010
Picnic Day
On 19-20/02/10, the family's Geng anak dara [1st & 2nd Class] and the boys went shopping, maggi chomping, sushi rolling, pancake frying, picnic eating, playing2, swimming2 at Bukit Jalil.
24 May 2010
Sepak Terajang Sama Mereka
First Malay title.
But yes, the rest will be in English...kot...ok not
Improvised and exaggerated version of today's discussion:
Parents: You're too rigid. You have to be more flexible and humane.
Me: Yelah yelah...I know. And I know my ego is up here [hand above head].
Parents: Ye ke?
Me: Yelah yelah...nun di sana [points towards the sky] celestial egoism. Astronomically speaking.
So marilah sama2 bantu saya sepak terajang sama setan2 dalam hamba Allah yg lemah ini.
InsyAllah saya boleh jadi insan molek skit. Xdela emo sokmo.
Time kasih.
But yes, the rest will be in English...kot...ok not
Improvised and exaggerated version of today's discussion:
Parents: You're too rigid. You have to be more flexible and humane.
Me: Yelah yelah...I know. And I know my ego is up here [hand above head].
Parents: Ye ke?
Me: Yelah yelah...nun di sana [points towards the sky] celestial egoism. Astronomically speaking.
So marilah sama2 bantu saya sepak terajang sama setan2 dalam hamba Allah yg lemah ini.
InsyAllah saya boleh jadi insan molek skit. Xdela emo sokmo.
Time kasih.
30 April 2010
I Hear Crickets...
It's bugging me, grating me, and twisting me around!
Yeah I'm endlessly, caving in, and turning inside out!
[guess where that's from]
I'd like to dedicate that to the darling little crickets who with sheer joy play their tune relentlessly through the night. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, SMACK!! Flame! Sweep! Shoo.
Now, one problem solved, a million to go [grr..]
How will I ever get enough sleep?
I close my eyes and I keep seeing my scenes of vengeance.
Fueled by all that hatred of course.
And truth be told, I'm not ready to get rid of it.
Maybe that's why the demons can affect me.
I so willingly allow their whisperings.
Anyway... I was watching 'Human Stories' on Discovery Home & Health the other day and it was about 'When Sleep Turns Bad'. Insomniacs, sleep walkers and everything else in between. Scary stuff really if it can lead to divorce and jumping of buildings. With it being psychologically related, different remedies work on different people. Nothing is absolute when it comes to human beings. Abnormality is a norm. Some patients only need to tweak their diet, others rely on feng shui. My sleeping issue isn't really a problem it's just irregular. Just because...
and I know it's why...
...Donald Duck touched me when I was young :P21 April 2010
Myselves - Hotness
Filmed 2 months ago...thought it was too ugly so left it aside and forgotten.
Got tired cleaning the house and thought,
"I'm tired cleaning the house, I think I'll edit some vids!"
here's the first one: Myselves - Playing Questions
16 April 2010
"vad som än händer...hat kvar"
reclaim my faith ...omvärdera
tidy up the house...rengöra
study films...observera
find plots, follow through until the end...skriva filmmanu
Youtube...video att göra
"vad som än händer...hat kvar"
credits to Google Translate for all these translations I wish I can fluently speak someday...someday..over the rainbow, my pot of GOLD!
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