Quitting

The time has come for me to leave the pizza place. 7 months. More than half a year and I am left battered.

It is cruel what humanity demands of us.
It is cruel how the community demands their rights in needs.
It is too cruel when customers make a scene after waiting too long for their orders while we in the kitchen are going as fast as we can to fulfill their never ending lists of needs and wants supervised by the golden criteria. We too are hungry, we too are thirsty, and we work whether in pain or anger. They raise their voices in annoyance, we smile to soothe their patience, offer free pizza on their next order. All for a basic RM900.

The people I got to know, the type of people customers are and can be, I will try not to forget. But Allah knows how forgetful I am. They will always be strangers to me. I never belonged but it was an opportunity to learn and so learned I did. Hopefully I gained for the better.

I am leaving you now. Some others may follow. We are tired. Thank you for your patience.

Good bye Domino's Pizza Bangi.

The Chemistry

Salam,

I wish I had other things to put into words other than my days as a pizza maker/cashier at BBB's Domino's Pizza but I spend half my days there where the other half is spent sleeping at home. I must admit, my patience is running thin. I'm getting bored of repeating the same sentences over and over again. See, I can't be in a field of a mundane and repetitive nature. I need projects that requires frequent brainstorming. Maybe I'm frustrated because I can't stop and stare and daydream for long to come up with ideas. I am constantly dealing with human beings. I reminisce the days of being alone and again, I envy inmates.

The other thing that frustrates me is that our community is still blind and being stupid about not being able to throw their own garbage into those specifically made containers strategically placed [or not] around most buildings. Of course I'm pointing out the one at Dom's. It's heartbreaking! It's right their on their way out, just chuck em' in! Please people, learn to be responsible for your own mess. Isn't it part of being a muslim? I thank those who do understand and I will try my best to not be a hypocrite on this matter [Oh crap..kat umah kne improve this behavior]. The least we could do is to pile them up neatly to make things easier for the table cleaners or busboys. Never think we deserve better than the people that cleans up after us. It's degrading. We are all equal.

Boys will be boys. Boys and their antics. Some boys are good, some bad, and some ugly. When the good leaves, you won't feel good anymore and you feel like leaving too. But the good never forgets a friend, and that makes you feel good again. Good boy.

Later days...

Mr.Muslim and Mr.Tanvee

Mr.Muslim
He came alone on a Sunday afternoon when the store was empty. He was tall and well [very well] built in the torso, very fair and looks Chinese. I thought he was Chinese until I heard his name [At Dom's we are required to acquire the customer's phone number and name for record]. He looked especially...gentle in his soft lavender tee and cream khaki shorts [below knee]. His voice was manly yet ever so charming and he smiles in gratitude. I had only one thing to say after you left the store Mr.Muslim, "You are a hunk!"

Mr.Tanvee
He came in today around 2pm. It was lunch hour but on a Monday so the store was pretty much empty with only a few other individuals scattered around the tables, waiting for their orders quietly. He looked Indian, I thought he was Malaysian Indian, so I said, "Selamat datang encik, sebelah sini encik," thumbing to the ordering counter. When he spoke, it was obvious he wasn't Malaysian. So I used my accented English just because I could. He had a British accent and so I met it with mine. Then he left for the 15 minutes guarantee period. Later, when he came for the pizza he said,"If you don't mind me saying, your English is very good, you sound very different, are you not from around here?" and so I told him how I've been over 'there' when I was a 'child' [I can't believe I used that word...why so formal haa? puyu]. He said that he was new in Bangi and he has met all kinds of people but, "you stand out the most...and your name, it's very...unique." I smiled wildly at the first compliment but pulled a very puzzled face for the latter, "Really? It's a very common Malaysian name." He seemed surprised and said he's never met anyone called Hidayah yet. I didn't know why I was rushing to end the conversation, I didn't even ask where he was from and why he moved here. But in the end when I said the common, "Thank you, come again." He replied, "Oh, I will. Thank you." That was nice. It made me happy for the rest of the day. I hope to see and talk to you again Mr.Tanvee.

Reporting live from Domino's BBB...later days.

At Dom's: A Month Later

I survived! While 2 other boys have trained and left, I am still here. I think it's mainly because I've been stationed at the front as the cashier. I am learning to make pizzas and have made a few orders but often sent out of the kitchen and towards the front to handle the customers during rush hours such as lunch/dinner time and throughout the weekends. I don't really mind because in a way, they still need me. There are issues of staff shortage at times which is quite frustrating.

I have befriended the Dom's staff and although their lives are staggeringly different from mine we can still relate. The managers here are strict but friendly and I value that a lot.

At Domino's I am not Edd Falco, I am Hidayah or Dayah. I am not a metalhead/rock chick but a girl. How did this happen? I have no idea, it just did and I like it for a change. It kinda reflects how I am really perceived in the open world and not just my bubble of thoughts. They treat me like a lady! Don't get me wrong, I still work hard, throw out the trash and clean everything from the rubbish bin to the hanging lamps. But the boys buy me food and drinks, make sure I get to eat, ask how I'm doing, and make me laugh when I look tired.

There'll be a new girl coming in for training today. YAY! The only other girl staff has been absent a few times now. This new girl I have a feeling will stay long, she's a tomboy like the current one but not as loud. Hopefully she'll do fine because we are critically short on pizza makers and I don't think they're too keen on training me as one for I would leave in a few months.

Update! I blew off both left tires of mom's Iswara last night coming home from work.

Still tired but still happy, later days...off to work.

Domino's

Today was the first day!
I'm still in training though but I've seen everything. I mean EVERYTHING! and that is all that's going to be said.
I applied for the pizza maker position, thinking they'd put me safely behind enemy's line and far away from the social scene. But NO! Not yet at least...I hope. Everybody has to experience everything so today, I was mainly the greeter who's also the one punching in the orders. I guess I was the only trainee who was able to pick it up quickly. Oh did I mention I was the only female working in the store today.

The first thing the manager (let's call him Mr.Man) told me when I stepped into the kitchen was:
1) The majority of the employees are men.
2) The only other girl (yes, singular) currently working for them isn't much like a girl. Seriously, I've seen her.
3) Like any other fast food restaurant, it's hectic & tiring. Please don't give up easily.
I quivered after every single line he said.

After Mr. Man showed us around the store he gave us our first task: Memorize all the pizzas in 5minutes. Now, as much as I love Domino's pizzas I did not know all 16 of them. Now I do. After that we kinda loitered around in the corners of the tiny store because he was busy pizza making.

Then I kinda made my way to my future prospect, the pizza making table (I forgot what they called it) to observe. You know what it reminded me of? Those free online time management games. Seriously! There's a time limit too! No joke. I don't know when I'll be thrown into all that mess yet. Kinda nervous about it since I suck at that game. I half wished they'd just put me in the front line but NO! You'll never know unless you try. Oh wait...Do or do not, there is no try!

The good thing is all the 'senior' guys are quite friendly and the environment is cheerful although a bit loud. I could hardly hear the customer's numbers and orders. Asking a customer to repeat anything they say kinda annoys them. I know, I was a bad listener in clinic and my horrible short term memory was no help.

Hopefully things will be okay in the future. I have never been in this kinda business before and I really wanna make it work despite Mr.Man's friendly reminder that 2 female employees had recently left after only a few days of work. Yes, there are easier jobs with less human contact but I'd want to value experience as much as I value money.
And a bigger hope is that I can get into UiTM. Please Allah, please. I don't want to be useless anymore.

Later days...

Self Analysis part III...I think

Haaaa...where am I?

Everytime I write a self analysis on this blog it's usually after the recovery of a big fall. It's quite pathetic because for the previous two posts [2 years ago??] it's like I've achieved a major breakthrough and although I did mention a prediction of another fallout [which did happen], I thought I was capable of handling it. Well I don't know what to make of the outcome really, because I'm trying not to see terminating my dental studies as a failure but rather, moving on to be a better person. Yes, it is quite a cheat, shut up. And that's that.

I am getting more and more frustrated with the state of my mind. I don't have a stable personality and not having control over one self is making me feel rather sick. I know who I am [existentially] and my goals. I recognize my phases and moods but I can't control the length of time that they conquer me. When I'm angry I long not to be because it hurts other people when I am. When I'm happy I also feel guilt and long to depress because it squeezes out the creative juices in me, with a little anger and hatred I am driven. I just need to stay away from self pity which is quite hard with my low self esteem. Anger is easy to come since I'm a hot head egomaniac.

But within all this overflowing, dysfunctional, emotional personality instability, my thoughts from any random thing to the current views will be raging like fireworks. And these thoughts shifts so much from one emotion to another that I forget them and miss them. I can only remember bits and pieces and not the whole idea, no matter how brilliant. Why not right them down? malas. The funny thing is when I shift in emotion and subsequently in thoughts, the previous thoughts of the previous emotions just seem so ridiculous and alien and sometimes magnificent.

But that's just it, I only process thoughts. They do not proceed down the conveyor belt to the fabrication room and be transformed into action. They are dust in the wind. I need to do something with my hands.
But here's the catch, I'm a procrastinator.

..last night I dreamnt of being married twice. The first disappeared and the current was tiny. ???

:(

The 2nd worst feeling in the world is losing control over yourself.

The 1st is seeing how it affects your loved ones.

Edd, of all the things you always forget; never this. REMEMBER THIS!

Nil

He watches and He hears
He knows all my tears...

I am at a crossroad and there are no road signs. I can tell north from east but I don't know what's beyond this junction. Maybe another crossroad, a free gun, or even a snake pit, I don't know.

Life is a test and right know it's in the form of an MCQ (multiple choice question). Actually I don't know if it's in any other form. Essays? I guess. I mean the details do count. Maybe it's an MCQ followed by a series of essays. Ugh! How about 10 MCQs and an a short essay? In half an hour and mihun with teh tarik outside the hall. Hahaha nice!

My 25th year of life on this silly planet is coming to an end and I still haven't accomplished anything. I can't even figure myself out yet.

I am just full of lies, people. And I cannot seem to sort myself out of this one. Apologies.

of Gary Oldman and face shredding...

I couldn't quite make sure if it was the moon or the sun peeping through the faint clouds. It was either sunset or dawn; the best things in life always do come in little packages. These lights are the shortest of any other kind. I arrived alone to the convention but I had too many luggage to be carried by one, although this goes by unnoticed. It was held at my old school's building. But it was no longer a school, I could tell. On the other side of it where there used to be an open field, there was a bridge-like extension into a futuristic-looking sports arena floating in the sky. This looked beautiful in the orange-blue lit atmosphere.

People were gathering and unpacking. I arrived at my floor - top floor - but there seemed to be no more rooms available. And so I lodged my bags at the corridor, along the side beams, in front of a room occupied by a big family. I wasn't the only one 'roomless' so nobody really minded us perching in their doorway. After dropping the heavy load, I took a big sigh of relief and turned towards the sky. It was beautiful. It was then that I heard his voice.

Everybody around was settling down and unpacking their luggage. This sunset/dawn lighting was lasting longer than it usually would in real life. But I didn't mind. The air was cool. We were at the end of the corridor. His room was the last one, it was next to the room occupied by the couple with 6 kids. 4 big ones, 1 tween and 1 in their mother's arms.
"Hey there," he said first.
"Hi." I replied, "Gary Oldman." He laughed and we continued to exchange awkward small talk.

He too was by himself but he was somewhat the Jim Gordon character in Chris Nolan's Batman and so his room was full of security equipments and confidential folders. Why would he join such a convention? I had no idea since I myself had no idea what was going on. We talked and talked and when dinner was served at the cafeteria, we had dinner together. Later that evening he was on duty and had to make his rounds on the top floor. I tagged along. We talked about the people staying in every room we passed. Gary Oldman read up on everybody's backgrounds to filter them from any threat.

The light was still of sunset/dawn setting. It was timeless. Or it could have been that we slept through a day and I dreamnt past it to another sunset/dawn. We had to go to the arena now. 'We' meaning everyone. The 'games' were starting. I was alone again, Gary Oldman was nowhere to be seen. I joined the crowd at the arena for a while but later had the urge to go back to the lodgings. Crossing the extension bridge, the roar of the masses could be heard. I didn't bother turning around for I was fixed on my target. I was carrying a hot dog in one hand.

The rooms were empty and still. I sat on my bags in front of the dark room and nibbled at my hot dog. I waited.
    Blackout.
The next thing I remember, I was standing behind a wild crowd a few feet away from where I just sat with my hot dog. It was no longer sunset/dawn, it was now daylight. Most of the women were gasping and wailing. The men were at the front and they were pale, dead inside. Up front I could hear Gary Oldman trying to keep some order. He was joined by a few other policemen. I didn't bother pulling through the crowd to see what all the fuss was about. I waited until they dispersed, until they went back to their rooms to mourn, to get sick of the horror and throw up.

It was then that I saw the bloody hand print on the door. The door of that room. That room which I sat across before I couldn't remember, where my bags were. But I was calm. And Gary Oldman saw this. His eyes locked on to me and mine on his. I walked on further, getting nearer to my bags and closer to the room. I looked inside and saw them lying in their beds, soaked in pools of blood. The 4 big kids, their faces were torn off. They were dead of course, I thought. I glanced over to my left and Gary Oldman was still staring at me, studying my reactions but at the same time I sensed that he was fearful. I went to him and gave him a hug. He was struggling with words. I simply said, "It's okay. Look behind you."

There was a trail of blood on the wall at the end of the corridor, next to his room. He turned around. Ordered his men to survey the parameters. Beyond the wall was quite a long way down. One of the policemen suggested the trees as the murderer's escape route. They got busy. I walked away. To the floor below.
The parents were wailing for the lives of their 4 big ones. They were crying so hard until it was as if their eyeballs had shrunken beneath their swelled up eyelids. Their whole faces were red and wet with tears and mucus. Their sanity was being shredded to pieces and they just couldn't understand, there was no reasoning. They were devastated, and everyone else were too. Their throats were clogged with all the words they had to say but they lost their voices and all they could have done was vomit. Vomit for the dead.

I went to the ground floor to search for plastic bags, I had to leave. There were food all around. I didn't remember this being the cafeteria. From pastas to pizza, noodles and pastries. I ate what I can as I searched for plastic bags. I needed plastic bags for my worn clothes. I had to hurry. I didn't feel as calm as before, I was starting to panic when I couldn't find any plastic bags for my laundry. Then I thought, maybe I could just gather all the worn clothes in one bag and clean clothes in another. Then I remembered, my bags were many and they were all in front of that room. Sacrifice them, like you sacrificed them.
Just leave. Goodbye Gary Oldman.

Emo Edd and her Hate Paint

Today my clinic partner Ann asked me to make a list my weaknesses. I know, pretty frontal. But she was trying to make conversation with me so that I won't doze off like last time. It was a boring clinic. Digging for calculus is a boring job. And assisting a calculus digger is ten times the bore.

I only gave off a few. It's like being asked what your favourite song or movies are. You know them at some point but you go blank when asked...point blanc. But unlike fave songs or movies where you can always try to remember what you typed in your many social net profiles, weaknesses are features we tend to hide and deny. Reading this you might think, "No, I don't"...yeah.

Well, my list of weaknesses is quite...very long. Noticing them was one thing, admitting them is another. One main trait is that I have a big fat ego. [I just typed 'ego' in capitals but rewrote them in small - trying not to prove a point] I noticed this problem 5 years ago during my 2nd year 'here' [crap, I'm still 'here']. And although I noticed it I didn't know how to deal with it. I used to think that studying dentistry was one of the cause and that I needed to force myself into manual labor to understand the effort needed to deserve a living  but that was just a premature speculation based on non other than the monthly emo-hormonal fluctuation which at that time was pretty much nearly everyday of the 2nd semester [dare you to say that sentence in one breath].

So it was left to grow and grow and now I'm kinda fearful in facing it head on. Its like it has a life of it's own and if I try to banish it from my pinky hemispheres it would squirt out a self defense mechanism which in my case would be an autoimmune mechanism. And then I would lose all my other features, good or bad. I will transform into a zombie and join the world of the undead as a brainless mass of meat-suit where it's sole purpose of wonderment is to devour fresh, juicy brains of the living. I'd rather be a vamp [of the Underworld type, not Twilight nor Trueblood].

I am not sure where this trait comes from. A theory suggests genetics but that is only through personal observation only. Another theory would be the exponential rise during my academical peaking in college matriculation thus leading to my placement in the dental world. It could be both, resulting in a cumulative result. Wahai si bongkak.

Second biggest weakness, I brag about myself. Even be bold enough to reveal my weaknesses, an attempt to appear fearless and cool. Need I elaborate more? Actually I think this should be number 1.b) since I have my own blog.

Third, the hatred that feeds my soul. I see it as both a curse and a blessing. Not many people can cultivate hate and use it as a source of inspiration. Well, negative inspiration of course but one inspiration does lead to another and from all that fire, a phoenix will rise. And my phoenix is gonna kill you black listers.

[I have to cut this short for I am sleep deprived]

Last night I unloaded a heavy burden and after a long time, I can write again. Although I have lost all my readers and this post might not be read by anybody at all, ever, I feel like I did when I first started this blog. Hopeful. InsyAllah.


Later days.