Salam Brook,
I am still in disbelief of how much healing my soul has undergone within the past 10 years. Now my mind won't stop assessing the shift and wonder how I can keep up the effort since I never realized it in the first place. I don't feel I've matured either. I just mounted a TV on my bedroom wall and brought in my PlayStation 4, aaah the privileges of a singleton. In my earlier posts I remember mentioning the concept of levelling up. I can confidently say I have gone up a considerable amount of levels because although I still have dark days and where-in-the-world-has-my-iman-gone? days, it's not so bad. I can manage.
Most of the change most probably occurred in 2020, just before the pandemic. I have been listening to Nouman Ali Khan's lectures on the Quran. On that particular day, it was the meaning of Al-Fatihah. By the end of it I had a paradigm shift, a religious awakening and cried for a week realizing the depth of ignorance I've allowed myself to fall into. "Guide us to the straight path." It was as if a climbing rope from Allah fell into my hands. It felt so amazing. It was as if I could tell syaitan whispers from my own thoughts. The struggle to improve my ibadah and memorise more surahs was anything but that, it was pure joy, nothing I've ever felt before. And for it to take place during lockdown! Pure bliss, I miss it dearly.
I remember looking at myself through a side mirror during school pickups, I smiled and was happily loving life. To be honest, I can't remember how bad my mental state was prior for that instance to be so ingrained in my memory. I know I've forgotten the purpose of life and was surrounding myself in hedonistic ideologies. My bucket was empty and my prayers were done without the presence of the mind. Lower than a basic Muslim. As long as I remember that, I can remember not to ever fall that far down again, which is my battle everyday.
"No one will enter Paradise who has pride in his heart equal to the weight of a grain of a mustard seed, and no one will enter Hell who has faith in his heart equal to the weight of a grain of a mustard seed."
Narrated by 'Abdullah
That hadith scared the darkness out of me. I waged war with my ego and fixed the toxic relationship with my sister. But relationships are a two way street and if only one party makes the effort, there will never be perpetual peace. I do see her efforts sometimes but as humans WE tend to slip a lot and forget. I forgo my past pleasures of music and film (of course anime has some what replaced it but under strict supervision!) and also the pride in my appearance. I used to laugh at myself if my hijab was as low as an ustadzah, now the transit kids sometimes tell me I dress like one.
I've always been a stubborn brat but everyone can change for the right purpose. And Allah is the ONLY purpose. Although, it has been 5 years since the shift and I can feel myself waning here and there. I haven't been up for Tahajjud for loooong time and it's a punch to my gut everyday. Where has my vigour gone? I do not want to be one of those who take their desires as their gods. This is my jihad.
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