Come One, Come All

To do, or not to do? That is not the question.

The question is,

Who's in?

Conflicted

Conflict: When there are two opposing pictures in your quality world at the same time.

The more you move in the direction of one, the more you frustrate the other.



What to do?

"If it's at all possible, when you don't know what to do, do nothing in either direction."

What makes a conflict so severe is that there is no immediate solution. If you manage to do the above, it may not solve the conflict but at least, you won't make things worse.

In the end, time will move the conflict in one direction or the other, and the decision will become less painful.

But there are many times you can't wait, if you don't decide, one of the pictures may be lost forever. In that case, DAMN!

Later days...

ChatterBox

Disgusting! Disgusting! Disgusting!

That is all I feel and that is all I shall feel as long as I remember this week of holiday. This shall be my first ever attempt to produce a post barely out of word vomit. Or as pen to paper and fingertip to keyboard...I lost my train of thoughts. Be it as it may, I shall try my best to keep my topic around the activities of my previous week. Disgusting, as I said before, it has made me feel and as I am a day away from it's end I realized I have gained pretty much none to an oblivion. Planned I did and regret I had been. Depressed I might be but sad I am not. What are the likes of me being here typing this when there are people outside doing the things they are simply because the can or they want to. I'd love to do the same but I am hot, as in the temperature and not in looks.

The more I look around the more I get sick of it. The more sick I get the more miserable I feel. The more miserable I feel, the more agitated, the louder I get, the more people shush me, the more ego, the more boredom, the more destructive, the more garbage, the more caffeine, the more I forget. Tisk Tisk Tisk.

As I tisk myself, I hear my guitar strumming by itself. I looked at it but nothing seems to be strumming it. It strums by itself. I sit here wondering whether I was imagining it out of boredom or simply trying to fool myself that a magical being has come to cheer me up. But then a fruit fly comes along and buzzes around my face, especially at the eyes, trying it's best to make a landing, when I was actually wearing my glasses. I was trying hard to convince it that I am no fruit by moving my head around, a similar movement to headbanging, but the housefly stays unconvinced. Something in it's nature is telling them that my ugly face is a fruit. Fruits on the other hand are bright coloured, smooth skinned, and edible. Everything my face isn't.

I came home the other day and got to the 6 months delayed spring cleaning. Though it has nothing to do with spring time, I still choose to call it that way because it would make everybody else feel responsible to put in some effort. Worked, has it? Partially and better than nothing. My room feels wider and the fruit fly is still here to get me. It seemed to have a new destination now, the nostrils. I guess a bunch of nose hair is easier than a glass barrier. Fooled you have been, oh determined fruit fly.

Anyway, I manged to finally fit in some lyrics to a melody of a tune. A new song perhaps! I long for it to be heard but I am still hot, as in the temperature, not in looks. I thought of a few more but this heat has prevented me to do absolutely nothing. Well, I can't quite say absolute, for I am writing an entry in my blog while watching a classic movie. But of course, I am word vomiting and I am not paying any attention to the movie, so all in all, it is next to nothing if not itself.

My hate has killed the fruit fly. Fare thee well, not.

Later days!

N.E.V.E.S

I was tagged by my aunt to do this. Here you go Enda.

I. se7en facts you may not know about me when I was 7 years old:

I can't remember much of what happened to me at this age.


1. started a thieving habit
2. I wore a baju kurung for my birthday party
3. set foot on English soil & stayed for 3 1/2 years
4. lost a lot of memory during the flight to England
5. became enemies with the first Malay girl I met there who later became my best friend
6. had no fashion sense because surviving the cold was of utmost importance
7. first time experienced snow

II. se7en things that scare me:


1. violent deaths: MVAs, murder, freak accidents, mauled by a mouth of sharp teeth
2. losing my family
3. a big body of water
4. break a limb OR lose my sight OR become permanently bedridden
5. falling in love
6. alone in a crowd of strangers, I'd rather be by myself
7. the world

III. se7en songs that I like the most:

Just 7?! This will be the hardest thing for me to do. To be fair, I'll put one of my fave songs from my fave genres.


1. 'Hallowed Be Thy Name' by Iron Maiden
2. 'Fuel' by Metallica
3. 'Turn' by Travis
4. 'Hysteria' by Muse & Radiohead's 'The Bends' album [haha...cheating]
5. 'Down To My Last' by Alter Bridge [but honestly I love all their songs]
6. 'Aces of Spades' by Motorhead
7. 'Glosoli' by Sigur Ros

DONE!

Laters...

23 Enigma

Oh crap, I just had an epiphany. I'm sat here thinking about how old [23yrs] I'm turning into in a few hours & it occurred to me that I'll actually be living my 24th year of life after that hour, which made a whole lot of difference. I feel older. Okay, I'm put off by that fact.

Ever since I turned 20 I began hating birthdays. It means nothing to me unless I achieved something profound for that year [which would be the year that just passed]. If you have been reading my blog since the day I started [April 2008], obviously, I am quite happy turning 23, despite that tiny turn off. So, yay! But that epiphany gives me a new meaning to living a life. I'm gonna work hard to fill my 24th year with appreciable experiences so that I'll have a better birthday to look forward to next year. I don't think I can quite grab the whole idea of it yet, I keep losing my train of thoughts [or was that the coffee?].

No, I'm not going to sketch a plan of it, that's as absurd as stalking Gary Oldman.

in his youth as Jackie Flannery in 'State of Grace'

As much as I want to it's highly impossible, he's too far away & he'll have bodyguards, not to mention the fact that he'll hate me before he even gets to know me, and I don't want my life to hate me [wth was that? oops...that's the coffee again].

Aaahh, I better stop. It's destructive to write in this condition.

Later days...

Something Stupid...by far

A quarrel took place by mistake, an unfortunate event indeed. Somehow I feel it was my fault. It happened between my friend & an acquaintance. I instinctively sided the acquaintance and now I don't know where I stand in my friendship with the other. Dolefully, I don't know how to make things right between them. Between us. I can bearly wrap my head around what actually happened that day.

I think it was I that damaged both parties. If I could have just kept my mouth shut, at least for a few more days, it wouldn't have been blown out of proportions like it already has. If I had a better memory, if I predicted their reactions, if I didn't eat out that day, this wouldn't have happened. And it also wouldn't have happened if I wasn't trying to be a good friend, a hero. The same rules apply, either solve the problem and get more love or screw the deal and become the scapegoat.


Human relations hurt. No shit. It hurts because humans as the subject of a situation is hard to put. We are mostly predictable but personality makes us unpredictable at the same time. The differing levels of our 5 basic needs [survival, power, freedom, love & belonging, fun & learning] gives us our diverse list of total behaviours. If I only assessed their basic needs earlier, I could've familiarized their personalities and by doing so, I could've predicted their reactions. It would be quite natural of me to doubt my acquaintance but then again I guess I never really knew my friend as well.

Now I remember. My excuse for social withdrawal last year was "I am not a good friend, so I should avoid them to save them from myself". Partly true, I guess.

One thing is for sure, wherever you are and whatever you are doing in life, don't think you own your loved ones. Once you do you'd feel obligated to make them change into what you think is right, the way you want them to. You can only tell, but never force. If you love them enough and you care to show them that you do, they will eventually change if they feel your love and that the change is beneficial to the relationship. But if they don't then you should only change what lies within. Either change what you want, or what you're doing, or both. If you do nothing you'll suffer and forcing them would be disastrous.

I said once before that there are right ways of being selfish. We can't afford being selfish materialistically in a society but we can be selfish for ourselves. Love someone for what they are and if you're not content with something, change yourselves. Let you be the one to improve. Let you be the peacemaker.

Human relation is an art and it is the oldest & hardest to master. That is why we are happiest with our soulmates because they are like twins to our own personalities and we don't have to try hard to relate to them. They are easy to be with. This, to me, is a form of selfishness which is everything that I am.

It has been an emotionally reviving episode for me. I still don't know what I'm going do with that quarrel which might have been accidentally, inadvertently caused by me. I'd like to hope for the best but seeing how our 'discussion' ended that day, I better prepare for the worst.

Wishing me luck won't do good. Please pray for us instead. Thanks a mill.

Later days...

Very Much Un-Ace-Like

Going home no longer excites me.
wtf? I know.

I don't know what's really going on. It just seems I'm better off staying alone at Plaza Rah [my apartment/college]. Better off for my emotions & peace of mind. Everytime I come home feeling happier than ever, something or somebody just has to come up and piss me off. I don't literally blow up like I usually do years back but I'm trying to keep all that anger in because it's not gonna do any good. I'm hiding in my room right now.

After my mid semester holi, I'm going to make myself stay at college. Be prepared for my finals. I was happy today after finding out I passed all the subjects for my previous exams. I guess it means nothing now.


Damn...I feel so sad right now. The fact that I can't be happy where I thought I belonged is upsetting me. I'm sure you'd feel the same if it happened to you too.

But then again, all this could be circumstantial. It's a Friday, everyone's tired, the house is in a mess, and I'm having my PMS. Maybe a prayer & a nap would wear it off. InsyAllah.

Laters...

Tag! I'm it!

I have been victimized! I never knew this 'game' existed amongst bloggers. It's called tagging.

The rules are: Use a search engine to search the answers to the questions. Then you must choose a picture in the first page of the results, and post it as your answer. After that tag 6 other people.

I have been officially tagged by Wan, and so here are my answers.

1. I am a...

rockhead

2. I want to go here...

to bungee jump

3. Favourite place...

country site

4. Favourite colour...

black & red

5. Favourite food...

ayam kicap

6. Favourite drink...

coffee

7. My school...

Jalan 3, Bandar Baru Bangi [irrelevant question btw]

8. Favourite story...

history

9. Born in...

Kelantan

10. My hobby...

human personality & psychology

11. Live in...

my room

12. I wish for a...

soulmate

The End

Now, my turn to tag others. Unfortunately, I don't know many people who actually read my blog & it's kind of unfair to re-tag Wan. So besides the people in the list below, whoever read this post can consider yourself tagged.

Tag! You're it!
1. Naqqib
2. Dooha
3. Enda
4. Ib
5. Syinteru
6. Whoever is reading...

This was fun Wan, thanx.

...Later days...

Truth-Blind

"Try not to become a man of success but rather to become a man of value"

It's not that success isn't a good thing, it is. But it isn't a good word. Success comes in a package of many kinds but unfortunately many souls on this Earth tends to see success as living luxuriously glorified by status symbols. I'm not saying that is wrong either but money can be a route to all evil - don't take it literally and burn all your belongings. It is greed that blinds us and makes everything go utterly wrong.

There are many forms of success. The one I see is me being able to finally grab control of my own thoughts & actions, breaking free from the ancient universal psychology while living my ultimate purpose. Money isn't much to my taste. As long as I can keep my health, loved ones & source of knowledge, I'll do just fine. I'm not trying to say I'm a saint, nay! I came across this behaviour by wanting a goal that's different from everyone else. I was chasing diversity much too obsessively. And from my way of seeing my ultimate success, you can tell how selfish & self obsessed I actually am. To me, the most humble goal is being able to help others change for the better. Hopefully we will all come to this when we're done helping ourselves.

Okay back to the saying above, success is a bad word because it focuses on the destination. What we really want to focus on is the journey leading to the destination. Not only that we'd learn better but we'd also be much happier thinking in the present. And isn't that all that we want, happiness.



The tragedy of a journey is when blindness grab holds and we lose ourselves. There's a lot of manipulative agents & enticing temptations out there. Many may appear innocent at first but later reveals it's fierce iron claw. This blindness may either make us lose sight of the destination once & for all, or make us lose our loved ones, or even self-destruct. Being too preoccupied with the future may also lead to blindness. The only cure to blindness, as I have experienced, is staying close to our religion. Staying close to God. Our Maker, Our Owner.

Forget X-Files' saying, "The truth is out there". The truth is within ourselves. That's why the search is never ending, we've been looking in all the wrong places! And again, what are we searching for? Happiness. A tip that might help this search, stay close to happy people, take in their positive energy and bloom. As much as I like being alone I have to admit, functional relationships are what makes me happy.

"To achieve & maintain the relationships we have to stop choosing to coerce, force, compel, punish, reward, manipulate, boss, motivate, criticize, blame, complain, nag, badger, rank, rate, and withdraw. We must replace these destructive behaviours with choosing to care, listen, support, negotiate, encourage, love, befriend, trust, accept, welcome, and esteem." - Willian Glasser, M.D., Choice Theory.

I think the difference between becoming a person of success and a person of value is the effort involved. One less than the other, value. Live and let live, age gracefully. Don't try too hard to grow up ahead of others. No rush. Take in the air and experience the life around you. A word to myself as well.

Good Luck out there, it's a dangerous world.

Later be the days...