Don't Judge a Book by It's Ridiculously Beautiful Cover: A Lengthy Review of The Interdimensional Detective by Ten

 Hey Brook,

    Yes, I've moved on from films. I'm not sure why but I don't enjoy them like I used to anymore. I still watch them from time to time, just not as religious as I used to. No more digging for indies and no longer pausing life until it ends. I have better things to do now. 

    In this post, I will TRY (apologies in advance) to review the book, "The Interdimensional Detective" by Ten, which is the first locally published English novel I've ever read. Since I'm on a mission to write one myself, I figured I'd need to research the types of stories the local crowd prefer. Unfortunately, I'm unsure if Ten is Malaysian. I have to be honest though, I am quite distant from the entertainment industries of my own country. I only spent three and a half years in England as a child but it must've been impactful enough to shape my sense of humour and way of thinking that I preferred British entertainments more than anything. Well, for the longest time, I used to. Ever since the world has waken up to the double standards of the western world regarding the rights to self-determination and international law in general when it comes to the onslaught of the Palestinians, I've mostly moved away from that too. Or maybe even before that. I remember having an epiphany while watching season 4 of the Netflix series "The Crown": My country was colonised by these idiots who care more about their petty etiquette than the livelihood of the people from the different and rich cultures they conquered. [insert crickets]

    Moving on. This book, yes. I chose to read it because of its absolutely beautiful cover and my love for space and science fiction/fantasy. Of course, it was cousin Dhuha, again, who told me about the Bookiut publications. From the title itself, I did wonder and even asked Dhuha if it was anything like Dr. Who, to which she ignored for not being familiar with it. Having lived in England, Dr. Who has become part of my general pop culture knowledge even without watching a single episode. So, after a few chapters in, I was convinced, this is indeed a fanfic (fan fiction).

    Not that it's a bad thing to draw inspirations from other narratives, a lot of great films were inspired by other films. I was initially excited for recognizing the similarities. But there is a line between quality storytelling and a self-gratifying self-insert. A big fat line. Even if I looked beyond the glaringly obvious switcheroos: The Doctor to The Detective; the police box to the porta-potty; the sonic screwdriver to the microwave multi-tool; and the T.A.R.D.I.S. to the V.O.R.S.T., the fact of the matter is that this story lacks heart and purpose. 

    Here is the story, abridged. Ava woke up to her brother, River, missing. She called for help via a number from a dodgy ad for The Detective, an hour after she couldn't find her brother. The Detective arrived, asked a few questions, had some ego-fuelled banter, and off they went to find River, who The Detective was convinced was kidnapped by space slave traders. The two travelled across dimensions in V.O.R.S.T., emerged in the slave trader ship, had a tussle, freed slaves, saved River, had a boss fight, hijacked the ship, then back to Earth. The story is pretty straightforward but is almost impossible to flesh out since it is only a 110 paged short novel, yes, very unfair.

    This is a heavily plot-driven story. We don't get any background to make us care about River, who barely exists in this story, although being the main plot of it, and contributes nothing after he was found. He might as well be replaced by a dog and the story will still be the same. But we do get pages of technical mumbo jumbo, without any exposition, on how The Detective was saving the ship. The Detective herself has an attitude, great, maybe it's the same ego that got her off The Doctor's T.A.R.D.I.S. in the first place, but it was never highlighted. Ava, I'm guessing, is the self-insert because she's the brave one, the smart one, and the only emotional one. I know this because I have self-insert "head films" that none of you will ever hear about except for a selected few. 

    This novel has been labelled as fiction. A certain site has labelled it as young adult fiction, which I embarrassingly missed. So, what is their message to their young readers? There are potentially a few but none were truly emphasized. There was barely any interaction between Ava and River, I couldn't feel the familial bond. Even after they got back, River continued as if nothing happened and Ava got over their separation so quick that she then selfishly disappeared from her brother. No heart, no purpose. The author tries to be funny at times but some totally went over my head. Maybe a Dr. Who reference?

    There is potential here, absolutely there is! Ten's writing reminds me a little of Douglas Adams', just a smidge. Maybe it's just the British humour. But Ten spelt "colour" as "color", which bugged the heck out of me. That reminds me, the editor has been slacking off! In the final chapter, "We've alive?" [insert facepalm]. And on page 100, there is a line that writes, 'Just as the captain said that, the lights were completely pulled.' The last person to talk was The Detective, a few paragraphs above. Something definitely got deleted.

    The Interdimensional Detective already has a 150 paged sequel that was published earlier this year but it hasn't gotten any reviews on Goodreads yet. I am wondering if they've improved but I'd rather wait for reviews first and not be persuaded by the ridiculously beautiful cover art, again.

Later days.

10 Years Later...

 Hey Brook,

    I apologise (Holding back laughter).

    Before we start this back up again, let me confess that I no longer swear, I'm happy, and I love being me. I did forget the last post as I said I would. I even forgot I started fiction blogs and felt like I was reading a stranger's draft. How terrifying. I teared up reading the ending of the previous post because it was all true. It was a relief that I no longer feel all the rage that was being conveyed. There is an urge to delete that embarassing existential crisis rant but I'd like to remember the dark spots in my timeline in order to appreciate the current existance. What an angry idiot I was but I'm glad I kept this blog.

    2015, I just graduated from UiTM film school then. It wasn't what I expected. Underwhelming to say the least. I guess that was part of the disappointment back then. Of course, now that I've found my way back here again, I will be rereading all the past posts because, yes, I like the sound of my own...writing? (whatever works) The reason I've come back to blogging is because cousin Dhuha has inspired me to start noveling (instead of screenwriting). But since I haven't been writing for quite some time, I figure I need a little warm up. I might even continue the fictional blog, "Filling the Void". But I'd have to change the story since it was started in 2009, prior the dental exit, and I have no memory whatsoever of any "head films" about it. Let's call it that from now on, head films. The films I've mentally constructed for my daydreaming pleasure. I'm pretty sure it's maladaptive daydreaming.

cousin Dhuha & I

    But I digress, here are highlights since I stoppped writing (the ones I haven't forgotten). I began managing Mama's transit business around the time I wrote the previous post, reluctantly at first but am now really grateful for it. The same year, I traveled to Seoul, South Korea with cousin Hannan and my earliest friend, Ayunni, serving as our tour guide. A few months later, I went to Tokyo, Japan, alone. Well, I flew alone but stayed at my brother, Syam's apartment when he was still working there. I accomplished 10 pull ups on Eid in 2018 after training for nearly a year for it, the year that I peaked in physical fitness. I still miss the 2020 Covid lockdowns, which was a blessing because I had a paradigm shift the week prior. Being in seclusion with the Quran was very much needed. I also learned to bake bread during the same time and contradictingly to my religious awakening, dove into the world of anime, albeit cautiously. Papa had a stroke in Ramadan 1443H/2022, a few months before I went for hajj with Aisyah and Faris. There has been an ongoing massacre in Palestine since the end of 2023, may Allah relieve them of their suffering. A year later in October, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and have just completed my treatments at the National Cancer Institute (IKN) on 30th July 2025. I learnt to bake chiffon cakes during the better days of my chemotherapy treatment.

    And here we are, still childless and unmarried nearly 6 months until my 40th. Being the eldest "andartu" (spinster) amongst my cousins does feel like an accomplishment, somehow. But I am honestly happier now. I remember writing about the elusive state of happiness somewhere on this blog. I'm glad it all worked out. No, the real measure of success is not by the numbers in our life, but the closeness of our hearts to Allah SWT. My bucket has been leaking a lot lately and I've been trying to tape it shut. It is a never ending struggle. But as long as we accept that that is what life actually is, then the suffering stops or at least become bearable.

I can't say I missed you, Brook. I haven't even thought about blogging one bit. Hopefully, I can keep this up again. It is quite masturbatory, I know, sorry (and sorry for using that word, although, it won't be the last time). I will try my best to talk less about myself. But as a forgetful person, this helps in my self-assessment efforts. Also, I am on a mission. 

Fare thee well, for now.

Oh, I mean...

Later days.

p/s: I have cats now.

Thought Vomit: 29

There will be no paragraphs. These are thought vomits. Profanity included. 

29. People keep saying that it's just a number. Fuck you. Yes, it's the number of years that I've been cruising instead of contributing. In 29 years of my life, I have gained nothing but an uninteresting personality that isn't worth noticing. There are kids and teenagers that are achieving more than I have. I hate the fact that all I've been thinking about lately is how can I get money. Money, money, money. Useless. I hate money. I hate things. I want to just walk, travel, and survive. But I'm afraid that I only want to because I think it's the ideal excuse to not being able to be GREAT. To travel and to meet people. Who am I kidding? I hate talking to people. But maybe because all the people I know only talk about work and property and politics. Things that don't really matter to me. Things that I don't think should even matter that much because they only give you a reason to categorize them, nothing more. Marriage and kids, stay off those subjects if you don't want me to make you doubt yours. I hate the fact that I get jealous of other people's happy selfies with their happy husband and ugly newborns. Ugh, take your happiness elsewhere. Don't share your happiness if you won't share my anxieties. I hate that that makes me sound selfish, but I am. So do what you want, please don't go out of your way to please me. But seriously, why the hell do I even feel jealous? I have anxieties about getting married and having kids. Maybe it's not about getting married or making babies. Maybe I'm jealous seeing other people being happy while I'm constantly miserable and volatile. I envy people who have a lot going on in their lives while I only surf Youtube and Imgur all day. Why the hell am I not doing anything about it. LAZY. No excuse. That's just it. Plus, anxiety is a fucking Berlin wall. Every night, I fall asleep to a voice telling me I'm ugly and useless. I've been trying to get over this for years but the more I acknowledge this problem the higher the wall. All these years of realizing, have I really been trying to climb over it or just coasting about, thinking about it? Because I'm tired and I don't even know where I'm at anymore. Being 29 obviously means nothing to my parents. I still can't drive out of the state alone. Compared to the US, Malaysia isn't even as big as any of its states, maybe 1 or 2 but you get the point. The fact that I'm letting this stop me from travelling alone might say something about my personality. Perseverance is not a quality of mine. There's a lot that I wish to be but go 'eh' when an opportunity presents itself. Be an avid book reader, for instance. Be calm. Be a great listener. Be helpful. Be diligent. Why do I associate myself with these values when I hardly do them? I keep thinking that doing these would turn me into the ideal me. But what does that make the current me? Am I not myself right now? It means that I know what is good for me but somehow, I'm just sitting in this car, filled with half packed bags. No, wait. Half empty bags, sounds more me. Saying half packed makes it sound incomplete. Half empty sounds like I haven't even started. 

Let me just state it here for future Edd, because you have a high potential of forgetting this. Edd, you are already happy, you just don't see it because you worry too much. The idea that you have to earn a lot to be successful comes from your parents' beliefs, not yours. You can be happy as long as you can survive without depending on others and making them happy without taking anything in return because that is how you level up in life. The +1 amounts to something beyond this life, Edd. Please remember this. I know you believe it, you're just forgetful sometimes. Come back to this to improve the words. Don't deny that you love yourself just to be a depressed. Stop believing you belong with them. It's human to doubt yourself. Not that you want to be normal but a Jedi, you are not. But fuck it, just in case, let's to work towards it. 

My left hand. In case you need to see my cleansing utensil. 

Be happy, Edd.

That long weekend when 47 - 1 = 46 and ended in silence

The first memory and the last

Thoughts on him:

My cousin Saif was the wild spirit that I've always envied. Especially after Aussie.

The other "family rebel" that pioneered his own way to live his own life, giving me the confidence that this "family rebel" can survive too. He ended up paving a solid pathway that everyone eventually warmed up to. The same hope I have for myself. But then again, I've always been more of a loser than a rebel.

He's one of those big brothers that can make you feel better just by being there, even though he's a year younger than me.

My first thought after the news of your passing sank in was, "Damn it, Saif." and half-hoped you peered in the room to say, "Oi, buat apa?"

Prayers to you, Saif. Thanks for the sand.

Great Talks

The best conversations I ever have are with my brother, Faris. He's 6 years younger but out of all my siblings, he's the one I can connect to the most. We have a mutual respect for each other's level of knowledge and absurdity. But I know he'd pay no attention to me if we're around his friends. It's that kind of relationship. 

Our great talks usually take place at night or sometimes we hang out together, outside or at home playing X-box (or he plays while I watch). He understands that I like watching him play so he'd play action adventure games instead of FIFA when I'm around (because FIFA is boring to non-football fans). He'd buy Assassin's Creed just because he knows it's my favorite game even though he's not into it. 

But the greatest thing is our talks. It ranges so wide and I rarely have that with anyone else. I'm an awkward person outside. I wish someday I can share it with some other guy. Because my bro has a girl now and I feel like I might lose him someday, when he'll be married. I'm nearly sure he will beat me to it, like he does with everything else. He's a great young man I'm proud to have as my brother.

Missing my bro.

Later days.

I basically have no idea anymore...

That's my most honest opinion that I have of myself currently...and of my future plans.

I basically have no more plans and hope for the future anymore. I'll just take whatever rolls in and be thankful that something does roll in. 

I don't think planning ahead suits me. I do kinda panic ahead, resulting in a very careful safe result. SAFE. When I write "planning", I guess the only things they ever include are career and marriage because those are the only words I typed before I erased and wrote this instead. If there's more I should know, I beg to be notified. Maybe I can plan my death scene?

CAREER

My understanding of a career is doing a job that one is passionate about. 

Dentistry was not a passion and so I left after 6 years in. I am deeply sorry to those hurt by this decision but I never regretted it. There was no fire, there was only ice. I can never make anyone really understand the selfish stance I took but 6 years was too much. I have friends with kids that age now. Maybe if I had a different personality or was in a different circumstance, I wouldn't have left. But I did. The only regret I have is not leaving sooner.

In my current course of education, I am much happier although the outside world keeps scaring me about the instability of job availability. It does scare me because I still live with my parents and they remind me - not verbally or anything, just by the act of seeing them - of the immense debt I owe them. I can live just to survive, I don't need luxury but to not be able to support myself, at my age, is killing my self worth. Stop scaring people like that, I don't have money to keep buying new undies. And it does horrible things to my already petite confidence level. 

I am trying freelance slowly. Just...stop lecturing me, or others like me. Advise us...and maybe hug us and pat our backs for confidence. 

MARRIAGE

Well, hahahahhahahahahahahahahhaahahhahahahhahhaahahahahahahahahaahaha...

My last target was 25. I got a bit desperate now and then. The image of a husband became more of a must than a maybe in my mind. I do want marriage and children. But FB posts are really an enemy now. Peer pressure never really got to me before but the internet has found it's way through my social cocoon. You are the opposite of getting my life hacked by a stranger, and you are perhaps worse (I never had a hacker hack me to pieces, sorry to those who had if otherwise).

Even my taste in men have changed radically, or perhaps logically. The once vision of a husband as a ripped, tough, tall, dark and handsome type has been replaced with any man with a passion and a stable personality. I don't even care if he's much older, actually, I prefer them older. Maybe an old geek somewhere stuck in his youth, as I am stuck in my childhood years. I just made it sound paedo...heh.

Do I hope to at least be married by 30? Of course. But would I mind if I don't? Who gives a flying fox... It's just a number. Only humans measure time and only humans are the ones frustrated by it. 

I remember having everything planned during Form 5:

1. finish SPM - was not confident on getting straight A's, so I already planned to start over once in matriculation.

2. aced in matriculation

3. get into Dental school

4. get military scholarship

5. graduate at 24 and earn own money

6. married by 25

7. propagate 

I got to no.4 and started losing track (or was I?). A lot of mature questions started to pop up before I even finished resolving teen issues. Maybe that's why I'm awkward. 

I keep thinking to myself that I have to change - not in the improvement aspect, that's expected of a normal human being - my personality and looks in order to fit better in this world, to be friends with more people, to get him to finally notice me. But that would be lying to myself. It would be a philosophical equivalent to an abortion. I guess there is a factor of narcissism in every one of us to value ourselves enough not to completely change ourselves. We are individually engineered for a purpose and so until I find that purpose, I'll move at my own pace...as poyo as that may be.

Until I feel like writing more...later be thy days.

Highest, Tallest, Farthest

Oh look, I missed a few days. Well sock it!

I was writing something about Feminism but ditched it 1/3 through because it is a boring topic. HAHAHAHA! We don't need all these ideologies. Humans are looking for labels are the time. Let it be!!


Right, so. This geography lesson I'm about to share here, I learnt it off QI [Quite Interesting]. If you already know, good. But don't bother stating that because everybody will hate you for it [A lesson I got on Raya that I'm still trying to get rid off].


What is the HIGHEST point on Earth, the TALLEST mountain, and the FARTHEST point from Earth's core?



MT. EVEREST!

Consequently, RIGHT! WRONG! WRONG!

Mt.Everest IS the highest point on the surface of Earth but it is not the tallest of mountains and the furthest of peaks.

Situated on the border of Nepal and China, it stands at the height of 8,850 m OR 29,035 ft above the sea level. Stand on that peak and you'll be the new highest point.

The first recorded attempt to ascent was in 1922.
The first successful ascent was in 1953 by Edmund Hillary (explorer from New Zealand) and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay (Nepalese Indian Sherpa mountaineer from Darjeeling).

The Himalaya is indeed growing. Tectonic plate shifting is pushing it up 2 inches a year BUT due to global warming, Everest is losing it's ice caps and glaciers faster. So it's being declared as shrinking instead. [but it's still really tall]

Did you know that it costs around $40,000 to $70,000 to actually attempt reaching the summit? That includes the licensing of course. Scratch that off my list, it's full of garbage and dead bodies anyway.

A Nepali called Apa Sherpa and his "groupie" are campaigning to clean and preserve it. Good Luck! He also holds the world record for reaching the summit 21 times (1990-2011), sharing it with Phurba Tashi (1999-2013)

It was named after Colonel Sir George Everest by Andrew Waugh, the then Surveyor General of India. Everest was his predecessor and pronounced his name as "eever-ist" instead of the modern "ever-est". Now when did that change? By the way, before Everest, it was called "Peak XV" by the Great Trigonometric Survey, "Deodungha" in Darjeeling, and "Chomolungma" in Tibet.



Then what is the TALLEST mountain on Earth?!

MAUNA KEA!!

It's the highest point in Hawaii and only ascends to 4,205 m OR 13,796 ft above the sea level.

BUT from it's base, which lies underwater, the total height is a staggeringly 10,100 m tall.

The first recorded successful ascent was in 1823 by Joseph F. Goodrich, an American missionary, noting that he was not the first after finding unnatural rock arrangements there.

What's on top? A lot of snow and an observatory. It's one of the best spots to look into the sky since there aren't much clouds.

Unlike Everest though, it's a dormant volcano. So without going into any geological details, you can imagine that they are made from different materials.

The last time it erupted was around 4,600 years ago and it may still erupt. But the observatory!!

It's the largest and youngest island of the Hawaiian-Emperor seamount chain. You see, the islands of Hawaii are all formed from volcanic lava that are spewed from the same spot but because the Earth's crust never really sit still, once it moves the unstable mantle bursts onto a new location on Earth's surface, forming a chain pattern of the movement of Earth's crust. Thus, Hawaii.



Okay, so if Mt. Everest is the highest peak, shouldn't it also be the farthest point from the centre of the Earth?

NO, because Earth isn't a perfect sphere, it's an oblate spheroid. It's a bit squished in the middle circumference at the equator, known as the equatorial bulge. So because of this, Mt. Everest comes in as the 5th tallest mountain measured from Earth's core.

The 1st is MT. CHIMBORAZO in Ecuador.

It is located only 1 degree South of the equator line and part of the Andes mountain range. While Mt. Everest is 28 degrees North.

It's height is 6,267 m OR 20,561 ft above sea level.

Chimborazo is 6,384.4 km from the centre of the Earth while Mt. Everest is just short 2 km. But the thing is, Chimborazo isn't even the highest mountain of the Andes, it's Mt.Aconcagua [one of the 7 summits] located in Argentina which stands at 6,962 m OR 22,841 ft.

What's on top? Mostly glaciers. These glaciers are the main source of water for the locals. They also mine and sell the ice. But like every icey things on Earth, global warming just loves making them flow.

Chimborazo is also a volcano and has been discovered to have erupted 7 times over the course of 10,000 years. It's estimated to erupt every 1,000 years and since the last eruption was 1,400 years ago, it is being view as dangerous.

It WAS known to be the highest peak on Earth prior to the discovery of the Himalayas. People had already been climbing it since the 17th century.


So remember,

EVEREST is the HIGHEST peak
MAUNA KEA is the TALLEST mountain
CHIMBORAZO is the FARTHEST from Earth's centre

Later days...

Memento

I have said that I should start writing again. I said that last month exactly after the holidays started.

But I've forgotten, as usual. I really don't know what goes on in my head sometimes. I am pathologically forgetful, I swear. And having multiple opinions criss-crossing on multiple subjects at one time really does exacerbate things.

You know that hyper-creative state you get into just before you fall asleep? Well that's what it's like on a daily basis for me. A slightly watered-down version than the actual sleepy-brain, but that's one way I'd describe it.

OMNISHAMBLES
- this new word was named the Word of the Year by Oxford Dictionary in 2012. it's still underlined red as I'm typing it.
- it is what you think it means, shambles at large. Go Google it lazybums...
- I'm going to use this word to describe my thought processes. I dub thee, Brain of Edd, Omnishambles.

See I just learnt that tiny piece of linguistic fact from one of many Brit's comedy quiz shows, hosted by Jimmy Carr. And this is what I have decided to do to keep on writing for this failing blog. Which is - if at all possible - write a daily entry of TILs ["today I learned" - for those unfamiliar]. SIMPLE. Be it film reviews, common knowledge, life lesson, or basically a self reminder of how to survive around people [take note introverts].

You might think DUH everybody who blogs does that. Hardly a breakthrough there. Well sorry, I've been stuck on the 'Myself Update' version of blogging that I annoyed myself to stop writing. So please be proud of me for realizing this weightless grain of epiphany and I'll try not to be the reason you hate bloggers. [who the prick blogs anymore anyway???!!!]

I'll set some ground rules as I go about doing it.

I think they'll be mostly on things I'll learnt of QI. I mean, I've already forgotten what I was supposed to put as my first learned lesson that prompted me to actually start typing. Bad Omnishambles!

Later be thy days...

We Don't Get To Choose...

Dear Malaysia

I hate you right now. What do you want? You're making everyone bitter, making everyone arrogant for making their choices. This battle of egos is nothing more than playground politics, it's absurd. No, I don't understand and I don't think I need to. My level of knowledge and education is obviously lower than most of men up there and if they can't see eye to eye, what good would my understanding do? If it is a crime not to choose then cuff my hands. If it is a sin then I'll exile myself into hiding from the eyes of men and spend the rest of my life devoting myself to my God. I see great faults on both pastures and with all the turmoil in the air I see no water ahead. Your flocks will die and you will fade into just another terrible nightmare. Bogeymen of the 21st century. You are all Bogeymen. My naivety is lost under all this hatred. Equal hatred for both parties. Equal hatred for all unnecessary conflicts. Democracy is a myth.

Remember when Qui Gon Jinn found Anakin and thought he was The One, as mentioned in the prophecy? But Anakin turned out to be the one to bring the Jedi down. It was his son Luke instead that was the saviour.

Remember when Merlin thought Sir Lancelot was the prophetic hero? But his affair with the Queen turned out to be the catalyst that lead to many deaths, including Arthur's. It was his bastard son Galahad that turned out to be the hero.

Yes these are fictions but fictions are inspired by real events. I have a point but I am not brave enough to speak it out loud.

Even in desperation maybe it isn't wise to choose to drink from either a poisoned well or a bowl of seawater. It's not like we'd last longer, we'll just suffer more before we die. If we don't choose, we can walk further, struggle further, search further. Maybe then we'll meet a Luke or a Galahad. And die as fate had intended but with dignity.

I'm sorry, this is just my opinion.

After the Wedding

Brook, I can't get this film out of my head. In most ways, it reminds me quite a lot of 'The Separation'. It' about human, life, and emotions. And both films end with their lives moving on, with no conclusive happy endings.  I hope in the future, this is what I will be able to put forth.

I realize that it's impossible for me to start doing them here, under the current dean at UiTM's film school. I can surely try and he will surely shut me down for being 'syok sendiri'. Really? And even so, wouldn't that be my choice? Somehow I feel like he belongs to those Classical Hollywood producers where only profit matters. Showbiz. No, not me. That is not my path. And so now, I can only endure.

Through the Looking Glass

Wow! It has been quite a while HAHAHAHA!

Oh Brook, you old sod. Frankly, I think its because blogging is no longer a trend. That's why I've slowed down terribly. But its really good exercise in language usage. I read my old and earlier posts and get jealous of myself, so I should keep it up, yes? To become a better writer, YES.

So here we go.

For the sake of record keeping, I am now in my 3rd semester at UiTM Puncak Perdana which means I've just started my 2nd year. To be honest with you [Brook], I'm quite nervous about this year. I'm feeling the jitters. More so than the previous year because I'm getting closer to reality. The working life. And 30 [gulp].

List of courses, Semester 3:
- Directing 1
- Cinematography 1
- Single Camera Production
- Post Production (Editing)
- Documentary Script
- Arts Law
- Introduction to Psychology & Sociology

...and 2 language courses. The top 4 courses are core subjects and within 2 months we will be practising them in a production of a short film.

One thing about UiTM thats so different from my studies at UKM is that UiTM rushes you against time. UKM is more calm and takes its time to slowly wean the knowledge into you. But I guess it is necessary within my field because TIME will be an enemy in any production other than finance.

Enough recapping my current situation, let's get a topic going.

I'm really bad at talking about current issues because I prefer a history lesson of some hundred years ago. Current issues nowadays, especially in Malaysia is being bent here and there for political reasons while our politicians are bashing and blaming each other like school kids. Its really not as amusing when you realize they run your country. [I really need to listen more to David Mitchell to be able to rant with humour and intelligence]. I have always guiltily kept a blind-eye towards all that because my brain hates boring stuff.

So no current issues. My gosh I'm empty. I recently have noticed that I am bad at conversations. And realizing this made it worse. Another is being an introvert and having a little social anxiety. Realizing the problem makes it worse! It's like I have labelled myself.

And now my brain is tired. Toodles!

Liberica beans & Snail crackers

Dear God,

What is this feeling? I am obsessed and I cannot focus on my studies. I need to get rid of this feeling. Why is it so hard? It's just a feeling. It is just hormonal fluctuations. It is just my brain teasing my shallow perceptions and emotional desperation. My physical being is just one part of me while the other part is my soul, my life. God can take my soul even if my physical is in perfect condition. But He wouldn't make such an impressive anomaly out of me, I am not a perfect being. Not perfect in His sense, not ours.

What should I do to forget this feeling? No, not forget, but erase. I need to erase it. To forget is letting it be hidden from view until a reminder uncovers it. I don't want to be reminded of how I am brought down to my knees just because of this unexplainable feeling. There will be no end to it and because of this, I should stop pondering upon it. No matter how many gallons of coffee I drink, no matter how many tons of food I stuff myself with, as long as I do not reveal this feeling, it will come to nothing. But what of my prayers, my God? I have been praying. But not good enough I assume, not good enough. Too selfish a need, it has become an obsessive requirement.

If he is meant for me then I beg You to make him come to me even in my seclusion from society. I must remain on this path to You, I must remain on my mission for You. I will not forget my past and I will not let it haunt me, let it fuel me instead.

My 'Assassin's Creed' Essay for English Class

The Assassin Ancestors

            The Assassin’s Creed series is a chain of video games developed and published by Ubisoft. It is a sandbox style action-adventure-stealth video game released near the end of 2007. The first of the series, Assassin’s Creed, won many awards for ‘Best Game’ and ‘Best Graphics’ and at the same time instigated a solid fan base across the globe. After releasing four main series, 7 spin-off games, and another main series called Assassin’s Creed III coming soon in October, it seems that the wave is still going strong. Multiple numbers of graphic novels, fiction novels, and video shorts have been produced regarding the game’s storyline, further perpetuating the craze of enthusiasm. This essay will examine some of the factors that make this video game such a successful franchise including, the storyline, the gameplay, and the message behind the passion.

            The background story features a central character called Desmond Miles, who is a descendant of a long line of Assassins. He was brought up to become one of the Assassins and was required to undergo rigorous training routines since his childhood years. Unable to understand the purpose, he abandoned the life to search for a normal one. He was later kidnapped by Abstergo Industries which was run by the modern-day Knights Templar, the age-old arch nemesis of the Assassins. He was experimented upon by the Templars using a device called the Animus which enables Desmond to experience the memories of his Assassin ancestors. The first ancestor featured on the first series was the Syrian, Altaïr Ibn La’Ahad, a disgraced member of the Assassin’s Brotherhood trying to redeem himself in 1191 during the 3^rd Crusade in the Holy Land. Assassin’s Creed II featured an ancestor of Italian origins called Ezio Auditore da Firenze, a young assassin who had just discovered his assassin family roots during the late 15^th and early 16^th centuries of the Renaissance. The reason Abstergo was sending Desmond to experience these memories was to search for the missing artefacts called Pieces of Eden or The Apple, which holds within them great knowledge and consequent power to control humankind and change its fate. The rich background story was influenced by real people and events from different eras and geography but tweaked by the writers to be related to one another. They also incorporate into the game partial traces of general knowledge about the history of the world.

            The gameplay is a non-linear action adventure game played mainly through Desmond as he experiences the memory of his ancestors and is controlled as the third-person in an open world that is only limited by the assassin’s own experience. There will be a storyline to follow and goals to accomplish in order to move on in the development of the narrative but the speciality of this game is that the character has a wider level of interaction than most where the character may move around by ground or preferably by climbing onto the roofs to become more discreet as it concentrates on parkour and stealth movements. Other than the main assassination missions there will be side tasks of collecting certain items or records to unlock special weapons or features. The Assassin’s main weapon for his stealthy execution is the hidden blade which undergoes numerous upgrades throughout the game series. There are also features that allow the gamers to customize their own characters, choosing their own choice of weapon combinations for the best kill action and colour scheme of his attire.

The gaming experience of following in the footsteps of the enigmatic ancestors’ itself is enough to absorb the gamers’ attention and passion to commit but combined with the fascinating layers of storytelling, it shoots the imagination out into a world of its own. The story contains relatable subject matters to the real world which may provoke thoughts of rebelliousness against the real Templars of the real world. The back-story of the Pieces of Eden also contains a message about how the human race has continually degraded itself through greed in gathering resources on Earth and declaring wars over power struggles, self-inflicting the atmosphere of apocalypse upon ourselves. Through a personal experience after completing all four available main series, the passion for ‘the fight’ burns through and haunts the mind for days as it does have a ring of truth to it. As a fan of this franchise, the Assassin’s Creed motto of “Nothing is true, everything is permitted,” becomes a new personal goal to live by. “Nothing is true” means we live in a world full of lies and uncertainties whereby committing to any would lead us into a blinding doom. “Everything is permitted” means we should do anything that is necessary and not let anything bind us from accomplishing our rightful mission of guarding the sanctity of human souls.

As a conclusion, the Assassin’s Creed is more than just a video game requiring the execution of targets in bloodshed. The profound historic backgrounds it present relates to the Pieces of Eden that holds the fate of the future. The lesson to be taken here is that our future depends on our ability to learn from the past. It could be that the developers of this video game is trying to invoke and influence within its gamers to have a more open outlook at the state of the world than merely corresponding to plain and simple assassination missions. This gave birth to a large group of people who now secretly calls themselves Assassins and lives by the code of ‘serving the light in the dark’. The battle will continue in Assassin’s Creed III with the ancestor Connor Kenway, a half Mohawk, half British Assassin during the American Evolution.

Nazis AND Zombies ??!!

Ok, it has been postponed for too long.
The dream I mentioned on my last post haha! Honestly, it has been bugging me since the day I dreamt it (damn, 'dreamt' isn't a real word?), as in an inspiration for movies and...stuff.

I never got to play Call of Duty when I wanted to last year. Even though I can play it now since my bro borrowed an Xbox (YAAAAYY!), but I lost interest. Plus, I must heed the calling of my Creed (hint). So I never got to kill the Nazi zombies.

So the first position I remember myself being in in the dream was, hiding, trying to escape the Nazis, actual Nazis, arm salute and all. While all this was happening, I was with a few people I was familiar with in the dream but not in real life. You know the feeling. And one of them was also my boyfriend. That's right, a dream boyfriend, which was hilarious because I actually know this guy in real life, only not that well. I hardly ever talk to him. Plus I'm not keen on having one right now.

So we were trying to escape but they saw us and we ended up in a chase. See how illogical this is, I mean the Nazis have an arsenal of killing machines and the only thing we had that could be considered as a weapon was if we broke off our own arms, chewed the meat off and snap the edges of the bone so it'll be pointy enough to pierce human flesh plus the Nazis' leather. Anyway, they failed to catch us as we were somehow running at the speed of light sound (that's a song, mind you). We later hid in an abandoned wooden house -your standard 'umah kampong'- somewhere in the country (another song). Trying hard to keep quiet as we were all breathing hard from the chase.

When we finally settled down and were sure that the Nazis had lost our trails, we started to look for clues to where we actually were. Looking at papers and letters to find out who the house belonged to. As we wondered towards the back of the house, we started hearing moans and groans of an abnormal human nature from the floors. If I had the knowledge of zombie hunting, which I'm positive I do (Thank you Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost), I would immediately suspect ZOMBIES. Unfortunately, my dream brain failed to get a connection into my 'partially useless general knowledge archive' section of my brain. I have bad connections, what can I say. So we went and opened the locked basement door anyways. GREAT! And so the adventure continues and it was far more ridiculous than this that I don't think I could or should explain it all here.

There was a part which, I think, was inspired by a Harry Potter game I played 6 years ago. Goblins and jelly beans and such. Then I rode a...very tall car (???) with that dream boyfriend of mine. Then there were the graboids from Tremors. Oh but no vampires! Ahaa no Twilight for sure, but there should have been. I'd love to actual slay one. Bring back BLADE!!

Anyways, I have been trying to put a plot/story-line together based on this dream since it is very, very interesting. Tim Olyphant for the guy hero of course. Not as a boyfriend since I genetically cannot tolerate mushies (publicly, ahahaha!!). And I think this will be post-apocalypse type of concept, where everybody will be in survival mode (like The Road or Walking Dead, not like those 'a group of students went to an abandoned place and so on & so forth'). If anyone tries to take this story, go ahead! I believe it will be a challenge, just don't forget mention my name or put me in the movie instead haha. Capiche?


Later days zombies of the world!!

The Journey So Far...

Dear Brook,
        For the past 2 weeks, I had been busier than I had ever been in UKM. UiTM keeps you on your toes. Especially if you're in my course, Screen Creative Tech.. Frustrating? Nay! Tired? Definitely, but only now do I really feel like a student of the higher education, unlike 6 years earlier when I started out in UKM. I am starting to think that what I'm currently feeling now may confirm what my ex-Dean said to me in his office while discussing my black-list situation back then. I was too young and was not ready for  the higher education (not his words at all, I'm just summing it up).

         My brain, it was lagging, and my genetics left me no chance to stay afloat. We all have different ways of learning, different periods needed, and of course different talents embedded. 2 years ago I bought  Daniel Goleman's Bestseller, Emotional Intelligence and it mentioned about Howard Gardner, a professor of education from Harvard who discovered the theory of Multiple Intelligences back in 1989 (PLEASE do Wiki it). Amazingly, it was what I had been looking for all along. Do you know that feeling? It was like I was somehow connected to it, fate...takdir. According to the book 'The People Code', a part of my personality is always feeling like 'I am on a mission from God', which I am proud of and I would do so if He allows it. And I believe this because for me, it had been true since before I even read the book. I had always been looking for my purpose in life. I know it sounds cliche but so is the truth. The truth is we are only the humble servants of God and we should only serve to His words while living amongst His epic masterpiece.
     
         Now, other than my gut-feeling fated enlightenment after reading the finding, I also found my place and actually got myself here in UiTM. So far so good because I am still feeling the pulse of life and I am seeing good signs, insyAllah. So early on in starting this course, we were told we had to do an individual research, I was all 'FEMINISM! FEMINISM! FEMINISM!' in my head then. Until I bought 'Brain Rules', a month ago, which fatefully reminded me all about the by-then-forgotten theory of the Multiple Intelligences a week before we had to submit our research topic. So now my research title would be something like 'An Alternative Education System Based on the Theory of Multiple Intelligences'. I haven't a clue yet on where I should begin or how I should tackle the research. But I do feel that there is a ring of truth to the theory and that this is my path. I just have to keep my head straight and remember that this is my purpose.

p/s: i started the post wanting to write about a dream i had last night. see how easily i can lose my way? :P

later days...

The Journey Begins

Assalamualaikum...

          26 years.
          It took me 26 years to finally get on the right track. The transition is over. From here on forth, all my energy and knowledge shall be dedicated to my absolute goal. My dear God, Ya Allah, I live to serve You. I beg You not to make me lose my way this time. I realized that You have given me what I have always asked for, how blind I have been. How blinder could I still be? Is this Your comedy my dear Allah? I am a fool, for I am only Your servant.

          UiTM is now my current field for knowledge gathering. Allow me to be frank, I miss UKM. As cliche as it sounds, it will always be in my heart. It was a place that gave me a special lesson...directly and indirectly. One of them was to trust Him no matter what. UKM was where I found that something was missing inside, it gave me a reason to start searching for what I needed to find - or at that time, what I thought I lost, happiness.

         A never ending quest I suppose, that search for our purpose in life. Our sole purpose. I agree we should trust Him in giving us one when He pulled us out of the darkness in the first place. It's the beauty of this life He created. We are forever bound in this sacred pact of life, forever connected through the finest strings of molecular structure. I wish to preserve that. Now, I may or may not be where I should be, but I have reasons to believe that somehow, I am. And so I fear Your wrath, Dear Allah, forgive me if I ever overjoyed, ever too proud, for I am weak.

I got myself here, or was that You Allah? :) . And so lemons will not only be turned to lemonades but also lemon meringue pies, lemon tarts, lemony sponge cake with lemon flavoured butter cream filling.

Strength & Honour!

     

Quitting

The time has come for me to leave the pizza place. 7 months. More than half a year and I am left battered.

It is cruel what humanity demands of us.
It is cruel how the community demands their rights in needs.
It is too cruel when customers make a scene after waiting too long for their orders while we in the kitchen are going as fast as we can to fulfill their never ending lists of needs and wants supervised by the golden criteria. We too are hungry, we too are thirsty, and we work whether in pain or anger. They raise their voices in annoyance, we smile to soothe their patience, offer free pizza on their next order. All for a basic RM900.

The people I got to know, the type of people customers are and can be, I will try not to forget. But Allah knows how forgetful I am. They will always be strangers to me. I never belonged but it was an opportunity to learn and so learned I did. Hopefully I gained for the better.

I am leaving you now. Some others may follow. We are tired. Thank you for your patience.

Good bye Domino's Pizza Bangi.

The Chemistry

Salam,

I wish I had other things to put into words other than my days as a pizza maker/cashier at BBB's Domino's Pizza but I spend half my days there where the other half is spent sleeping at home. I must admit, my patience is running thin. I'm getting bored of repeating the same sentences over and over again. See, I can't be in a field of a mundane and repetitive nature. I need projects that requires frequent brainstorming. Maybe I'm frustrated because I can't stop and stare and daydream for long to come up with ideas. I am constantly dealing with human beings. I reminisce the days of being alone and again, I envy inmates.

The other thing that frustrates me is that our community is still blind and being stupid about not being able to throw their own garbage into those specifically made containers strategically placed [or not] around most buildings. Of course I'm pointing out the one at Dom's. It's heartbreaking! It's right their on their way out, just chuck em' in! Please people, learn to be responsible for your own mess. Isn't it part of being a muslim? I thank those who do understand and I will try my best to not be a hypocrite on this matter [Oh crap..kat umah kne improve this behavior]. The least we could do is to pile them up neatly to make things easier for the table cleaners or busboys. Never think we deserve better than the people that cleans up after us. It's degrading. We are all equal.

Boys will be boys. Boys and their antics. Some boys are good, some bad, and some ugly. When the good leaves, you won't feel good anymore and you feel like leaving too. But the good never forgets a friend, and that makes you feel good again. Good boy.

Later days...

Mr.Muslim and Mr.Tanvee

Mr.Muslim
He came alone on a Sunday afternoon when the store was empty. He was tall and well [very well] built in the torso, very fair and looks Chinese. I thought he was Chinese until I heard his name [At Dom's we are required to acquire the customer's phone number and name for record]. He looked especially...gentle in his soft lavender tee and cream khaki shorts [below knee]. His voice was manly yet ever so charming and he smiles in gratitude. I had only one thing to say after you left the store Mr.Muslim, "You are a hunk!"

Mr.Tanvee
He came in today around 2pm. It was lunch hour but on a Monday so the store was pretty much empty with only a few other individuals scattered around the tables, waiting for their orders quietly. He looked Indian, I thought he was Malaysian Indian, so I said, "Selamat datang encik, sebelah sini encik," thumbing to the ordering counter. When he spoke, it was obvious he wasn't Malaysian. So I used my accented English just because I could. He had a British accent and so I met it with mine. Then he left for the 15 minutes guarantee period. Later, when he came for the pizza he said,"If you don't mind me saying, your English is very good, you sound very different, are you not from around here?" and so I told him how I've been over 'there' when I was a 'child' [I can't believe I used that word...why so formal haa? puyu]. He said that he was new in Bangi and he has met all kinds of people but, "you stand out the most...and your name, it's very...unique." I smiled wildly at the first compliment but pulled a very puzzled face for the latter, "Really? It's a very common Malaysian name." He seemed surprised and said he's never met anyone called Hidayah yet. I didn't know why I was rushing to end the conversation, I didn't even ask where he was from and why he moved here. But in the end when I said the common, "Thank you, come again." He replied, "Oh, I will. Thank you." That was nice. It made me happy for the rest of the day. I hope to see and talk to you again Mr.Tanvee.

Reporting live from Domino's BBB...later days.

At Dom's: A Month Later

I survived! While 2 other boys have trained and left, I am still here. I think it's mainly because I've been stationed at the front as the cashier. I am learning to make pizzas and have made a few orders but often sent out of the kitchen and towards the front to handle the customers during rush hours such as lunch/dinner time and throughout the weekends. I don't really mind because in a way, they still need me. There are issues of staff shortage at times which is quite frustrating.

I have befriended the Dom's staff and although their lives are staggeringly different from mine we can still relate. The managers here are strict but friendly and I value that a lot.

At Domino's I am not Edd Falco, I am Hidayah or Dayah. I am not a metalhead/rock chick but a girl. How did this happen? I have no idea, it just did and I like it for a change. It kinda reflects how I am really perceived in the open world and not just my bubble of thoughts. They treat me like a lady! Don't get me wrong, I still work hard, throw out the trash and clean everything from the rubbish bin to the hanging lamps. But the boys buy me food and drinks, make sure I get to eat, ask how I'm doing, and make me laugh when I look tired.

There'll be a new girl coming in for training today. YAY! The only other girl staff has been absent a few times now. This new girl I have a feeling will stay long, she's a tomboy like the current one but not as loud. Hopefully she'll do fine because we are critically short on pizza makers and I don't think they're too keen on training me as one for I would leave in a few months.

Update! I blew off both left tires of mom's Iswara last night coming home from work.

Still tired but still happy, later days...off to work.

Domino's

Today was the first day!
I'm still in training though but I've seen everything. I mean EVERYTHING! and that is all that's going to be said.
I applied for the pizza maker position, thinking they'd put me safely behind enemy's line and far away from the social scene. But NO! Not yet at least...I hope. Everybody has to experience everything so today, I was mainly the greeter who's also the one punching in the orders. I guess I was the only trainee who was able to pick it up quickly. Oh did I mention I was the only female working in the store today.

The first thing the manager (let's call him Mr.Man) told me when I stepped into the kitchen was:
1) The majority of the employees are men.
2) The only other girl (yes, singular) currently working for them isn't much like a girl. Seriously, I've seen her.
3) Like any other fast food restaurant, it's hectic & tiring. Please don't give up easily.
I quivered after every single line he said.

After Mr. Man showed us around the store he gave us our first task: Memorize all the pizzas in 5minutes. Now, as much as I love Domino's pizzas I did not know all 16 of them. Now I do. After that we kinda loitered around in the corners of the tiny store because he was busy pizza making.

Then I kinda made my way to my future prospect, the pizza making table (I forgot what they called it) to observe. You know what it reminded me of? Those free online time management games. Seriously! There's a time limit too! No joke. I don't know when I'll be thrown into all that mess yet. Kinda nervous about it since I suck at that game. I half wished they'd just put me in the front line but NO! You'll never know unless you try. Oh wait...Do or do not, there is no try!

The good thing is all the 'senior' guys are quite friendly and the environment is cheerful although a bit loud. I could hardly hear the customer's numbers and orders. Asking a customer to repeat anything they say kinda annoys them. I know, I was a bad listener in clinic and my horrible short term memory was no help.

Hopefully things will be okay in the future. I have never been in this kinda business before and I really wanna make it work despite Mr.Man's friendly reminder that 2 female employees had recently left after only a few days of work. Yes, there are easier jobs with less human contact but I'd want to value experience as much as I value money.
And a bigger hope is that I can get into UiTM. Please Allah, please. I don't want to be useless anymore.

Later days...

Self Analysis part III...I think

Haaaa...where am I?

Everytime I write a self analysis on this blog it's usually after the recovery of a big fall. It's quite pathetic because for the previous two posts [2 years ago??] it's like I've achieved a major breakthrough and although I did mention a prediction of another fallout [which did happen], I thought I was capable of handling it. Well I don't know what to make of the outcome really, because I'm trying not to see terminating my dental studies as a failure but rather, moving on to be a better person. Yes, it is quite a cheat, shut up. And that's that.

I am getting more and more frustrated with the state of my mind. I don't have a stable personality and not having control over one self is making me feel rather sick. I know who I am [existentially] and my goals. I recognize my phases and moods but I can't control the length of time that they conquer me. When I'm angry I long not to be because it hurts other people when I am. When I'm happy I also feel guilt and long to depress because it squeezes out the creative juices in me, with a little anger and hatred I am driven. I just need to stay away from self pity which is quite hard with my low self esteem. Anger is easy to come since I'm a hot head egomaniac.

But within all this overflowing, dysfunctional, emotional personality instability, my thoughts from any random thing to the current views will be raging like fireworks. And these thoughts shifts so much from one emotion to another that I forget them and miss them. I can only remember bits and pieces and not the whole idea, no matter how brilliant. Why not right them down? malas. The funny thing is when I shift in emotion and subsequently in thoughts, the previous thoughts of the previous emotions just seem so ridiculous and alien and sometimes magnificent.

But that's just it, I only process thoughts. They do not proceed down the conveyor belt to the fabrication room and be transformed into action. They are dust in the wind. I need to do something with my hands.
But here's the catch, I'm a procrastinator.

..last night I dreamnt of being married twice. The first disappeared and the current was tiny. ???

:(

The 2nd worst feeling in the world is losing control over yourself.

The 1st is seeing how it affects your loved ones.

Edd, of all the things you always forget; never this. REMEMBER THIS!

Nil

He watches and He hears
He knows all my tears...

I am at a crossroad and there are no road signs. I can tell north from east but I don't know what's beyond this junction. Maybe another crossroad, a free gun, or even a snake pit, I don't know.

Life is a test and right know it's in the form of an MCQ (multiple choice question). Actually I don't know if it's in any other form. Essays? I guess. I mean the details do count. Maybe it's an MCQ followed by a series of essays. Ugh! How about 10 MCQs and an a short essay? In half an hour and mihun with teh tarik outside the hall. Hahaha nice!

My 25th year of life on this silly planet is coming to an end and I still haven't accomplished anything. I can't even figure myself out yet.

I am just full of lies, people. And I cannot seem to sort myself out of this one. Apologies.

of Gary Oldman and face shredding...

I couldn't quite make sure if it was the moon or the sun peeping through the faint clouds. It was either sunset or dawn; the best things in life always do come in little packages. These lights are the shortest of any other kind. I arrived alone to the convention but I had too many luggage to be carried by one, although this goes by unnoticed. It was held at my old school's building. But it was no longer a school, I could tell. On the other side of it where there used to be an open field, there was a bridge-like extension into a futuristic-looking sports arena floating in the sky. This looked beautiful in the orange-blue lit atmosphere.

People were gathering and unpacking. I arrived at my floor - top floor - but there seemed to be no more rooms available. And so I lodged my bags at the corridor, along the side beams, in front of a room occupied by a big family. I wasn't the only one 'roomless' so nobody really minded us perching in their doorway. After dropping the heavy load, I took a big sigh of relief and turned towards the sky. It was beautiful. It was then that I heard his voice.

Everybody around was settling down and unpacking their luggage. This sunset/dawn lighting was lasting longer than it usually would in real life. But I didn't mind. The air was cool. We were at the end of the corridor. His room was the last one, it was next to the room occupied by the couple with 6 kids. 4 big ones, 1 tween and 1 in their mother's arms.
"Hey there," he said first.
"Hi." I replied, "Gary Oldman." He laughed and we continued to exchange awkward small talk.

He too was by himself but he was somewhat the Jim Gordon character in Chris Nolan's Batman and so his room was full of security equipments and confidential folders. Why would he join such a convention? I had no idea since I myself had no idea what was going on. We talked and talked and when dinner was served at the cafeteria, we had dinner together. Later that evening he was on duty and had to make his rounds on the top floor. I tagged along. We talked about the people staying in every room we passed. Gary Oldman read up on everybody's backgrounds to filter them from any threat.

The light was still of sunset/dawn setting. It was timeless. Or it could have been that we slept through a day and I dreamnt past it to another sunset/dawn. We had to go to the arena now. 'We' meaning everyone. The 'games' were starting. I was alone again, Gary Oldman was nowhere to be seen. I joined the crowd at the arena for a while but later had the urge to go back to the lodgings. Crossing the extension bridge, the roar of the masses could be heard. I didn't bother turning around for I was fixed on my target. I was carrying a hot dog in one hand.

The rooms were empty and still. I sat on my bags in front of the dark room and nibbled at my hot dog. I waited.
    Blackout.
The next thing I remember, I was standing behind a wild crowd a few feet away from where I just sat with my hot dog. It was no longer sunset/dawn, it was now daylight. Most of the women were gasping and wailing. The men were at the front and they were pale, dead inside. Up front I could hear Gary Oldman trying to keep some order. He was joined by a few other policemen. I didn't bother pulling through the crowd to see what all the fuss was about. I waited until they dispersed, until they went back to their rooms to mourn, to get sick of the horror and throw up.

It was then that I saw the bloody hand print on the door. The door of that room. That room which I sat across before I couldn't remember, where my bags were. But I was calm. And Gary Oldman saw this. His eyes locked on to me and mine on his. I walked on further, getting nearer to my bags and closer to the room. I looked inside and saw them lying in their beds, soaked in pools of blood. The 4 big kids, their faces were torn off. They were dead of course, I thought. I glanced over to my left and Gary Oldman was still staring at me, studying my reactions but at the same time I sensed that he was fearful. I went to him and gave him a hug. He was struggling with words. I simply said, "It's okay. Look behind you."

There was a trail of blood on the wall at the end of the corridor, next to his room. He turned around. Ordered his men to survey the parameters. Beyond the wall was quite a long way down. One of the policemen suggested the trees as the murderer's escape route. They got busy. I walked away. To the floor below.
The parents were wailing for the lives of their 4 big ones. They were crying so hard until it was as if their eyeballs had shrunken beneath their swelled up eyelids. Their whole faces were red and wet with tears and mucus. Their sanity was being shredded to pieces and they just couldn't understand, there was no reasoning. They were devastated, and everyone else were too. Their throats were clogged with all the words they had to say but they lost their voices and all they could have done was vomit. Vomit for the dead.

I went to the ground floor to search for plastic bags, I had to leave. There were food all around. I didn't remember this being the cafeteria. From pastas to pizza, noodles and pastries. I ate what I can as I searched for plastic bags. I needed plastic bags for my worn clothes. I had to hurry. I didn't feel as calm as before, I was starting to panic when I couldn't find any plastic bags for my laundry. Then I thought, maybe I could just gather all the worn clothes in one bag and clean clothes in another. Then I remembered, my bags were many and they were all in front of that room. Sacrifice them, like you sacrificed them.
Just leave. Goodbye Gary Oldman.

Emo Edd and her Hate Paint

Today my clinic partner Ann asked me to make a list my weaknesses. I know, pretty frontal. But she was trying to make conversation with me so that I won't doze off like last time. It was a boring clinic. Digging for calculus is a boring job. And assisting a calculus digger is ten times the bore.

I only gave off a few. It's like being asked what your favourite song or movies are. You know them at some point but you go blank when asked...point blanc. But unlike fave songs or movies where you can always try to remember what you typed in your many social net profiles, weaknesses are features we tend to hide and deny. Reading this you might think, "No, I don't"...yeah.

Well, my list of weaknesses is quite...very long. Noticing them was one thing, admitting them is another. One main trait is that I have a big fat ego. [I just typed 'ego' in capitals but rewrote them in small - trying not to prove a point] I noticed this problem 5 years ago during my 2nd year 'here' [crap, I'm still 'here']. And although I noticed it I didn't know how to deal with it. I used to think that studying dentistry was one of the cause and that I needed to force myself into manual labor to understand the effort needed to deserve a living  but that was just a premature speculation based on non other than the monthly emo-hormonal fluctuation which at that time was pretty much nearly everyday of the 2nd semester [dare you to say that sentence in one breath].

So it was left to grow and grow and now I'm kinda fearful in facing it head on. Its like it has a life of it's own and if I try to banish it from my pinky hemispheres it would squirt out a self defense mechanism which in my case would be an autoimmune mechanism. And then I would lose all my other features, good or bad. I will transform into a zombie and join the world of the undead as a brainless mass of meat-suit where it's sole purpose of wonderment is to devour fresh, juicy brains of the living. I'd rather be a vamp [of the Underworld type, not Twilight nor Trueblood].

I am not sure where this trait comes from. A theory suggests genetics but that is only through personal observation only. Another theory would be the exponential rise during my academical peaking in college matriculation thus leading to my placement in the dental world. It could be both, resulting in a cumulative result. Wahai si bongkak.

Second biggest weakness, I brag about myself. Even be bold enough to reveal my weaknesses, an attempt to appear fearless and cool. Need I elaborate more? Actually I think this should be number 1.b) since I have my own blog.

Third, the hatred that feeds my soul. I see it as both a curse and a blessing. Not many people can cultivate hate and use it as a source of inspiration. Well, negative inspiration of course but one inspiration does lead to another and from all that fire, a phoenix will rise. And my phoenix is gonna kill you black listers.

[I have to cut this short for I am sleep deprived]

Last night I unloaded a heavy burden and after a long time, I can write again. Although I have lost all my readers and this post might not be read by anybody at all, ever, I feel like I did when I first started this blog. Hopeful. InsyAllah.


Later days.

today

today, i shall deprive myself of the following:
food
beverage
sleep
human contact
light
large scale motion

Here It Goes Again

This is it. I don't think I should go on. It's fate that these dates were to intercept each other. And I was to choose one that was of more superiority to me.

I spent 5 years here. 5 years. Academically I'm practically nowhere. But I know I've gained a few pounds of knowledge and skills. Leveled up a few steps higher. Acquired tremendous amount of friends, or at least connections. But I must admit that some non-physical part of me have been spared from any accountable growth. Obviously it won't as long as I stay here. It's like waiting for a wisdom tooth to erupt in a 30 year old man.

But I can't just walk away either. I have a large sum of debt to clear now. With that in my mind, I also don't think I should make it as a dentist. There's a 3 year course degree in Screen Creative Technology in UiTM. Very tempting...job prospects were rated 4.4/5. But I won't really know what that means. This is for the dream.

My dad thought I wanted that dream so that I would become popular. He doesn't understand. I am not after the limelight. I want to be able to show people, tell them a story. Make them feel. Move them. I don't want to become apart of what everybody sees right now. I will create my own field. It's going to be a struggle but I'd rather do that.

But then again we'd say anything when we're desperate and I have lost the trust in myself. I do not trust my own instincts. I do not trust myself to make the right decision anymore because I do not trust myself in telling the right from wrong. I don't have the ability to remember how such emotions can deeply wound me or the people around me. And so I can't trust myself to never repeat the same mistakes again because I have. And I cut deeper everytime.

"1 1/2 years more," they'd remind me, "not far to go," they'd add.

I can't be a dentist.

I'll pray to Allah that these feelings would go away but the idea is already in place and it would take a brain transplant to make me forget.

I'm sorry...

Gigi Alia

first short movie...

don't get the joke? don't bother..

the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeiKyKdNJxM