To be more than A person...

I guess I can assume that everybody generally knows what the condition 'multiple personality' means. But how would it feel to actually experience this mental 'disease'? Can you even tell if you actually are? And can you actually tell each personality from another? Could the 'change' be a temporary alternate ego sort of thing or a permanent 'turn a leaf' kind of thing? Can you even tell?

When you think about it, whoever made such classifications? Multiple personalities. It might not even be a mental disorder like many believes. There are many other explanations but why did we choose to categorize them as 'crazy'? I can't help to think that the world we live in is just too much of a box that we can hardly see our true reflection in the mirror. Of course it is never too late to break free from a pre-determined perspective but it's hard to figure out what to break free from. What should you focus on and what should be overlooked? Will our search ever end or more importantly, would it lead anywhere?

I'm just curious as to where these multiple personality people actually acquire their alternate selves. Through what I have previously read or heard, they are conjured from their unmet desires or a trauma. If that's so, then I think this 'disease' might just be our physiological way of dealing with it. The human mind's reaction to an action. The action in context has to be something that has constantly occupied the mind of the 'sufferer'. When you're craving for something it's bound to pop up in your mind 24/7. The same thing with traumatic events. So I believe these frequent thoughts may leave imprints in their minds, including how the body reacted towards it at that period of time and although later in life the 'sufferer' may think they have moved on, even up to the point of forgetting the desires or trauma, there is a dormant memory of how their whole body's reaction towards them. React by creating either defensive or offensive personalities towards these thought consumations. What makes the body choose one from the other? I think that has something to do with my usual thought of humanity, unstability. We live in a vast environment luxurious of stimulus and the individuality of a human mind just makes it a thousand times harder to pin point the actual cause.

I'm not sure if I can call it self protection but it is all in the mind. I don't know if this is what they are going through but it's just a thought. And not to say that I've been through it before but I think I have a mild example of how I think it works. I love listening to songs and I review different albums nearly every week. As I do this, I go through my every day aquarian changes of feelings, tantrums and behaviour affecting theories. If at one point in time I'm stuck with a particular band and their album of songs, I keep thinking about them nearly 24/7 as I try to study and pray as well. Their songs would be playing in my head day in, day out. And whatever type of attitude I had on at that particular time will be paired with that album. The pair leaves a memory and whenever I hear the stimulus (the songs), the attitude makes a comeback, the feelings return although I have moved on to become a better person or otherwise. I think everyone can relate to this type of event. But in multiple personality people, I guess their desires or fears were so strong that the memory comes back as a whole personality, knocking out the real self.

Hummph, I don't know if anybody who reads this would understand because I'm writing and developing ideas at the same time. If you know me, then you'd know I'm bad at juggling tasks.

Damn that was a hard topic to think of but I'm still not satisfied. I know there are books or websites all around to read from but I'm trying to make my own versions of perspective and think outside the box.

Later be the days...

Laguku bes?!!

Brook! During the numerous blackouts today I opened the door to my room to let the air currents flow. During so, I just played carelessly on my guitar thinking that the other roomies wouldn't even be bothered to study since the light is being rather bitchy. I was working on my latest song [#3: Depth of Illusion(unconfirmed title)] which still needs work. I played up to the part where I had to work on so I stopped to think, then a roomie knocked on my door and asked,
Her : "Kak, nak tanye. Ape tajuk lagu nih?"
Edd : "Umm..tak tau lagi, baru buat,"
Her : "Lagu akak?!"
Edd : "A'ah,"
Her : "Laa ye ke?! best la kak. Saya dok dgr gak time akak main, saya ingatkan lagu sape la, nanti nak cari. Lagu akak ke? bes laa!"
Edd : "Oh ye ke? hahaha..tankyu2..ahaha. Akak baru buat hari Isnin baru nih, lom siap lg kot"
Her : "Oh, akak buat la kaset,"
Edd : "Ahahaha...tgk la dlu..ahaha!" - awkward...did not know how to respond
Her : "bes tau," - then goes off to toilet
Edd : "Okay, tankyu!"

Waahh...that was a first and it felt incredible. I'm still smiling now, it's been an hour. Good thing my songs aren't metal or I'd envision myself being kicked out of this apartment. I'm sky high right now..aaaaaahh.

Okay...later be the days!

Songs So Deep, Turns Me On

After much consideration, I decided to post this anyway since I'm happy creating new songs. The numbers are according to sequence in time.

1. This I Promise You by N*Sync
- listening to this makes me cringe nowdays, aaaahhh the 90s

2. The Scientist by Coldplay
- still loving it

3. Suralaya Dalam D Major by Amy Search
- haven't heard it for a while. can't even find a link for it on youtube

4. Swallowed in the Sea by Coldplay
- aaaaahh makes me want to forget my phobia of the sea

5. I Won't See You Tonight Pt.1 by Avenged Sevenfold
- the most romanticly metal for me so far

6. Glorious by Muse
- mmg bhn khayalan la

7. Nude by Radiohead
- keeps me in bed on Sunday mornings

8. Watch Over You by Alter Bridge
- sad sad song of a lost loved one...to drugs

9. Don't Walk Away by The Mayfield Four
- I won't even think of such things!

10. White Flag by The Mayfield Four
- makes me feel I'm in love [dream on]

11. Sorrow by Sevendust ft. Myles Kennedy
- FEEL...

12. Everything Changes by Staind
- emo+sad!

13. Danse Russe [raw version] by HURT
- this piece just fills up my insides [p/s: for better sound quality go to my myspace link]

these are some of the ones that I can remember...hope I didn't miss some of the bests.

later days...

eff-off PMS !!

Oh Brook how I despise this part of being a female. Not that I'm a fan of the other features but I'm not complaining...yet [keeping pregnancy in mind..DAMN]. While this won't be the major topic here, I'll just mention what it has done to me. Let's just say I'm seeing my old self again...nuff sed. If this goes on any longer I think I should eventually see someone about it before dejavu really takes over.

Recently I'v got my old poetic mood again. I finally managed to write the right lyrics for this rhythm I had playing on the guitar for God knows how long. All I needed was one quiet night with Brook [my old journal] opened up before me. After I was done, I flipped a few pages back to read my previous compositions. Amazingly enough, it was like reading off a stranger's confession of their suicidal tendencies. But no shame because it serves as a reminder of what I have felt. I do hope I'd be able to find the right melody for the short poetic ones and turn them into emo songs...that would be so...emo, it'll be so gay. The more-than-one-page rants? I might post some of the good ones. No, I'll never burn them because although hatred feeds the beast in me, the beast is one hell of a writer [haha!].


Aaaahh, songwriting, what joy it brings me. Let's all make our own songs and sing honesty from our hearts [...drunk hippy]. I posted a fake dark, emo post a few weeks ago hoping it would ignite the rage of my beast within. Well let me inform you that it failed. Although the post itself was considerable enough, the lyrical content for my latest song [2nd original] seems to be short of any dark thoughts or deathly influences. It was actually my view on how love can destroy one's soul. Having no experience, I guess you can say it reflects my fear of falling in love. Like my first work - which is yet to be named - the music is sweet but the lyrics are sad and thoughtfull [influenced by My Brightest Diamond and Feist]. For a metalhead, I can't say I'll ever come up with my own metal song. Metal is purely one of the greatest form of art ever to be summoned from the pits of hell \,,/ . I kneel before it's greatness.
Wait a minute, I already have a few Helloween and DragonForce influenced poems...hmmm.

LATER days..
p/s: missing Firdaus