Liberica beans & Snail crackers

Dear God,

What is this feeling? I am obsessed and I cannot focus on my studies. I need to get rid of this feeling. Why is it so hard? It's just a feeling. It is just hormonal fluctuations. It is just my brain teasing my shallow perceptions and emotional desperation. My physical being is just one part of me while the other part is my soul, my life. God can take my soul even if my physical is in perfect condition. But He wouldn't make such an impressive anomaly out of me, I am not a perfect being. Not perfect in His sense, not ours.

What should I do to forget this feeling? No, not forget, but erase. I need to erase it. To forget is letting it be hidden from view until a reminder uncovers it. I don't want to be reminded of how I am brought down to my knees just because of this unexplainable feeling. There will be no end to it and because of this, I should stop pondering upon it. No matter how many gallons of coffee I drink, no matter how many tons of food I stuff myself with, as long as I do not reveal this feeling, it will come to nothing. But what of my prayers, my God? I have been praying. But not good enough I assume, not good enough. Too selfish a need, it has become an obsessive requirement.

If he is meant for me then I beg You to make him come to me even in my seclusion from society. I must remain on this path to You, I must remain on my mission for You. I will not forget my past and I will not let it haunt me, let it fuel me instead.