Self Analysis part III...I think

Haaaa...where am I?

Everytime I write a self analysis on this blog it's usually after the recovery of a big fall. It's quite pathetic because for the previous two posts [2 years ago??] it's like I've achieved a major breakthrough and although I did mention a prediction of another fallout [which did happen], I thought I was capable of handling it. Well I don't know what to make of the outcome really, because I'm trying not to see terminating my dental studies as a failure but rather, moving on to be a better person. Yes, it is quite a cheat, shut up. And that's that.

I am getting more and more frustrated with the state of my mind. I don't have a stable personality and not having control over one self is making me feel rather sick. I know who I am [existentially] and my goals. I recognize my phases and moods but I can't control the length of time that they conquer me. When I'm angry I long not to be because it hurts other people when I am. When I'm happy I also feel guilt and long to depress because it squeezes out the creative juices in me, with a little anger and hatred I am driven. I just need to stay away from self pity which is quite hard with my low self esteem. Anger is easy to come since I'm a hot head egomaniac.

But within all this overflowing, dysfunctional, emotional personality instability, my thoughts from any random thing to the current views will be raging like fireworks. And these thoughts shifts so much from one emotion to another that I forget them and miss them. I can only remember bits and pieces and not the whole idea, no matter how brilliant. Why not right them down? malas. The funny thing is when I shift in emotion and subsequently in thoughts, the previous thoughts of the previous emotions just seem so ridiculous and alien and sometimes magnificent.

But that's just it, I only process thoughts. They do not proceed down the conveyor belt to the fabrication room and be transformed into action. They are dust in the wind. I need to do something with my hands.
But here's the catch, I'm a procrastinator.

..last night I dreamnt of being married twice. The first disappeared and the current was tiny. ???

:(

The 2nd worst feeling in the world is losing control over yourself.

The 1st is seeing how it affects your loved ones.

Edd, of all the things you always forget; never this. REMEMBER THIS!

Nil

He watches and He hears
He knows all my tears...

I am at a crossroad and there are no road signs. I can tell north from east but I don't know what's beyond this junction. Maybe another crossroad, a free gun, or even a snake pit, I don't know.

Life is a test and right know it's in the form of an MCQ (multiple choice question). Actually I don't know if it's in any other form. Essays? I guess. I mean the details do count. Maybe it's an MCQ followed by a series of essays. Ugh! How about 10 MCQs and an a short essay? In half an hour and mihun with teh tarik outside the hall. Hahaha nice!

My 25th year of life on this silly planet is coming to an end and I still haven't accomplished anything. I can't even figure myself out yet.

I am just full of lies, people. And I cannot seem to sort myself out of this one. Apologies.