today

today, i shall deprive myself of the following:
food
beverage
sleep
human contact
light
large scale motion

Here It Goes Again

This is it. I don't think I should go on. It's fate that these dates were to intercept each other. And I was to choose one that was of more superiority to me.

I spent 5 years here. 5 years. Academically I'm practically nowhere. But I know I've gained a few pounds of knowledge and skills. Leveled up a few steps higher. Acquired tremendous amount of friends, or at least connections. But I must admit that some non-physical part of me have been spared from any accountable growth. Obviously it won't as long as I stay here. It's like waiting for a wisdom tooth to erupt in a 30 year old man.

But I can't just walk away either. I have a large sum of debt to clear now. With that in my mind, I also don't think I should make it as a dentist. There's a 3 year course degree in Screen Creative Technology in UiTM. Very tempting...job prospects were rated 4.4/5. But I won't really know what that means. This is for the dream.

My dad thought I wanted that dream so that I would become popular. He doesn't understand. I am not after the limelight. I want to be able to show people, tell them a story. Make them feel. Move them. I don't want to become apart of what everybody sees right now. I will create my own field. It's going to be a struggle but I'd rather do that.

But then again we'd say anything when we're desperate and I have lost the trust in myself. I do not trust my own instincts. I do not trust myself to make the right decision anymore because I do not trust myself in telling the right from wrong. I don't have the ability to remember how such emotions can deeply wound me or the people around me. And so I can't trust myself to never repeat the same mistakes again because I have. And I cut deeper everytime.

"1 1/2 years more," they'd remind me, "not far to go," they'd add.

I can't be a dentist.

I'll pray to Allah that these feelings would go away but the idea is already in place and it would take a brain transplant to make me forget.

I'm sorry...

Gigi Alia

first short movie...

don't get the joke? don't bother..

the trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeiKyKdNJxM

Jolt

I suddenly felt the need to write this down. I am overwhelmed by the feeling of needing to wake up. Is it a coincidence that I am now 'locking' myself up in my room, my bunker to complete my video project? - An assignment related to a passion of mine. And that at the same time watched Inception for the 1st time? A movie I have so long tried to avoid knowing it will haunt me for days. I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed.

The need to make a movie as inspiring...the characters, the music...
[but to be honest, the gravity of the whole situation wasn't that critical. It wasn't the end of the world :P ]

The need to wake up from my own mind, my bunker and what it would mean to actually wake up. What from? To where?

The need to...well thats it really... Buzz KILL..

I wonder what would've happened if I didn't watch the movie in the first place. Would I still be pondering about the need to wake up and out of this mess? Of course I would. I just wouldn't feel the desperate need to go bungee jumping for a 'kick'.

there's a quiz in an hour and I need a bath..

The Abusive Husband

When did life become so fucking complicated? Maybe it's always been complicated but we were brought up thinking - "It's all gonna be okay, just look on the final pages for answers" - so that when we actually faced complexities, we freak out and need a diaper change.
Why didn't I see it coming?
"Edd, you're gonna be a loser, watch out."
okay, maybe I should be a doctor, that'll get me out of the loser list.
"I guess"
A dentist perhaps? at least that won't be as hard. I'm smart enough right?
"Yaa ehmm *plays Gameboy"
WTH was my conscience playing that stupid aged old game at that time!
And look where you are now...I don't mind tripping here and there but this is just too ridiculous. You people just don't get it! and neither can I! and when that happens every single issue becomes a catastrophe. and you begin to lose yourself, you bounce in and out of the wave not knowing which side is up or down. trapped within the wave, trapped within yourself. you're stuck. you lose faith in everybody, you lose faith in yourself. you can't even carry yourself out of the mess you made. you look around you and how they're alive. you look at yourself and you feel guilty to be breathing in a place meant for another. i'm sorry i stole your place. i am sorry i wasted the government's money. i am sorry for wasting so many paper, so many time, so many words and breath. was it not meant for me? i tried to fit in, i tried to feel it. its just voids outlined by hate. why can't i feel anything.
denied.

post 100#

It's 6th July its my mom and nephew's birthday today...

Funny thing was, I forgot until it was Maghrib as I sat down in front of my facebook account. By then my mom's page was already full of birthday wishes by everyone! except me. So I eagerly waited for her to finish her prayers n went to hug her at the same time wishing her. Hopefully that would do today. I don't know what to give her. I should buy/make something though because I kinda gave her a horrible year [punches self]... And because my big bro gave her a friggin' GOLD CHAIN!! That surely heats up the sibling rivalry. 
<<< Two years ago on Nazrin Firdaus' birth day

Earlier today I shot the 3rd installment for my to-be series, 'Myselves', which is still in its experimental stages. I'm still developing each of the character's personalities and behaviour. It's quite challenging since I'm playing all 4 characters and mind you, acting isn't as easy as it seems [new found respect]. I'm also learning to better myself in editing techniques, trying to gain little by little from every experience. The four characters are based on my main four alter egos. No wait...three, because the 'real me' is one of them. I was planning to bring in my fourth but it would be too 'serabut', chaotic... 

post shooting

I hope I wake up early tomorrow. I need to go to KL to register for a college room. Hopefully I get a singles room. So I'd get to do Myselves videos while I'm at college! and maybe put in some dental student life related stuff. Then maybe my fouth ego would get an appearance as she is into that kind of stuff. Oh Edwina the Great. But like all heroes and villains, each characters have their own weaknesses...my weaknesses. BUT I'm not that confident on getting a singles room, since its already Tuesday and class starts on next Monday.

I've been watching a lot of old British comedy lately. Truly missed. 

From top left, clockwise: Blackadder, Bottom, Spaced [epic], Big Train sketches. I'm looking for more. 

It's research!

And I finally got a chance to watch 'Sons of Anarchy' on Astro's FXHD [did anybody know about this channel...dri mne dtg ntah]. It's about outlaw biker gang stuff, I'm kinda into it since I played GTA4's The Lost and Damned. I read about it a month ago while looking up Justified. Nearly freaked out finding it on Astro yesterday.

Fun times being on a long undeserving holiday but everything has an ending and I have 5 more days until class starts. Back to 'fun & learning'.

The Third

The charm, they say. But miss then strike out, they say. I say I don't believe in any of that. I say luck is an illusion of a blinded optimist and fate is the script of a realist. Opportunists are scavengers of this virtual world and I am somewhat a series of empty canvases.

It's hard to believe anything you read or hear or watch today. As long as you are breathing you are vulnerable to lies. Trust can only go to a certain extent until it too may falter.  

We can only rely on a few true sources. But when that too becomes the target of corruption then it gives a reason for humanity to fail. A reason for the world to end. Theories upon theories are built up, piled onto each other, just so they would erase the fear of judgment day by scheming an escape. Nonsensical optimists... 
The day will come.

What I say isn't always what I believe. I don't really say what I really do, but it can be obvious if you see. I'd like to be more assured than I am though. But like I said, I am somewhat a series of empty canvases. They are painted over and over again. Just because the combination of colours seem to portray a picture, it doesn't necessarily have a meaning. In other words, they are still empty. So they will continually be painted upon until they have at least a few. These series of canvases.

I do not predict my fate but I am no optimist.

Leaving Shadows Behind

I guess that is whats really been the main theme of my soul searching process. How I am gonna make a mark on this earth before my time comes, a mark more significant than a tombstone above my rotting flesh [InsyAllah, as a proper burial would be good enough]. 

Lightyears
[14/06/10]

I realise I never really think of the present as for what they are. I know I should and I often say to others that they should but I know I don't. I say a lot of things to others that I clearly know will come back and bite me in the back. I know it sounds like I'm a hypocrit, I guess I am but I say them anyway to make myself realise. And most of the time I state this fact to them. Other times I just bid them off to cry alone in the dark, lol.

Anyway, to take another step out of de'Nile, I will say this. I am stuck in the past. Past happiness, past achievements, past memories. I am dead afraid of the future. I know what I want but I don't know how to get there. I want to plan but I'm afraid to. Because if I do...there's just too much fear of the unknown.

CRAP, I don't know where I got this from. Planning was great in high school. I got here in dental school by planning and by sticking to that plan. Maybe because I became so unhappy here that it pasted a negative sticker onto that type of action. "Avoid in future thinking processes"...slap it on that planning button.

How would you like to leave your mark on this earth? Tell me...whoever's reading. Because I KNOW everybody share at least this thought if not all the above.

Puppy Cloud
[13/06/10]

I do believe we were brought to life for a purpose and we may not know what that is yet [some may never] so in the meanwhile, what harm is it to dream?

Picnic Day

On 19-20/02/10, the family's Geng anak dara [1st & 2nd Class] and the boys went shopping, maggi chomping, sushi rolling, pancake frying, picnic eating, playing2, swimming2 at Bukit Jalil.

Sepak Terajang Sama Mereka

First Malay title.
But yes, the rest will be in English...kot...ok not

Improvised and exaggerated version of today's discussion:

Parents: You're too rigid. You have to be more flexible and humane.

Me: Yelah yelah...I know. And I know my ego is up here [hand above head].

Parents: Ye ke?

Me: Yelah yelah...nun di sana [points towards the sky] celestial egoism. Astronomically speaking.


So marilah sama2 bantu saya sepak terajang sama setan2 dalam hamba Allah yg lemah ini.
InsyAllah saya boleh jadi insan molek skit. Xdela emo sokmo.

Time kasih.

I Hear Crickets...

It's bugging me, grating me, and twisting me around!
Yeah I'm endlessly, caving in, and turning inside out!
[guess where that's from]

I'd like to dedicate that to the darling little crickets who with sheer joy play their tune relentlessly through the night. Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, SMACK!! Flame! Sweep! Shoo.

Now, one problem solved, a million to go [grr..]
How will I ever get enough sleep?
I close my eyes and I keep seeing my scenes of vengeance.
Fueled by all that hatred of course.
And truth be told, I'm not ready to get rid of it.
Maybe that's why the demons can affect me.
I so willingly allow their whisperings.

Anyway... I was watching 'Human Stories' on Discovery Home & Health the other day and it was about 'When Sleep Turns Bad'. Insomniacs, sleep walkers and everything else in between. Scary stuff really if it can lead to divorce and jumping of buildings. With it being psychologically related, different remedies work on different people. Nothing is absolute when it comes to human beings. Abnormality is a norm. Some patients only need to tweak their diet, others rely on feng shui. My sleeping issue isn't really a problem it's just irregular. Just because...
and I know it's why...

...Donald Duck touched me when I was young :P

Myselves - Hotness

Filmed 2 months ago...thought it was too ugly so left it aside and forgotten.
Got tired cleaning the house and thought,
"I'm tired cleaning the house, I think I'll edit some vids!"

here's the first one: Myselves - Playing Questions

"vad som än händer...hat kvar"

reclaim my faith ...omvärdera

tidy up the house...rengöra

study films...observera

find plots, follow through until the end...skriva filmmanu

Youtube...video att göra

"vad som än händer...hat kvar"

credits to Google Translate for all these translations I wish I can fluently speak someday...someday..over the rainbow, my pot of GOLD!

...of bruises, Ed Gein, and the word 'Loquacious'...

these items have been occupying my vault recently...

Bruises...
I realize that I 'knock about' a lot. 'Knock about' as in my limbs flail around too much and I would usually undeliberately, inadvertently bang them unto an inanimate object. Sometimes as I walk by a route I've been through too often, I guess I let my guard down and 'pretend' to be an expert and of course fail later as I misjudge how much distance of free space from those furniture I have to be at to actually pass them successfully, ouch my pelvic crest. I have always been very clumsy. It used to be a deliberate act during high school but I got so used to it that it left a stain. I hated walking in a straight line then, too normal, no adventure, 'skema'. I liked running along, twirling on poles [ahahaha!! no, not that kinda pole], jumping around. Yes, this was in high school...freak anyone? But of course, I'm not gonna blame all that for stumping my foot on my mandolin HARD CASE halfway under my bed every morning in the dark light. That's just plain dumb innit...

Ed Gein...
This man was the original mad man who inspired the vicious serial killer 'Buffalo Bill' from the movie 'Silence of the Lambs', who's nothing compared him. He started with digging out corpses from graveyards and fabricates household ornaments out of their skins. He later moved up to murder. I can't remember a lot. I used to watch this weekly episode of 'Most Evil' on Discovery Channel last year which features some of the most evil villains ever recorded. I have bad memory so... But it was disgusting, that I remember. They showed some of the ornaments too, I only remember a lamp shade. His history? They all start the same, bad, traumatic childhood. Either an abusive, alcoholic [with or without] father or divorced parents.

the word Loquacious...
I'm getting sleepy so here's a short one.
It came from a line in Quentin Tarantino's 'Inglourious Basterds' starring Brad Pitt and Christoph Waltz [incredible acting by him] which I watched a week ago and it has bothered me since...
It means very talkative, a tendency to babble. Word of the week for me I guess.

blaah

No Place for the Mundane

Damn you, cruel world...[I'm regarding its inhabitants of course]

I don't think I can be best at anything. I'm way too destructive to be achieving something. The only wish I'm hoping will come true now is to be able to make my own movies in my distant future.

Movies that would inspire a nation to take their ground. Movies that would relate to what Islam has taught us and give it new life. Movies that can take affect on a level higher than a good review. Movies that would have, "Fuck you!!" as it's subliminal message.

A wish is only a wish. If only I could quit doing what I'm doing now and work on that wish, I know I'd be better off. This land is dry, I can't plant seeds no more.

I think, because of this notion [the title], I decided to stay behind. Of course I made the friggin decisions! They appear subconscious because I'm awesome at pretending. Do I ever look surprised when I find myself repeating a whole year of dental school? Nay! I seem happy because I achieved! Last year I nearly repeated and that shook me. It's not that I like that place I'd spend as many years as I can there. I'd burn it down if I wanted to but that would only lead to air pollution. I HATE THAT PLACE! and I just ran out of words to type...

Blaah!

Scarce

I am but a passenger in this world...
[Taken on January 2010]

I don't know what to write about anymore. I started this blog in full inspiration of conveying my thoughts, record my feelings because I know I'll forget them. I hardly feel like writing nowadays. I feel like I'm pulling myself into a shell. Self-captivity.

Since I was in my formative years I've always liked the idea of being secretive and mysterious and although I was always saying I was, I knew deep down I wasn't. I was just pretending. But I guess all those years of pretense finally paid off, I can finally calm down and shut my mouth if I wanted to. Which is nearly all the time now. But when you live in a community or a family, the too drastic a change can threaten them of the absolute absurdity. They see things differently and without asking to confirm, assume the worst of everything. Although they were right to do so, I still think they should have left me alone with my choice.

I know human are born into a community and that they are expected to be part of one as soon as they come to years, but I can't do that. Being part of a community means dwelling in diversity and to me that's just asking for trouble. Diversity is chaos. But then again, there is never total chaos as according to the chaos theory, nothing is actually random. The world governed by Him is far too smart for that. But that is what I fear and hate. I tried to change but the world changed me back.

I believe change is possible, but death is the only cure.

Fluff

I've been really interested in the clouds up in the sky lately. I guess God is trying to remind me about the bigger picture. I started admiring the fluffy wisps up about a few months ago. Majestic when the sun crowns it and powerful during their darker moods. Everytime I suffer inside, which is nearly everyday, all I need to do is look up and behold the glowing blankets above.

Clouds in a way are like people. There are many races, they appear to have feelings, they drink and cry, and they too are unpredictable. They have boundaries like we do. They can't come down too low and they can't fly up too high while we have our religion. It's not like they have a choice. God invented the logical reality of physics and chemistry. We on the other hand do have choices. The good and bad ones, and the gray areas.

The Invisibility Cloak

I've been wishing I had one for years long. To not be seen or judged. I belong only to Him. Let Him fix me because I'm tired of fighting this way. Against my will. I just don't want to exist in this world but He would still exist in mine. He is my government. This is for reassurance.

Nowadays privacy is my priority. It's my bubble. I hardly let anybody in. Let them save themselves from this time-consuming-emotion-gloating addict. I think that's one of the reason I've been struggling with seeing patients. I'd have to deliberately put them in my private space. It's choking. I tried explaining this to certain people. They say they understand, but they don't. If they understood me, they'd be as miserable as I am. They don't have a bubble as thick as mine. Sometimes I wish the patients would fall asleep after I give an injection and would never wake up. That would make me smile. To send them off peacefully. They won't get hurt and mine would end.

I listened to a psychologist's talk today and found out that I'm not healthy. Mentally or physically or socially. So no I'm not healthy at all. I see 'hopelessness' as a scene in my own movie where I see myself stare at my own lifeless body under the tree at the edge of the cliff. My eyes would be open and empty. It's been playing more often than usual now. I'd love to make a movie out of it. It would be a very quiet one though. I don't think anybody would ever watch it because they would never hear about it.

We all have our own ideas of happiness. I want to be invisible, literally. I should have never taken the ticket into this world. I don't want to stop feeling though. It's the only thing keeping me alive. It fuels me to write, make songs and videos which I love doing and let them watch or hear but don't look at me. I just want them to feel me. But please, don't look at me. I want to be able to make them feel alive too. If they promise to stay away and not look at me.